In law anger

[jbee1979]

I lost my mum in December and I am furious with my in-laws. Not one of them made it to the funeral. My DH missed half of it, wrestling our toddler. I had to do my reading with her on my hip (although it was a comfort to have her there). MIL sent a card. I saw her on Christmas day for an hour, then I made the journey to her house a fortnight ago, to show my face. The standoff of embarrassment can't go on indefinitely. I'm going to be stuck with my SIL for 24 hours from 2pm onwards, and I need hands to hold to keep a lid on it. She didn't send a card even, and the last I heard from her was a text about an hour after mum died, 8 months ago. All communication is though DH and we've been summoned to visit and let the "cousins" play. It's making me feel so ill. I mean nothing to them. I thought they were my family. I'm just my daughter's mother, my husband's wife, now I have to smile and play happy families. Help me not blow up like an embarrassing volcano.

Why go? I wouldn't bother...

Can it be like this forever? I think I need "permission" not to go. Do I just never see her again and be the weird SIL who cut everyone off when her mum died. I think I should bite the bullet and not let it be 2 years/3 years/20 years since we last spoke.

I can't make them behave like decent humans, and I'm never going to have the courage to have a discussion with them about how hurt I am, so I feel obliged to put a lid on it.

DH wouldn't go without me, he knows how I feel. I don't want to be the crazy wife who "stopped him seeing his family".

MIL has told our toddler she's going to the beach today, and thats all I hear now. BEACH! BEACH! BEACH NOW! I feel emotionally blackmailed into not upsetting my child. There are other beaches though.

It's a non-problem really. I need my big girl pants on and be strong either way, don't I?

Did they say why they didn't come?

Sorry for your loss

Firstly sorry for your loss

I guess most of it depends on the relationship between both sets of parents. My DM and my in laws have only ever met once, at our wedding.

Two years ago my FIL died, my mum didn't go to the funeral or send a card. She did ask me to pass on her condolences to MIL which I did in private. My DM did have our DD's so we could be with MIL when FIL died and then for the funeral.

I keep in contact with MIL, SIL and BIL simply because DH is rubbish with mobile phones.

Sorry for the loss of your Mum.
I can see how upset you are, and am wondering if your in-laws are aware. Maybe it might be best to speak to them before you visit, and say that you feel there is a rift, and this is why. It may be that they just don't know how to behave, didn't know that they were expected at the funeral, didn't want to intrude etc etc. Some people wouldn't think it necessary to send a card if they texted or spoken to the bereaved person.
It may be that they are hard-nosed, selfish people and simply didn't care, but the conversation needs to be had. What does your DH think? Has he spoken to them about this?

Are you more upset that they seem to have offered you no support, or offended that they didn't come to the funeral?

I find it hard because, when my mum died, my ILs were all out of the country (being Australian) so there was no question of them coming to the funeral. My MIL offered condolences but didn't send a card, because she doesn't "do" cards. No one else from DH's family really knew me at that point so nothing was said.

I think if ILs don't know each other, it's not always a "thing" for them to go to each others' funerals. My mother's parents wouldn't have gone to my father's parents' funerals (Both my dad's parents died before either of my mum's) but then, dad's parents lived up north and mum's lived down south and they barely knew each other.

Don't know - but you're clearly very upset by the situation so I'm surmising there is more background to this.

Thanks Rocky. SIL and MIL had plans together (funeral was a week before Christmas). FIL needed a lift (with us, 60 miles out of our way and too much to deal with for a 10AM service). MIL couldn't help because of her "plans". I got a text from her telling me about her plans and asking what I was "doing" with our child. I said she'd be coming with us, as anyone I'd have left her with needed to be there too (my immediate family). I have dropped everything for their dramas in the past, but they couldn't spare an hour to pay their respects to my mum, or take a bit of pressure off DH and I, when I was utterly heart broken and struggling.

Ah. That makes more sense - you had to do everything for the funeral and presumably the wake, and they couldn't even put themselves out to come and help you - yes. That would be very upsetting.
Sorry for your loss, by the way, should have said that at the outset

I think it was pretty poor of them not to come to the funeral, my parents had only met MIL in passing before her cancer diagnosis and she died a month later, they still sent flowers to the hospice and a letter saying they would care for DP as their own, my dad flew back from Australia to attend the funeral during the busiest point of the financial year missing work to do so. They might not have known her, but they knew that DP would appreciate them showing their faces to support him. It's just what any decent person would do.

I'm not surprised you are angry with your in laws, I'm not sure what to suggest in terms of your contact with them going forward, but maybe it would be worth letting them know that you are hurt that they couldn't make the effort of even condolences cards for you as a member of their family. I know doing that would be hard, maybe your DH could talk to them and explain how much it upset you, hopefully they will apologise. I'm so sorry for your loss and for the added distress of having to spend time with people who are so selfish and callous. You may just have to grin and bear it, but MNers will be giving you a virtual hand hold.

Just read your update, that's pretty shocking. They were clearly aware that you needed help with your child, but were too busy ( shopping??) to step up?

I can empathise and have had very similar. I would suggest that you find an in-law you can talk to. You're still grieving now so you can say that and let them know what's happened and how upset you are.

Relationships have to be reciprocal to last happily and you can bet they'd all want your support if something happened to one of them. Sometimes people need to be told. It might make them think. If not, at least they'll know why you're not there in the future.

I have much sympathy for you. I lost my dm recently and the support l got from my inlaws meant a lot. All my siblinngs got a lot of support from their inlaws too and all attended funeral.
But l have 2 areas of my life that lm very involved in and no one from those attended or contacted me. I feel l can never say anything but its really hurtful and l am really tempted to write them all off.
Its difficult but l have decided to let it go. I appreciate the support l got, often from totally unexpected places so lm choosing to forget the rest. ( l think!! )

I'm sorry you lost your Mum, it's the toughest thing to go through, I lost my mum in June and I'm lost.
I don't blame you for feeling hurt and angry at the way they behaved, I'd have at least expected them to offer to have your child, or offer some kind of support beyond a text and a card.
Why won't your DH go without you? If I was you I just wouldn't go, but then I'm not good at keeping my mouth shut so would probably cause a riot.

silky Your parents sound wonderful. You have brought a tear to my eye.

Being let down at times like this is very hard to forgive. My In-laws refused to have my 6 month old and 2 year old for my Dad's funeral.
I was a childminder at the time and one of my mums took the day off work and came to my house to look after my kids.

I was only 22 with 2 little ones and a DH who worked away from . They never acknowledged my loss and I never forgave them.

They all knew each other. I don't mean to drip feed. My DH is always 2nd best to SIL and our child to DN and this always happens, we always get called on, to "enjoy some nice family time". I usually grin and bare it. I am just a bit more sensitive because I don't feel as "fit" to jump to attention this time. I wish they'd all just clear off. It's only once or twice a year.

I think I expect to hear "sorry about your mum and how are you" and I don't want to have that conversation with a virtual stranger. It's all fake and false. If they were bothered about us or me, they'd make the effort. I know a relationship works both ways, but I struggle to initiate or maintain it because SIL is always drunk when I talk to her on the phone. She's going to be crying crocodile tears for me into her gin, and she has no clue. I suppose you can choose your friends.

I clearly have to work out what my real problem is. Losing mum has lowered my threshold for dealing with idiots in general. I don't like to feel bitter like this. I think I have a better understanding of what's important and I'd rather do that, or bury myself away, than do anything I suspect I won't enjoy with people who don't necessarily want to see me - rather my DH & daughter.

I have things to think about. Thank you so much for the replies. I think we're all just tolerating and being polite. And if I have to go, I'll continue that theme. They're not my family. I thought they were, but they're not. I will try not to being DH's anger to the party, I'll just go and get it over with.

My PIL never even offered condolences when my DB died. They saw me two days after he died. They could have sent DH a message, sent a card, but we got nothing. It's been two years and I can never forgive. They don't feel like they have done anything wrong but when I have to sit there and listen to how they went round to Betty for a cup of tea after her nephews cousin died* then it's a bit weary.

*or some similar story.

It's caused numerous arguments with me and DH as he'd rather upset me than them. They told my nasty SIL that I wouldn't let them see the DC because of what they did and got vicious messages from her and her husband. I never ever said they couldn't see the boys. It's been awful, to be honest.
I see them occasionally but keep my distance most of the time. I see them because of DH and because I don't want the dc to know how selfish and self absorbed their grandparents are. They want to portray themselves as caring and thoughtful but really, the though of offering support to someone and it not being all about them really grates on them.

So sorry for your loss, your sadness is very clear from your post. I have a very good relationship with my MIL but I have no expectation of her going to my parents' funerals and even understand why she would. Different expectations in different families. I'm sorry your PIL's are so unsupportive

Thanks for understanding my feelings. It means so much to me that you don't think I'm crazy. A funeral is a day out, in my area, and a text is something you send to a school friend you haven't seen in 20 years. You'll know, there's a buzz round illness, death, funeral, then it's lonely and quiet and sad. My in-laws missed all of that, they weren't part of any of it. With little or no acknowledgment. Thank God for DH and DD. They're my real family. I know not to give so much of myself to their drama now. I'll just support DH. Thank you xx

Take care of yourself too OP, I know exactly what you mean about the buzz around it all and then suddenly nothing. It was really hard going, and I don't have the added problem of horrible in laws (my PIL both died many years before I met DP, and DBILs were amazing throughout Mum's illness, death and funeral). Be kind to yourself xxx

So sorry for your loss, my family would rally round, but I know absolutely that DHs family wouldn't. We've been married 15 years and we have 2 boys. My mother and sister consider DH to be part of the family and I know that his family do not consider me to be part of their family. It's hurtful and I don't understand it and never will. I understand completely where you're coming from, but I honestly don't think you can change them.

I am on good terms with my in laws but I would expect them to come to one of my parents funeral

Sorry was meant to say wouldn't expect

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Your in laws are shit. However, they are not your problem, they are your DH's problem.

Send him along with your DC for the cousins to get together, and you can plan a lovely child free day for yourself, you owe theses people nothing.

'Invest in those who invest in you'

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my mum in January and my in-laws demanded to visit us 2 weeks after. They see us twice a year at most. FIL greeted my with a hug and a sorry about your mum. My MIL just sat herself down on my sofa and didn't even bother to say hi to me. They didn't know my mum and at my wedding a de no effort to get to know my parents. So a bit different from you op. Talk to your dh about how your feeling. My dh doesn't want to make any effort with his parents anymore as since mum died it is glaringly obvious they don't care about us.

Big hugs to you.