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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Do I see Dad in the chapel of rest

42 replies

whatisforteamum · 20/09/2017 08:36

When Dad died I stated I wanted to see him one last time.unbeknown to me my DM and db saw him as they were there in his final hours.Db told me I could see him at the funeral home.
DM has now said she isn't keen on us seeing df.
She did admit db is going to see him again.I did want to see df resting after a horrible dying process that I witnessed.I do feel quite positive at the moment.
Would seeing him set me back again? Did you see your loved one and regret it.when dfil died I saw his body and couldn't get it out of my mind when he was buried.what do you think and did grief hit you more after the funeral?

OP posts:

MrsJayy · 20/09/2017 08:41

I am so sorry about your dad I think if you want to see him just go your mum is maybe trying to save you more upset I have gone to see a few loved ones it was a strange experience tbh but it certainly didn't make me feel any worse.

MrsJayy · 20/09/2017 08:43

Grief is personal ime not everybody grieves the same I don't think.

Becstarlenski · 20/09/2017 08:45

Hi didn't want to read and Run, Sorry for your lost xx
When my Dad died I visited him at the funeral home he just look very peaceful and I'm very glad I said good bye.
Grief is a strange process and I think everyone deals with it in different ways. I found before the funeral I was sad but defo went into doing mode but after found it very final and lonely as everyone had almost moved on but I han't , I found talking about him a comfort x

EngTech · 20/09/2017 08:49

Sorry for your loss

It is a personal thing and whatever you decide, is the right decision for you.

Thinking of the happy times helps as well

ButtfaceMiscreant · 20/09/2017 08:49

In the nicest possible way your DM or DB cannot tell you if you can or can't see your DF at rest, especially if your DB is also wanting to make a visit to see your DF in the funeral home.

If you feel you need to see your DF and say a final goodbye then do so. Your grief is personal to you, and you need to do what feels right to you to get some closure on your father's death so you can allow yourself to grieve.

I am sorry for your loss

thatdearoctopus · 20/09/2017 08:53

I think the consensus will be split here. I viewed my grandfather's body when I was a teenager, and it was horrible - he looked very waxy and not himself at all. I therefore declined seeing my much-loved mil when she had died.
Then my own mother died a couple of months back. She had been in a coma for a day or two, clearly not looking "herself," and then my father, siblings and I went to the hospital (middle of the night) as soon as we heard she had died. Before I knew it, we were all in her room with her, and I probably wouldn't have chosen that. They all leant over to kiss her goodbye, but I couldn't. I didn't want my last memory of her to have been when she was stiff and cold.
Personal preference. Sorry if this is blunt but it was my experience.

silkpyjamasallday · 20/09/2017 09:04

People are very different when grieving, DP didn't want to visit his mum in the funeral home but his aunty went every day up until the funeral, same when her husband died. She finds it comforting, DP can't think of anything worse. It really is a personal preference and neither is wrong or right, don't let anyone tell you how you should grieve as it will make the process more difficult for you if you aren't true to your own feelings. I'm sorry for your loss OP

Notreallyarsed · 20/09/2017 09:08

I find that it's a very personal choice. I was there when my mum died, and helped SIL to get mum ready for the undertakers (fresh nightie, a freshen up wash and brushing her hair). Then I went back in a few hours later before we left to say a last goodbye and I wish I hadn't. I kissed her and she was very cold, and it upset me a lot.

I'm very sorry about your dad there's a thread on here for anyone who has lost a parent if you need to talk. It's run by Mummylin who is fantastic.

CanIBuffalo · 20/09/2017 09:11

I'm sorry your DDad has died. I chose not to see my DDad when he died but saw DMum at the hospital after she'd died. I don't regret either decision.
The decision needs to be yours, not anyone else's. You wouldn't even need to tell your DMum if you didn't want to.
It's really important to grieve in your own way.

tigerdog · 20/09/2017 09:12

I'm very sorry for you loss.

My family are Italian and I think it must be customary to visit the chapel of rest regularly in the run up to the funeral and it was expected that we all would. My gran visited my grandad every day. I was very nervous about going but I was really glad I did. I enjoyed a chance to say a peaceful goodbye and to slip a jokey note into his top pocket. I went back a second time too.

I also spent time with a family member who died at home, before they were collected. Again, it was a very peaceful experience, although heartbreakingly sad. It totally depends on what you feel comfortable with but I found the reality to be totally different to my fears about being around someone who has died.

user128057 · 20/09/2017 09:16

Sorry for your loss. I went and saw my grandad in the chapel of rest. I'm glad I did. He had cancer so obviously looked really poorly. The last time I saw him he looked like himself. It just looked like he was sleeping. It was nice to be able to go and give him one last cuddle and kiss and also to say a few things to him.

Gingernaut · 20/09/2017 09:18

Coming from an Irish Catholic background, it's a very common thing for friends and family to 'visit' the deceased at the funeral home and there's often a gathering at the funeral home the day before the funeral, where the lid of the coffin is secured in front of the loved ones.

It's the last time anyone will see the deceased and it's a time to reminisce, share stories and cry.

The day before my dad's funeral someone cracked a joke and we all laughed.

There's no harm in visiting your dad, OP. If you want to go, then go. He was your dad, it's not as if you're some random with a morbid interest in some dead stranger.

motheroreily · 20/09/2017 09:20

I'm sorry, this must be a very sad time. As everyone has said it's your decision.

I was with my mum when she died but chose not to visit her in the chapel of rest and I don't regret it. Maybe see how you feel in the next day.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 20/09/2017 09:24

My family went to see my hugely beloved Grandma, I decided not to but then changed my mind as I felt if everyone was, I was doing the wrong thing.

I took one look through the door and backed straight out again. That's not, personally, how I wanted to remember my grandma.

I think family members who were comforted by it had seen her sooner, so if you do want to see your Dad then I would recommend going very soon after the funeral home have done all they need to do.

I'm so sorry about your Dad.

WatchingFromTheWings · 20/09/2017 09:37

Sorry for your loss.

I didn't want to see my dad after he died but changed my mind last minute. I was so glad I did as he looked relaxed and peaceful. He'd suffered for a long time in the lead up to his death and it was awful to see.

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 20/09/2017 09:38

Thank you all so much.I wasn't sure if DM had a legal right to refuse as she is his next of kin.Dads sis wants to include a photo as he was a keen photographer DM thinks this is odd but I think if it helps what's the harm.
I may ask db if he found it comforting.I think seeing dfil he was waxy like others have said however I kept thinking of him in the ground when they buried him.I was 20 years younger though.
I don't want any regrets as dad had a whole life he was 76 it was just the last months weeks and days that were dreadful for him and us.

OP posts:

Notreallyarsed · 20/09/2017 09:42

I have to say, seeing mum looking peaceful after so much trauma and pain was very comforting, I just wish I hadn't kissed her. But seeing her face free of pain and distress helped a lot. Her last days in particular were horrific, so to see her free from all that helped.

WatchingFromTheWings · 20/09/2017 09:43

They can't stop you from seeing him. If you do decide to go, phone the funeral directors in advance and they will have him ready for you, usually in the chapel of rest.

Blossomdeary · 20/09/2017 09:49

It is, as others have said, a very personal decision - and you do not know whether visiting is the right thing or not till after you have done it.

I saw my Mum in the funeral home, with my Dad, and it felt wrong to me - Dad was upset that he had gone, as he said she looked better when he saw her immediately after her death in the home and would rather have remembered that. I just felt nothing - I could not relate to her body at all. She was a fiery and somewhat challenging lady, who died after a dementia illness, so the woman who was dying and the corpse itself seemed to bear no relation to the lady I had known all my life. One thing stood out - she looked much smaller than I had remembered her.

When Dad then died I chose not to go and see the corpse - the last time I had seen him in the home, he and I were watching Wimbledon and discussing the chances of each player - I preferred to remember that.

I am sorry for your loss - but do not feel that you should see him - or should not see him. There is no should about it. I can only say that I saw one parent and not the other, and in each case, this did not seem detrimental to the grieving process.

raspberrycordial · 20/09/2017 10:04

If you are armed with the facts you can decide for yourself, I have seen two people in the chapel of rest and they did not look like themselves at all. It wasn't scary and there was a finality to it for me that meant I knew they had definitely gone. I remember thinking (and I'm not religious at all) that it seemed as though their soul had left their body and all that was left was the shell. That gave me a content feeling.

bigoldbird · 20/09/2017 10:10

I saw both my parents when they died. I was pleased I went because they were so obviously not there, if that makes any sense. It wasn't my Mum and Dad, it was an empty shell and they had moved on to I know not what. Ultimately though it is your choice, we all react differently. I am so sorry for your loss.

cupoftea12 · 20/09/2017 10:12

Sorry about your father Grief is personal to everyone. I saw my great grandmother in the chapel of rest and didn't like it much while I was there - she had been embalmed and looked nothing like herself. I was present when she died so I don't know if this changed my perception at all.

However it did help with the burial process. Some who had not seen her struggled with the thought of her being buried, but seeing her in the chapel of rest had assured me that the gran I knew was no longer present, that her soul had moved on. So it made the thought of her being buried much easier for me.

I don't know if this will help but it's my personal experience. I hope whatever you choose helps you cope

BelindaBlinked · 20/09/2017 10:15

Listen to your gut op. If you feel like you need to see him then do it.
I saw my mum and it did help me accept she had truly died. Part of me felt like it was an elaborate joke being played on me but seeing her gave me the first step to closure.

Sorry to hear about your Dad though take care of yourself

Original poster

whatisforteamum · 20/09/2017 10:16

My aunt wants to put a photo in the coffin DM thinks this is weird.Df was a keen photographer so I thinks its nice.I wasn't sure if DM had a legal right over df as she is his next of kin.DM isn't boing as she was there when he died and stayed a few hours with him.
I keep this king how dfil was and how I thought of him being buried later that night.It was 20 years ago though.
I suffer from anxiety so perhaps it isn't a good idea.
I just want to do everything right like I did in his lifetime so I have no regret iyswim.

OP posts:

bookwormsforever · 20/09/2017 10:24

Put whatever you want in the coffin.

Lots of people do this and it's fine.

Dm doesn't have the legal right to say whether people can view df in the rest home or not - that's up to family members.

Do whatever you want to do, and don't worry about others. It is OK to please yourself, not worry about pleasing other people all the time.

It might give you closure to see df at peace.

I'm sorry for your loss [ flowers ] - take care.

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