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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

My DS Daddy has taken his own life

51 replies

Matilda15 · 27/04/2018 22:18

Last week my Mum arrived after phoning me to say she had sad news and needed to come over immediately. I was convinced my Grandma had died - she has dementia. There was simply no one else it could be. I was wrong.

She had come to tell me that my ex husband and father of my son had made a decision to end his own life. She had to tell me 3 times before I understood what she was saying to me. My son was at an evening activity and I had 40 minutes to compose myself and figure out what to do.

My DS arrived home, in a fantastic mood as he’d had such a great time and I had to shatter his world and tell him his beloved Daddy had died. He looked at me blankly and said ‘whose daddy’ I said ‘I’m sorry sweetheart - your Daddy’ the scream that followed will haunt me forever.

DS asked what happened when I told him and I said Daddy was poorly and we didn’t know and he hasn’t asked anything else. I have been speaking to Winstons Wish and know that when he asks questions I must be open and honest with him. So far he has not asked anything but I am ready when he does - I don’t want to force the issue. I asked him today if he had any questions and he said Mummy - I’m just not ready yet.

My heart is broken. My absolute priority is DS mental health both now and in the future. We have already been assigned a lady from CHUMs who is coming to meet us next week.

It’s all such a big shock. Nobody knew he was suffering. We had been divorced for 4 years and were amicable. He had separated from his long term GF last year and while I knew he had been down, he had really picked himself up since Christmas. He was a wonderful parent and we co parented well together. I keep picking up my phone to text him about DS and seeing the last seen on WhatsApp and feeling sick... we have rehomed his cat to help DS as he was so worried about what would happen to her and so far all is well with her integrating with our own pets - stupidly I went to WhatsApp him a picture of the cat curled up on the sofa with our dog to show how well it is going!

I am very lucky in that we have huge support. My long term partner has been amazing, my Mum has been phenomenal but I’m worried about her because my Dad died when I was little and it must be horrendous to see this happening again. I have a close knit group of friends and have always been amicable with ex DH family which helps.

DS is doing really well, I’m sleeping in his room as he doesn’t like being away from me for now, he’s talking openly about his Daddy and we share memories and his room is full of photos of him and his Dad.

The night before he did this we spoke and made plans for DS and how to manage the summer holidays. I have already signed DS up to the clubs we’d agreed - it’s important to me I follow his wishes.

I just don’t know how to feel myself, I feel ashamed that I didn’t know he was suffering, guilty because if we were still married maybe it wouldn’t have happened, angry that he’s left DS and me to pick up the pieces, devastated for DS and unable to accept what he’s done and that we won’t see him again.

I don’t even know why I wrote this post. I created a Mumsnet account today just to write it as a friend suggested I look at the bereavement board on here. It’s helped to write it all down actually. Thank you for reading and if anyone has any advice it will be greatly received.

OP posts:

Arcadia · 27/04/2018 23:02

Hi OP my heart goes out to you and your family. My father killed himself when my brother sister and I were 6, 13 (me) and 15. My mum was always open with us and we talked a lot but all handled it in different ways. I recently told my daughter, 8, what had happened to him and chose my words carefully. In fact she came up with 'so he made himself die?' Which moved me, as well as 'he must have been very brave to do that'. We discussed that he had an illness in his mind (I avoided the word 'sad' as I thought this is a normal emotion), and the fact that because he had an illness he thought he was doing the right thing for those of us he loved.
Obviously this is different from your situation as she is one step removed and obviously never met him, but I just thought I would share that as children do have their own way of 'framing' things.

Dibbosteme · 27/04/2018 23:03

Really sorry to hear this, hope you get through and manage to support your DS, as you already doing so well.

Whilst at school in the 1970s a good friend's Dad took his own life and the family (Mum and 3 teenagers) were all devastated. None of them saw it coming and that was the worst aspect of it in many ways.

My now adult children have known a number of young men from school who have taken this route. Men's mental health needs require more support and awareness in our society.

britespark1 · 27/04/2018 23:03

Simply could not read and run. You sound like a truly amazing lady. I am so sorry to hear if your awful news, my eldest DS is 7 and couldn't comprehend this. So much love being sent to you both.

DangerEgg · 27/04/2018 23:03

What a terrible thing to have happened, I'm glad you are getting support, you sound very strong but it must be so so hard for you.

yorkshireyummymummy · 27/04/2018 23:06

The only advice I can give you is that you might find some people tell you not to take your son to his father’s funeral.
I would totally 100% advise against this.
We don’t know how old your boy is but I’m guessing under 11.
Children are just as entitled as adults to go to a funeral. My thought has always been that if you are old enough to know somebody and to miss them , to know that you are loved and you love in return then you are old enough to go to a funeral. A child still needs to be able to say goodbye.
My lovely friend who i have known since I was 11 lost her dad to suicide when she was 9. She wasn’t told he had killed himself and she didn’t go to his funeral. She struggled through her teenage years and in fact went through a phase where she didn’t believe that he was dead....she was convinced that he was alive but everybody was lying to her. At the age of 22 she went rummaging in her mums wardrobe looking for something and she found her dads death certificate. She had a complete and utter nervous breakdown, followed by a period where she couldn’t be left alone for a minute as she tried to kill her self. Four times she was pulled back from the brink of death.
Her dad had been cremated and ( her parents were separated) his girlfriend collected the ashes. So my lovely friend had no funeral to say goodbye, and has nowhere to go to mourn her dad. She has recovered now after years of therapy but still hasn’t truly come to terms with his loss. And he died in 1985.

I’m NOT saying this will happen to your son, this is a worst case scenario. What I’m trying to do is show you the importance of being totally honest with your son , no matter how hard it is. Be honest with him and give him the support he needs and he will be fine. You sound like a lovely mummy who is close to her child and he will get through this . I’m sure there are lots of books etc that give loads of super advice and are much more knowledgeable than I but I tell people about ( my friend) whenever they are debating if they should take a child to a funeral.

As an adult I don’t know anybody at all who has ever said they regret being taken to a funeral as a child but I know LOTS of people (my husband is one) who still feels anger that they were not allowed to attend a funeral of somebody they loved. Times have changed luckily and it’s more acceptable now.

I’m so sorry you have both lost this important man. Don’t feel guilty, it was his choice and you couldn’t have done anything to stop him if he had made his mind up. It’s an awful time for you both and I send hugs to you and your son.

Pimpernell182 · 27/04/2018 23:06

So sorry this has happened to you op.

The same happened to my dh when he was a little younger than your son. Obviously I didn't know him then. As pp have said, and I'm sure you know, he will be affected by this. For my dh, his early experiences have given him a huge respect for his mother and an absolutely unwavering commitment to fatherhood, even on the hardest days. He would say that overall he had a happy childhood. I just wanted to say that perhaps the inevitable lasting impacts are not all bad.

smithsinarazz · 27/04/2018 23:07

So very, very sorry. Big hugs. xx

TwigTheWonderKid · 27/04/2018 23:16

You are clearly an amazing mum and your priority right now is obviously your son. However, as an orphan myself I hope you are also looking after yourself. You talk about the emotions this situation may bring up for your mum, but you also lost your dad at a young age and in my experience any subsequent bereavements bring up a lot of emotions so I do hope you are lso finding some time and space to consider your feelings too.

Prestonsflowers · 27/04/2018 23:17

I’m so very sorry that this has happened to your son and to you.
Please try not to feel guilty, even if you were still married you may have not been able to help him.
Be kind to yourself. It’s normal to be angry with him for leaving your son and you will probably go through a whole range of emotions.
💐💐

EllenRipley · 27/04/2018 23:19

I'm so sorry, that is such a sad and terrible thing to have to go through, for both of you. Like others have said you sound a brilliant mum and you are doing the absolute best you can possibly do in such difficult circumstances. Be assured that while this is something that your boy will now have to live with, how you and the rest of your family are handling this and supporting him now will go a very long way to ease his grief and help him get through it. I imagine he'll look back and remember how incredibly sad and awful it was to lose his dad but also how well supported and loved he was. Try not project too much into the future, work through it together, day by day, and remember it's ok for you to grieve too. I think guilt & anger are absolutely natural.

Will be thinking of you both x

SirVixofVixHall · 27/04/2018 23:19

So sorry op. Your poor little boy, it is heartbreaking to read.
I wonder if a woolly hug blanket would be something lovely for your son to keep ? There are lovely women on here who knit blankets for bereaved families, lots of different women knit squares with colours and motifs that are meaningful to the family and the person who has died. I’ve done squares in the past. If you think that is a good idea then I will try and get in touch with the people who organise it. There have been some really beautiful and moving blankets made.

NellMangel · 27/04/2018 23:26

I'm so sorry. Sending lots of love to you both xx

Katinkka · 27/04/2018 23:27

How awful. You and your boy are in my thoughts.

Annasgirl · 27/04/2018 23:32

Oh sending all my love to you. You sound amazing. You are lucky to have such great support. Your son will need help but you sound like you are already on top of it.
Do not try to blame yourself or wonder what if. Please try to get counseling for yourself as you too have suffered a loss, the person you hoped would be there to help you raise your DS. Your mum sounds amazing. Please keep talking, we will keep listening.

Freyanna · 27/04/2018 23:41

I am so very sorry for you and your son's sad loss.

Sending love and {{ Hugs}} to you both.

feelingfree17 · 27/04/2018 23:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BMW6 · 27/04/2018 23:43

So sorry for you, and particularly for your son.
I have experienced a suicide of a very much loved one, so understand your anguish and self recrimination.
But truly, honestly, you must not go down that road of "what if"s.
I am sure there will be an inquest. As distressing as it will be I suggest you attend and get the whole truth, so that you will be in a position to be able to explain this terrible decision he took to your son when he is ready to hear it.

TypingoftheDead · 27/04/2018 23:44

Virtual hugs to you, you sound like a very caring person, just make sure you look after yourself as well as your son. Sorry for your loss.

Lifechallenges · 27/04/2018 23:49

Well done for sharing. Hopefully people will be able to share experiences. Suicide is a very real and scary issue. I am a middle class mum of two from a settled comfortable background and yet I know of 10 people who have ended their own lives. They are a combination of old friends, friends family members and neighbour or neighbours children.
I struggle with how this became quite normal.

Mylittleboopeep · 27/04/2018 23:58

My dad died when I was 12 (not suicide) and if I can give you any advice it is to be totally 100% honest with any questions he has! no matter how much detail he asks for, tell him.

My dad was dying for 8 years but my mother never told me as she wanted to protect me. Even on the day he died, when everyone else knew it was his final hours, they let me go off roller skating. I can still remember my uncle waiting at the end of our drive to tell me. I really had no idea and the shock was immense. My uncle hit me across the face to stop me screaming....not the right way at all.

As hard as this is your son will be ok I am certain. My DD's friend's dad did this four years ago and she has coped so well and has come through it.

As someone unthread said, let him go to the funeral and say his goodbyes. Let him choose the flowers and card if he wishes or maybe choose a charity to donate to that he cared about.

Sending you a huge hug and hoping you stay strong.

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 27/04/2018 23:59

My DH also took his own life and left 4 distraught children behind....all under 15. Feel free to PM me, if you wish. I am so sorry for your loss xx

annandale · 28/04/2018 00:07

I'm so sorry. My Dh took his own life in February

annandale · 28/04/2018 00:13

Sorry posted too soon. Ds is 14. I'm sad there are so many examples just on this thread. Tbh it sounds as if you are supporting your son incredibly well. I have had phases of shock, lowness, high adrenaline and what I believe is technically known as 'acting like a complete tit'. Things like exercise, fresh air, flowers, counselling, massage and seeing friends have really helped. I have been shocked by how overloaded I get very quickly with any additional stress - as if my bandwidth is largely used up by grieving. Be careful not to take on too much. All the best to you.

Original poster

Matilda15 · 30/04/2018 12:23

Thank you for your kind words and support.

A hug blanket sounds wonderful - sorry I don’t know how to tag posters but more info would be great.

I have got a new plain and lined notebook for DS which is out with pens and crayons if he wants to draw and write.

We have a lady from CHUMs coming to meet us next week which is good. We have a long wait for the funeral and the inquest will be in the autumn and I have decided to go to that so thank you for all your advice.

My Mum has a friend who is a counsellor and I feel very comfortable with her so I am seeing her for myself to make sure I don’t bottle up too.

This is life changing for all of us but I am determined we will all still enjoy life and that this won’t be the defining moment in DS life, we will be open, honest and keep talking because what else can we do!?

It’s devastating that this happens to so many people. I plan to do some fund raising with DS in the future for the charities helping us now so we can do positive things.

Thank you all again.

OP posts:

64BooLane · 02/05/2018 07:42

Just seeing your update. That’s a really good idea about the drawing pad - I know my own ds would find that really helpful. It sounds like you’re taking lots of good steps.

I hope you’re both doing ok this morning. If this thread drops off the radar of active convos, do keep posting elsewhere.

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