Please stop me being so angry

[NotReallyMeToday]

I found out today that my sister and best friend has days to live.

I’m devastated. I’m also stupidly angry, which I know is unreasonable, but I just want to rage at the world. I’ve been reading Facebook and MN and I keep wanting to post stupid angry posts screaming at people for caring about parking, or bad traffic, or the quality of their sandwiches today when they are alive, and their loved one are alive and how the hell does that stuff even matter?

I know if course it matters. I care about little things too and I know as well I’m being unsympathetic (silently, inside) about big painful things too – I wanted to yell at a friend of mine for bitching about ex, even though I know her heartbreak matters too. But I’m just so angry.

Please help me calm down. I have to be on good form for the hospital tonight and then I’ve got to be nice for the next few weeks. I don’t know why I’m feeling this way – god knows, my sister wouldn’t ask this of me. She’s one of the loveliest, gentlest people I’ve ever known. I’m being horrible and I don’t know why.

Many for you, NotReally.

When my DH died suddenly last year, I couldn't eat either. A friend later described it, in terms of a relative's reaction to an astounding series of bereavements as: when you're so full of sorrow/grief/anger there's no room for anything else so you don't want eat. When it dies down, there's a hole that you fill with something, e.g. food, alcohol and drugs in an unfortunate way, useful activity in a helpful one.

I found it really helpful, though the hole in my life is full of work and managing money.

Just sending love. Please think about getting signed off.

It's funny how much of a fraud you feel getting signed off. I did this a couple of months ago when I lost my dad and I couldn't help thinking 'But I'm not ill, I feel OK, I'm not breaking down all over the place...' (I was actually having tearful moments quite regularly). I needed that time off. And so do you.