Moments that catch you out. I wish I had my Mum back

[LazySusan11]

Today the JL Christmas advert came out, Mum and I would have watched it, I’d have called her we would have said if we liked it had a few giggles and talked about Christmas and our plans. I tried to avoid this advert I’m trying to avoid the whole of Christmas but all the talk and then it being everywhere has snuck up on me and unexpectedly floored me.

I miss Mum so much, day to day I’m ok I have a few days every few weeks now where I am very upset, but today I feel devastated all over again. 1st Christmas without Mum and I am dreading it.

I found my 2016 Christmas card from my Mum in a box today. It has gone in my keepsake pile. Miss you so much Mum.

We are all lucky to have had such wonderful parents.

hello
I hope you don't mind me joining this conversation, i'm struggling a lot at the moment and don't really know where to turn to. I am further on as my mum passed away aged 54 on 23rd December 2014; it will be three years this Christmas.

It was a total shock and too much for me at 23 years old, happy and care free.

I was suddenly thrown into being the back bone of the family, taking over my mums role, caring for her elderly parents (my grandad has dementia) and trying to cope with the fact we couldn't save my mum (she passed away in her sleep, me and my dad found her and attempted CPR which was unsuccessful) ever since I put on this brave face and act like I'm ok and carry on living my life but in reality I'm not ok, I'm struggling, I miss my mum and me putting on a brave face isn't helping.

I thought I was doing ok but I've really been struggling the last few weeks.

Hjb2410 Sorry you're having such a rough time at the moment, sounds like you have a lot on your shoulders. You really need to take some time out and care for yourself for a while. Can you look at other help for your grandparents?

MyGuide we wouldn't have done anything different either, it just reinforces how quickly things change I suppose

Hjb you have so much to cope with my heart goes out to you, my mum was in her 70s & I still feel we lost her too soon 54 is no age

I lost my mum in May and I'm really struggling approaching Christmas. Saw a mum and daughter oohing over Christmas pyjamas in Marks the other day and could have cried all night. It's my birthday on Sunday and I'm struggling with it already. I miss my lovely, lovely mum desparately.

My dad died last year. Last Christmas was ok, but this one coming up seems harder. Sunk in more I suppose about all the little things. I can't look at a box of chocolate Brazils without thinking of him.

Sorry I just meant to agree and sympathise / commiserate with you. It's terrible

to us all, it's very dislocating - even if you didn't have the best of relationships.

That sounds terribly hard hjb. Have you ever had any counselling? (Says me who hasn't either but often thinks about it). I know what you mean about suddenly having changing roles but it sounds like you are taking on a hell of a lot on behalf of your mum.

foxy and lineys

I have issues with mums and daughters going together to pick DC up from school, that's the one that gets me

I meant to include after the names

Hjb, there’s a thread here for those of us that have lost a parent it’s a really supportive place if you haven’t already joined in.

I feel more human today, slightly jaded but doing ok. I really feel for everyone on here I’m so sorry for all your losses

I used to ring my Mum twice a day after Dad died and it became a habit for the rest of her life (she survived him by nearly 20 years).
Every lunchtime and after I had put dd to bed.
I would chat about the weather, or work, or something funny dd said that kind of thing. Or just to hear her voice.
After she died, Come lunchtime or just after dd has gone to bed, it would feel like something big was missing from my routine. For ages If there was some “interesting weather” (of course it’s not that interesting), I would always start to say to myself “oh, I must tell ....”
It’s a little better now. But not much.

I had my 40th Birthday this week, seeing my birthday card signed only from dad amongst other things has left me feeling as if I'm in shock all over again. I feel so so sad at the moment I don't need to explain how much I miss Mum, you will all relate I'm sure. I feel so empty and the nagging ache of missing Mum just won't subside.

Had a 'therapy' session yesterday, I hope they start to help because I feel wretched and very sorry for myself.

I recently celebrated a milestone birthday & my dad got me a lovely card and he'd bought me some beautiful jewellery which was totally unexpected-but I know what you mean about just seeing "Love from Dad" on the card. I had a good cry when everyone went home as my son had upset me & it felt so unfair that my mum wasn't there for my celebration

to both of you celebrating birthdays without your dear mums. My mum said she found it really hard writing Xmas cards today and not putting dad's name in there.
I'm feeling really sad today. I just really miss dad so much. Even tho I saw him every day, weekends seem to hit me worse.
DH is annoying me as I think he thinks I am 'suffocating' my mum. But I promised dad I would look after her, so I am.

Cards get me too. Recieving them with just dads name on, buying them with just to dad on the front. I just bought all our 'special' cards the other for xmas, and chose 'mum and dad' ones for dp's parents and moved along to the 'dad' ones for me. I had to take a deep breath and just do it. The worst is when I see my cousin. It's like looking in my mum's eyes. Same stubby eyelashes, same eyebrows, it's uncanny and I find it really hard to see her. She's no idea.

Thanks Jools I'm sorry you were struggling yesterday hope you're feeling better today.

My dad has been to buy his family cards today on his own which I was quite impressed by! He was also talking about writing his, which I think he will find upsetting as it was something they did together.

Got to say my dh has been brilliant through all this, he listens to me moaning & doesn't mind how much time we spend with my dad (or not) I do see my dad less now than I did in the early days but I ring him if I don't see him

Lots of hugs for you, its been 8 years since my mum passed away when I was 18 and it still gets me every now and then.

I am about to get married and never thought I would be doing this without my mum, she passed away when she was young and was a brilliant women.

When its not feeling as raw I would recommend a book called 'Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss' I read it recently and it helped me a lot. Obviously it may not be everyones cup of tea but just a thought.

It's awful. My mum is still here in body but Alzheimer's took her mind a few years back. I tell everyone I hate Xmas and how little I am doing for it but it's actually because she loved Xmas so much and it's just not the same without her.

Christmas can be so hard. It's not fair.

I'm so sorry to everyone struggling. It may sound meaningless platitude, but if you ever want somebody to listen, there are always people here.

The John Lewis advert hit me the year my mum died too. It was back in 2011, one of their first 'big' adverts I think, with a little boy really excited for Christmas until on Christmas morning, he got up early and rushed into his parents' room...to give them their present. I was 22, so far older, but it suddenly hit me that I would never get my mum another present.

Even now, 6 years later, there are occasional moments. A silly one recently: Seeing about the death of David Cassidy. He was my mum's teenage crush. A little part of me suddenly hoped that she would somehow 'see him live' now.