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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

My world feels over

83 replies

annielouisa · 01/05/2017 11:18

My lovely husband died suddenly yesterday. No illness, no warning, just gone. I feel numb and confused l just do not know what to do.

OP posts:

MissRainbowBrite · 04/05/2017 16:29

I was 24 when I lost my DH to an aortic aneurysm, he was just 31.
It was completely out of the blue, we didn't have children but I can understand the sense of shock you feel. My DH was taken to hospital around 11am with a pain in his abdomen and by 10pm that night had died. The doctors weren't looking for something like that in someone his age so didn't identify it until it was too late and I was told that even if they did operate it was very risky. The shock hit me like a steam train and it took me a long time to grieve.
Thinking of you and sending hugs.

Original poster

annielouisa · 04/05/2017 18:54

MissRainbowBrite l am so sorry for your loss at such a young age. I know the shock is overwhelming l am trying to be strong for tge famiky but its so painful. I remember screaming at consultant when he told what am l going to do he was world. My heart shattered into a million pieces.

OP posts:

Goingtobeawesome · 04/05/2017 18:59

annielouisa, I am so sorry for your loss .

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 04/05/2017 19:01

So sorry, Annie.

MissRainbowBrite · 04/05/2017 19:14

It's 14 years since he died but there are still times it hits me, we'd been together 7 years and married for 2.
I felt in shock for a long time and feeling such a sense of injustice at the whole world. Just try and remember to talk about your DH lots and try not to bottle your feelings up. I can still clearly remember the heartbreaking scream my MIL let out as she heard the news from the doctor.
I had lots of kind words given to me but one that stuck with me from someone who'd been through losing a partner was that it never stops hurting but you slowly learn to put the feelings in a box in your heart and let them out when you feel you can. It's very early days and you probably feel like telling the world to F off with their advice but it really does get easier in time

dontbesillyhenry · 04/05/2017 19:14

I'm so sorry

Original poster

annielouisa · 04/05/2017 21:47

Today was hard as every Thursday we take my mum who has vascular dementia out for tea. She is heartbroken about my DH but without usual routines she was getting depressed. So tonight we went for a meal. I fought my way through the meal but l was glad l did it. I actually ate a bit of a salad xxx

OP posts:

wtffgs · 04/05/2017 21:49

I am so sorry

April229 · 04/05/2017 22:29

I don't even know what to type to offer any words of comfort annielousia, this is such an awful position to be in but didn't want to read the above and say nothing. Whatever your feeling is fine to feel, just do what feels right to get through the next few days xx

echt · 04/05/2017 22:48

I'd like to second what endofthline said about taking your time over funeral arrangements. Without being patronising, you'll make decisions that better satisfy and comfort you. Speaking from experience, funeral director thrive on hurry. They are a business first and last.

Sorry to sound such downer.

All the best.

Hopeandpaige · 05/05/2017 12:04

I'm not going to say I no how you feel.. But I have been in the dark place where you are now.. The place where you feel small,angry and almost like your not even in control of your body it's almost like you have been replaced with a temporary soul. I lost my daughter in October and I held her as she went cold in my arms so I understand the rawness, I'm still in that place myself, only advice I can give is don't rush it! Dont worry about your raw pain it needs to be there.. Don't rush to want it all to be gone you will understand how important this sore time is.. You need to greive!

Original poster

annielouisa · 05/05/2017 18:01

I am so grateful for the support recieved today from all the DC as we went to the organise his funeral. We then were able to see him which was such a relief for us all.

OP posts:

Original poster

annielouisa · 06/05/2017 23:35

Feeling really worried about DS1 he has mental health issues and LD and is as everyone devestated but does not have any coping mechanisms . His siblings are supportive but are hurting themselves and his melt downs are legendary. He is supported by the mental health team but l am so concerned that l will have to deal another crisis when l just do not feel equipped to xxx

OP posts:

user1490395938 · 07/05/2017 23:14

Sending hugs annalouisa, thinking of you xxx

Original poster

annielouisa · 10/05/2017 15:44

Saw him yesterday in the clothes we chose felt better. He still looks like my lovely man. I put a card in with him that said how l feel . The children had left teddies and flowers an Tea bags. It is still so unreal xxx

OP posts:

Chasingsquirrels · 10/05/2017 16:28

Glad that seeing him was 'okay'.
Just one step at a time annielousia.
Hugs x

Original poster

annielouisa · 13/05/2017 10:08

Sad today we were due to go on our much longed for holiday to Rhodes. I am instead worrying about my family and organising a funeral l am churning up inside.

OP posts:

thesunwillout · 13/05/2017 22:10

Hi, again I'm so sorry. It's so unfair. Xx

Original poster

annielouisa · 14/05/2017 01:30

I know it does feel unfair spent mum of the day with my mum. Got too see 4 year old DGS for the first time and he hugged me so closely. The 2nd loss of DGP in his young life. I feel as though we are hurtling towards the funeral and l am so scared.

OP posts:

Original poster

annielouisa · 14/05/2017 13:13

Not a great day my DD2 is so upset and l feel awful . Two weeks ago l was at work dreaming of my holiday and hours later my life changed. I no longer know who l am l feel sad, numb and so confused. I feel l am not grieving the way l should.

Where do l go from here what am l to do l just do not know?

OP posts:

AgathaMystery · 15/05/2017 22:01

I'm so sorry for your loss he sounds like a lovely lovely man.

echt · 16/05/2017 09:56

I feel l am not grieving the way l should.

I was about to post that there is no way to grieve, then realised even that sounded like a "should". The rule is there is no rule. Sounds like Fight Club.

It's horrible, and two weeks in there's so much to do and to fix, especially with responsibilities like DS1 and your DM mean that you put aside yourself for a while. Nearly a year on I can now see why the one step at a time mantra, that frankly gave me the pip at the time, is so true.

lucyandpoppy123 · 16/05/2017 20:17

OP
re: feeling you aren't grieiving 'as you should'. I felt like this for months after my dad died. I felt fine. I did cry and found it difficult to fall asleep at night but otherwise felt fine/normal. Like your DH my dad died very suddenly - he was young and there was very little warning he just dropped down dead in the kitchen. So looking back I can see although I felt 'fine' it was probably just adrenaline/shock reaction until a couple of months later when it properly hit me. In fact its been 5 months and I still feel as though it hasn't 100% hit me although day by day i'm coming to terms with the reality of it. Whatever you are feeling is 100% okay

Original poster

annielouisa · 17/05/2017 00:52

Thank you for your kind words. Tomorrow is the funeral l feel so scared l am worried that it won't be the day l want for him. So many things could go wrong I seem to have tied myself in knots trying to please everyone else. I just so want to say farewell to my wonderful man .

OP posts:

Chasingsquirrels · 17/05/2017 08:44

Thinking of you today annielouisa x

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