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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Viewing the body - terrified and don't know what to do

75 replies

thelmalouisewaitforme · 18/08/2018 21:59

My ex partner died a week ago. We broke up recently, it was all very messy (he got in trouble with the police) then he took his own life. I am devastated.

His mother has told me I am welcome to view the body, but I don't know what to do. I find the idea terrifying and quite horrific. I have never seen a dead body so have no idea what to expect.

I don't know if it will help me. Or if I am better remembering him as he was.

Does anyone have any advice? This is going round and round in my head and is really upsetting me.

OP posts:

DragonNoodleCake · 18/08/2018 22:35

I'm sorry

If you go it's your choice. I went to see both my grandparents, for me it was fine. As soon as I walked into the chapel, I knew that they weren't there. It's hard to describe but I feel like there is an energy within each one of us that is unique to us (soul if you use that word) going to see them actually helped me, their energy, that energy that was essentially the person I loved was no longer there. It was a way to understand that and mentally prepare myself before the funerals where there was many people around me.

Choose what is best for you x

MollysMummy2010 · 18/08/2018 22:37

I saw my mum when she had just died - missed by minutes and so glad I did. Saw her again before the burial three weeks later and wish I hadn’t. She was cold and it just was not her. Sorry for your families loss x

Anyonewhoknows · 18/08/2018 22:39

I viewed my mum after she had committed suicide. I wish I hadn't. She looked nothing like her. Her hair and make up was all wrong.
I also saw my grandma and was really glad I did.
I hope you make the right choice for you.

WontBeUsingPassMyParcelAgain · 18/08/2018 22:41

When my DH died suddenly, he looked a mess. A friend who had been with me on the evening at the hospital went to see him and said that I might want to go. I am so glad I did as he looked a lot more peaceful and it is my lasting memory. However, he did look different and I would not choose to go and see a body of someone for whom the last contact was a reasonable one. If it might help you to go and talk to him, then go for you, but don't feel you need to go for him - he's not really there anymore.

PrincessMargaret · 18/08/2018 22:41

No. Don't be forced into this. When both my grandparents died, one of my aunts was fixed on visiting them. She went on and on that we should do the same. Her sister went and was quite upset by the experience. She didn't really want to go but was made to go otherwise she would be uncaring. I point blank refused as I wanted to remember them as they were when they were alive. If you really wanted to, I think you would know, in your heart of hearts.

ApplesinmyPocket · 18/08/2018 22:42

I'm so sorry. You must feel very sad.

Honestly, I wouldn't view the body. I went to see the bodies of two people I had loved and cared for, as it 'seemed the right thing to do'. Actually I found it all rather horrific, if that is not too strong a word. It most definitely was not the person I had known lying there. It did me no good at all.

I did not even consider going when my adored mother died, having learned it wasn't helpful or pleasant.

Remember him how he was when he was alive and in your happy moments together.

AJPTaylor · 18/08/2018 22:47

It sounds like you dont want to
Dont

ParkheadParadise · 18/08/2018 22:53

Sorry for your loss

When my dd died we couldn't get to see her. Her coffin was closed. I was heartbroken. My mum died last year and we went to see her, I actually wished I hadn't she looked nothing like her.

Do what you feel is right for you.

PinkBuffalo · 18/08/2018 22:54

OP it sounds like you don't want to, and that's honestly ok.
I didn't go to see my beloved dad after he'd gone. I couldn't bear to. Losing him in the way I did left me devastated.
It's not something I now think I should have done, so please don't feel pressured into it

ScouseQueen · 18/08/2018 23:09

I wouldn't go in your shoes, for all the reasons people have said. I did go to see my mum who died quite recently and that confirmed for me that she was really gone (I hadn't been there when she died) but it was disconcerting, even though I'd done it before, to see someone you love as just a shell, an empty vessel. I'm not sure it would help you, particularly if you're worried about it. Think about what else would be a meaningful way for you to acknowledge his loss (just for you, I mean, as opposed to the funeral itself) and do that instead, eg go to a place that was special to you both or go through old photographs.

Gingaaarghpussy · 18/08/2018 23:09

I felt that, his personality wasn't there. It was just his outer shell.

If I was going to see him, it would be for my benefit, not his.

My dad was a christian, I was brought up in that faith, but I will NEVER believe that my feelings are less important.

Do what YOU feel is right for you, nobody else.

Bouledeneige · 19/08/2018 01:24

I remember my Mum saying she regretted not doing it with her parents so I saw my Mum - but not at the undertakers - just lying on the floor where she died. I could say goodbye and kiss her and tell her how much I loved her.

But I think it's a very individual choice and don't feel required to do so in any way.

cacaboudin · 19/08/2018 01:42

I went to see my friend yesterday and it really helped me feel like he has gone. He took his own life two weeks ago and as it has been so long, I was warned that he would not look good, and he really didn't, by it was a lot less distressing than I had anticipated. I had never seen a body before and was very apprehensive and wondered if it was the right thing to do. As others have said, he really wasn't there at all. I came away feeling comforted and now I'm less worried about the funeral next week.

You have to do what is right for you. He's gone and nobody will judge you for your choice.

wafflyversatile · 19/08/2018 01:43

Sorry for your loss.

Some people prefer to view the body. Some don't. Neither way is right or wrong. It's what you want.

If you do decide to view the body you can ask the funeral home person to lead you in and hold your arm until you are ok for them to leave you to it. That's what I did.

Therealme56 · 19/08/2018 01:50

So very sorry for your loss. Such a difficult decision for you. In our family we bring our relatives home until burial and it is normal for us to have an open coffin though obviously people can decide whether to view our not. I just feel that it gives me comfort to think that they might somehow "know" that I cared enough not to leave them alone or be afraid. They may not always look the same but they are still the person you knew or loved and who knows what they can still "know"? No rights or wrongs in this though Thinking of you x

Scrumptiousbears · 19/08/2018 01:54

OP, if it were you who died would you feel
Let down if people didn't come to see you? Personally I wouldn't want people to see me like that. I didn't see my dad. I don't regret it.

Original poster

thelmalouisewaitforme · 19/08/2018 08:39

I don't think I will go. I think my memories of him are enough.

OP posts:

StyleOfTheTimes · 19/08/2018 09:05

So sorry for your loss op. I’ve only ever seen one person and that was my grandma. She had cancer and I arrived at hospital just as she’d died. I decided I wanted to say goodbye to her but she didn’t look like her. She was pale, her hair was a mess and as she didn’t have in her teeth or her glasses on it was bizarre. I felt happy for her that she was at peace as the cancer was awful but to me that wasn’t my grom. I remember her as a happy, lively woman, who told you exactly what she thought. My brothers never saw her after but I think she’d of understood their wishes. In a way she didn’t really want people to see her at her worst. I’m sure everyone would understand your reasonings. I’d get that someone didn’t want that image to mar their memories of their family members.

TSSDNCOP · 19/08/2018 09:14

Having been twice, I regard it less of a chance to look at the person’s body and more of a chance to have some private time.

I talked to both people, I said out loud some memories and how much I would miss them and that I would look after others they’d loved. I wasn’t embarrassed as no one could hear me. It felt very intimate.

In both cases it really looked as though they were having an afternoon snooze, in the case of one that didn’t have a good death it was wonderful to see her at peace.

Afterward I was quite shaky, and was comforted for a few minutes by the undertaker. I reflected though,in my case, that it was better for my grief and personal well-being to have had that time than not.

Citylivingwithdogs · 19/08/2018 09:14

You will certainly not be letting him down in any way by not going. You really have to do what is right for you under such awful circumstances. You could always write down how you feel about him or what you would like to say to him as a ‘last thing you do for him’. Sending you strength.

Maybugger · 19/08/2018 09:18

I really wouldn't go unless you want to OP.
My MIL tried to make my young DCs (10 & 8) go and see FIL, I absolutely refused to even suggest it to them especially after she said that 'it was their 'duty' to do so)
It's a very individual choice, not one to be expected of others imo.
💐

LittleCandle · 19/08/2018 10:12

When DM died, another identification was required. DB suggested that I not go (think he thought I was more fragile than I actually am) and then-DH went instead. He said DM looked peaceful. I decided against viewing at the funeral home. Sometimes I wish I had gone, but I know that she was severely injured and I think overall that not going was perhaps wise. I saw DF just a short time after he died, but he didn't look that different to the days just prior to his death. I didn't view the body again.

Sadly, it is a decision that only you can make, but my sympathies are with you and his family.

Mrsmomo · 19/08/2018 11:32

OP is he in a chapel of rest or similar? Just a thought. Could the casket be closed for your visit? That way you could make your goodbyes, spend some time with him and still remember him in life. It might also give you a private moment to pay your respects to his mum and family.
I am so very sorry for your loss and hope this thread helps you to make your decision.

rwalker · 19/08/2018 11:38

I wouldn't go the idea of this terrifies me but as people have said ask for closed coffin then you can still have your private moment

Ta1kinpeace · 19/08/2018 11:45

I was at a funeral on Friday of a colleague.
His family were with him when he died.
Once he was dead the body was no longer "him".
The coffin was as near as anybody felt the need to be after that.

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