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Bereavement

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Original poster

Friend's (adult) son committed suicide, need to share it but be warned, am in shock.

27 replies

Elibean · 10/03/2007 20:01

..she rang me today, and is obviously totally shocked and distraught. It happened on Monday, and his body was being flown home today (whats left of it, he jumped from a 20th floor).
I think I needed to share it somewhere safe, because I'm now also shocked and upset - though I did'nt know him at all - and wondering how best to support her. And maybe also how to do so without overloading myself - I tend to do that, and I need to be a bit careful, with a 3 month old and a 3 yr old to look after and not much sleep.
She's not a close friend, but we've a few things in common and I was there for her when she was involved in the July 7th train attacks (which she has just started receiving counselling for, thankfully). Which I can only guess is why she should call me to tell me her news, which is a bit odd in itself (we see each other maybe once a year,in a group of other women, and don't chat on the phone etc).
If anyone has any thoughts to share on supporting a woman with three young children, bereaved of her eldest son (he was 30, if that makes any difference) through suicide, I'd really appreciate them - I said I'd call her again at the beginning of next week, as she's away tomorrow and I had my three year old in floods of tears and my baby sqawking to feed while she was on the phone.
I'm so shocked and for her.

OP posts:
lulumama · 10/03/2007 20:03

compassionate friends excellent website for parents who have lost a child....}

i am so very sorry for your friend's loss

and sorry that you are feeling so distraught and sad

it is so against the natural order of things when a child dies in any circumstances.

am very sorry and wish i could offer some more help. (((hug))) for you

ohsmellyjelly · 10/03/2007 20:04

Message withdrawn

beansprout · 10/03/2007 20:05

My cousin died in the same way. Suicide is very hard to come to terms with. All you can do is listen, support and do what you can. Just be there for her, you can't take her pain away and just offer what you can. It doesn't sound like you are so close that she will want to turn to you for a level of support that you couldn't sustain, so just do what you can, when you can.

I'm so sorry to hear of her loss.

fairyfly · 10/03/2007 20:05

Gosh, reading this is shocking, third one i have heard about this week, a mother from round here has done the same, left two little boys, what is going on!

So sorry for you x

Original poster
Elibean · 10/03/2007 20:06

Sorry, taht sounds so disjointed - suppose what might help most is any info on support groups for families affected by suicide?? Something like that I could pass on to her. She said the worst thing was trying to 'be ok' for her kids, and that he had rung her to say goodbye and tell her he loved her but couldn't go on. Just awful.

OP posts:
foxinsocks · 10/03/2007 20:07

how awful

here's the survivors of bereavement by suicide - SOBS - website

one of dh's colleague's sons died this way - I think he may have written something about it. I'll have a look.

ohsmellyjelly · 10/03/2007 20:07

Message withdrawn

lulumama · 10/03/2007 20:09

the compassionate friends site will be good

my mum is a counsellor and recommended it when my friend;s nephew died suddenly at new year...

she says it is well know and excellent..

i imagine the samaritans and
CRUSE bereavement care are also well known and can point your friend in the right direction

Original poster
Elibean · 10/03/2007 20:10

Wow, thanks guys - that wasw fast! x posted. Lulu, hello, and thanks - exactly what I was after.

No, not close, met online in an IF support group - and have met IRL about three or four times over the years. But for some reason she contacts me whenever she has big emotional upsets.

I do'nt feel right telling any of the others in the group (who I am closer to) about it, because its not mine to tell - but I also felt I needed to share it somewhere to lessen my own shock, before I affect my own family. IME shock is both physical, and contagious -and best shared in safe places that can absorb it without damage!

Thanks for providing one...

OP posts:
LilyLoo · 10/03/2007 20:11

god how terrible! All you can do is offer an ear to her and let her lead you. It sounds as if she wants to talk as she let you know but she may feel different next week as she will still be in shock. Just be a friend but don't overburden yourself as this iseasy to do in situations like this. (hugs)

Original poster
Elibean · 10/03/2007 20:11

HI foxy, just xposted some more - thanks, knew I could rely on you lot [watery smile]

OP posts:
LaDiDaDi · 10/03/2007 20:12

I have know specific experience of the circumstances that you describe but a few years ago my great uncle committed suiced after the death of his wife. He clearly planned it very carefully; he left a note and a knife for the neighbour who he knew would find him to cut him down with as well as his money for the newspaper that her knew the neighbour would be calling in with.

We as a family were all quite close and his death was a huge shock to us all, especially coming so quickly after the death of my great aunt.

My grandfather was very angry with his beloved brother for the way he had bereaved his daughter and grandchildren. Your friend's grief may turn to anger quite quickly too. I believe that there is a support group for people bereaved through suicide but I can't remember the name of it for you. Your friend may also question her son's love for her as wll as the undoubted questioning of her own actions and wondering if she could have done more or forseen events.

My dp had a friend who also committed suiced several years ago and it deeply affected him and all of his friends.

My best friend's fil also committed suicide and I know that her dh has really struggled to forgive his father enough to mourn him and the good times they had.

I'm very sorry for your friend but I would be careful, as you note, not to over burden yourself.

satinshoes · 10/03/2007 20:14

eli - just read this. not much i can say but i share your shock! how sad.

will just say, try not to take it all on yourself as you have tiddlers to concentrate on and that is a hard enough job in itself.

see you on postnatal thread soon xx

Original poster
Elibean · 10/03/2007 20:17

V good point re the anger, LaDiDa. I have come across a couple of similar situations in the past (but not of children) and I think suicide often involves a lot of anger, conscious or not.

And I appreciate the reinforcement of needing to protect myself - I know I need to, just hard not to feel guilty doing it IYKWIM. Hence thinking giving her info re other support. If she's getting help in other places, I know I'll feel better able to listen to her in my appropriate role of not-hugely-close friend and not get too enmeshed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Elibean · 10/03/2007 20:17

thanks satin xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
Elibean · 10/03/2007 20:28

BEansprout and Ladida, I'm sorry you have personal experience of suicide. Special thanks. xxx

OP posts:
tigermoth · 10/03/2007 20:29

oh, how very sad. Do you think your friend has a close knowledge of her son's lifestyle and friends? It might help her to make contact with his close friends, who will also be in a state of shock and grief.

I do know of a death like this, a friend of my dh's, long ago. He too threw himself from a tower block. He seemed such a sunny, postive and happy person, with a job and a lovely girlfriend, but he had money and drug problems. His friends knew much more about this side of his life than his parents did, but still felt it was extremely unexpected as he was generally a very together, kind and much loved person.

Original poster
Elibean · 10/03/2007 20:35

I don't know, tbh, because I don't know much about her older kids (from former marriage). My guess is that he has suffered from depression for a long time, but I'm only guessing based on a few things she's said.

I think he lived in Vienna, so imagine she doesn't know a lot of his friends - but again, only guessing. I'll ask her, though - thanks.

OP posts:
triplets · 11/03/2007 21:39

Hi Elibean,
Think we have talked together before. The best people to contact is the Compassionate Friends as mentioned. They are based in Bristol but have offices in other countries. Everyone there is there because they have lost a child, regardless of childs age or circumstances. I sadly have been a member since 1994 after I lost my beloved Matthew. I still get the newsletter and suicide is a very common death, it always shocks me how many cases there are. I also have a very good friend who is Dutch, living in Holland. Four years ago on the 26th March her 24yr old only child, her son, climbed 220 steps to the top of their local town hall, took off all his clothes, folded them neatly and jumped, awful. I have known him since he was a little boy, I just couldn`t believe it. I would be happy to contact your friend if it would help.

GRUMPYGIRL · 11/03/2007 21:42

I had a friend whose boyfried commited suicide and what she found hardest was that she WANTED to talk about him and everyone just avoided talking about it because they didnt know what to say.

GRUMPYGIRL · 11/03/2007 21:43

boyfriend even!

castlesintheair · 12/03/2007 08:51

Hi Eli, hope you are okay? It's a horrible thing and I am so sorry for your friend. The worst thing is the guilt you feel because you feel you might have been able to prevent it, if only ... Like someone said, people can be quite embarrassed about suicide/not know what to say and maybe your friend is grasping around a bit at the moment for comfort. I can understand why she'd ring you anyway. Don't overburden yourself xxx

Original poster
Elibean · 12/03/2007 20:08

Thanks, Castles Triplet and GG

Yes, I'm ok thanks. Twas my birthday yesterday, and what with rushing around getting the two dds ready for a day out of London and being spoilt by dh, I was well distracted and put back into daily life! But today, I must either email or phone my friend. I think I'll email her and give her all the links MNers have so kindly provided, then phone her later in the week.

Hi Triplets, yes of course we 'met' before - and thanks for the offer of help, thats kind and I'll mention it to her.

Will update!

OP posts:
fussymummy · 14/03/2007 12:07

Just read this, what awful news.
How do you continue after a tragedy like this.

I have a really good friend who called me on monday, to say that a woman he has been friends with for more than 30 years has killed herself last week.

She comes from reading in berkshire and has children as well.

I wish i knew more about what happened so that i could help him to deal with it a bit better.

He's so cut up about it as well, he just wont talk to anyone!

Sorry for the long post but its upsetting me so much to see him so sad and not knowing any of the circumstances isn't helping him either.

If anyone comes from Reading and knows anything please let me know. Thanks.

ggglimpopo · 14/03/2007 12:09

Triplets - I no longer have your email address. Could you contact me please?

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