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Original poster

Whether or not to see loved one again before the funeral

69 replies

ListeningtoBowie · 18/03/2018 20:30

Has anyone done this? Did you regret it?
I realise it's such a personal decision but just not sure what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
ListeningtoBowie · 18/03/2018 20:31

I mean the deceased person

OP posts:
MrsWooster · 18/03/2018 20:32

I did, and it was horrible but I am glad I did. It gave a tiny bit more certainty to the awful unbelievableness that he was gone.

retirednow · 18/03/2018 20:33

So sorry for your loss, I didn't see my dad at the undertaker, I waited for the funeral.

Spartacunt · 18/03/2018 20:35

I would say don't - remember them as they were alive.

Original poster
ListeningtoBowie · 18/03/2018 20:35

I saw my dm when she passed but the funeral hasn't taken place yet and I'm unsure of whether to see her again and the whole embalming process.

OP posts:
margotsdevil · 18/03/2018 20:36

Sorry for your loss. I lost my nana recently; I decided I'd rather remember as she was however I know mum and sister did visit her at the funeral home and were glad they did. Equally I have no regrets about not doing so. It's a really personal choice tbh and there's no right or wrong answer.

JaimesGoldenHand · 18/03/2018 20:36

I've done it twice. One I really regret. The second was ok but I don't feel it particularly helped. OTOH I expect if I'd decided against it, I'd always be wondering whether I should have done it.

Longdistance · 18/03/2018 20:36

My df passed away in July.

We went to the hospital after he passed away. We were planning his funeral, and dm, dB and my cousin (who hadn’t seen him for a few years) went to see him.

I said my goodbye in the hospital. That was enough for me.

I think it’s a personal choice that you make, and you shouldn’t be pressured into seeing him, if you don’t want to.

Flowers sorry for your loss.

BeverlyGoldberg · 18/03/2018 20:39

I did. Very recently.

I don't regret it. I'm glad I saw him. It was however really really hard to see him obviously dead. He looked very stern whereas in reality he was very happy and mischievous.

I was there with him when he died. He had pneumonia which took its toll on him physically. He had lost a lot of weight and had been struggling to breathe. I was therefore prepared for him not to look his best but the harsh reality of death really upset me.

I am really glad I did it. I felt it was a privilege to bear witness to his death and I wanted to be there for him at the end.

If you want to PM me to talk further I'd be happy to try and help as best I can.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 18/03/2018 20:41

I didn't go to see my beloved Grandad because I didn't want to remember him as a corpse. Sounds harsh, but I knew that it would somehow manage to taint my very happy memories. I've felt the same about subsequent deaths in the family...

HolyShmoly · 18/03/2018 20:42

I'm Irish and we wake our dead, including laying them out in the coffin to pay last respects. I understand why others don't like it, but I found it very helpful when my father died. Although that was his body in the coffin, that wasn't him, what made him him left his body when he died.

But I think it's also important to note that his wasn't the first dead body I had seen or touched, as it is just a normal part of growing up where we're from. I'd already seen my grandparents, neighbours, etc. It might be harder if it's the first time you've seen someone like this.

I'm sorry for your loss.

user1471550643 · 18/03/2018 20:42

I’m sorry for your loss. I saw both of my parents. It was a hard decision to make but for me personally I’m glad I did. My mum had been left for a while after she died in hospital and the memory of seeing her like that was playing on my mind. She looked so much better when I went to see her it was s great comfort. The undertakers were very supportive both times explaining what was going to happen to prepare me.

Crumblevision · 18/03/2018 20:44

My DM passed away just before Christmas and I saw her immediately after (an hour or so) and again in the funeral home. I don't regret seeing her the second time but I would not choose to do it again (visit someone in the funeral home). I am sorry for your loss Flowers

ParadiseCity · 18/03/2018 20:44

I am sorry for your loss.

I have done this 50% of the time for close family and friends, generally the Irish side of my family but not always. I have found that I've grieved those people slightly 'better' but this could be down to just being a more open side of the family, where we talk and reminisce more. I would err on the side of seeing them but I don't think it makes a huge difference, it's still really sad whatever you do. Take care of yourself xx

Dontknowwhattodoknowok · 18/03/2018 20:47

I was petrified of seeing my DM when she died- we had been there ten mins after she died and she looked asleep. But in her coffin she looked totally different and it upset me. I had nightmares for weeks. When my DH DF died, he asked me to come with him to view him and I was absolutely petrified after my DM experience but actually even though he looked just as “bad” as my DM, it brought me comfort in a weird way. I’d suggest going to see them- work up to the coffin (usually the chapel of rest or viewing rooms are big) and even if you stand at a distance and talk to them, you’ll feel comforted. You don’t have to look right at them if that makes any sense. Sometimes just being in their presence is comforting.

picklemepopcorn · 18/03/2018 20:47

I was with him as he passed, we were able to hold him until we were ready to let him go. That seemed the better memory than going to the funeral home.

5BlueHydrangea · 18/03/2018 20:47

I went to see my mil with dh. She was pretty elderly. She had been embalmed and I thought she looked better than when she was alive!
If you've never seen a deceased person before it can be very strange, it may also help you though as you can see a 'lifeless' body. So still. Clearly the soul has gone, and this can help with accepting the death of that person.

Dontknowwhattodoknowok · 18/03/2018 20:48

Also worth noting if your loved one has been embalmed as you reference in your post then the likelihood is that they’ll look better than someone who hasn’t been embalmed. So sorry for your loss.

Original poster
ListeningtoBowie · 18/03/2018 20:48

Thank you. I did see her shortly after she died and I have seen a dead body before but nevertheless it's still difficult and just not sure whether I should just leave her be now.

OP posts:
WhenEnoughIsEnough · 18/03/2018 20:49

When my ddad passed I really didn't want to go and see him in the chapel of rest however i went becaise I didn't want to have regretted it and it being too late to have that decision. I went and it was fine not horrible however not pleasant. He looked just the same as i remembered him and not 'dead' as such. Overall I was glad I went

LEMtheoriginal · 18/03/2018 20:50

I saw my dad when he passed then the following morning. Never will I do that again. His spirit had gone. The hospice did their best but it didn't look like my dad. I saw him again at the funeral parlour as I needed to not have that as my last image but I regret both occasions.

Bananasandchocolatecustard · 18/03/2018 20:52

I do and I wish I hadn’t.

endofthelinefinally · 18/03/2018 20:53

I didnt see my son. I didnt want to be haunted by that image for the rest of my life.
I have a beautiful photograph of him looking well and happy. I look at that every day.

Musicaltheatremum · 18/03/2018 20:53

I was with my husband overnight as he died (6 years ago tomorrow morning) I went to see him with my children on the Thursday (22/3) and it was extremely hard but I have no regrets. It was a final goodbye before the funeral. Xx

Redglitter · 18/03/2018 20:55

I did and have never regretted it.tje undertakers had dressed him in his own clothes and he looked very peaceful. I think I'd have regretted it if I hadn't