Should I visit my dad at the undertakers?

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My darling DF passed away, two weeks ago, after a horrendous battle with cancer. I was with him when he died and then saw him again the next day. His funeral is next week and I am not sure if I want to see him once more at the undertakers beforehand. I feel that it is such a personal thing and I am sure everyone will have different thoughts but I am worried that if I don’t see him I will always regret it. But, equally, I’m am really scared that it may be so hard to cope with and I am already having to be strong for everyone around me.

I think 2 weeks can change someone.

I went to see my mum 5 days afterwards (she passed in the house and I was there, she looked ill at the time and it was such a blessing)
I loved seeing her in the funeral home because she looked great, she looked healthy and like my mum.
Very mixed emotions as because she looked well again I just wanted to pick her up and cart her home.

My aunt saw her mother in law a few days after in the funeral home and then 2 weeks later. She said that mil had changed a lot in the 2 weeks and wished she’d left it at the first visit.

I was with both my parents when they died but that was the last time I saw them. I personally wouldn't of wanted to see them at the undertakers as I had no desire to. As others have said it is such a personal choice. Listen to your gut feelings on it and what do you think your dad would want. I imagine it would be to remember him at his best, that's not him laying there it's just the vehicle we borrow. His memory is always in your heart. Best of luck it's shit.

No one can make the decision for you, but ultimately it's your choice, I wouldn't but that's because I was chicken.
You should decide what's right for you. your choice should be right for you ( and no one else!!!)

If it helps, we had no idea that my DF would not come home from hospital - it was something that he was very keen to do.
We made an arrangement with the undertakers that he would be brought back to the house before he made his final journey to his funeral. It felt right for our family. We all travelled together that one last time, even if not in the same vehicle.

Sorry for your loss
My dad died last month. I was with him when he died and held his hand and said goodbye. He had cancer and had deteriorated in the last few weeks.I felt I had said my goodbyes at the time of death so didn't feel the need to see him again.
When DH dad died he regretted seeing him at the funeral parlour as he said it looked nothing like him.
Do whatever feels right for you. It's tough

My df died six weeks ago after a long battle with cancer and unpleasant few days before.I wanted to see.him but DM didn't want us to.By the time we got the chance it was almost two weeks.I chose not to as I saw him less than 24 hours before he passed away.I have no regrets.Sorry for your loss x

I didn’t. Happy with that decision. Was also with him when he died. My brothers did and were glad they did. Go with your initial gut feeling. There’s no wrong answer.

My Dad died in March (dementia),I wanted to see him as he died in the night,at hospital,when I wasn't there.So I went to see him in the mortuary the next day & was glad I did.He looked at peace & I know he suffered in his last days ,so that gave me peace too.
But I turned down seeing him at the Funeral place as I had said my goodbyes in the mortuary.
But,at the end of the day,its your decision.

I saw my nan literally after she had died half an hour before & it isn't a pleasant memory.

Then I saw her at the funeral home the following week & she looked much more peaceful. So I was glad I went to see her.

I went with my dad to see my mum in the chapel of rest, I'm glad I did but sister chose not to.
I had written my mum a letter saying goodbye which the funeral director placed in the coffin for me but I was pleased I could 'deliver' it in person.

I think it would have helped me to see my brother's body. When we went to the funeral palour his casket was closed. I didn't believe he was dead for a least a year. Seeing him might have helped with that. It's a huegly personal choice, obviously. I agree you should go with your gut.

This may be too much detail but here is my story. My Dad died suddenly, we were in an adjacent room as medical staff were trying to save him. We saw him 20 minutes after he died and I was very shocked as I felt he didn't look like himself. He looked like he'd gone 10 rounds with Frank Bruno. It didn't help that my sister noticed he needed a new dressing on a bleed and had to fetch a nurse. We saw him again later that day in the chapel of rest and he looked better, like my Dad but no longer there. Five days later, the day before his funeral, we went to see him at the Funeral Directors. My Mum was a bit upset that his mouth didn't look right. But he was peaceful. She put a rose in his hands from a bouquet she'd received that week and we girls put our Easter presents for him, still wrapped up, by his legs. (At that point in time we kids got Easter Eggs and bought little presents for our parents. He died over Easter so he hadn't had them). A close friend of the family also asked to see him and they went into the room before us so that we were last. I am glad we went that last time, I think as we had seen him twice before we knew vaguely what to expect and wanted to go and have a chance to say goodbye for the very last time. But only you will know whether it will make you feel right/better/compete (insert your own word) or not.

My mother also died from cancer. We were all with her during her last days when she went from being our very poorly mum to a body that frankly scared me...I would not have recognised her had I not been right there during that very rapid decline from life to death. However, it helped me accept it was her time and it does give me comfort.

I hadn’t planned to see her in the undertaker; I had said my goodbyes, but my sister urged me to.
I did go and she looked like a strange, healthier version of the person I had witnessed dying, and tbh it freaked me out. I am a scientist and I can’t stop thinking about what they just have done to her body (with great care and dignity I don’t doubt) to change her so much. I don’t regret going, it was my decision and I suspect I would always have wondered but that haunts me way more than the 5 day bedside vigil.

I didn’t see my dad at the undertakers after he died, though his death was more sudden so he would not have looked so different.

I’m so sorry OP. It’s a very difficult time and there is no right or wrong.

My Dad went to see his Mum, who died after living a long time with dementia. He said he was glad that he went because although she looked like her, she also clearly wasn't there. He saw how much her presence had been part of her, even at the end with reduced faculties. He found it helped him to say goodbye to her. He drew a sketch of her that I think was his way of processing it all. It looks like her but not her, and I think I understand what he meant. He got to spend time with her alone, and he said that worked for him too. I think it is a really personal decision, but whichever choice you make will be for the best.

My dad died suddenly, I didn’t go to see him after, I just couldn’t. But I don’t regret not going. It was the right thing for me.

My dad died very suddenly, I went to see him at the hospital mortuary a couple of hours later. I had to see him and say goodbye, tell him I loved him and sorry I wasn't there with him. He didn't look like himself anymore, I kissed him and left. That was the only time I saw him. I asked the undertakers to leave him be as no one would be going to see him. I don't like the thought of being messed with after death but it's such a deeply personal thing and everyone has different beliefs. I am a scientist and an atheist so once dad had died that was it for me, I saw him that one last time for my own sake, it was so sudden I couldn't imagine not seeing him again.

Sorry for your loss.

When my MIL died the whole family came to see her in the hospital. My partner was with her when she went and called to tell us that the time was near so we were there within five minutes of her passing. She looked almost like she was sleeping. Due to her beliefs we didn't touch her body. I think that would have been difficult.

My partner, his brother and me went to see her at the memorial home to check her hair and makeup looked good for the funeral.

It was a peaceful experience in both cases and I'm glad we did it. I'd want to see my own relatives to check everything was right with them (for MIL we got the memorial guy to re-arrange her hair as it was parted wrong).

This is such a personal thing op so its hard to advise you.

I seen my dad when he was brought from the undertakers to his childhood home where his brother lived.

I spoke to him on the Saturday, he died suddenly on the Sunday. Monday morning morning I was stood in an undertaker's picking out his coffin and we buried him on the Wednesday. I'm not sure that I was fully with it when I was stood looking at him in his brothers front room in his coffin.

So many people came to the house to say goodbye. People touched him, kissed his cheek, forehead and lips and I couldn't go near him. I did eventually touch his hands and just talked to him. I actually told him I was sorry I couldn't kiss him. It was how I felt at the time and totally valid.

Tears are running down my face now. I still can't believe he's gone.

The last thing I said to him was I love you.

Wishing you the very best.

To the OP I think if you were with your Dad as he died and then saw him again the day after you have hopefully a final picture of him at peace particularly after battling cancer. I was late at the hospital when my Mum died and will always regret that. She died quite suddenly and just couldn't get there in time. I saw her shortly afterwards and then I did go to the undertakers. Can't say I have any regrets but it wasn't her if that makes sense. You can't beat yourself up about these things ...what is your first emotion? I would follow that

My father didn’t look like him. But when he had just passed away so we missed him by minutes and he was still warm it didn’t look like him either. It was a sudden death. So a shock. But I guess it was still worth me seeing him in the funeral parlour. Didn’t look like him. It’s our culture to have open coffins so saw him on the funeral too. That was more like him.

My aunt I saw her on her funeral day. Trigger - it was suicide by hanging. She looked completely different. I had seen her though the week before in fact a few days before and honestly it could have been a different person. But it did help me accept that she had really gone.

Sorry for your loss OP.

I was with my mum when she died so didn’t go to the funeral home to see her afterwards. I felt no need. No regrets

I was with dad when he died. I found that so utterly awful, even though it was peaceful and painfree thanks to the super NHS. I have seen 2 people in the undertakers and on both occasions have found it such a comfort. No, they don't look exactly in life but they did look at peace. On both occasions I took small personal things to place in the coffins. On both the ccassionsc was able to sit and just talk without fear of being overheard. I know full well they couldn't hear, but in those moments there is an uncanny feeling of final togetherness.

It's not for everyone. I'd never, ever force someone that had any reluctance. But for me it is an enduring comfort that's helping me with my grief process.

To the PP I think you're right about cancer. Bastard seems to continue to invade long after it's done it's bastarding job.

I didn’t go to see my DF any more before his funeral and I am ok with that decision. I was with him when he died and then saw him the next day. There was a long gap between his passing and the funeral, so everyone advised me not to see him again at the undertakers.
The funeral was this week and now it feels awful and so final. I keep looking at his photo and I can’t believe he’s not here. My teenage DD keeps asking me to bring him back and is sobbing uncontrollably. They were so close and to see her hurting is unbearable for me.

Oh OP.
The pain is so unbearable.

What helped me and I don’t know if it is the right way to deal with it was I knew Dad had gone. I knew there would be a point I would accept it so I cried and I missed him. I wrote to him. I looked at his photograph.

The stress was so bad - physically on my body. I would make sure you’re eating and drinking properly and your daughter is too.

Finally he visited me a few times in my dreams - when I was at my lowest and he asked me to let him go. I felt my pain and tears was keeping his soul here and I needed to let him go. Once I did that he hasn’t visited me again to speak with me. So now I feel his soul has truly passed on.

I’m sorry, it is so tough in the early days.

My Mum died 10 years ago. I went to see my Mum - I didn’t want to but my Dad wanted to and needed someone to go with him - it wasn’t a positive experience and it’s one I wish I could erase. I’m glad you’re happy with the decision.

The early days are tough. I won’t sugarcoat it. It does get easier with time. You never stop missing them, you’ll always feel like there’s something missing, but those moments that are overwhelming but get less frequent. Give yourself time, be kind to yourself.