Moments that catch you out. I wish I had my Mum back

[LazySusan11]

Today the JL Christmas advert came out, Mum and I would have watched it, I’d have called her we would have said if we liked it had a few giggles and talked about Christmas and our plans. I tried to avoid this advert I’m trying to avoid the whole of Christmas but all the talk and then it being everywhere has snuck up on me and unexpectedly floored me.

I miss Mum so much, day to day I’m ok I have a few days every few weeks now where I am very upset, but today I feel devastated all over again. 1st Christmas without Mum and I am dreading it.

Not this year as I’m also working, I will get through it, yes it’ll be hard but I’m hoping in between the sad moments there are happy memories. We’re moving house early next year so next Christmas I might feel like following mums traditions. I also know what you mean about spring, Mum died in Feb..May was her favourite month and seeing all the flowers she loved popping up and her not being around to see it was hard.

I don’t really understand why we have to go through immeasurable grief and loss it feels so unfair and to be honest cruel.

I miss my mum so much. I never really got to spend an “adult” Christmas with her, she was always doing the tough stuff which of course back then I didn’t appreciate. I wish we could have done a Christmas dinner together, or the big shop or anything. I get on with life but losing my mum casts a shadow that no one who hasn’t been through it can understand. I try not to think about her because it is too painful but not sure that helps really. She was the best and I love her so much.

I guess in terms of the grief I'm a year or so further on so I am further towards 'getting used to it'/ acceptance ....

I see the grief as the price for having a mum that I really loved. I have friends/ acquaintances who have had shitty parents and I'm lucky to not have had that, bloody unlucky that my mum died too young yes but overall I was lucky to have her. Also over time it is what keeps her with me, I don't really want to go through a day without thinking about her and the pain of missing her is a part of that.

Sandy I’m really sorry for your suffering, I’m glad you also had a terrific Mum. I understand about not having her here casts a shadow over everything else. My life got very busy a few months after Mum died and even though it was a good busy it’s was all tinged with sadness as the person I would have had alongside me wasn’t there. How are you doing in general?

I get that about spring flowers too. Dad loved his garden and it broke his heart when he couldn't get out there anymore as he was too ill. He loved seeing old things growing again in spring. Mum is struggling trying to keep on top of the garden as she feels she has to for dad's sake. I think we need to have a rethink about how she's gonna manage it.
I feel as though I'm the one making all the decisions now instead of dad and that feels quite a responsibility 😣

I lost my dad 2 years ago on the 21st of November the run up to Christmas is so hard! I miss him everyday but some days are harder than others. Thinking of you and sending you love x

I agree with that increasingly. I also can’t read threads where people are complaining about their parent(s) of course not everyone has great families I’m not talking about those. It’s the general irritations that make me think one day you might regret moaning about her calling you too often/buying you something you didn’t like etc. I used to pooh pooh the whole ‘life is short’ philosophy but after Mum I do now see what’s important to me and not to get caught up in the petty irritations. Shame it took Mum dying to teach me that!

here’s to our lovely mums and dads

The little things are the big things. If we only knew at the time.

So sorry, it is so hard, I have had a few loses this year, and your right sometimes it just catches you, often when you least expect it. Have you got an understanding partner and friends? I don’t think I would have got through this year without mine. Try to think of the happy times, and speak to your mum, I believe in spirit so that helps me, it’s really tough I know, I will be glad to see the end of 2017. Look after yourself and don’t be afraid to release emotion when you feel if building. Wishing you all the best.

So sorry, op. Lost my Mum near last Christmas so I was just sort of sleep walking through it and focussing on making it fun for my dd. What really got to me was my birthday. My first without her.

It is very hard OP. My mum died 25 years ago. Her favourite Christmas song was "White Christmas" by Bing Crosby. Every time I hear it I think of her. Also my youngest son,who she never met, was born on her birthday. It was not his due date so we like to think that she sent him on that day. You will never forget her but it will get easier

Shhhfastasleep I agree totally re: my first birthday and I didn't see that one coming either tbh :/

Ah thank you LazySusan like you, I am fine in general, busy life, lots of smiles etc. I always say, she was worth missing but I hope when I go my kids don’t feel the pain I do on losing my mum. Maybe I shouldn’t be so nice to them
to everyone who is going through the same.
I will be watching the John Lewis advert with a new perspective OP (even with that bloody monster who just makes me want to eat pickled onion crisps to be honest!!). Hope you all have a peaceful Christmas xx

grief as the price for having a mum that I really love. Thank you, increasinglymiddleaged, that is a good way to think about people we have loved Seven years ago today, we got the phone call in the middle of the night to say it was all over for my dear father. Initially I kept busy with arrangements, so my first 'moment' was seeing the first, forced rhubarb come into the shops. He loved it and it had always been my pleasure to get him the very first i saw.

Cue middle aged lady sobbing heart out in Waitrose's fruit and veg aisle.

Don't know whether it would help you to know about others, but we, the lucky ones who have loved, have all been through something like this, even if feels different for each of us. I think the pain is always there, though with time the edge seems to be softened, not just so sharp. All the best.

I'm so sorry
I lost my dad a few years ago. Completely unexpected. It was too soon for him to die, he was in his 50's and was a total shock, devastated the family. It's not raw anymore and the shock has worn off but the sadness and deep sinking feeling in my stomach is still there. The moments that catch me out are sharing good news. Ds just started uni against all the odds and my god he would have been soooooo proud. First person in our family to go to uni also he has special needs so this was a really proud moment. I wanted to call my dad so badly. Gosh it's just hard isn't it. I find Christmas magnifies things too. Especially sadness. Time does help. Bereavement can not be rushed. I remember having conversations in my head along the lines of ok I know he's gone. I accept it. I just want to feel normal and ok again. But life is just different now.

One of my male work colleagues made a really inappropriate comment towards me yesterday, today I have sat and sobbed I feel so sensitive (not that his comment would have been appropriate anyway) but it shows just how fragile I’ve been feeling these past few days. Wish I could sleep through the next 3 months.

Lazy, please have a word with your doctor. The grief is overpowering you. Trust me. I know it. I feel it. Sometimes I miss my Dad and now my Mum so much it is horrible.
But you need to find a way through. This time of year can be shite but so can any time of year.

Thanks shhh, I am ok I just have a few awful days every few weeks.

If it helps you to post on MN, please do.

I have just started counselling and am finding it amazing. I did have some through Cruse just after losing mum but think it was too soon really.
This time it is really helping me to adjust.

Sometimes these bloody firsts feel relentless

They do indeed and I'm so very sorry for the loss of your lovely mum Please believe me, though, that however impossible it seems now, there'll come a time when these anniversaries just trigger happy memories of your time together rather than overwhelming grief - which is surely what she'd have wanted

Oddly enough it's only Mothers' Day which really gets to me now, especially when I hear folk moan about the price of flowers, etc. I just want to shout "get her the best ones, you fool ... only too soon you won't be able to buy her anything"

Whoever said the small things are the big things is so right - I look at the photos from last Christmas & think if only we'd known it was the last time we'd celebrate with my dm, it's heartbreaking

Am in the same boat- lost my mum in April.

Have had DD2's birthday & my 40th since- agree with others that the first birthday without your mum is incredibly hard. Have DD1's birthday and Christmas to go now, am finding it really tough. Can't even contemplate watching the Snowman.

Then April will come around again- mum died the day after her birthday so that's going to be a real double-whammy.

It does feel relentless- but each first is one ticked off. One foot in front of the other and we'll get there

timeforachange I feel exactly the same, I looked at last year's Xmas photos on my phone. We had no idea then that dad would be gone in 9 months, he didn't even have a diagnosis then! He made the gravy, played the games, did the washing up like every other year.
But what would we have done differently if we had known it was his last?
Thinking about it, dad wouldn't have wanted to know. He would have hated the fuss.
Oh I don't know,! He's not here this Xmas and that makes me incredibly sad.💔

It doesn’t get easier but you get better at it. This is probably the only phrase that has helped me.