Viewing the body - terrified and don't know what to do

[thelmalouisewaitforme]

My ex partner died a week ago. We broke up recently, it was all very messy (he got in trouble with the police) then he took his own life. I am devastated.

His mother has told me I am welcome to view the body, but I don't know what to do. I find the idea terrifying and quite horrific. I have never seen a dead body so have no idea what to expect.

I don't know if it will help me. Or if I am better remembering him as he was.

Does anyone have any advice? This is going round and round in my head and is really upsetting me.

I’m so very sorry for your loss. There isn’t any right or wrong in this situation, it’s entirely up to you.
When my husband died I wasn’t there - it was a completely unexpected shock, and although I knew the Police etc weren’t lying, I found it hard to comprehend that he could actually be dead.
I went to view his body at the undertakers, and although he didn’t look like him (at all - his face was covered in make up, I think probably to disguise discolouration due to the way he died), I’m still glad I went.
I could see that yes, he’d definitely gone, yes it was definitely him, and in a strange way that helped.
My teenage ds didn’t want to see him, so I took a couple of photos that are in a vault now, no one will come across them by mistake, in case one day he says “I wish I’d gone to see dad’s body.”
If he ever does, I’ll tell him about the pictures and let him decide if he wants to look at them.
I don’t dwell on that day at all, and it’s only this thread that made me think about it again....so for me, it was a good thing, but I’ll reiterate, everyone is different, and there’s no right or wrong.

Much love to you - what an upsetting experience.

My ex boyfriend took his own life and I did go to see him. I felt we had unfinished business. It didn't quite look like him, I actually rolled up his shirt sleeves (he never wore a shirt!) to make him look more familiar. But then it was ok. I read him a little letter I'd written that his mum had said could go with other messages people had given him, and talked for a while. Think I was in there about 15 minutes. I was glad I'd gone, and it was surprisingly helpful to be able to say the things I needed to say, that hadn't already been said.

Hope you have good support around you, you're likely to feel a confusing mix of emotions in the weeks/months to come. Take care of yourself x

I was with a close relative when they died. It was very peaceful and I was sad but not scared. I felt compelled to see them again at the funeral home. I think because I was worried i’d regret not taking the last opportunity to say goodbye. I do wish I hadn't though, it wasn't horrible but they looked different to when they'd just died and also cold to touch. I wish I'd left my last memory as being with them as they'd died. It's not a huge regret, but if I had the chance to go again I wouldn't. That's just my personal experince, and may not be yours though.

I didn’t view my brothers body when he died. Couldn’t face it. Others did, because they needed to make the situation “real”, or because they wanted to say goodbye. For me I was worried that the image of would be my lasting image and memory of him. Didn’t want that. He did young and tragically. I was also in a lot of shock and mentally just couldn’t face it.

I haven’t regretted it 20 years on but you should go with what you feel strongest towards.

Very sorry for your loss.

I have never viewed any relative, my brother usually has (mother, grandparents).

It is a personal decision.

For some people it is comforting, but the thing with a viewing is it is about those viewing, it has no impact on the deceased.

This is your choice and you should do what is right for you.

I've seen hundreds of dead bodies when I was a nurse. Mostly in the funeral parlour they have been dressed and made up so they just look like they are sleeping but even if they haven't their bodies just look like they don't live there any more.
I think it's quite cathartic to see a dead person because when you look you know that there is nobody there anymore, what they were has gone somewhere else.

In my experience when some people pass they don’t look great immediately, depends on the death though. Give it a day and they look nice and peaceful and in a way like they are still ‘there’ (just my opinion, others may find differently). They may just need to be straightened out a little. Once the funeral home gets hold of them and ‘stages’ them it’s like something out of Madam Tussauds, very hit and miss in regards to appearance and most definitely an empty vessel.

I saw my step dad and my granny, as a13 and 14 year old. I remember it very clearly and neither are sad memories. In both cases they actually looked the best they had done in a while, the make up can be very skillfully done.

They looked well, they looked peaceful and they looked completely empty. It was so apparent that they were no longer them; whatever had made them the people I loved had very much gone.

I'm glad I saw my stepdad, I witnessed his death (sudden multiple organ failure at home one night), it was scary and an awful thing to see. Seeing him again looking so peaceful was a good thing. My granny, I hadn't seen for a few weeks before, I wanted my chance to say goodbye. When I saw her it felt there was nothing there to say goodbye to. I do think it can be helpful with moving on from someones death, as it's so clearly final. You need to do whatever you think would be best for you, you don't want an upsetting last memory - if that's how you think you'll feel - when it's not at all necessary.

l'm so sorry for your loss. l lost my mother to suicide, so l think l understand to a degree.
l went with my husband to see his grandma as he wanted to, and l didn't want him to go alone. l was close to her, but not as close as the rest of the family, and l wanted to support him. She looked fine, but it just wasn't 'her' - as someone else has said, her soul wasn't there, she was just 'empty'.
My dad died nearly 22 years ago, and l chose not to go and see him in the chapel of rest. My (now ex) husband went with my mam, and he said he was glad l hadn't gone, it wasn't 'awful', he just didn't look like my dad.

When my mam died, l didn't go to see her either. No particular reason except l didn't feel it was right when l hadn't been to see my dad, and l was much closer to him.
Trust your gut feeling. l've never regretted not going though.

If you are in doubt then i would say don't go. My mum visited my dad a few days after he died of cancer and she regrets doing it. She said it didn't look anything like him. You would certainly not be letting anyone down by not going.

We had our baby at home in a moses basket and people were welcome to say good bye or not go in the room. It was very peaceful.

I saw my grandfather before his cremation and I am glad I did. My grandmother chose no funeral for him and it was the only time we had with him.

But it's about what you need and what works for you.

The first time I 'viewed' a dead family member I felt I needed to as the last time I'd seen them was immediately after they'd died with a lot of intervention from the medics and you could see what a struggle it had been to try to save them. At the viewing it was comforting to see them looking much more peaceful. Since then, sadly, quite a few family members have died and I've chosen to see some and not others. My only criteria each time was what would I gain? If I thought it would give me peace in some way, I went, if I didn't, then I didn't. To me, the last thing you can 'do' for the person is the last thing you did for them when they were alive. Anything you do after death is for you, or somebody else.

I've seen a lot of dead bodies, but son in law was the second person I knew

This thread is very helpful to me, my mum died when I was 14 and I wasn't allowed to
see her or attend funeral; I am in my 60's and still haunted by it ☹️

I went to see my FIL in the chapel of rest about. Week after he died, it was awful. I had bad dreams about him for months afterwards. I swore I'd never do it again.
When my sister died suddenly, I didn't go to see her. No one did. We did sit with her in her coffin a coup,e of times though, and that was lovely.
I was with my grandma when she died in a home aged 101. Again, that was lovely and I was proud to have been with her when she went. My dad passed away recently. He wa sin hospital and we knew he was dying. He actually died in the night and we got to see him still in his hospital bed looking very peaceful after a terrible week of pain. Again, that was very comforting and we said our goodbyes then.
I would never advocate seeing a body in a coffin days after their death. I will not allow others to see me that way when I die.

I saw my late father's body and my late sister's. Regret it very much, esp my sister.

I've done both - in my 20's I viewed my grandad in his cousin. This image of him is still in my mind today of him and I hate it. My dad died suddenly when I was in my 30s, remembering the image of my grandad that I can't forget, I decided not to see him like that but wanted to remember him the last time I saw him when he was alive and I'm so glad I did. My husband lost his dad when he was 11- his mum had some photographs taken of his dad in his coffin in case her son's wanted to see them. I thought it was a bit strange when I heard that but each to their own -if you think you may struggle with the image of him like that I would say don't go.

I was with both my mum and dad when they passed away - mum was very peaceful and I went several times to see her, my dad had a cardiac arrest - I went to see him because I didn’t want to remember him with all of the tubes - he looked ok although he would never have worn the outfit my sister picked for him and my eldest son really wanted to say goodbye to his papa - I only went once
My DH has never seen a dead body his grandparents, mum,Dad and sister have all passed away and he says he’s happy to remember them when they were still with him. Like everyone says it’s personal preference and if you’d rather not then that’s entirely acceptable xx

I saw my DM just after she passed in hospital ..we was told she looked peaceful and she didn’t at all.
DH and I both agreed we wouldn’t do it again
DH died very suddenly 2 months ago..I didn’t go to see him in the hospital but my FIL did and said he looked peaceful and like he was asleep.I didn’t see him at all and my last memory is him going to work 6.30am that morning

Thank you so much for all of the responses it is an enormous help.

You could always go to visit him, but ask for the coffin to be closed.

That way, you could appease any (totally unnecessary, IMO) guilt you might have around not going to see him. But also saving yourself the distress of actually seeing him in a state you're possibly not able to handle.

I am even terrified about seeing a closed coffin. I have no idea how I will cope at the funeral. I am dreading it. This is a living nightmare

Oh you poor soul, I think you have made the right decision not to go to view the body. Don't worry about the funeral, everyone cries, that's what funerals are for.
The funeral will probably be a couple of weeks away yet, so you will feel calmer by then. Maybe choose a poem or a song to be included in the service, doing that might comfort you, Think carefully if you are asked to read yourself though, it can be a great pressure if you are already very distressed.

@thelmalouisewaitforme
The person you loved
even in a volatile, on off manner is gone
look past the manner of his passing
you loved him once - focus on as much of that as is good for you
he is now no more and you can choose how you want to move on

I wouldn't recommend viewing the body. It will look like a dead body not the person you knew, no matter what the undertaker does cosmetically. I'd only recommend viewing a dead body for someone who is struggling to accept the reality of someone's death.