Trigger warning (suicide) - I don't know how to deal with this [thread edited by MNHQ]

[tofollowtheclouds]

I really don't know what to do or think so sorry if this is a bit garbled.

I posted recently about how I'd asked my partner to move out as things were not going well. I asked him to move out with the intention of getting my own identity back and for him to sort out a few issues that I'd tried my hardest to help him with but he just wouldn't. The problem is I thought I needed to be cruel to be kind and told him it was completely over (I didn't mean this) so when he asked me if we had a future I told him no I needed space to think and that he needed to go.

We live in a very small place and in his mind he had nowhere to go but he really did, he had family and friends telling him to come to theirs.

He went out last Sunday and I wouldn't go out with him, anyway he apparently had a great time and was on top form making jokes and plans etc.

I woke up in the morning thinking he hadn't come home but then went down to the living room/kitchen (open plan town house with livingroom/kitchen on first floor and spare bedroom and shower room on bottom floor) and saw the kitchen drawer open so knew he had been home and just thought he was downstairs sleeping off a hangover. I made crumpets and watched the news then went upstairs for a bath then went to go downstairs to go out. I saw him through the bannister and said what the fuck are you just standing there for (on the stairs) but when I went down and round the corner bit he wasn't "standing" on the stairs he was hanging from them!!

What the fuck do I do about that!! It happened just over a week ago now and I've done the anger and the days off falling apart and now I just don't know what to actually do. I've been to see my family and his and now I'm home. I have to have all the lights on and I have to have the tv or radio on at all times. But in a strange way I feel ok about being in the house, well when I'm awake and there's lights and tv on at least anyway.

What do I do now. How am I suppose to feel. I want to and need to keep going and to work etc and at the moment I'm kind of doing that but I can't sleep and I can't do "the normal things" like tidying up or shopping and I don't really know anyone enough there to completely rely on and I want to talk but there is seriously no help here.

How the fuck do I keep going and keep normal. How do I manage to sleep at night, how do I find a way to not allow those images into my head.

And why do I feel so calm on the outside but yet so scared on the inside.

Please someone tell me what to do

And this...

www.healthtalk.org/Living_with_dying/Bereavement_due_to_suicide/Topic/2295/

I didn't have a pc or internet when I lost my love sadly. From what I am reading as I search these seem to be really good places of support and information from people who have been in your shoes.

Much love

It was not your fault, it was out of your control. He would have been suffering with mental health problems. Maybe paranoia, depression, hallucinations, who knows? He made plans. Was secretive. Suicidal thoughts take over. Initially there is the idea of leaving friends and family behind which helps control the impulses. But the intention gets stronger and stronger and takes over your thoughts completely at which point you become so self contained in your own bubble that you think loved ones are better off without you. Finally you become detached from family and friends, the thoughts become so strong that it is impossible to control. I speak from personal experience.

Checking in @tofollowtheclouds to see how you are doing

tofollow What a terrible shock for you. I'm so very sorry There isn't anything that you are supposed to feel or do, except not blame yourself.

I'm at my aunts house now because I just don't know what to do or feel. It's all just bulllshit

All bullshit, I get that. So confusing, all the conflicting thoughts and emotions you're experiencing. I've been thinking of you, trying to imagine myself in your position, how I would feel. Overwhelming; emotional overload, too much to process. Like a survivor of a tsunami. Please keep posting; we're all here to listen and support you. Much love.

I'm glad you are at your aunt's. I really feel that being away from your house will give you the space to start to process what has happened without being somewhere with such stark reminders all around.

I hope your aunt is supporting you.

It really is just bullshit. All of it. So so incredibly unfair and utterly devastating. Please believe me though it WILL get easier. It takes time though. Please surround yourself with as much support and kindness as you can to help you through the worst

@tofollowtheclouds hope you're doing ok

Today (as far as I know) is his funeral. I can't go because of someone whom I'm not going to discuss on here but where is my chance to say goodbye.

I'm sorry to hear that you don't feel you have a choice on whether to attend the funeral. Do you want to go?

In my experience deaths by suicide split families apart. People in their grief point fingers of blame. So the funeral tends to be fraught and tense - piled on top of the grief.

Is there somewhere you can go to remember him and say goodbye? Is he buried somewhere or are his ashes scattered somewhere you can go?

I never said goodbye to my husband at his funeral (which was awful for the reasons mentioned above). I talk to him often and think about him every day, for me there is no goodbye he will always be with me. So for that reason I didn't need that to move on if you know what I mean?

I hope that you get a chance to visit his grave/ashes site if it will help you gain closure.

I hope I am helping, it is hard for me to distance myself enough to give impartial advice. For you

I read many threads here rather dispassionately, but Clouds I am keenly feeling your shock and pain. I'm so sorry, I have no words for you and I don't know what to say. I hope you can continue to put one foot in front of the other until this agony and disbelief starts to ease.

Clouds I still think of you often. I hope you are doing ok and life is being kind to you

I just want to say I am so sorry for your loss and the pain your experiencing. This isnt your fault, every relationship has bad times and rough patches, it not your fault that he did what he did, you werent to know. You will make it thru this bad time. I am sorry to just jump in this thread but I am sending u love and hugs. so sorry xxx

My brother also commited suicide at 34yrs old 4years ago, for a long time I was tied in knots asking why and how did we not know etc etc but got to a point of acceptance, having to accept that there are many questions we will never have answers to. I still find it hard to 100% accept but it is what it is. I've come to realise that this wasn't a selfish act, rather a sad one and desperate. Give yourself time, be kind to yourself and most importantly take one day at a time, do not put pressure on yourself to be/feel/act a certain way, just acknowledge and allow yourself to feel the way you actually do xx

Thank you all for your kind messages.

I'm currently on my way home, I got half way home a few days ago but then freaked out and went to stay with some family for a few more days.

I need to get back as I need to get back to work (no pressure from my employers but need to for my own sanity to have some sort of routine again).

His parents and sister are flying over to where we live next month to bring him home to me. We are going to have a small memorial service with his friends and plant a tree and his ashes with it so he can help it grow.

I'm sat on the train now on the way to the airport and feeling sick. My boss is meeting me at my change over airport (he happens to be there for a meeting) to give me support on the last flight home.

After the initial shock and disbelief I have spent the last few weeks in a complete bubble, almost ignoring the fact that he has gone but now I must go back to reality and face up to what has happened.

I just want to keep running for the rest of my life but unfortunately without a lottery win that is impossible, plus the fact that you can't run from yourself and your thoughts/feelings.

Our house is no longer a home, it's cold and soulless now and it's going to be so so very quiet.

Oh how truly awful I am so sorry for your loss, tofollowtheclouds , I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling.