Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

feeling so desperately sad for my df

31 replies

mamatres · 15/04/2007 18:34

who i heard from today, she is 36 weeks pregnant and found out yesterday her baby has died. she has to be induced tomorrow and deliver normally though she did ask if she could have cs and they said its best not to. just feel so gutted for her, it never occured to me this happens at such a late stage so close to being full term. her bags were packed, nursery all ready, cot all made up. its so so sad that she will have to go through all labour, birth and then the funeral of her darling baby who she will never really have. how do people get through this? what the hell causes this to happen? no idea how i would cope.

OP posts:

TheArmadillo · 15/04/2007 18:35

That must be one of the most horrible things ot go throuhg

I don;t think that there are any answers as to why.

Poor woman.

Greenleeves · 15/04/2007 18:36

Oh, shit

I wouldn't know what to say or do either, but if it was my friend I think I would try and just 'be there', and probably say "I'm not sure what to do to help you, I'd like to be here for you, and if you want to talk I'm listening, but if you want me to give you some space that's fine too" or something like that. I've heard bereaved people say that friends almost shun them because of not knowing what to say, so I would try not to do that even if it meant looking like a muppet.

Your poor friend, how unimaginably awful for her.

JoanCrawford · 15/04/2007 18:38

How terrible.. I'm at a loss as to what to say. I just feel so awfully sad for her.

lulumama · 15/04/2007 18:39

SANDS

how devastating, i cannot imagine anything worse, your poor poor friend and her DH.....

i have no idea how you move on from such a thing, no doubt you do eventually, but how awful, so against the natural order of things

shonaspurtle · 15/04/2007 18:44

This is heartbreaking.

jules99 · 15/04/2007 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LucyJones · 15/04/2007 18:46

This happened to one of my BF, at term. I just tried to be there for her, sent her emails and etxts offering support, arranged to meet up with her, listened to her talk about what had happened 9I let her lead the way because I had no idea if she'd want to talk about it). We cried together once after a few bottles of wine. She still talks openly about the bay she lost and now has a 4 month old so there is hope.

Original poster

mamatres · 15/04/2007 18:48

thanks all. she seems to be taking it rather too well at the moment so obv still in deep deep shock. i almost think it would be better if she had a to wait a little longer to be induced to try and come to terms with it a bit more (if you ever do) before it happens iyswim. i di think she may post herself later, i know she always 'looks' at MN but not sure if shes ever posted. may suggest it to her at a later date.

OP posts:

Greenleeves · 15/04/2007 21:40

That poor poor woman, I keep thinking about her

Thank god she has good friends mamatres, I'm sure she'll need them.

Original poster

mamatres · 16/04/2007 08:49

well, she has gone in now to be induced . thought about it all last night, in between clearing up child vomit (house of germs at the moment).
she has simply LOADS of friends because she is soooo lovely- shes one of these people you want to find something wrong with because shes perfect in every way iykwim. noone deserves this to happen to them, but especially her. she is dd's godmother, and a brilliant one at that. i hope she soon gets to choose someone to be godmother to her beautiful baby.

OP posts:

AnAngelWithin · 16/04/2007 08:56

that is so sad.

SPARKLEO · 16/04/2007 10:35

Hi
A good friend of mine lost her son at 24 weeks, 6 weeks ago today. It's so hard to know what to say and you know deep down that nothing can help them, but she has told me that the best thing i done was talk about her son and let her talk about him constantly.
She also seemed to be doing quite well for the first 4 weeks or so but once the shock had worn off she is now finding things very difficult. I think this is the time to make sure that your friend knows you still think of her baby and maybe encourage her to create memorials for him/her. I think it's important that families feel that their babies did exist even if they never had the chance to take a breath.
I bought my friend a photo frame with a moulding kit (for baby's footprint). Photo's will be the only thing your friend has to keep so i think it is a nice gift.
Lastly, i think that although your friend obviously will be devastated that her baby has died, she will still need congratulating in the fact that she was the best mummy possible for the sadly short time she was.
I hope this is of some little help to you. Im sure your friend will get great comfort from knowing that she has people around her to help her through this awful time.

xxx

Original poster

mamatres · 16/04/2007 11:29

thanks sparkle. thats a great help. normally i'm so rubbish when it comes to things like this where people are upset that i am determined to be there for her no matter what. she text me this morning saying she just wantsto get through next 2 days. i feel the hardest bit will be to come. i have another very good friend due next week and am dreading her asking me how xxxx is as i will have to lie and say i dont know- am rubbish at lying- but know thats not the news you would ever ever want to heear when your due at the same time as someone. though i did call her this morning to check she was well and baby moving lots. she prob thought i was a bit weird.
how long will midwives let her have baby for? will there be a 'proper' funeral? dear god i hope there wont have to be an autopsy. there wont will ther?

OP posts:

ValnBen · 16/04/2007 11:55

Hi mamatres,

6 years ago yesterday I found out my darling first baby ? a boy - had died in my womb. I was 33 wks pg.

6 years ago today, I gave birth to him-(Alex). Induced vag birth.

All I can say is that SPARKLEO?s post rang out for me. That?s exactly how I wanted to be treat ? allowed to talk about my son (as my son and NOT as the baby I lost IFSWIM). Didn?t want people to get embarrassed when I spoke about or cried about him. I the main, this happened.
My best friend was pg at the same time ? 7 weeks ahead of me and I too worried about her finding out ?as you say, not the thing you want to hear about when your this close to having your baby.
She fully understood when I did tell her ? about 3 days after.

Your friend will be allowed as much time as she wants with her baby ? or none if she decides not to.
Someone I know who lost her full term baby was even allowed to take him home the morning of his funeral to wash and dress him herself.

There doesn?t have to be a PM ? they will be asked of course, but they do not have to give consent.
I did, in the hope of finding out why Alex died. Unfortunately no answers were given.
(although when I had my 2nd child who tested positive for Neutrophoenia (sp?) it transpired that I have a very rare blood condition and may have been a reason why Alex died ? seems my white blood cells can cross the placenta killing the babies white cells)

Your friend will be offered a funeral. Paid for by the NHS ? Usually a cremation is offered FOC ? I think there is a small charge for a burial though.
They can make it as ?proper? or not as they like.

I decided I could not cope with other people at Alex?s funeral ? very selfish I know, but at the time I wanted to grieve for my lost child ? his lost life ? our lost future?I didn?t want to have to be ?brave? for others or comfort others IYSWIM?we just had Alex, mummy, daddy and the pastor (or what ever he was)- He sat with us in the pew and gave a very sensitive ceremony for us.
Alex was cremated but we were told there would be no ashes ? bones too small apparently.

I hope your friend find the strength she needs to get through this ? there is light at the end of the tunnel, but you have to find it for yourself. You just need a little support from good friends like yourself to get there?.especially in about 6 weeks time ? most people think your ?over it? by then and tend to drift, but in reality things have only just started to fully sink in at that time?.hormone stuff going on too.

Happy to talk to you or her if it will help.

Take care.

Original poster

mamatres · 16/04/2007 17:43

Hi ValnBeln

so so for you and the loss of little Alex. thank you so much for sharing your story. it was heartwrenching to read but answered many questions. i may get back to you if we need to. many many thanks

OP posts:

Pinkchampagne · 16/04/2007 17:48

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend, mamatres.

ValnBen · 16/04/2007 18:48

Any time mamatres ? CAT or email me at val_anderson2 at hotmail(dot)com

I like to think there must have been a reason why I was not allowed to keep Alex ? I think first and foremost that that reason was to give me the son I now have ? (I would not have him if Alex had survived).

But, I am also happy to believe that it happened to me so I can offer some degree of help to others too?

I really hope your friend is coping as well as can be in such difficult times ? I expect she has had the baby now?

It is so, so sad to hear of any baby not making it. I really do feel for you and your friend and far too many others out there.

My deepest sympathy to you all.

jules99 · 16/04/2007 19:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ValnBen · 16/04/2007 19:57

Jules99 ? yes, it was a very difficult thread to read on today of all days , but I couldn?t read and not offer anything, both to the poor woman concerned or the wonderful OP who obviously cares very much about her friend.
I can see from the other side that it must be such a difficult place to be ? not knowing what to do for the best.
I can only offer my insight to how I felt at the time.

One bit I missed off my original post re the funeral that may be worth pointing out.....
I was very shocked to arrive at the crematorium to see the tiny, tiny coffin. Not so much its size that shocked but the fact that I had expected it to be white and it wasn?t ? just your standard ?wood? coffin?It never occured to me that it would not be a white one.
Perhaps if I?d been warned I would have had the chance to pay for a white one???

jules99 · 16/04/2007 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ValnBen · 16/04/2007 20:38

Oh Jules ? I am so sorry for you too. Any lost baby is so very, very unfair and sad.
So sorry to have brought these feelings up for you too.

Please contact me if you want to discuss this ?off line? ? more than happy if this is what you want. (But, don?t worry if this is not the way for you IYSWIM)

I will say a prayer for your 2 lost futures along with mine tonight too?

Love and best wishes?Val XX

jules99 · 16/04/2007 21:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ValnBen · 16/04/2007 22:03

Know where you?re at Jules ? you know where to find me if you want ? and that is an honest statement ? to you and anyone else who wants to take it up?..

HTH

XXX

jules99 · 16/04/2007 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hulababy · 16/04/2007 22:37

So sorry for your friend

Sadly these does happen and it is so cruel; so wrong. DH's grandad's stepgranddaughter had this happen at 41 weeks completely unexpectedly. So sad.

Flip

1 2