Trigger warning (suicide) - I don't know how to deal with this [thread edited by MNHQ]

[tofollowtheclouds]

I really don't know what to do or think so sorry if this is a bit garbled.

I posted recently about how I'd asked my partner to move out as things were not going well. I asked him to move out with the intention of getting my own identity back and for him to sort out a few issues that I'd tried my hardest to help him with but he just wouldn't. The problem is I thought I needed to be cruel to be kind and told him it was completely over (I didn't mean this) so when he asked me if we had a future I told him no I needed space to think and that he needed to go.

We live in a very small place and in his mind he had nowhere to go but he really did, he had family and friends telling him to come to theirs.

He went out last Sunday and I wouldn't go out with him, anyway he apparently had a great time and was on top form making jokes and plans etc.

I woke up in the morning thinking he hadn't come home but then went down to the living room/kitchen (open plan town house with livingroom/kitchen on first floor and spare bedroom and shower room on bottom floor) and saw the kitchen drawer open so knew he had been home and just thought he was downstairs sleeping off a hangover. I made crumpets and watched the news then went upstairs for a bath then went to go downstairs to go out. I saw him through the bannister and said what the fuck are you just standing there for (on the stairs) but when I went down and round the corner bit he wasn't "standing" on the stairs he was hanging from them!!

What the fuck do I do about that!! It happened just over a week ago now and I've done the anger and the days off falling apart and now I just don't know what to actually do. I've been to see my family and his and now I'm home. I have to have all the lights on and I have to have the tv or radio on at all times. But in a strange way I feel ok about being in the house, well when I'm awake and there's lights and tv on at least anyway.

What do I do now. How am I suppose to feel. I want to and need to keep going and to work etc and at the moment I'm kind of doing that but I can't sleep and I can't do "the normal things" like tidying up or shopping and I don't really know anyone enough there to completely rely on and I want to talk but there is seriously no help here.

How the fuck do I keep going and keep normal. How do I manage to sleep at night, how do I find a way to not allow those images into my head.

And why do I feel so calm on the outside but yet so scared on the inside.

Please someone tell me what to do

Sending you very much love and sympathy. You have had a tremendous shock and it is most likely going to take a very long time to process. You might find you will go through the stages of grief differently or over again, like you might go through an angry stage again as things hit you in different moments.

Things are still so raw... a week is no time whatsoever when you have been bereaved. In terms of what you're 'supposed' to do, there isn't really anything you are supposed to do other than take care of yourself hour by hour and survive each day as you slowly get used to what has happened.

You do need to eat, so if it's hard for you to get to the shops perhaps you can do an online shop or if you don't have online grocers you could at least start by making a list.

People on MN will listen, if you want to talk.

For sleeping, can you go to your GP to talk about some safe medication to help you sleep?

I've been to my GP and been given diazepam but I don't want to take them to much. I have taken one on a couple of nights but need to get through this without them.

I live on a small island and can't do online shopping etc but I can and have been to the shop but only for one or two items, I can't imagine doing a proper shop again.

My house is a mess but I'm scared to tidy up

I find myself doing normal things but then get scared and stop as I don't know what I should be doing. My logical side says get on with things as nothing bad can happen but then I get scared.

I need him to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok but he can't do that now.

I feel so guilty that I didn't tell him I love him. I feel guilty for going back to work today but what else can I do.

It's not your fault. No matter how many moments you feel guilty or anxious about the what-ifs, this was his choice and his choice alone. It is simply a tragedy that happened, like any other accident. The things you said and did were so normal and reasonable for any relationship going through struggles. How were you to know he might make this choice. It's just not your fault at all even though it's really natural to have those thoughts. Suicide is a whole other world of bereavement because of all those painful thoughts in those left behind.

The isolation sounds very hard :( you can get through this but it sounds quite lonely being far from your family. Is there any kind of community service or help centre at all there? What are your work colleagues like, are they kind and sympathetic?

Well done for going to the doctor by the way.

I was in a very similar situation 20 years ago. I really feel for you op I remember the feelings all too vividly.

Grief mixed with fear and guilt. Please take what the doctor has given you to help you through the worst of the early days. It will take time for you to process and get your head around what has happened.

I had a wonderful friend that basically moved in with me for the first few months. Do you have anyone at all that could come and be with you for a while? I promise it helps, even just having someone there to occupy your thoughts for a while.

I actually couldn't stay in our house any longer so was given a homeless house by the local council until I had sold mine and could move on. You may find you feel this way as time goes on. Would moving back with your family be a feasible option that you would consider? On tap support and being away from the place that will replay the images that you are trying to keep out might be a help.

Sending you all my love

I have to find a way of living in our house as there isn't any where else for me to live. I will out myself here but I live on alderney and as we rented and I can't afford to move along with the lack of places to move to I have no choice.

I have friends to stop with in the short term but I would still have to come back here and I don't want anybody else on the house as any noise will make me think it's him.

Work are being great in that I can come and go as I feel the need to as though I feel I need to be at work there is also things I need to do and to be honest I can't concentrate on work but need to be there.

I'm flying over to guernsey tomorrow to see him and make sure he's ok, I took him some clothes and chocolate yesterday so hopefully he'll be feeling at peace.

How are you doing @tofollowtheclouds ?

I hope visiting him brought you some peace. I hope the funeral will be soon, I know how protracted these things can be under the circumstances. Sending you love

Thanks @lastkisstoo

I'm just trying to take each day at a time and do as many "normal" things as I can such as going to work who have been great as I'm not actually much use at the moment but they don't mind.

It's the things like going to do a food shop etc that I'm dreading.

Going to see him helped me a lot, it gave me a chance to ask him all the questions I have and have a lovely chat with him. He also looked so peaceful and at ease, all the stress had gone from his face.

Some moments of the day are like nothing has even happened but then this emptiness just hits me all other again and I can't stop shaking.

Work is probably a good thing for you right now just to fill some of your time and keep your mind busy.

Do you have someone that can shop with you? or shop online as @emesis suggests? I hope you have company when visiting him etc, you shouldn't be going through this on your own

How are you feeling today? It was not your fault. Mental illness is unpredictable and all consuming. Don't feel scared in your own home, he cared for you and would want you to be strong. Time is a great healer, you have to try and do things you normally would do. Be strong. We are here for you.

Just checking in this morning. How are you holding up? Do you have any support in real life?

We are here for you when you are ready to talk.

I've had an ok day today apart from almost having a melt down in the shop buying bread.

I brought his clothes in from the line that had been there since and I've washed them again so they are all nice and clean now.

I'm going to meet his best friend for a drink in a bit to get out of the house too.

Are you managing to eat and sleep ok? Glad to see you are still working. I notice your GP has given you some diazepam - does it help? I can understand you not want to take it but it might be just the thing to help you in the short term. In the long term could you ask your doctor to refer you for counselling.

Why does shopping affect you? Is it a very close knit community on Alderney - I suspect it is. Could someone else do your shopping for you?

Anyway - these are for you and please feel free to rant/offload on here. We are here for you.

I'm glad you are meeting his friend, I hope you will both be a comfort for each other.

I second what Claire suggests. Could someone do your shopping for you until such time as you can face the world? Or even shop online?

I'm glad you are still posting, we will do anything we can to help

I'm so sorry for your loss, mental illness is so complicated and awful.

If you need to talk, people here will listen x

tofollow how are you doing today?

I've checked in a few times to see if you had posted. Thinking about you today, hope all is as well as it can be

I still don't know what to do although I'm now finding out what I can't do such as work.

The whole thing just isn't real as he wouldn't actually do this although obviously he did.

Everything is just bullshit. I want to scream at the world and tell people off of they are laughing and enjoying themselves which is so wrong.

I am now living in this little bubble where although I know it's happened it's easier to just pretend that it hasn't though that doesn't always work.

It really is just all bullshit and I can't do this.

It is very early days. Of course you are going to feel as if you are in a bubble and want to scream. This is grief. Your world has changed significantly and everyone around you is carrying on with their life and you feel it it wrong and disrespectful to your partners memory.

Is there a local bereavement counselling group such as Cruse -
www.cruse.org.uk that you can contact or maybe counselling via the GP?

Anyway, we are here for you and will support you any way we can

Do you have real-life support? Friends and family around?

Lean on them right now. Just being around the normality of other people's lives takes you out of your mind and stops, for a wee while, you thinking about what has happened.

It is a horrible horrible thing that has happened to you, and it will take some time before these initial feelings start to wane.

In the meantime please be kind to yourself, and remember we are here to listen

I made the mistake of looking through his phone the other day.

His messages ect all fine, nothing out of the ordinary but then I checked his search history and exactly the week before to the day he had been looking up suicide sites and googling how to hang yourself and how to tie a noose ect.

I thought that was bad but then I found a suicide note in his "note" addressed to me again written the week before so he had been planning this for a bloody week!! I don't know if he meant to do it the week before but then changed his mind but then that night when he came in and had had a few drinks he must have just thought fuck it.

How the hell did I not notice he was feeling this way, how the hell did I live under the same roof as somebody and not notice for a whole week that he was seriously planning on taking his own life!

I just can't get my head round any of it at all.

Oh clouds, I'm so so sorry for your loss. I know that for many people who end their own lives it is usually completely out of the blue - it is actually an attempt to 'protect' those close to them and ensure they go through with it. Please know that it wasn't your fault, he was clearly very ill.

I lived with someone too. And saw nothing to warn me of his intention.

Suicide is not always an impulsive act, and people intent on taking their own life usually do not let on to anyone what they are planning or how they feel. Please do not question yourself about how you could have missed the signs. There most likely were none.

Sadly they do not have the capacity to understand the impact it has on loved ones left behind. The mental anguish, wondering what they were feeling/going through. I comfort myself with the fact that had he understood that he would never have left us in the way that he did.

Please do not try to make sense of it. That way madness lies. I don't think any of us can truly understand.

It is still very early days for you and you will have to work through these feelings/thoughts. Your world has been shattered and your feelings will be so complex you won't be able to make head nor tail of them. I tell you this as I don't want you to feel that you are not normal.

I didn't find bereavement counselling worked for me, but everyone is different. I would suggest trying a support group for survivors of suicide, as they will understand that your grief is much more complex than from a 'normal' loss.

Keep talking, and please accept support from real life friends and family

When you are ready you could have a look at this...

www.allianceofhope.org/alliance-of-hope-for-suic/community-forum.html