Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Not sure what to do at Mother In Laws Funeral

31 replies

Loveagoodbook · 24/12/2017 20:43

Ive had an awful year, lost my Mum who was only 62 a year ago then both of my Nans this year too.
Now my Mother in Law has passed away a couple of days ago after a short illness.
I feel sad for my children and husband, im ok, think i have my own personal grief going on.
My OH has asked if the funeral can go from our house, which im ok about, now his sister in law has said that i have to make teas for all the guests, she says there will be loads, as everyone will turn up at the house. All the funerals in the past i have been to, it has just been close family.
Now i have had the panic that my OH's ex will turn up, she has been really awful to me in the past. Its making me ill and panic with the thought at it. I just dont know what to do, i feel its wrong if i turn round and say we arent going from here, but on the other hand i cant cope with her coming into my house.

OP posts:

FiveGoMadInDorset · 24/12/2017 20:46

Agree to go from your house if it is just family, but I would find a local hotel/pub who would do a tea after the funeral. To be honest I have never known a large gathering at someone's house before the funeral only after

Sorry for your loss

ReinettePompadour · 24/12/2017 20:50

Find a pub/hotel for the Wake. They are usually only at someones house if theres a really small gathering or the house is huge and caterers can come in.

Pubs dont usually charge for the use of the room/building and can often provide a buffet at cost price or cheaply in any case.

WeAllHaveWings · 24/12/2017 20:50

I’ve never been to a funeral where anyone was invited into the house before, other than those in the funeral cars.

NoStraightEdges · 24/12/2017 20:54

Phone to he nearest pub to either your house or the cemetery/crem and phone then and see if they have a room and if it's available on the day.

Just because the cars leave from yours doesn't mean you have to hold the wake at your home.

GreenTulips · 24/12/2017 20:58

I wouldn't go to the house before unless close family

I think you're over thinking it a bit unless SIL has invited people?

Weezol · 24/12/2017 21:03

You do not 'have to' do the funeral tea - that's outrageous. If I read the OP correctly, your husband's brother's wife needs to back off or host it herself if it's that important to her.

As PP have said, local pubs and hotels are the usual these days, even in my traditional Irish Catholic family. The Funeral Director is often able to advise and may have a standing arrangement with local venues.
I'm sorry you're having such a rotten year and I hope 2018 is kinder to you and yours

Original poster

Loveagoodbook · 24/12/2017 21:17

Sorry i didnt mean a buffet, that is at a local hotel, its cups of tea, which i have never done before! In my own family we have just gathered at the house, with just people going in the funeral cars and really close family following, so no more than 20 people.
She is saying there will be loads of people, i think its letting me OH's ex in that is stressing me out, as she has been awful to me in the past

OP posts:

wiltingfast · 24/12/2017 21:26

If the funeral is "going" from your house I'd read that as removal and close family only , ie before the actual ceremony.

After the ceremony needs a different arrangement.

wiltingfast · 24/12/2017 21:28

Is the extended family v big? What time is the funeral ceremony?

Original poster

Loveagoodbook · 24/12/2017 21:28

Yes that my family have always done, but SIL says that once my door is open to a funeral anyone can turn up!

OP posts:

Weezol · 24/12/2017 21:30

Tell her when HER door is open, that can happen, otherwise she can butt out.

Crispbutty · 24/12/2017 21:33

Family may go from your house but usually all other people will meet at the service and then go to the hotel for refreshments afterwards

untoldstories · 24/12/2017 21:35

The ex can turn up to a funeral, that much is true but she can't just come round to your house afterwards.
I'd have a small do at a local hotel, let them do all the teas and cake and sandwiches, tell them how many it's for and pay them.
But she can't just come round to yours if she's not welcome and it sounds like she certainly is not welcome.

Gemini69 · 24/12/2017 21:36

Tell your SIL to do it then...

Fishfingersandwichnocheese · 24/12/2017 21:37

Just say no. Close family only at your house.

redexpat · 24/12/2017 21:40

No that doesnt work for us.

redexpat · 24/12/2017 21:41

Posted too soon. What a year youve had. I hope 2018 is better for you and your family

Original poster

Loveagoodbook · 24/12/2017 21:50

Thank you all, its hard enough seeing my 8 year old going to the funeral of her 4th Nanna without all the added pressure of thinking loads of people are going to.desend on my home!!

OP posts:

AdaColeman · 24/12/2017 22:02

Tell your SIL she had better arrange the whole thing because you won't be doing teas or whatever else she hopes you will do.

Have a word with the funeral director about your worries and ask his advice as to what to do. They are wonderful at balancing all the different groups and their expectations, because they do it every day.

The funeral director will come up with wording for the notice so that you don't get people arriving at the house.

Sparkletastic · 24/12/2017 22:06

No.
Local pub or invitations only to private wake at your home.
Or your SIL hosts since she's got such strong opinions.

PersianCatLady · 24/12/2017 22:11

Are you sure that your SIL isn't getting confused?

Viviennemary · 24/12/2017 22:16

Fair enough to allow funeral from your house. And it's usually only close family by prior arrangement. If you're not up to hosting loads of people have it in a local hotel or pub. They are quite used to doing this type of catering. If your sil doesn't want that then she can host it herself.

Original poster

Loveagoodbook · 25/12/2017 09:55

Hi everyone thanks for your replys, its not the wake at my house, just beforehand.
I just have to hope that lots of people dont turn up, especially the ex, think it may slightly dampen my xmas

OP posts:

Hulder · 25/12/2017 10:06

Second the advice to ask the funeral director.

I would expect most people to turn up to the venue, not your house and I'd make sure that you and the funeral director are instructing them to do so. It's usually only family that actually go from the house - you can tell your SIL this as can your DH.

IJoinedJustToPostThis · 25/12/2017 10:22

In terms of making teas, you could have a table out with teabags, tea spoons, sugar and milk and mugs out (and biscuits and a place to put the used tea bags). People can make their own, then, and all you would have to do would be boil the kettle.

Obviously I don't know your SIL, but it sounds to me like she herself is (understandably) anxious about the funeral and kind of passing that anxiety on to you. I suspect she is overestimating how many people will come to your house - the only time I've ever been to the house beforehand was when riding in a funeral car. Otherwise people go direct to the church/crematorium - usually the info states "service at 11 a.m. at X place, meet 15 minutes earlier by the West door, wake to follow at Y pub function room", or similar.

I'm not sure how likely it is the ex will show up at your house either. If she starts, a phrase like "Today is supposed to be about MIL" might help shut her down.

I'm sorry for your losses.

Flip

1 2