Whether or not to see loved one again before the funeral

[ListeningtoBowie]

Has anyone done this? Did you regret it?
I realise it's such a personal decision but just not sure what to do.

I went to see my MIL the day she died (at the funeral home). After only a few hours she looked very dead and I think in some way that helped me process that she was gone. Once was enough though.

When my children died I went to see them about 3 times - I'm not sure if that helped or not tbh as it's taken a lot more coming to terms with. But I would do the same again.

My mam passed away recently and I was with her when she died.
She had been very poorly for a while and it was expected.

The lady I sat with for weeks was not my mother but the lady in the funeral parlour looked like the mam I remember....so pleased I decided to go

My dad died almost a fortnight ago, we are still waiting for the funeral and my maternal grandmama is really pushing that I should go and see his body (her side of the family usually has wakes). I don't want to, I'd much rather remember him when he was alive and healthy.

I've seen dead bodies before and I don't want to see my dad like that. I think it's hugely personal though. Said grandmama wants us all filing past suitably sad and ideally weeping when she's dead, I don't think dad would have cared either way.

I was with one parent when they died, in fact I was the one to say that they had died. I was at home when the other parent died with medics trying to save them, I was in a different room. For both I said my goodbyes in the hour after death. I did take time selecting their final outfits but I didn’t see them after that, I didn’t feel that I needed to. I haven’t regretted those decisions in the time since.

It’s a very personal decision, be gentle with yourself.

I didn't want to see my mum, but I know for a fact that if the tables had been turned, she'd have been with me 24/7 until the lid went on. I felt I owed it to her. Her hair wasn't right, and I tried to fix it. I couldn't but I can still "feel" the texture in my fingers. I'd put her make up and hair product in her handbag and a packet of polo mints, so I didn't want to disturb the way they had her settled. I put a duplicate toy bunny DD has, in with her at the last minute, so they could have one each. It felt like the last thing I could do for her, seeing her, but it wasn't comforting. I'd do it again if I had the time over. No regrets.

I went to see my DM at the funeral directors the day before her funeral. I didn't want to go but no-one else would and I felt someone needed to to check she had been properly 'cared' for. It was very odd and I wish I'd not had to see her like that, but equally still feel like it was the right decision in the circumstances. I'd been with her when she died so it wasn't squeamishness or anything like that, it was more that it just wasn't her IYKWIM?

I saw my Grandad in his coffin at the funeral parlour. I went with my Nana to support her because she wanted to see him and no one else would go with her.

I'd said my final goodbyes to him in hospital the day before he died. It was just the two of us and it was perfect and beautiful. A memory I'll treasure. I held his hand against my face and it was warm and soft and familiar.

I found the funeral parlour to be a frightening place. It's unfamiliar and somewhere that we don't really belong and to enter a strange room and find him lying there in a coffin was pretty awful. He'd been embalmed and his body was cold and hard now and his skin was discoloured.

I agree with others when they say that it definitely brings closure. Between when I last saw him alive and then dead, it was so hard to comprehend how he could just be gone. When you see a dead body, there is no doubt that it is just that, a dead body. Although he didn't look scary or distressed or anything in death, he was most definitely gone and that helped me to process it.

I wish now though that when I think about him dying, I didn't picture his corpse in his coffin and instead remembered him blowing me a kiss and telling me he'd love me forever, when we said goodbye to each other for the last time.

Love you and miss you Grandad. x

If you asked me before my DM passed away, then I would of been adamant that I would not have gone to see anyone after they had died, but I felt that needed to see her when she was in the chapel of rest and even though it was just her shell left, I took a great deal of comfort from going.

Sorry for your loss op

It's entirely dependent on circumstances for me. I've seen several close family members, shortly after death and then again at the funeral directors before the funeral.

The worst was someone who had died suddenly in an accident. They'd tried their best to make him look right, but it was obvious that his death had been traumatic. That vision haunted me for years and I couldn't look at photos of him for a long time as all I could see was his injuries.

Others who have had peaceful deaths I haven't felt so traumatised by and seeing them has helped me to come to terms with the fact that they're really gone. That said, once they're embalmed they just don't ever look quite 'right' - too waxy, which is understandable, but for some people that waxy texture and the coolness of their skin can be difficult.

And although funeral directors try to make them look as much like their living form as they can, sometimes they get it wrong which again can be distressing for relatives to see.

For me I chose to see my Grandad as the last time I saw him in hospital was not pleasant, he was so ill and uncomfortable that my memory of him was of suffering. I'm glad I saw him in his coffin, he looked peaceful and comfortable which helped me immensely. My condolences to you OP, it's such a hard time

I lost my mum when I was 21, I went to the funeral home the morning after she died and did her makeup, she never left the house without it so I figured she wouldn't want people visiting her until it was done.

People were shocked and said they didn't know how. I could do that but I think it was my way of coping and I'm glad I did it. It was like I got to spend one last time just me and her.

I sat with her for an hour or so every day up to the funeral, although I'm not sure doing this a was a good idea because when it came to the funeral I screamed and broke down and begged my DH not to let them take her.

I think you'll regret not going to see her at least once though OP, especially if you didn't get chance to say goodbye before she passed away

I was at my nans death and held her hand as she left us - it was a privilege to be there for her at the end. I didn't visit her afterwards.

When my brother died unexpectedly, I HAD to visit because I wouldn't have believed he was gone. He looked like he was asleep with a smirk on his face (like he was playing a trick on me). That image is etched into my brain. My dm kissed him and was upset that I couldn't but everyone is different.

Sorry for your loss x

I am going to see my DH tomorrow, and whatever he looks like I'll know it's not really him, because his spirit left his body when he died. I was with him when he died and by that time he was so tired and exhausted that he no longer looked himself. I shouldn't have looked at this thread because now I am quite scared. I am going with his cousin who he grew up with for support. I don't know what to do.

I had seen my dad alive the morning of the day he died - he went suddenly and unexpectedly that night. We had had a chat and a coffee. I decided that that was the way I would rather remember him and so chose not to go to the undertakers. If I had not happened to pop in that morning then I might have felt different.

I'm sorry for your loss Prosecco. I hope your visit with your DH tomorrow brings you comfort.

Everyone said to my Nana that my Grandad was gone, it was just his body etc, but it was still the body that she'd loved for years. The face she'd kissed and the hands she'd held.

My grandad passed away suddenly in hospital on Friday and I went to see him straight after, he looked just like he'd sit up and tell me not to make such a fuss. I had a bit of a chat and said goodbye.

We're able to go and see him again today in the hospitals chapel of rest but I'm still undecided whether I'll go in, I went back in after about an hour or so on Friday and he already looked 'not there' so I think I'd rather wait til he's at the funeral home in his own clothes once they've done whatever they do.

I think it would depend for me. I haven't been to see any dead relatives, but they were all older; maybe if it was someone I really wasn't expecting to have died, it would be different? If I felt I needed to say goodbye 'in person' if that makes sense.

I think it's really personal, and there's no 'right' answer. It's a hard thing. Either option is so heart-breaking that it's never easy at all, I think.

Prosecco sending you strength, whatever you decide to do.

I went to see my Grandad in the funeral home, it was very disturbing for me but I needed to do it as I needed closure.
He had been ill for a while and lived abroad. I had last seen him the Christmas before I got married but had expected to see him at my wedding in the summer. He took a turn for the worst and couldn't make it to my wedding, he passed away a few weeks later and I never got to say goodbye as I was unable to go visit him. So I went to visit him when his body was brought home so I could say goodbye. I miss him so much.

I went to see DH today and I'm glad I did. He just looked as though he was sleeping. He was wearing the clothes I took in for him, polo shirt and shorts, which was what he normally wore around the house. It will make it easier at the funeral as I now know that it is just his body. 'He, his spirit' is elsewhere. I put a card in the coffin as it would have been our 46th wedding anniversary two weeks tomorrow.And then our daughter, his cousin and I went out for lunch and raised a glass (or two!) to him!

I saw Dad and I wish I hadn't. Could happily have lived without that image in my brain forever.

for you prosecco

I did only once, a grandparent. I wish I hadn't as it's still 20 years later the face I see and remember first. I've said when I go only my husband and kids are allowed to see me and then only if they want to.

I had a cousin who spent hours visiting with our grandparents body which I find odd and I don't want to happen to me.

I really struggled when my dh died suddenly. I really couldn't make my mind up whether to go and see him. I knew I may regret it forever if I didn't