I'm absolutely devastated and the guilt is horrendous.
She was a complex woman, and suffered from paranoid delusions from as far back as I remember, but somehow she was good at hiding this side of her from others so when her mental health got worse over the last few years people assumed it was dementia.
She thought her neighbours were trying to kill her, that she was being spied on by people planes and all sorts. She was convinced she had serious illnesses over the years - HIV, heart attacks all sorts, when the truth was she was actually in very good physical health for her age (75). She even started accusing me of things like plotting to kill her to get her money a few years ago, she would even tell my children this so I had no choice but to try and distance us from her. Myself and my sister tried ringing her Dr, social services and all of them said there was nothing they could do if she refused to comply. The police were aware of her mental state too as they had numerous calls from her accusing people of trying to kill her, breaking in and so on. We both decided that we couldn't be the ones responsible for getting her sectioned as I know how people can be treated, she would have been petrified and I just couldn't do that to her. We just felt so powerless in it all, and me and my sister ended up cutting contact mainly due to the stress of it all.
Despite this, I used to ask her to pick the DC's up from school a few days as this kept her in the real world, and gave me a chance to cook something for her to take home each day as otherwise she wouldn't eat. However, we became homeless early in July and were placed in temporary accommodation in the opposite direction so I wasn't seeing her as much.
One of my earliest memories of her is of her crying to me about being booked in for a hernia op, she was utterly convinced the doctors planned to kill her, so in the end she cancelled. A few weeks ago she showed me it as it was protruding and a bit sore (I'm a student nurse). I told her she needed to see the doctor but she refused.
I popped up to her's last Thursday, and she said she felt ill, thought it was a stomach bug and told me she had been sick. I asked if she was drinking plenty and she said no, and I got quite cross with her for not looking after herself again or ringing a doctor. She said she didn't want to cause a fuss and be a burden but I told her she made herself a burden by neglecting her health so badly all the time. I really was quite short with her and told her I was very busy ( was my only day off uni in 4 weeks and I had so much to sort out) but that I'd go and get her some cold water, yoghurt, honey and a bit of chocolate to eat to try and soothe her stomach. I dropped then back, and bossily told her to eat and drink them, turn her phone on (she often hid in her house and turned the phone ringer off) and that I'd call back the next day with more water etc.
Next day I didn't get up there till around 9pm- her car was there, but all the lights were off and the windows still open and wasn't answering the door. I was worried but not overly concerned as I knew her sleeping patterns were erratic and she was a heavy sleeper.
I don't have a key, and couldn't ring my sister to ask her for one as she'd asked me never to contact her again the year before, so I took the DC's home and phoned 101. I told them the story and that I was concerned at all the lights being off etc as this was unusual. They looked at her records and could see there had been various calls from her and from others concerned about her welfare so could see she was vulnerable and said they'd send someone round. I then ended up crashed out on the sofa with my phone next to me on loud assuming they'd ring and wake me at some point. Woke at 7 ish, saw no missed calls so rang them back. Again, they said they'd send someone.
At 12, a policewoman knocked. STIll I wasn't overly concerned - thought she'd come to discuss it or at the very worst been taken into hospital or something. Instead, they told me she'd been found dead in the chair I left her in, and had been dead over 24 hours so must have died the night after I saw her. A post mortem showed her hernia had strangulated and caused bowel obstruction and peritonitis. Other than that she was in good health, so it should never have happened. She didn't mention any pain to me but must have been in agony. I can only assume she maybe played it down in case I called ambulance.
I am beyond devastated and feel like I'm stuck in a bad dream. The guilt that I didn't do more and was so abrupt with her is horrendous. The what if's.
She could be difficult and very manipulative but she also had a lovely side and practically did so much for me and the DC's over the years. I just resented so much how she expected me to be her emotional caretaker when I already had so much on my plate (my husband was violent which obviously caused me and the DC's a lot of problems etc and money was also so tight for years). It's almost like I had two Mums and I never knew whether I was going to get the lovely Mum or the troublemaking one. Logically, I know I had little choice to emotionally withdraw from her recently, but I feel so guilty for not saving her.
Apologies that this is so long but I am just utterly bereft and have no idea how I am going to get through this. I am devastated that she died alone, and that I will never get to see her again or get the chance to tell her I loved her and was sorry. The only family I have left now are my 6 DC's, the older ones have been good but now they have gone I have no one and this grief is just overwhelming me. How on earth do I cope with this all?