Should I visit my dad at the undertakers?

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My darling DF passed away, two weeks ago, after a horrendous battle with cancer. I was with him when he died and then saw him again the next day. His funeral is next week and I am not sure if I want to see him once more at the undertakers beforehand. I feel that it is such a personal thing and I am sure everyone will have different thoughts but I am worried that if I don’t see him I will always regret it. But, equally, I’m am really scared that it may be so hard to cope with and I am already having to be strong for everyone around me.

I'm glad you're satisfied with your decision, Retreat. It;s so important to feel you've done the right thing by your feelings. I saw my DH once at the funeral home, and while they did a good job, i.e. not orange, he did not look like himself. Actually he looked like Leonid Breshnev, and a bit annoyed.

I wish you and your family all the best in the difficult days.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Cancer sucks. I lost my dad a few years ago to this disease. Due to religion we had an open coffin funeral and dad looked like dad and more peaceful than the weeks prior when the cancer really gripped and he was in pain and hallucinating. So I found it helpful to see him at peace. It was upsetting and I actually finally acknowledged that I needed counselling some years after his death as those 6 months were very distressing.
Go with your gut. It’s a very private thing and what’s right for one family member might not be for another. Whatever your decision there should be no over thinking it afterwards - I mean, don’t punish yourself for whatever decision you make. It will have been the right one for you at this delicate moment in time.
I wish you the best for his funeral and your grieving journey. He obviously meant a lot to you and that means you were loved and so was he. That’s very special and something to cherish. Hugs to you.

I think it also counts whether the deceased person would have wanted to be viewed.

My DF would have hated it, and out of respect we didn’t organise it. A few years prior we did do it with granny, but with mixed success. My aunt put up such a hullabaloo about granny’s hair being styled incorrectly that the undertaker whipped out a comb, lifted her head and redid it there and then. Not a peaceful last image to take away.

These days I think that unless there’s a very strong reason to do it (religious,cultural, etc) it’s better to avoid it. Even without last minute restyling, the undertakers do a lot of faffing with the body in order to present it for viewing. I’d rather the ‘rest in peace’ started when they passed away. If it were done at home, by loving hands as a last act of service (as was normal until recently) I’d probably think differently.

Sorry for your loss.

I remember my mum asked me not to come see her after she's gone, when I was young. She did it with both her parents and regretted it.
My partner's dad died 2 years ago, fought cancer twice but the third time he could not. DP's mum went to see him at the undertakers and regretted it. DP declined to go. He was there at the end, and said he had a smile on his face when he went. He was finally free from pain.

I’m so truly sorry for your loss

My father passed away after a very long illness & was embalmed before my sisters & I went to see him over 2 weeks later.

I have mixed feelings on it really, I wanted to say goodbye & felt like I needed to see him for it to be real (you might find you won’t feel this way as you were with him when he passed I don’t know) but a lot of me regretted it, he didn’t look like himself, his skin was very red & almost purple he had gotten very big with the illness so this probably effected things (sorry if this is too much info but I would have a appreciated a heads up in hind sight) my grandfather who I also saw after he died didn’t look like this he was thin & white after suffering from cancer but did look at peace although we didn’t have to wait as long to see him that we did for my dad.

However it did help confirm he was gone as I saw him the night he died waving goodbye. For me I guess I needed it as the illness was a very long one & we had years of him being on the brink & then pulling through so I couldn’t almost believe it when it finally happened.

My sisters & I wanted to put a personal letter in the coffin each which we did but honestly part of me wishes I’d of given it to the undertaker to put in.

My advice is to go with your gut on the day you honestly won’t know really know, the undertakers will understand and as others have said ask the undertakers advice, they are very professional.

It has taken me a long time to remember my dad in a happy light but it would have probably taken me a while anyway regardless if I had saw him after or not.

I hope it goes ok for you. As you say it’s personal & don’t beat yourself up if you regret whatever decision you end up making you can only do what you feel is best for at the time. Thinking of you &
your family.