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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

My Very Good Friend Lost her Baby Today

29 replies

Lazylou · 09/04/2007 22:56

My very good friends lost their little girl today after a long battle since her birth in March with her health. I have spoken briefly to them today but I just don't know what to say. I'm devestated for them both as they waited so long for her.

Don't really know why I felt the need to post this, I don't want to go into details in case my friends are here. I'm just terribly for them both.

I don't know what to do. I want to ring them and offer my support but I realise that now might not be the best time. We live quite far away from each other and I want them to know I am here for them but I also understand that they need some time for themselves to take in their news. I don't want them to think I don't care about what they are going through, and I think they might feel like that if I don't contact them. It's really hard to know what to do for the best.

OP posts:

IOtter · 09/04/2007 22:59

i am so so sorry for their loss
thinking of all of you and the little girl xxx

bramblina · 09/04/2007 23:00

So, so for you all, terrible news. Have you sent a card?

gess · 09/04/2007 23:00

Ring them, talk to them briefly. Send them something, then ring them again in a week or two, when things are meant to be getting back to "normaL' (how could they? ) See how it goes. I spoke a lot (by phone) to a long distance friend when she lost her son. I worried about doing the right thing as well, but when I actually started speaking to her it was very easy. I kind of took my cue from her though, she spoke easily on the phone and I got the impression it helped, so I kept ringing iyswim.

So sad when a baby dies

Pinkchampagne · 09/04/2007 23:02

I'm so so sorry to hear about your friends baby girl.
How about sending some flowers with a card telling your friend that you are around if she needs you.

Original poster

Lazylou · 09/04/2007 23:03

I haven't sent a card. I had just written a 'new baby' one to send tomorrow. I didn't send it before because they were waiting to find out if the LO was going to be ok. It's on the side now and in some respects, I'm glad I didn't send it. I only found out today and I don't know whether a card is the way forward. My Dad said to leave them for a couple of days to take things in, which I think I will do and then I will ring and see what happens from there.

OP posts:

Chandra · 09/04/2007 23:03

Perhaps a short ring and writing in a card what you have wrote, could be a way to start.

I'm sorry this has happened. You seem to be a lovely friend who is dithering between being around to be more helpful or respecting their space so they can mourn in peace.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 09/04/2007 23:03

Absolutely agree with gess.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 09/04/2007 23:05

I think, some parents want the birth of their child to be celebrated, irrespective of what happened in the aftermath.

Otherwise, it is like denying their much loved baby's existence.

SparklyGothKat · 09/04/2007 23:06

sorry to hear this a friend of mine lost her little boy at 4 months old. All I could do was be there for her, don;t wait for her to phone you, she will not want to impose her 'troubles' on you.

sandcastles · 09/04/2007 23:10

So so sorry to hear this.

I think I would go with Gess's idea.

nallydoolally · 09/04/2007 23:13

my friend lost her baby last year at 5 weeks and i really didn't know what to do. i felt i would not know what to say on the phone as her dd and my dd2 were born a week apart and i felt guilty about still having dd2. i sent an email saying how sad we felt for her and her dh and saying that when they were ready to talk about it and if they needed us, we would be here for them. it took 4 months for us to get together, but we kept in touch by email in the meantime. she and her dh met with us and our dc, including dd2. it was difficult but we got through the day with many tears and hugs and i think they are trying now to get back to some normality, 6 months later.
it's very, very difficult, but i think its important to get in touch. you will be able to tell where they are at emotionally and where to go from there, how much contact to have, for how long etc
i feel so sorry for your friend. you sound like a lovely caring friend too.

Original poster

Lazylou · 09/04/2007 23:18

Ok, I went with the flowers and card idea and have just placed an order with Interflora with a little note just basically saying I am here when they need me and the LO will always be in our thoughts. I hope they are ok with that because I don't want to force myself on them.

Thanks for all your lovely messages.

OP posts:

gess · 09/04/2007 23:19

Ah yes that is a good point. I don't say very much about ds2 (same age) when I speak to my friend. I remember asking her how she was finding it seeing friends with children the same age, and she said she didn't, she just avoided it. I think that's the main sensitivity to watch out for. But follow your friend's lead. My friend has said that for her talking by phone is helpful, emailing not (I'm quite an email person). If you're too nervous to talk at the moment, then send something to show you're thinking of them, then you can ring in 2-3 weeks time, just to ask how they're getting on, and let them know you're still thinking of them.

gess · 09/04/2007 23:20

cross-posted.

seaside72 · 09/04/2007 23:22

Lazylou - I am so sorry for your friends' loss -Sadly I have been through this twice with friends in the past 5 years and it is so heartbreaking. From my expereince def write a note - there are no good words but just acknowledging their loss and your sadness - I am sure it will be appreciated. I would also call if you can- if they do not want to speak they will not answer or you will be able to judge from their voice how far they want to go, like gess says.

For us one set of friends (their baby had been poorly since birth) wanted us there almost immediately and we stayed all night sitting up talking and crying etc. they did not want to be alone.

The other couple (their was a sudden loss) were more isolated initially and we left messages and notes and dropped off food etc But after three days they too asked to see us and we talked and cried and hugged.

I found that there were many practical things that I could do to help which were appreciated, for instance for one couple they asked if I could find somewhere for them to go with family after the funeral as they did not want everyone in their house, I also did washing for them and other practical stuff (but I think you said you do not live close so not so possible) for the other I wrote a prayer and read it at the funeral.

From what both my friends said they did not want people to not talk about the LO's or to feel awkward. They referred to them often and still do. (On another point many people tend to think they do not want to be reminded but for both couples they mark their little ones b'days every year and I always try to remember too) Everyone will deal with it differently but I am sure a call and card will be much appreciated - Again I am so sorry

HTH

willywonkasEgghunt · 09/04/2007 23:37

So sorry to hear of your friend's loss . It must be an impossibly difficult time.

I realise it's not the same but our dd2 was sb last year at 34wks and we were grateful to those people who felt able to call, generally from our "inner circle" of friends, living near and far. Would definitely suggest calling and simply open the conversation with "is now an OK time to talk or would you prefer I call another time?". TBH we tended not to bother answering the calls during the bad moments and were glad of the opportunity to share our brief memories at other times.

With support of people like you, I hope your friend & her family are able to find strength to come to terms with their loss over the coming days, weeks and months .

Original poster

Lazylou · 09/04/2007 23:42

One thing I am pleased about is that my friend has her parents close by and I know they will do all practical stuff for them, like cooking and washing and stuff. I just feel helpless as I'm far away and there is nothing I can do, aside from what I have already done.

I've decided that I want to be there at the funeral (when the details have been arranged) and am thinking that I will attend if it is acceptable to my friends, but obviously if they ask for others outside the family to stay away, I will respect their wishes, but probably go and hang around a cafe or something, just in case they need a familiar non family face at some point. I'm thinking that it also shows that I am there for them. Sorry, that was a bit muddled, my thoughts are all over the place.

Do you think it would be acceptable to do that or do you think not? Like I say, thank you all so much for your kind words. I am tempted to email the link to this page for them to have a look at because if nothing else, I know wholeheartedly that they will get support from MN. Thanks again.

OP posts:

willywonkasEgghunt · 09/04/2007 23:45

You simply sound like a very genuine and loving friend.

Marina · 09/04/2007 23:50

Lazylou, I am sure they will want you there at the funeral. When a baby's life is cut so cruelly short, people will eventually forget about her (I speak from experience) and those who were there to remember her and say farewell will be precious friends indeed. We travelled five hundred miles to be at the funeral of our best friends' baby son, none of us imagining that the dh (now godfather to our ds) would make the return trip seven years later to do the same for us
Shared grief can be something that binds friends closely together, in a surprisingly positive way given the circumstances. In neither extended family is either baby now remembered (we have both had other living children). But we send each other cards each year and talk about our sons by name. And the four other friends (as opposed to family) who came to our son's funeral are all dear to us and connected through ties of mutual godparenting and friendship.
You sound like such a caring friend, they are going to need you so much at this grim and sad time. I am so sorry their daughter died.

IOtter · 09/04/2007 23:56

marina how terrible xxxxxxx

Marina · 10/04/2007 00:01

One of life's bizarre twists of fate Iotter But we've been there for each other and the shared experience has strengthened an already strong friendship. You need good friends (like lazylou) around you at times like this.

Original poster

Lazylou · 10/04/2007 07:57

That is so Marina

OP posts:

Original poster

Lazylou · 10/04/2007 18:57

Well, they recieved the flowers today and phoned to say thank you and to let me know when the funeral is . Spoke to my manager at work and she kindly allowed me to take the time off so as I may attend. I have spoken to both Mum and Dad and have been in touch a few times via text. I'm just following their lead. They contacted me first, I reciprocated and since then, I have been answering their messages, without pushing them too much. Just want to say thank you again to all of you who offered advice and kind thoughts.

Dad has said that we may attend the funeral. Mum has said it will be a celebration of the little one's short life and we are all to wear pink.

Thanks again

OP posts:

totaleclipse · 10/04/2007 19:04

so sorry

Marina · 10/04/2007 19:31

It's nice that they are incorporating the joy they felt at their dd's birth into the funeral service. It's not easy to do, but it does help on the day IME XXX

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