Anyone up? Some more sad news...

[LittleMissPositive]

My mum died on 26th Jan 2007. She was my rock. My best friend. The emotions I feel about her death are boundless. I cannot quantify how sad and desolate I feel without her.

She left my abusive, alcoholic father when i was young. He has not had any involvement in my live at all. I have thought about him, and about my roots, but not missed having him. I made the decision not to involve him in my adult life.

I have, in the last few weeks, just started to griev for my um, its taken some time, and its very very very raw still.

My sister phoned today, left a message on my ansafone, telling me my dad died. He died on 11 May 2007, in his bed, alone.

I feel, lots of things. I dont know what I feel really. I feel tearful. I feel anger. I feel nothing. I feel like my world that I thought I knew has been ripped from beneath my feet and I dont know what to do.

He is being cremated on 5th June. Should I go? I dont know.

I know its late. I know there is not a chance of a responce! I just needed to write it down. Its all falling apart, this life I thought I understood.

Oh, you poor love - I have no idea how you must be feeling, but I couldn't not post. Can you talk to your sister? Do you have any other siblings?

I read your post and thought I must say how sorry I am for your loss. Perhaps going to the cremation would help you to work through some of your feelings, a way of saying goodbye. Be strong, and take comfort in your happy memories of your mum. xx

I think you should go, it will give you a kind of finality to the situation that may be useful. You have my heartfelt sympathy.

hunkermunker - its a long story. My sister, she has alientated herslef by some cruel acts around my mothers death.

Brother - 40yrs old - alcoholic. Dad and mum split when he was 10. He has been damaged by it. Wants nothing to do with it.
Sister 39yrs old - cant talk to her, she did not even ask me how I was, felt, etc. She left sarcastic message on brother answerphone. Very cruel.
Other brother. In Army, he is indifferent. Not really, but pretends he is. He said 'he lived alone, he dies alone'.

Before my mum died, I thought (pretended?) my family were fine without a dad, where 'normal' if there is such a thing. I now realise, I feel more alone than I have ever felt.

I have a 10 month old baby, she is my world. I get married in 3 months and I am happy. But also feel more sadness than I ever thought possible. How can I feel two things at once? How can I cope with it?

My dad, its, almost, not a big deal. He was not part of my life. But. He was part of me. Him and mum. Both gone, less than six months.

I am sorry for banging on.
I promised this name would be nothing but positive, but I could not be bothered to change it. I will have to now!

Litllemisspositive, like hunker I couldn't not post. First, I'm sorry for your loss. I can really feel the pain in your words. It's doesen't take a scientist to work out that you've been thrown headlong into shock and grief, I'm not going to go into a bit rig morole about reasoning, if why etc but I'd second hunker's thoughts, re talking to your sister. It's vital that you have suppport! I can safely say without hesitation and I'm sure I'm not alone in the sentiment that there will be support here for you on MN. Once again I'm really sorry for your loss.
(XXXXXXXXXX)
Mhamai

Oh, sweetheart

Please give Cruse a ring

And be kind to yourself, my love. Don't expect too much of yourself, don't analyse how you are feeling over how you should be feeling.

And cuddle your beautiful daughter.

are there reasons why you shouldn't go?

also why has it taken 2 weeks for them to tell you?

Sorry littlemissposotive x post there. Darling please keep coming here for as much support as you need, a tad cliched perhaps but your not alone.

Mhamai - its why I posted. I have had lots of support from mn over the months gone. I have found support in grief, and in being a mum dealing with grief, which I guess is why I posted.

I did not really expect people to be up this late tho!!!
Thank you for your words of kindness...

nappyaddict - my dad was estranged from family. he isolated himself apart from drinking friends.

He was found in bed and he had no addresses or phone number to contact people. There was an org who did a thorough search of his house and found my sisters no.
He has been gone a long time.

So sorry to hear about your pain. I hope you can get together again with your sister. I had a fall-out with mine in circumstances surrounding a bereavement, I think those are very difficult times and can be very damaging. We've patched it up somewhat 3.5 years on, but I miss being totally open to her as we used to. Take care.

Your more than welcome littlemissposotive, I can't stay on I'm afraid as I've an early start in the morning and am away for the weekend but I promise I'll save this thread and look for you when I get back. (xxx)

Hunker - I have contacted Cruse actually. I am waiting ro a date for first appt any day now. It just seems a long time away.

Can you ring their support line if you need to speak to someone before your appointment?

I'm glad you're in touch with them - that's a positive step.

This is my last post and then I really must go but LittleMissPosotive, I know exactly how you feel re the urgency to get the appt, sadly my dd who is 20 and had only in the last year or so made contact with him (by accident) lost him to suicide in January just gone. Anyway her appt seemed to take forever but theres a reason for this, your grief and shock is probably so raw now, that it will take a lot of your strenght to get through these really hard dark days but I can tell you a few short months on (and they do fly) She is four to five sessions into her counselling and is really getting graet benefit from it. Holding you in my tho.ughts

Her dad that is. Sorry it's late and I'm tired. Talk to you soon hopefully Littlemissposotive. Nite nite x

I don;'t know how you are feeling but this sounds so sad and confusing.

No advice to give but just hope and support that things work out.

x
x

Mhamai - thank you. It helps to know that it will get easier. I am sorry about the loss of your Dd's [dad (?)]

I just dont know what to feel about my dad. I dont feel upset abput him actually dying. I know that sounds awful. But he was not part of my life. Its, well, there is nothing left. No family. My mum and my dad did not keep any records for me. Any history.

Right, this is how I feel, in the modern world. Its the only way I can explain it. I am in the middle of nowhere, and my mobile phone only has one no. which is my partners no. I cant call anyone else. I cannot reach anyone else. I dont know how to.

ok. I should go to bed. Its late. I am sorry for keeping you all up!

Oh im so sorry...

FWIW, i think you should go to his funeral. If you turn up, and change your mind, then at least you made the effort. You'll never regret that.

If you dont...there is a small chance you may wish to have said goodbye (good-riddance?) and didnt.

I hope you sleep, LMP, and wake with it all a bit clearer for you. Thinking of you x x x

I'm sorry to hear of your feeling of loss, and though I've not been there I think I would feel just as upset and confused in your situation. There's clearly been a lot of anger between members of your family, and still is, but death is a very final way of ending hopes of some sort of resolution and putting it behind you.

I agree with those who suggest going and also pursuing the counselling.

It sounds like you and your sister need at some point, maybe not right now, to talk about things. Was her behaviour around your mum linked to reestablishing contact with your dad, particularly as your mum left him?

Whatever you do do, though, and in the end the choice is of course yours, however hard it is, please do let us know.

Take care

I'm so sorry, LMP

I don't really know what to say - I have no idea how confused you must feel. I do hope you have some support in RL but do keep posting on here. There'll be more people around in the morning.

You have some time to make decisions - don't commit to anything yet. Give yourself some time.

{{hug}}

Best wishes LMP

Feel a bit clearer today. I am going to go to the funeral, I think.
Cruse phone this morning, I have an appt on tuesday, so maybe they can help me get some clarity on whats happened/how to deal with things.

Elkiedee - my sisters behaviour is a long running problem, she is controlling and selfish, unfortunately this is not grief talking but reality . She accused my brother specifically, but implicated me also, of being greedy money grabbers, because my brother suggested, with my agreement, that we sold the items of my mum's (furniture, not personal effects) and gave the proceeds to the grandchildren (the value would have been minimal, and would not have covered my brothers expenses travelling to visit mum, funeral etc, and we all have children, including my sister). She became extremely irrational from the moment the conversation took place, said some extremely nasty things. She refused to go to my brothers wedding two weeks after mum died, but cowardly told him she was unwell, on an answa machine message left by by her husband. And she told him dad died, and added on the message, 'dont bother rushing down with a van, he died in poverty '.

I cannot talk to my sister. Once I tell her what I am feeling. It will be the end of our relationship. Its how she works . I have not told her what I am feeling yet, as I am not ready to lose another family member.

Anyway, thanks for the support last night. It was good to get replies. I was not expecting any!!