Anyone up? Some more sad news...

[LittleMissPositive]

My mum died on 26th Jan 2007. She was my rock. My best friend. The emotions I feel about her death are boundless. I cannot quantify how sad and desolate I feel without her.

She left my abusive, alcoholic father when i was young. He has not had any involvement in my live at all. I have thought about him, and about my roots, but not missed having him. I made the decision not to involve him in my adult life.

I have, in the last few weeks, just started to griev for my um, its taken some time, and its very very very raw still.

My sister phoned today, left a message on my ansafone, telling me my dad died. He died on 11 May 2007, in his bed, alone.

I feel, lots of things. I dont know what I feel really. I feel tearful. I feel anger. I feel nothing. I feel like my world that I thought I knew has been ripped from beneath my feet and I dont know what to do.

He is being cremated on 5th June. Should I go? I dont know.

I know its late. I know there is not a chance of a responce! I just needed to write it down. Its all falling apart, this life I thought I understood.

Hi lil'miss, I know I am late but I just want to express my utmost sympathy. I cannot say I experienced anything similar like your Dad's death, but I also think (as said before and as you have probably decided by now) that you should go to the funeral. It will probably help you come to terms with the "situation" (stupid word, I know). You will have some act that ends it iyswim - kind of. At least it will (hopefully) end that state of limbo I imagine you are in right now. I hope I am making myself clear.
I lost my Ma (as yours she was my best friend and we talked at least once every day) when 18 weeks pg with dd (first dgc). I was and still am devastated, so I think I know to some extent what you are feeling. It takes a long time and I still have times when it feels very raw, but it does get better with time. What helps me is that dd (who will never see her dear grandma in rl) has soooo much of my Ma, it is amazing. Sometimes I think she's looking at me through the eyes of my dd. Sorry this is so long, but I couldn't not post. If you want to chat, feel free to do so. I am thinking of you!
All the best, XX

LMP, I'm glad you're feeling clearer today and I hope the appointment with Cruse helps. They are excellent, by all accounts.

Thinking of you x x x

Thanks Cookie and Hunker
Cookie - I am sorry about you losing your mum. Its the most awful thing I have ever felt, and I did not imagine, even over the last few months, the initial months, that it would get worse before it got better.
My employers have been good. I had a home visit today as I have been off work a few weeks. Told me to take my time.

I have taken some steps to trace relatives of my dad. I did not know him, but others did, and he lost touch with many family members and no addresses to contact people. I do not want others to lose out on saying goodbye and showing they care because of mine and my sisters own feelings (seperately, we feel very different things).

Also, the pub he drank at are holding a wake, full of irish people. Maybe I can get some information about my family from them.

I feel alone and isolated and like I have little family, and I never really realised how little. I think my DD has made me realise that I have missed out on more than I knew growing up. I really would like her to know a bit about both sides of my family. Even if they dont want to have any contact.

But, on the other hand. I feel guilty even thinking about doing something for my dad. He made my mum's life a misery, and he broke her. Would she understand my need to keep my extended family in my life, somehow?

Oh, I am rambling. I think I am just sounding out my thoughts.

God its friday, Lighten up LMP!

LMP, if it hadn't been for your dad, you wouldn't exist - he might have been your mum's worst mistake, but she loved you and wanted you to be happy, am I right? So do what you feel you have to, and don't think you are betraying her.

Is there any family on your mum's side to trace?

hunker - I have an uncle (mum's brother) who is doing a family tree. I intend to pay more interest in it than I used to.
And your right about dad being part of me, and thats why I feel mixed up, I have lost both elements that created me. And mum always said she had 4 reasons why she never regreted meeting my dad (she had 4 children).

LMP, I have not read the whole post, but I think you are going to grieve for the dad you should of had, for the man he could have been, more then for the person he was and for the fact he died alone, even if it was through things he brought to himself.

There is a need in you to find your roots in his family, your mum would understand, but please know that you might just find more pain.
My dad died when I was 12 and my sister and I were his 2nd family, (he and my mum were not married) I have not seen any of his family since his funeral (they did not tell me when my grandmother died, nor when his son got killed in the gulf) I could walk past then in the street and not know them.
Go to the funeral, hopefully it will bring you some sort of closure.

You may have lost the tangible people who created you, but you have memories of them (I know some will be painful, but I wish for you that they will fade over time), and you have their essence within you, and you will, I'm sure, see the best of them within your DD as well.

I hope the family tree gives you some comfort - and what a lovely thing for your mum to have said re the four of you.

Perhaps try writing down some of your favourite memories of your parents, so they don't fade and they are there for your DD when she gets older?

kimi - thanks for this. Your right about it pos bringing more pain. It is why I had never intended on seeking him out when alive. Up until this week, I just felt that having him in my life would bring no positive. I was never angry with him, or upset, I just never knew him. But now, I guess its just happened so close to mum dying that I have not yet had time to put those real raw emotions into some sort of 'order' before this. I think, had it happened a few years ago, or in a few years, it would not be a big deal.

Anyway, I am off to bed. Thanks for your support everyone.

LMP I am so sorry to hear of your loss(es). It is so sad when a situation as tragic as this divides a family instead of uniting it. My mum went through something similar when she lost her parents (she also has a selfish and controlling brother who as executor of the will deliberately stalled sale of the house and would not give my mum and her sisters objects of my nan's that held sentimental rather than monetary value (eg jewellery they had bought her as kids). It made their grieving harder to bear. It's great that you have good things in your life to anchor you and help you get through this awful time. Ultimately you need to do what you feel is best re. the funeral but maybe it would be good to go - not only for closure but also to alleviate any guilt you may feel at a later date. You have absolutely no reason to feel guilty but the psyche can be merciless at times.

I'm so sorry for what you have been through.

Try and put your Dad out of your mind, you have enough to deal with already without adding to the burden. I wouldn't go to the service, what is the point if you have not involved him in your adult life and why should you if he was abusive to you/your mum.

Its obviously dreadful timing in light of your mum dying in January but focus on yourself and concentrate on the positives in your life like friends and other family

Hi lil'miss, I am sure that your mum would understand your need to say your good-byes to your dad and to be able to deal with the event of his death, especially after she is gone also. It is the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life. I know what you mean about it getting worse before ever getting better. That is probably due to the fact that it is such a shock and (at least in my case) even though you know that it is bound to happen one day, still you never really expect it to iykwim. I am also sure that my Ma is "happy" (or would be) that my father has found a new partner. My brother seems to be unable to accept that and I have not heard from him since a year ago. So sad, he's dd's godfather and our family isn't exactly big as well. What I intend to do is making the most for our little family and the relatives in touch. As you said - your mum still had reasons to be thankful for having been with your dad and she did love him once. I wish you all the strength you need and hope to hear from you again! Take care....
XX

thanks Cookie - mum's death was 'expected' if there is such a thing. Does not change the emptiness, or that I feel cheated somehow. I dont feel like that with my dad. I think what Kimi said is true I am feeling sad for the relationship I should have had, and now cannot (although I know, in reality, this would never have happened anyway). I feel sad that the two people who created me are gone, and seem to have taken a lot of things with them, family details, addresses, names, which I wont be able to get. That romantic notion that one day I might go find him, or him me, and he will be happy and sober and will want a relationship with me, and me with him and it will all be great. I was never under any illusion of that ever being the case. But with his death, that romantic dream is no more either. Thats what I think it is with his death. Does that make sense.

I feel now though, like the world I now find myself in, family wise, well to be honest everything...it has all changed so much, so quickly it does not feel like me anymore, its like someone else's life, one who I would never have thought was me, and I am not sure I recognise it. But think it was probably always my life and I lived under an illusion that my family were different, that they were 'normal'

I dont think any of that made any sense!

oh dear, didnt change my name back [oops] oh well, its not imflammatory stuff!

I'm so sorry for you LMP.

LMP-just seen this. Sending you virtual hugs from me and the rest of the July ladies.

((xx))

Very sorry LMP. Even if you weren't close to your Dad, it's still a big loss - and to come so close to the loss of your dearest Mum.

Grieve in your own time and in your own way. And take comfort and happiness from your beautiful little girl.

I was reading a book the other day in which the young daughter asked her Mum "Mummy, you're not ever going to die, are you"? and her Mum replied "not until you are a Mummy, my sweet". Obviously that can't always be the case - but it was for you. And I'm sure your LO can help you get through this....

Hugs Impy x

Lmp,so sorry for your losses. My gran (who was a mother to me) Died when i was 1st pregnant with ds2. It floored me even though we knew it was going to happen and three yrs on i still think about her and miss her everyday - it dulls a little and the anger fades but you learn to live with the pain.
My dh and i both have an absent parent and although we know were they are i lurch between hating them for not wanting to know their family to feeling we're better without them. Not the same as your circumstances but just to let you know that many of us have difficult family circumstances so please don't feel alone or that everyone else has perfect families etc. I know that i'm guilty of that sometimes. Thinking of you.

oh pav, I've just seen this {{{ hugs for you }}} you poor thing

I am so sorry that this has happened, and so soon as well.

I think you should go to the cremation. I think that if you don't, in years to come, you will always regret not having gone, and won't have what the Americans call closure.

Don't know what else to say, but my thoughts are with you.

LMP, my thoughts are with youx

thanks for new messages. It helps to know I am not alone with this.

I am prob going to the cremation, but keep flitting between yes and no. I will prob decide for sure the day before!

Hey pav, I guess it is oK to just decide on the day if you feel up to it or not. And I do think that what you wrote makes sense.
After my Ma's death I kept wondering how life around me was going on as ever while my whole world was upside down. It just felt so unreal - and sometimes still does. I know what you mean about dates and names and things lost, I feel the same. Especially comparing dd's development to my own - my Pa is lousy when it comes to remembering such details, especially what happened when (weaning, potty training, walking etc.). I am very happy though that there is soooo much from my Ma in my dd (I do not see her as a surrogate though!!), and I promised myself to bring her up knowing as much as possible about her grandma even though she will never meet her in this life.

XX

Hi Pav,

to hear about the loss of your dad, it's always hard when someone passes on, no matter how much you love or hate them.

But take courage in your little girl, she's so precious and I know how much you love her.

too for your mum, that was so special what you had with her. Say goodbye if you can. Look to the future.
Thinking of you.

Annie

x

Pavlov - so sorry to hear you're having to cope with this as well this year, and also the problems with the rest of your family .

I can understand about the mixed feelings I think, my father was an alcoholic and died kind of similarly after a long estrangement. It's an odd sort of finality isn't it.

Go easy on yourself hun, don't feel pressured to feel a particular way or do anything for now xxx

Cookie - I cant see mum in DD, yet, although once I glimpsed a facial expression, think I wanted to. She is v independent tho, and my mum was feircely so, however people I know say this is me, as I am (some call it stubborn!), maybe this is a trait mum, me and DD all have, which I guess is the same?
F@F and Annie - thank you. Its mostly positive in my life, and you are right, I have the most wonderful baby girl, who means more to me than I ever ever realised she could.

DP and I have been arguing a lot lately, esp yesterday, we had the most enormous argument and I thought for a moment it might be over . He has run out of patience with me now. He says he has feelings too, and he cannot ignore them. It just seems like its always my fault. I just want to have a day where I can be grumpy and a bit snappy without having it turn into an argument. You know, just be able to be how I feel and have him say 'you poor hun, give me hug babe, it will all be ok, just be how you want today, I will always be here'. I know I wont wollow and expect this everyday. But if I even think about being grumpy, he presumes its him and when I tell him its not, he tells me that I had better find another way to deal with this as its effecting our relationship. I dont want my greif, or inability of it, to ruin out relationship. All the negative things seem to be higlighted right now.

Anyway, I know its going to be tough. we will get through it.

I have an appt with CRUSE this afternoon so, hopefully, that will be the start of the healing process.