Last week my Mum arrived after phoning me to say she had sad news and needed to come over immediately. I was convinced my Grandma had died - she has dementia. There was simply no one else it could be. I was wrong.
She had come to tell me that my ex husband and father of my son had made a decision to end his own life. She had to tell me 3 times before I understood what she was saying to me. My son was at an evening activity and I had 40 minutes to compose myself and figure out what to do.
My DS arrived home, in a fantastic mood as he’d had such a great time and I had to shatter his world and tell him his beloved Daddy had died. He looked at me blankly and said ‘whose daddy’ I said ‘I’m sorry sweetheart - your Daddy’ the scream that followed will haunt me forever.
DS asked what happened when I told him and I said Daddy was poorly and we didn’t know and he hasn’t asked anything else. I have been speaking to Winstons Wish and know that when he asks questions I must be open and honest with him. So far he has not asked anything but I am ready when he does - I don’t want to force the issue. I asked him today if he had any questions and he said Mummy - I’m just not ready yet.
My heart is broken. My absolute priority is DS mental health both now and in the future. We have already been assigned a lady from CHUMs who is coming to meet us next week.
It’s all such a big shock. Nobody knew he was suffering. We had been divorced for 4 years and were amicable. He had separated from his long term GF last year and while I knew he had been down, he had really picked himself up since Christmas. He was a wonderful parent and we co parented well together. I keep picking up my phone to text him about DS and seeing the last seen on WhatsApp and feeling sick... we have rehomed his cat to help DS as he was so worried about what would happen to her and so far all is well with her integrating with our own pets - stupidly I went to WhatsApp him a picture of the cat curled up on the sofa with our dog to show how well it is going!
I am very lucky in that we have huge support. My long term partner has been amazing, my Mum has been phenomenal but I’m worried about her because my Dad died when I was little and it must be horrendous to see this happening again. I have a close knit group of friends and have always been amicable with ex DH family which helps.
DS is doing really well, I’m sleeping in his room as he doesn’t like being away from me for now, he’s talking openly about his Daddy and we share memories and his room is full of photos of him and his Dad.
The night before he did this we spoke and made plans for DS and how to manage the summer holidays. I have already signed DS up to the clubs we’d agreed - it’s important to me I follow his wishes.
I just don’t know how to feel myself, I feel ashamed that I didn’t know he was suffering, guilty because if we were still married maybe it wouldn’t have happened, angry that he’s left DS and me to pick up the pieces, devastated for DS and unable to accept what he’s done and that we won’t see him again.
I don’t even know why I wrote this post. I created a Mumsnet account today just to write it as a friend suggested I look at the bereavement board on here. It’s helped to write it all down actually. Thank you for reading and if anyone has any advice it will be greatly received.