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Original poster

Viewing the body - terrified and don't know what to do

75 replies

thelmalouisewaitforme · 18/08/2018 21:59

My ex partner died a week ago. We broke up recently, it was all very messy (he got in trouble with the police) then he took his own life. I am devastated.

His mother has told me I am welcome to view the body, but I don't know what to do. I find the idea terrifying and quite horrific. I have never seen a dead body so have no idea what to expect.

I don't know if it will help me. Or if I am better remembering him as he was.

Does anyone have any advice? This is going round and round in my head and is really upsetting me.

OP posts:
Strawberrybelly · 18/08/2018 22:07

I'm so sorry for your loss. When I was deciding whether to view my Mums body someone asked which decision would I regret more, going or not going. In the end I did go and I wish I hadn't. She looked so different. Her hair and make up were wrong and she was wearing a lacy dress she would have hated. You need to make the right decision for you.

Notquitegrownup2 · 18/08/2018 22:08

First, I'm very sorry to hear of your loss. What an awful time for you.

With regard to seeing him, go with what you think best. There's no right and wrong answer. I was in the same predicament with my much loved Grandfather. I persuaded myself that I wanted to go and see him, but when we went inside the building, I realised that I wanted to remember him as he was, so doubled back and waited outside for my mum who had gone in.

The body will be in a small room called a chapel of rest. Bodies are dressed and the aim is to make them look as natural as possible. There will be some padding put into the cheeks, to stop them sinking in, and keep the face lifelike - like they put in when you have a filling at the dentist - and some make up will have been applied, to give a natural colour, rather than a very pale complexion. (I remember that my mum felt that they had been a bit heavy handed with the padding and blusher on my Grandad, so that it didn't really look very natural, whereas she had viewed other relatives who had been more naturally made up - possibly it's easier with younger skin.)

Hope that helps. Thinking of you.

Moominfan · 18/08/2018 22:10

There really is no right answer. I saw a friend and to me it just wasn't them, just a vessel. I think the other post which will you regret is a helpful way of thinking about it

Namethecat · 18/08/2018 22:11

Ive lost both my father and mother. With my father I was pregnant at the time and decided not too. I was with my mother when she died and feel I said my goodbyes then. I did not see her again at the undertakers. I'm fine with that. You shouldn't see his body if you are only doing it to please others - just tell them you'd rather remember them when they were alive.

Bluewidow · 18/08/2018 22:12

My husband looked beautiful, noticeably his hair was amazing. I admit I only went because my children wanted to see him (6 and 9 year old ). I was with him
When he passed so didn't really feel the need too. However I'm glad that the children and i got to see him one last time together as a family.

You don't have to go, no one will judge you. It's a very personal thing. I didn't see my nan when she passed as she looked very very thin and ill before she passed and not really herself and wanted to remember her in her house chatting away to me.

Pavlova31 · 18/08/2018 22:13

I decided against viewing my mum.
In the end I preferred just to remember her as she was.

Original poster
thelmalouisewaitforme · 18/08/2018 22:14

I am about 80% going towards not viewing him. I don't know what I would gain from it, other than an awful last memory of him - as opposed to the last time I saw him, when we were arguing on the driveway... Sad at least he looked like him then. And I think his view would be that it's not him anymore. I know he wouldn't want me to put myself through any unnecessary upset. Despite everything I know he loved me very much.

OP posts:
Junglefowl · 18/08/2018 22:14

This is so tricky; and I am so very sorry for your loss and for how hard this sounds for you.
I did go in to see two people I loved so much when they were dead and it really helped me as they looked so calm and ok and it sounds a bit odd but it helped me to thank them for being so good to me and tell them how much they meant to me - for me it was a helpful part of coming to terms and starting processing such a hard loss but it may be more complicated for you or too raw.
I do hope you’re coping somehow and so sorry

Original poster
thelmalouisewaitforme · 18/08/2018 22:17

I don't even know yet how he died (feels too raw still to ask his family for more details and they haven't offered them). But I am comforted that it wasn't a 'violent' death if the body is okay to be viewed.

OP posts:
Rebecca36 · 18/08/2018 22:18

No-one has to view a body. It's your choice entirely but if you decide to, I can assure you it is nothing awful.

Chopchopbusybusy · 18/08/2018 22:18

I’m sorry for your loss.
I saw my Dad very shortly after he died. I saw him because my Mum wanted to see him and I was there to support her. I’m crying as I write this because I wish I hadn’t seen him. My brother was there too when he died but he said I don’t want to see Dad. I’d rather remember him as he was. And so it was left for me to go with Mum.
When my Mum died I chose not to see her and I felt that was easier.
I don’t honestly know if I’d choose to see DH or not. I suppose it would depend on the circumstances. Flowers
I’m not sure anyone can give you advice as such. Just saybwhatbyheir experiences were.

percheron67 · 18/08/2018 22:19

I have only viewed one body. I was with my husband when he died and went back to the room after the nurses had washed him etc. He looked so very different. It wasn't horrible but he didn't look as if he were asleep which was what if had been told. He looked empty. It didn't scare me but, for that empty look, I didn't see my Ma or Pa because it wanted to recall them as they were. personal choice though. You have my sympathy - it is a difficult time.

BIWI · 18/08/2018 22:19

I made the choice not to go and see my mum. I had been with her when she died - or, technically, when they turned all the life support machines off Sad.

My dad did go and see her, and he said afterwards that he thought it was a good idea that I hadn't.

I'm very sorry for your loss, even though the circumstances of your relationship were difficult Flowers

Gingaaarghpussy · 18/08/2018 22:21

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I was given the opportunity to view my dad after he had died. I chose no to because I wanted to remember him as he was alive.
Because 1. He had died from cancer
2. I had sat with him as he died.
He wasn't how I wanted to remember him when he was in hospital, so I didn't want to be reminded of that.

It's so hard. For me, it would only be useful if I wanted to make sure that person was definely gone.Sad
I'm sorry.

Longdistance · 18/08/2018 22:23

So sorry for your loss op Flowers

Don’t feel pressured into going to see the body. My df passed away last year, and we saw him after he passed in the hospital. It was enough for me, and I could have seen him at the funeral parlour, as did my dm and my dB. But seeing him at peace was enough for me the first time.

It’s all personal preference. Don’t feel like you have to, if you don’t want to. Dm didn’t hold it against me that I didn’t want to see ddad again. She was his wife, and it was her decision. To me, seeing him after he passed in the hospital was enough.

ew1990 · 18/08/2018 22:23

I'm so sorry.

My dad took his own life 3 years ago - I didn't know wether I wanted to see his body, but I did. I am so glad I went, the undertakers did such a good job and even though it was hard to see he looked so peaceful, I got to say my final goodbye too

Oogle · 18/08/2018 22:24

I’m so sorry.
I saw my Grandad - I’d seen him an hour after he died and hated it, but I went in to see him in the chapel of rest & his hair was wrong - they restyled it before my Nan saw. It struck me how much I realised his soul had gone and it was just his shell. I found that comforting.

My Nan died recently, again I saw her after (it was sudden and she’d received CPR so the tube was still I) and I held her hand and kissed her. I went to see her at the hospital mortuary before post-mortem and it was horrendous. However, I’m going to see her at the chapel of rest next week and I need to. I know her soul has gone, but my mum says she looks lovely and I need that to be the last thing I see.

I think it wholly depends on circumstances and there really is no right or wrong.

Politicalacuityisathing · 18/08/2018 22:25

As others have said - there is no right answer. When my very dear and vibrant MIL died we viewed the body. I found it surreal, my DH and DBIL did not consider it "her" (a vessel as a PP said). When my dear FIL died we didn't see the body and my DH has had trouble processing his death. It may not be connected (it was very sudden and unexpected so plenty of other factors at play) but if you think it will help to acknowledge he has gone, you could go and accept it may be an odd/difficult experience. If you do not need that closure, you don't have to go. My DH was very sure he wanted to see his DM. Maybe you know you don't really want to?

Politicalacuityisathing · 18/08/2018 22:26

And do take care of yourself x it sounds a very distressing and difficult time x

TheDowagerCuntess · 18/08/2018 22:27

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's such a personal decision, and in your circumstances, I would probably lean towards not viewing. The purpose of it is really help with the grieving and processing of it all. It's not something you should necessarily do.

My Dad, brother and I saw Mum. I remember the three of us holding each other and walking trepiditiously towards the coffin and peering in. She didn't look like her in life, but it was helpful for my brother and I who hadn't been with her when she died (DF was).

I was with DF when he died, so didn't need to see him, but again my brother wasn't, and flew back from overseas. So I went with him. Again, he didn't look like him in life.

In both cases, for me, it was either helpful, or I needed to be there to support someone else.

I think if you don't think it will aid you in any way, then don't feel obliged to do it.

Thanks
NoGoodDeed · 18/08/2018 22:27

I'm very sorry for your loss.

I saw my great grandmother and it actually helped me at the funeral. She didn't really look like herself in the chapel of rest, so when she was buried I was able to acknowledge that it wasn't really her being buried, just the vehicle she inhabited so to speak. My dad did not see her body and really struggled with burying her, he felt like he was abandoning her.

It's an individual choice though. And either is fine.

doodlejump1980 · 18/08/2018 22:30

How do you want to remember him? And as he took his own life, will there be obviously upsetting evidence of this? Not fishing, just something to think about.
I’ve gone through two very close family deaths. My sister died from meningitis and I wasn’t allowed to view her. I was 17 at the time and was adamant that I did want to see her. With hindsight I’m glad I didn’t, as my last memories are of a happy and well sister. I was there when my darling Mum died in the Hospice, so didn’t feel the need to see her after that as I had said my goodbyes.
If you feel it will give you some closure, do it, but you don’t have to if you don’t want to. Flowers

Original poster
thelmalouisewaitforme · 18/08/2018 22:32

I feel like if I don't go I'll be letting him down somehow Sad like I couldn't even do that one last thing for him.

OP posts:
Babdoc · 18/08/2018 22:32

It’s entirely up to you, OP. You sound as though you feel you’d rather not, and that’s fine - nobody will force you, or think ill of you if you don’t go.
I tend to agree with not going. If you go, you will never be able to get that image out of your head, and it will be the last memory you have of him.
It’s only useful if you need the emotional closure of seeing a body to be able to accept that he’s dead.
The body is just the mortal remains- the shell, as it were - not the person you knew. Their soul is elsewhere, and it can be quite shocking to see that vacancy in front of you.
Think it over carefully, and go with your instincts. It’s a very individual thing as to whether you’d find it helpful or just ghoulish and upsetting. And I’m sorry you’re even in the position of having to make such a choice.

AdaColeman · 18/08/2018 22:33

I'm so sorry for your loss, what a difficult and painful time for you.

Don't feel that you have to go to please his family, do what you think is best for you.

Are you planning on going to the funeral? That would also be a time when you will be able to say goodbye to him.

Kindest thoughts to you. Thanks

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