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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Four months on from death of a parent. Struggling.

37 replies

Shinygoldbauble · 09/12/2017 00:43

I lost my lovely dad 4 months ago after a long period of illness.
It was soul destroying to watch. He fought bravely and really wasn't ready to go.
I have good days and bad days but find I am more teary lately.
It's the realisation that this really is it. He isn't ever coming back.
I went through a serious bout of depression several years ago and I'm wondering if I am ok, is it just normal grief?
The lead up to Christmas is difficult. It's hard to be enthusiastic.
Just wondering if anyone else is feeling the same?

OP posts:
TroubledTribble28 · 09/12/2017 00:47

My dad died in September, he dropped dead whilst he was in excellent health, he was 54 and not ready. I am still raw with the grief, four months isn't a long time at all my lovely. This time of year does make it particularly hard. I'm not in a good place with how I'm feeling so can't offer any good advice but I wanted you to know you aren't alone. Brew for you and Brew for your dad. X

Original poster
Shinygoldbauble · 09/12/2017 00:50

Thanks Tribble. So sorry for your loss. Your dad was so young. It seems so unfair.

OP posts:
TracyBeakerSoYeah · 09/12/2017 01:02

Unfortunately 4 months isn't really that long.
Just remember that time allows you to live with it and to think about the person without having that automatic thump to the heart.
Try to remember that although your Dad isn't here in person, his DNA runs through so he will always be here for you, if you know what I mean

Jubejube1 · 09/12/2017 01:08

Not long. You’re grieving & yes probably depressed quite naturally. Be kind to yourself it will change with time. I’m very sorry you are feeling so low.

ineedaholidaynow · 09/12/2017 01:24

OP my DF died 2 months ago and the last 2 weeks have been particularly tough for me. Like you I think it is partly down to the realisation that this is it and partly down to the run up to Christmas.

Songs seem to set me off, particularly Christmas ones. I am sure I am going to be a complete wreck at DS's carol service next week. The songs don't even have to have a link to my DF I just hear a certain lyric and the tears start flowing Sad

I am so sorry that you are going through this too Flowers

Original poster
Shinygoldbauble · 09/12/2017 01:43

Thanks everyone.
[Flowers] for you too Ineed. Two months is no time at all.
I'm also dreading our school Carol service. My dad loved Christmas.

OP posts:
OverwhelminglyCrap · 09/12/2017 02:09

Four months since my beloved Mum died and it's getting worse at the moment.

The realisation that this is final started hitting about a month ago, and the shock regularly hits me - that horrible, sudden 'She's gone' thump that comes from nowhere and floors me.

I take comfort in knowing that everyone grieves deeply at some point, and yet they carry on and are happy again. If they can, so will we.

But for now, it hurts. Unimaginably so.

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 09/12/2017 02:21

It will do, the first & second Christmas's, birthday's, anniversaries etc are the worst.
Eventually the thump becomes a shove and then a gentle bump but you do get days even 20 years later that catch your breath & fill your eyes.
It's hard & it's horrible but always remember you are made from your parents (whether it's biology or/& love.)
There will be a time when you'll think about them without feeling pain, feeling just love, happiness & a a bit of wistfulness (apart from that odd time mentioned above.)
Very unmumsnetty I know but sending you all my love & a big hug.

Mediumred · 09/12/2017 02:25

Be very kind to yourself, just putting one foot in front of the other is a huge achievement, sure your dad would be so proud of how you are coping.

I am more than four years on from losing my amazing mum now, and the grief is less raw. Even now I don't really know what to say to others going through the same, the sadness can't be analysed or explained away, it just has to be endured.

A friend who had been depressed previously did feel she had a relapse after her dad died so just keep an eye on yourself and if you feel you are slipping back you could see your gp who might be able to identify which feelings are 'normal' grief or a sign of something more.

Sorry, probably not very helpful but just to reiterate my first point, be very kind and easy on yourself. Xx

user1497997754 · 09/12/2017 06:06

Look after yourself eat properly, get decent sleep, go for nice walks my dad has been dead for 8 years now and I still have times where I think of him and just can't stop the crying it just happens....esp Christmas he so loved it....always used to sing after a few drinks Have yourself a merry little Christmas....this song is totally my dad...I miss him so much...

ButchyRestingFace · 09/12/2017 16:07

I'm going away for xmas, - Portugal!

My mum dropped dead earlier this year and I really can't face doing Christmas at all. So just going load up the kindle, fly off to the sun and lie on the beach letting this year's festivities wash over the top of me.

Spadequeen · 09/12/2017 16:11

My Dad died 6 months ago. Very suddenly, out of the blue. I wish I could say it gets easier but the last couple of weeks have been awful. Maybe I’m just realising he’s gone, I don’t know but like you I get bad days and better days.

I think you need to allow yourself to have those bad days, try not to bottle it up. Christmas is bound to be tough

Everyone reassures me it’s early days and it does get better.

CPtart · 09/12/2017 16:18

My DM was killed in a car accident last year aged 69. I'd already lost my DF some years ago aged 54. The Dc are teens and xmas is no longer as magical though I do make the effort.
It's hard, but a bit less hard than last year.

Timeforachange68 · 09/12/2017 21:41

A lot of us in the same boat shiny not that it's any consolation
My mum died almost 4 months ago & I think I've had more tearful moments over the last few weeks than in the last couple of months, I definitely think the Christmas season is hard to contemplate when a loved one is missing. Christmas songs have definitely made me cry, 1 particular meltdown whilst putting up my decorations

I think what I'm trying to say is what you're feeling seems perfectly normal to me

Hotpinkangel19 · 09/12/2017 21:54

Me ☹️ My mum and Dad both died this year, Mum in June and then Dad in August. I'm just heartbroken and I miss them so much xx

MyGuideJools · 09/12/2017 22:51

Flowers to you all. I lost my dad 3 months ago. Some days I think I'm doing alright, then another day I cry on and off all day. Yesterday I got the Xmas tree out. Dad loved Xmas and I figured he would want us to celebrate.
That was so emotional, realising that when I put the tree away in January dad was alive and well. And also Ed Sheeran 'supermarket flowers' was playing. The lyrics are so lovely. I was a mess!
So, op 4 months is so soon. We are allowed to still be upset, I think the first year is going to be extremely hard.

spidereye · 09/12/2017 23:21

Sorry to all, I lost my beloved dad to a sudden illness in June. It's such a painful time, we are also going away as I can't bear to be in the house where we all spent Christmas last year

Original poster
Shinygoldbauble · 10/12/2017 00:50

Thanks everyone. I got caught up in some Christmas activities with the kids today and i got through it ok. It was nice to have some respite from my emotions for a few hours.

OP posts:
EachandEveryone · 10/12/2017 01:05

Its been four weeks for me. It was a strange one because theyd been divorced for 15 years and he basically just showed up like nothing had happened and we all acted like nothing has happened! I was daddys girl again. I kick myself for not seeing him that last weekend i thought he had months left.

He's currently sailing around the carribean with my brother whos going to free him to the wind any day now. Theres not been a day when i havent shedded a tear for what could've been but he totally lived his life how he wanted.

Cheers to us all this Christmas Wine i know how you all feel xx

Newmanwannabe · 10/12/2017 02:18

I'm sorry for your loss, especially at this time of year. The pain doesn't go away, but you will, in your time, learn to live with it Flowers

whatisforteamum · 10/12/2017 06:46

Same here 3 months tomorrow.TBH l feel lucky I'm working 13 hour days and all over Xmas not by choice but I do avoid the sad music etc.when I'm alone I do look at my memory box and cry.I do have a special bauble for the tree.Love to you all with your recent losses.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 12/12/2017 22:05

It’s nearly 3 months since my darling Mum died and one minute I’m OK and the next minute it hits me. I’m dreading Christmas, although I’m trying to be enthusiastic as Mum loved Christmas but I feel as though I’m going through the motions.

Un-Mumsnetty hugs to everyone else going through this Flowers

MyGuideJools · 12/12/2017 22:26

pink I know what you mean. My dad loved Xmas and he'd be busy organising and shopping by now. So, I'm trying to be enthusiastic for his memory but it's just not the same. Today was hard for some reason, I've had a few tears quietly today. It's 3 months but feels like eternity Sad

Original poster
Shinygoldbauble · 12/12/2017 22:58

Flowers Thinking of you all.

OP posts:
mollyt · 16/12/2017 10:07

OP I think what you're feeling is completely normal. I lost my dad in the summer this year and have days and weeks where I feel absolutely wretched.Just broken and still so shocked. IVe had a couple of sessions with a counsellor to discuss the enormity of it and the impact it has on so many areas of life which has helped a bit. OUr Christmas will have a big dad shaped hole in it but I'm hoping there will be some joy in there too. Lots of love to you and all the others on here.its sooo tough and I think you need to go through it to understand how it feels to lose a parent.xxx