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Original poster

Is my reading ok?

30 replies

expatmatt78 · 01/03/2018 03:21

So as per previous threads I have recently lost my father in law (step!) who I adored and was great pals with.
As they are overseas, DH is there now but unable to stay for funeral, so i am flying there for that to support DMIL.
They have asked me to speak, It is going to be hard. I wrote alot of really long stuff with detailed memories, Then I said to DH I would read something generic and he seemed like he really wanted me to say something personal and said i was there representing him and on behalf of DMIL. So i was ok to write something but had to keep it short as I know I will be emotional and want to make sure I can deliver it. Would like your feedback:

I am honoured to speak about my good friend X on behalf of MIL, her children DP and DSIL, her grandchildren, DN, DN, DC and DC and on behalf of BIL and myself to whom he was an unofficial father in law but mostly just our great friend.

I had started this by writing pages and pages of anecdotes about him and all the laughs we shared but those are for another time. It would take a lot of words and stories to express how special he was, so suffice to say that X was an entirely unique, smart, kind funny, thoughtful, irritating, talented man. I’ve never met anyone quite like him – and we all have our memories of him turning up in some crazy outfit, making up songs, or doing something for us that made us feel special.

DH once told me the thing that made him most happy was seeing how much X made his DM laugh and really it was obvious that that was his main aim in life.

To the four children, he was adored by them all and was a wondrous and constant source of fun, never tired of playing with them and let them all get away with murder – no wonder I never saw him stay up later than 8.30 after a day with the kids.

Family isn’t always blood. It’s the people in your life who want you in theirs, the ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to make you smile and who love you no matter what.

You never expect to be saying goodbye so I am eternally grateful that I told X how special he was to me, to (DH) and our children and that he was undoubtedly family to us. This wasn’t something he ever took for granted and MIL used to say he just loved being around us all. So I am happy I told him that we loved being around him too.

OP posts:
Cavender · 01/03/2018 03:24

I think that’s lovely.

I’m sorry for your loss. Flowers

LolitaLempicka · 01/03/2018 03:28

It’s really nice. But it is incredibly short, you will be up there for less than a minute. I think I would like to hear more personal stuff so it sounds like you really really knew him and really really really liked him. Sorry for your loss.

Arapaima · 01/03/2018 03:29

I do understand this will be hard for you and you don’t want to get over emotional. But I agree with DH that it could be a bit more personal. Couldn’t you include a couple of the anecdotes - not pages and pages of them, but just a couple - instead of saying they’re for another time? Surely this IS that time?

Also, personally I’d leave out the bit about blood not being important. I assume this is because he was a step dad? I wouldn’t emphasise that part of it myself. No one cares about blood etc these days!

Sorry for your loss Flowers

Original poster
expatmatt78 · 01/03/2018 03:32

@LolitaLempicka I've gone from one extreme to another - first version had a lot of specific stories and anecdotes!
I'm trying to find a balance between sharing memories and also considering being able to deliver it. I guess I hoped those in the room would know what I was saying without specifics! But I do have loads do u think I should share one or two ?

Like when we stayed for 2 weeks at Xmas he made my DS5 chicken nuggets and chips for breaky everyday brought to him on a tray in bed - cos to him why not ?!!
Or like how he was massively into music and I had already made a playlist for our upcoming car journey on holiday (which was supposed to be nxt week)
I just have so many !! He was a great guy

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Original poster
expatmatt78 · 01/03/2018 03:34

@Arapaima I guess I included that because when I told him only last year that we considered him our kids GP he was genuinely surprised and touched. He always seemed to feel he was lucky we included him even though he wasn't strictly family - to me that bit just expresses that. And he did used to say to DMIL that he was so happy to be around us - bearing in mind my DH and DSIL didn't grow up with him he was her partner after they left home

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Original poster
expatmatt78 · 01/03/2018 03:38

My favourite memory was only about 18 months ago- we went away with him and DMIL and though I'd known him over a decade this was really the first time he and i ended up thrown together one on one and had the most amazing chats and bonded like we hadn't before
When he left he took my face in his hands and told me "this is the trip I'll always remember as the time I fell in love with you"
I hope it doesn't sound creepy because it wasn't meant that way. I know what he meant - we saw each other in a new light that trip

And when we stayed with them he never let any of us leave the house even for a trip to the shops without a kiss and saying I love you

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Spartasprout · 01/03/2018 04:38

It doesn't sound at all creepy expat - he sounds like a very special man, and it's obvious what he meant.

My advice to you comes from my daughter, who wrote a eulogy for her much loved Auntie which she read out at her funeral. She said she practised reading it aloud over and over until she'd managed to work through the tears. On the day she did her proud, and was able to get through it from start to finish with composure.

Good luck, speak from the heart and it will all be fine

Original poster
expatmatt78 · 01/03/2018 04:43

Thanks @Spartasprout I think I will have to learn it and practise because on the day I won't have DH there for support either
I took some comments here on board and added a couple more things to my original

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Spartasprout · 01/03/2018 04:51

Don't worry about learning it by heart - just make sure it's typed up in a large font and at least double spaced so you can follow it easily, that's all my daughter did.

I love the stories you've told, how wonderfully he treated your DS to breakfast in bed every day. I also understand why you wrote your family isn't always blood section, which I would still leave in. I think what you've written is beautiful.

Whatever is in there is personal to you, not to anyone else, and is a tribute to the love you felt as a family to this lovely man.

Spartasprout · 01/03/2018 04:52

My daughter started hers with 'My Auntie was like marmite - you either loved her or hated her' which sounds totally inappropriate but it was true, and had everyone nodding along

Spartasprout · 01/03/2018 04:55

Posted by accident there!

had everyone nodding along in agreement, and laughing because they all knew it was true but they were there because they were in the love her camp. There's no wrong or right, none of us know your family so we don't know what's appropriate for your circumstances but so long as it's said with love and affection it's fine.

Original poster
expatmatt78 · 01/03/2018 05:01

Ha ha thanks @Spartasprout I'm annoyed I never got to tell him off about retraining my DS to the real world where is cereal or nothing ha ha ! He didn't care he wanted to spoil us all.
The marmite thing made me laugh - in my Original I wrote about how we never got to watch anything but his saved episodes of antiques roadshow and similar during which we'd be treated to running commentary and even if we got a film on he'd talk all the way through that too!
It's weird cos I only saw my DH be "fond" of him, happy his DM was happy and also irritated about the telly - I've been surprised by the depth of his own sadness. And touched by it too.
It's true about his DM she was always laughing even when infuriated and annoyed by him
We're worried how she will be now

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Original poster
expatmatt78 · 01/03/2018 05:09

I should probably say more about his outfits though as that was a huge thing with him - he was an enormously tall man and also loved boot fairs and he'd buy any random thing that fitted him - so we've been getting ready to go out for dinner and he's appeared in things like a fill marines uniform, Arab robes, all sorts of weird things. We all didn't care and laughed at his embarrassing antics. We'd usually say things like" well you look a bit like a rabbi with the hat as well as the waistcoat so maybe pick one or the other" it was ridiculous and funny and normal.
I suggested to MIL when she had to pick his burial clothes that we pick one of his costumes so we did and I love that - god knows what the funeral director will think !

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Spartasprout · 01/03/2018 05:11

You should put that in about the antiques roadshow - it's a great anecdote, little flashes of things that explain his personality that everyone will understand.

Have you kept your first draft? Why not try reading it - record yourself so you can listen to it once you've finished, it really helps you to see if you're speaking too fast and will give you timings. Do the same with both, and you'll then have an idea of how many words you need in your final version for it to be just right.

Your poor DH may well have been unaware of the depth of his feelings until after losing your DFIL, and all you can do is be there for DMIL. Talking about someone is the best way through, even though it can be painful at first. I hope everything goes well.

Spartasprout · 01/03/2018 05:22

and the outfits! They're wonderful stories Expat

LolitaLempicka · 01/03/2018 05:46

Tell all those stories OP, it shows what a character he was and how much he meant to you all.

langkaw · 01/03/2018 05:58

This is lovely. I'm very grateful for this thread as I am reading a eulogy next week at my best friends funeral so the advice is very helpful. I feel incredibly anxious about holding it together!

Original poster
expatmatt78 · 01/03/2018 06:17

Thank you all. I do have my first draft but it is very detailed and each anecdote is long so I agree I should share some of them i need to find ones I can say in short or ones I can just allude too that everyone will get.
Thank you. With DH away I've been remembering all these funny things and had no outlet for them.

He was a v talented musician and always had guitars around and would pick them up and make up songs on the spot. For some reason at Xmas it was the first and only time I filmed him doing it - so glad I did!!

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Original poster
expatmatt78 · 01/03/2018 06:19

@langkaw I'm sorry for your loss
Have you written anything yet?
Because I didn't really set out to write a eulogy I just sent my own DM an email about why I was so sad which turned into a long email about all the funny things I kept remembering as I wrote it
Just putting it down I kept remembering things and it was cathartic in a way
So now I'm asked to speak I'm working with that as a starting point - but also don't want to share only MY stories if that makes sense

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langkaw · 01/03/2018 07:06

Yes I have. It was really cathartic! She was very very funny and clever and I talk mainly about the things she loved and laughed at. I'm worried some of it might be a bit inappropriate: because she was!

I also include a bit at the end about how she felt about her death and what she said to me about it just before she died. She had come to terms with it. This is the part I'm going to find really hard to read.

UnaOfStormhold · 01/03/2018 07:29

Could you have some anecdotes written and prepared so that you can slot them in to your short version if you feel up to it on the day? I'd be inclined to leave out the blood family bit purely because you're speaking on behalf of the other family members.

picklemepopcorn · 01/03/2018 08:13

I did this recently. I included a story that showed his wicked humour, and one about a passion of his- a new Car we had.

I included a memory my sister had, so it wasn't all about me. Ask MIL and DH what TheY remember or value most.

I included stories that demonstrated his character- determined, mischievous, competitive...

Original poster
expatmatt78 · 04/03/2018 03:16

langkaw I'm sorry for your loss and sending best wishes for her funeral and your reading. Sounds like she was pretty unique and funny - make sure you tell all the most inappropriate stories about her as you know she'd do the same for you xx

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Original poster
expatmatt78 · 04/03/2018 03:17

Thanks pickle I do feel I want to include things from dh and dsil as they are too raw to talk themselves but I don't want to speak just for myself !! I'm pretty sure all the things he did that drove me mad were true for us all ha ha

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Original poster
expatmatt78 · 04/03/2018 03:18

langkaw if you want pls let us know how it goes and I'd love to read your tribute to your friend as it sounds like you were very close xx

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