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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Should I visit my dad at the undertakers?

80 replies

Retreatbynameretreatbynature · 23/10/2017 20:05

My darling DF passed away, two weeks ago, after a horrendous battle with cancer. I was with him when he died and then saw him again the next day. His funeral is next week and I am not sure if I want to see him once more at the undertakers beforehand. I feel that it is such a personal thing and I am sure everyone will have different thoughts but I am worried that if I don’t see him I will always regret it. But, equally, I’m am really scared that it may be so hard to cope with and I am already having to be strong for everyone around me.

OP posts:

MotherofTerror · 23/10/2017 20:33

I went to see my dad, my brother didn't want to. Its a very personal decision. I kind of feel that someone should go, just to check that the person has been treated with dignity and that everything is ok. But if you don't want to then you shouldn't.

mineofuselessinformation · 23/10/2017 20:37

If you feel if would help you, it would be a good idea to ask the undertakers.
When my DF died, I chose not to see him, but my DB, who lives overseas wanted to. By the time he could get home (long story, not relevant), the undertakers advised that if he wanted to go, it would be a 'closed coffin' as they call it. DB went anyway, and spent some time, and is glad he did.
It's a very individual thing, but as pp have said, take someone with you if you go.

Rainshowers · 23/10/2017 20:38

I'm sorry for your loss.

It's a difficult decision. Prior to being in the situation I'd have said no. But my dad died in an accident and we had to identify his body in the hospital morgue so I wanted to see him at the undertakers because I didn't want that to be my last memory of him.
My brother on the other hand didn't see him after we'd identified him and he was happy with his decision.
Dad looked better dressed in his suit, with his hair brushed etc, but it still didn't really look like him...which could be distressing for some but it actually helped me process that he was gone. I wrote a letter which I put in his coffin, and my mum did the same. It was our way of saying things that we just didn't get a chance to say as it was such a sudden loss.

There was a very strong smelling candle burning in the room at the funeral directors and smelt it by accident in clintons the other day and it took me straight back there. But the room itself was peaceful and the funeral director (who was amazing) offered to stay with me if I was uncomfortable being on my own, and was ready with tissues when I came out. Definitely speak to whoever you've been dealing with there if you're undecided.

Floralnomad · 23/10/2017 20:38

I went and saw mine , it was a big mistake , in fact it was such a mistake that I went back the night before the funeral alone just to check it was as bad as I thought but was . That was an even bigger mistake and one I have not forgotten and he died just over 27 yrs ago . My middle sister declined to go and absolutely made the right decision .( she had still seen him dead as she and mum found him collapsed at home , I arrived just after the ambulance man had declared him dead) .

Rainshowers · 23/10/2017 20:39

Also, the day before the funeral the funeral director called and asked if we wanted her to cut a lock of hair (although dad didn't have much!). It was something I hadn't even thought about but she dropped off a little box a couple of days later and it's just nice to have something...

user1493413286 · 23/10/2017 20:40

I went to see my dad; I think I just wanted to see him one last time and found that he looked very peaceful compared to when he was ill and i felt in a positive way that the essence of him had moved on and that was ok.
My sister didn’t come and she doesn’t regret that.

TDHManchester · 23/10/2017 20:42

Yes i think you should. It gives final closure..

SweetChickadee · 23/10/2017 20:44

I saw my DF and it really upset me. I wish I hadn't.

MollysMummy2010 · 23/10/2017 20:46

I saw my mum as I made it to the hospice literally minutes after she died. Glad I did. Saw her again in funeral home and wish I hadn't. First time she was warm and still felt like my mum, second time she was a corpse and the woman who was my mother was so clearly gone after the undertakers had done their stuff.
I suppose it depends on if you feel like you have said goodbye already?
I went the second time as I wanted to put her rosary in her hand and didn't want anyone else to do it.
Sorry for your loss OP.

Floralnomad · 23/10/2017 20:47

Perhaps it's different if the person has died after a long illness and looked ill , my dad died suddenly of a heart attack at 51 and it was very unexpected , he hadn't been ill and was basically a good looking middle aged man . ( before he died )

Orangebird69 · 23/10/2017 20:48

I went to see my nephew. He died in a tragic accident. My dad thinks it should be done he was going to see him with my dbro so I went too. I thought it might help with the grieving process. It didn't. It gave me some comfort to see him looking so beautiful. I noticed for the first time (in his 22 years) what lovely long eyelashes he had. But it was hard. Couldn't turn around and look at him at first but once I did I didn't want to leave him. I'm still having problems processing his passing 9 months on but I don't regret seeing him.

It's such a personal thing and the problem is you won't know if it is what you should've done until you've done it iyswim. Best wishes to you

LaGattaNera · 23/10/2017 20:49

I saw my mum moments after she died in the hospice but did not see her at funeral home. My dad died in hospital but I wasn't there at the time and saw him at funeral home a few days later and am glad I did. I do think it makes a difference how long has elapsed since death when you see them. So sorry for your loss OP

MyCatMyRules · 23/10/2017 20:52

I went to see my dm and df and was glad I did.
When db died I was a bit apprehensive (same generation as me) but again I was glad I did. His disease had robbed him of everything. The undertakers had done a good job and he looked more like my db than the heart breaking cancer-ridden victim that he was when he died.
There's no right or wrong, OP. Go with your instincts, if you don't want to do it it's fine. Very sorry to hear of your loss - be kind to yourself

Itscurtainsforyou · 23/10/2017 20:53

So sorry OP.
I saw my (lovely) mother in law. She'd been dead less than 12 hours and was already discoloured - she definitely looked dead. I'm not sure if it helped to see her or not, but if you decide to see your dad bear in mind that he may not look as you remember.

My Nanna died of cancer and I planned to see her, but the undertaker made it very clear that she looked very yellow (cancer had spread to her liver) and I should only see her if I was prepared for this - I didn't and don't regret it.

With my children (they were babies) I needed to spend time with them for me, so it wouldn't have mattered what they looked like. I used the time to talk to them and tell them all the things I needed them to know. It was a good thing to do, so if you feel that you still need to talk to your dad you probably won't regret seeing him.

Sending you

Original poster

Retreatbynameretreatbynature · 23/10/2017 20:59

Thank you to everyone who has kindly taken the time to reply. I am so sorry for all your losses and each one of you is in my thoughts. I will speak to the undertakers and seek their advice. My DF was going to be embalmed so i assume that extends the time available to see him once more. But I need to check to make sure. I kind of feel that I don’t want to leave him alone before he takes his final journey. But then i also believe that his soul has already gone and my DF is in heaven. I am so confused but i want to do the right thing for him and his memory.

OP posts:

tinytemper66 · 23/10/2017 21:01

My dad came home to his house and had an open coffin for a couple of days before his funeral. I have told my mother that I don’t want that for her as I don’t want to see that again. It was too long and it was upsetting.

DrMadelineMaxwell · 23/10/2017 21:01

We saw my DDad 2 hours before he died of cancer and he was clearly deteriorating, but I still had no idea that we'd get the call that night.

When we were called in he was already cool by the time we got there (window left open) and I'm almost sorry I went in to see him. On one hand, it was very clear that it was his empty shell and my DDad had gone. On the other hand, he was cleaned up, but had his mouth gaping open and he looked dreadful and gaunt. I had flashbacks for ages.

iwantanewlife · 23/10/2017 21:03

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. My DF died earlier this year of cancer and I went to visit him twice at the funeral home. It looked like him but to be honest it felt like nothing was there and that his soul had left the body.
I was with my DF when he died and had the chance to say good bye.
Please take someone with you if you can as it can be a very emotionally draining experience. Thinking of you

CatchingBabies · 23/10/2017 21:03

When my MIL passed away the undertakers told us that although she has died the cancer dosnt straight away and it continues to destroy the body (I don't know how true this is). For that reason we were advised not to see her. Some family members did see her and said she didn't look great so we were glad we decided not to. If we hadn't been warned against it we probably would have done though.

thatdearoctopus · 23/10/2017 21:14

I saw my grandfather at the undertakers years ago - they'd put makeup on him ffs, and he looked awful, very waxy. I therefore decided against seeing mil when the time came and, most importantly my own mother when she died in May. I did see her in her hospital bed an hour or so after she died, (although I kind of followed my dad and siblings in, and wouldn't have chosen to if I'd had time to think about it), but unlike them I couldn't kiss her goodbye - I just didn't want to feel her cold and lifeless. Looking was bad enough.

You're right, it's a very personal decision, but I can't help feeling that one is more likely to regret seeing them than not doing so.

FleurWeasley · 23/10/2017 21:18

My mum died at our family home. I was there. I felt that for me the right thing was to say goodbye to her body there, before the undertaker collected her. From the moment she left the house I considered her gone from her body.

tass1960 · 23/10/2017 21:30

We had my mum at home in an open coffin for a couple of days before her funeral - it was actually really nice and we all sat around her chatting, remembering and laughing.

The undertakers closed the coffin the night before the funeral - I found that hard. It was what she wanted and although she still looked ill I'm definitely glad we were able to see her at any time during those days.

Blackcatonthesofa · 23/10/2017 21:45

You don't have to do it for his memory. Just make a conscience decision on the reason. You can choose to see his body to say goodbye to the physical self, his last looks which is fine. It is also equally fine if you'd rather keep the memory of his living self. The cells in the body renew every couple of years anyway so it isn't the same body as in your childhoid, just the last one he had. Never regret your choice, there isn't a wrong choice possible.

karalime · 23/10/2017 21:47

I was with my mum when she died and I saw her in the funeral home.

She looked more peaceful, but she did not look like her. However to me that was okay because it wasn't really her iyswim. The real her was long gone and so I can now remember her as she was when she was well.

flipflopson5thavenue · 23/10/2017 22:02

I saw my dad as I was worried I'd regret it. I was glad I had in the immediate few weeks but now I feel indifferent at having seen him but on balance glad I did. I remember thinking how still and, well, dead he was. 'He' was not in that body anymore. Was a strange but also calming feeling. He was well and truly gone.
Sorry for your loss

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