My Mum has been found dead

[demonchilde]

I'm absolutely devastated and the guilt is horrendous.

She was a complex woman, and suffered from paranoid delusions from as far back as I remember, but somehow she was good at hiding this side of her from others so when her mental health got worse over the last few years people assumed it was dementia.

She thought her neighbours were trying to kill her, that she was being spied on by people planes and all sorts. She was convinced she had serious illnesses over the years - HIV, heart attacks all sorts, when the truth was she was actually in very good physical health for her age (75). She even started accusing me of things like plotting to kill her to get her money a few years ago, she would even tell my children this so I had no choice but to try and distance us from her. Myself and my sister tried ringing her Dr, social services and all of them said there was nothing they could do if she refused to comply. The police were aware of her mental state too as they had numerous calls from her accusing people of trying to kill her, breaking in and so on. We both decided that we couldn't be the ones responsible for getting her sectioned as I know how people can be treated, she would have been petrified and I just couldn't do that to her. We just felt so powerless in it all, and me and my sister ended up cutting contact mainly due to the stress of it all.

Despite this, I used to ask her to pick the DC's up from school a few days as this kept her in the real world, and gave me a chance to cook something for her to take home each day as otherwise she wouldn't eat. However, we became homeless early in July and were placed in temporary accommodation in the opposite direction so I wasn't seeing her as much.

One of my earliest memories of her is of her crying to me about being booked in for a hernia op, she was utterly convinced the doctors planned to kill her, so in the end she cancelled. A few weeks ago she showed me it as it was protruding and a bit sore (I'm a student nurse). I told her she needed to see the doctor but she refused.

I popped up to her's last Thursday, and she said she felt ill, thought it was a stomach bug and told me she had been sick. I asked if she was drinking plenty and she said no, and I got quite cross with her for not looking after herself again or ringing a doctor. She said she didn't want to cause a fuss and be a burden but I told her she made herself a burden by neglecting her health so badly all the time. I really was quite short with her and told her I was very busy ( was my only day off uni in 4 weeks and I had so much to sort out) but that I'd go and get her some cold water, yoghurt, honey and a bit of chocolate to eat to try and soothe her stomach. I dropped then back, and bossily told her to eat and drink them, turn her phone on (she often hid in her house and turned the phone ringer off) and that I'd call back the next day with more water etc.

Next day I didn't get up there till around 9pm- her car was there, but all the lights were off and the windows still open and wasn't answering the door. I was worried but not overly concerned as I knew her sleeping patterns were erratic and she was a heavy sleeper.

I don't have a key, and couldn't ring my sister to ask her for one as she'd asked me never to contact her again the year before, so I took the DC's home and phoned 101. I told them the story and that I was concerned at all the lights being off etc as this was unusual. They looked at her records and could see there had been various calls from her and from others concerned about her welfare so could see she was vulnerable and said they'd send someone round. I then ended up crashed out on the sofa with my phone next to me on loud assuming they'd ring and wake me at some point. Woke at 7 ish, saw no missed calls so rang them back. Again, they said they'd send someone.

At 12, a policewoman knocked. STIll I wasn't overly concerned - thought she'd come to discuss it or at the very worst been taken into hospital or something. Instead, they told me she'd been found dead in the chair I left her in, and had been dead over 24 hours so must have died the night after I saw her. A post mortem showed her hernia had strangulated and caused bowel obstruction and peritonitis. Other than that she was in good health, so it should never have happened. She didn't mention any pain to me but must have been in agony. I can only assume she maybe played it down in case I called ambulance.

I am beyond devastated and feel like I'm stuck in a bad dream. The guilt that I didn't do more and was so abrupt with her is horrendous. The what if's.

She could be difficult and very manipulative but she also had a lovely side and practically did so much for me and the DC's over the years. I just resented so much how she expected me to be her emotional caretaker when I already had so much on my plate (my husband was violent which obviously caused me and the DC's a lot of problems etc and money was also so tight for years). It's almost like I had two Mums and I never knew whether I was going to get the lovely Mum or the troublemaking one. Logically, I know I had little choice to emotionally withdraw from her recently, but I feel so guilty for not saving her.

Apologies that this is so long but I am just utterly bereft and have no idea how I am going to get through this. I am devastated that she died alone, and that I will never get to see her again or get the chance to tell her I loved her and was sorry. The only family I have left now are my 6 DC's, the older ones have been good but now they have gone I have no one and this grief is just overwhelming me. How on earth do I cope with this all?

I'm so terribly sorry, OP. Will endeavour to be a little more eloquent in the morning but didn't want to turn in without sending my love.

I'm deeply sorry for your loss.

Please don't beat yourself up about this. It sounds like it would have been quite terrifying for her to have been taken to hospital, hooked up to alsorts & possibly be given surgery etc.
Don't feel guilty, please. When we look after people we care about, often we can be frustrated or cross. That's normal & she knew you cared.

Very very sorry to read this, what a sad story.

However - you could not have helped her more than you did - she would have refused the ambulance, possibly refused treatment, you could not have forced her to go in the ambulance or have treatment without her permission or a court order - and by the sound of it none of that would have been done in time anyway.

It's an awful thing to try and accept, but you do have to just try to do that - and I second very strongly that you get some grief counselling, either from CRUSE or through your GP or via private means if you have the ability to afford it.

I should have rung my nanna, whom I adored, the night before she died of a massive heart attack - 3 times I thought "I must phone her" and then didn't - and then I lost my chance to ever speak to her again. It's been hard to come to terms with that too, but it's tiny in comparison with how you're feeling, I get that.

But, again, you can't change what's happened so you do have to find a way to accept it and move forward.

Lots of love and strength to you

You know, we all have to pass away at some point, even you and me and everybody else writing in this thread, and you really did all your best from what options were available to you. You really should not feel guilty over not being able to save your mum when you did you very best. I'm sure your mum knew you loved her. Your mum had had that hernia for as long you could remember, your earliest memories, but had chosen for herself not to treat it in spite of many, many, many options to do so -- so you should never feel guilty for not saving your mum from this fate as that one option - saving your mum from the bad effects of her progressing hernia - was an option not open to you. Something similar happened to my dad: his dad died in his sixties the day after his birthday from a sudden heart attack. The night prior his passing, on the very birthday, my dad had spoken with his dad over the phone and said he could not visit on the birthday as he had just arrived from a long journey and was too tired, and they both agreed that he'd pop over the day after, after work. Now, well, that never happened of course. Early the next day the granddad instead had a sudden and totally unexpected heart attack out in the street while shopping groceries. (The granddad had had some heart medication, for years.) My dad - 34 at the time - later blamed himself for the rest of his life for not actually forcefully declining the suggestion to meet the day after, but instead he thought he should have insisted on visiting on the very birthday itself in spite of really being too tired to do so. It is futile to blame oneself for action not taken when you did what was best from what option and knowledge was known to you at the time. Would you blame my dad for not visiting? If not, no more should you feel guilty over not being able to do more for your mum, either, when you've already have done all what was in your reasonable power given what little was known about the facts at the time.

I'm so very sorry for your loss OP. You can't force someone to get help and this is not your fault, you did as much as you could for her and I'm sure she knew you loved her.

Soft Soft ((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))

So sorry for your loss. My mum died of cancer and by the time she'd died we'd done most of our mourning. Sudden death is much harder for the people left behind, but very much more preferable for our loved ones. Your mother was very lucky to have you.

Thank you all so much for your messages and support, they are greatly appreciated. There are some very wise words in them that I will take on board and have given me some comfort. I'm so sorry to those of you who have also lost loved ones.

I do take slight comfort from the fact that yes, it probably was too late to save her when I went, and that she probably would have been carted off to hospital, terrified, and died there instead. She remained independent till the end and died in her own home as she would have wished. I'm also glad I went up in the week, as if I'd have left it to the weekend her cat would probably have died too, she adored her cat. I just wish I'd be nicer and more understanding :(.

Sorry for TMI, but she did tell me she had vomited brown liquid, but she also told me she'd eaten at my sister's very recently. It was only later I found out that that had actually been a couple of weeks before, and think if only I had have known I would have checked. It was only after she died I saw where it wasn't quite cleared up, and it was clearly blood she had been vomiting. I just didn't think, took her at face value when she said it was a bug. In hindsight, it also appears she told my DS her hernia was hurting, so yes, she must have deliberately not have told me that as well. She'd also not flushed the toilet and from the colour of her urine it was clear she was very dehydrated- I'm glad though that at least I managed two get some cold water to her, she must have needed that far more than she let on.

It's just all so sad. She was a complete pain a lot of the time, but a total character, a really talented singer and ever so beautiful in her younger years. Yes, it was difficult not to feel bitter and resentful at times for things she had done and the trouble she could cause me, but I adored her regardless, though I doubt she knew just how much. It's just such a sad way for it all to end. We just somehow felt like she was sort of invincible, she remained young in her outlook, looks and physical health despite neglecting herself so much. She used to embarrass the hell out of my DC's by having dup stepz or garage blasting from her stereo when she picked them up ( although generally she had very good taste!), and was the ultimate mad cat lady ( she had 8 at one point!). How could we not have loved her? Writing that in the past tense still feels so wrong and incomprehensible.

I really had best try and get a couple of hours sleep now before the DC's wake. I'v been almost scared to sleep at all lately, as I can't stand it when I was up and the horrible reality dawns once again like a punch in the stomach. It feels like I'm being told all her again and it's awful.

Again, thank you for the support, I don't feel quite so alone now, and talking is helping me I think.

The waking up and dawning realisation that she's gone would be the same however she had gone, I believe. My mum died 10 years ago from bowel cancer, in hospital, with her immediate family by her side, and we STILL all got that feeling.

She does sound like an amazing lady - painful at times but still amazing - and I think you have to accept that she has done it "her way" rather than in hospital with all sorts of invasive procedures. My mum did it "her way" to an extent - she didn't get herself checked when she started to feel unwell, and by the time she did end up in hospital, nothing could be done for her except to keep her comfortable.

YOu can't help people who don't want to be helped that way -- you have to allow them the autonomy to do it the way they want to, however upsetting that is to you personally.

Big (((hugs))) - it's an awful time now but you will get through it. xx