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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Please stop me being so angry

53 replies

NotReallyMeToday · 13/04/2017 14:37

I found out today that my sister and best friend has days to live.

I’m devastated. I’m also stupidly angry, which I know is unreasonable, but I just want to rage at the world. I’ve been reading Facebook and MN and I keep wanting to post stupid angry posts screaming at people for caring about parking, or bad traffic, or the quality of their sandwiches today when they are alive, and their loved one are alive and how the hell does that stuff even matter?

I know if course it matters. I care about little things too and I know as well I’m being unsympathetic (silently, inside) about big painful things too – I wanted to yell at a friend of mine for bitching about ex, even though I know her heartbreak matters too. But I’m just so angry.

Please help me calm down. I have to be on good form for the hospital tonight and then I’ve got to be nice for the next few weeks. I don’t know why I’m feeling this way – god knows, my sister wouldn’t ask this of me. She’s one of the loveliest, gentlest people I’ve ever known. I’m being horrible and I don’t know why.

OP posts:

Report

Bottlesoflove · 14/04/2017 00:19

I lost one of my friends the day they announced the brexit result. Then my brother died around the time they decided to impose the junior doctor contract (I am a jd). Although I could rationalise that under normal circumstances I would be angered too by these events, I had to come off Facebook as I wanted to fucking scream at everyone posting dramatics "NONE OF THIS FUCKING MATTERS! NOONE HAS DIED - YOU ARE STILL BREATHING AND SO ARE THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE!" So I do get it.

I am so sorry about your sister.

Expat38matt · 14/04/2017 06:31

I'm so sorry about your sister I cannot even imagine the feeling.
I know I'd be raging too and also feel bad about the many times I was irritated by her in a normal sister way!!
It doesn't compare but when my friend recently died it seemed so weird that the world carried on as normal. You just can't be angry at others who don't feel as you do but you can TELL people what's happening to you even if their reaction is uncomfortable- who cares ?!! The point is if you hide what you're going through you can't be upset if others are not empathetic to you

Also I cannot believe your employer would not agree to time off while your sibling is sick. I own a business with my spouse and like to think of an employee needed time off for this reason , and then quite possibly beareavement leave later, this would not be questioned or penalized
I'm so sorry for this and send you love and hugs xx

Nessie71 · 14/04/2017 06:44

Rage away as my gran used to say better out than in.....My dad died 15 months ago and my in laws had just had to send a new sofa back because it was faulty my god the way they went on about it how they were so upset because they had an idea of how the living room would look with it!! I honestly dont know to this day how they have still have their heads on their shoulders! Call in sick today...and maybe spend sometime with your sister xx

Expat38matt · 14/04/2017 06:48

OP you need to take time off. You don't want to be at work knowing these are your last times with your sis
Even if your current employer is not sympathetic- there are things that are more important xoxo

Pepperedpig · 14/04/2017 06:48

I'm so sorry about your Sister life is so unfair sometimes. The day my Mum died I had to go into the supermarket for nappies and I can remember looking around at all these people just shopping and thinking why are they just walking around don't they know my Mum has died. It made me so angry.

Expat38matt · 14/04/2017 06:54

OP just please please fuck off going to work and spend it with her (as a business owner who might be wondering where you are just communicate that you won't be there- email is fine) . It matters way more that you have time with your sister than if you're in an office trying to balance spreadsheets!! I mean who really cares? Even if you have a really high powered important job, the world isn't going to end if you don't go in. On the other hand you have limited time to spend with Your sister.
If they fire you and you need a reference I'll be one for you
Just do what is important

909090Gertrude · 14/04/2017 07:06

How was your night OP? As others have said please don't go into work today, spend it with your sister. So sorry that you're going through this.

Bottlesoflove · 14/04/2017 09:22

Please don't go in to work. Go to your GP and get a note. You are not fit for work.

I remember a few DAYS after my brother died I went round to a friend's house for a cup of tea whilst I was waiting for my tyres to be changed at a place near her house.

She knew full well my db had just died but instead of asking me how I was she just started wingeing on about a silly political situation at work. She has always been a bit odd and weird with emotional stuff, but that day I could have punched her for being so fucking insensitive. Especially as she is really close to her brother so I thought she'd understand. And it is not like she was trying to spare my feelings by not talking about it as I brought him up a few times, as she just changed the subject. I actually think she just just really cared more about her work situation than the fact my brother just died. Some people are arseholes. I have distanced myself from her since then. I decided I don't need friends like that.

Bottlesoflove · 14/04/2017 09:25

Oh and about the work thing - I took 3 weeks off and felt guilty at the time, but don't now. She will never get this time back. Further down the line you will never regret not going to work. But you will regret not spending every precious moment with your sister.

I wish I had the chance to say goodbye to my brother. The last time I saw him we had a row and I told him to fuck off. 😕

Bottlesoflove · 14/04/2017 09:32

Oh and be careful as some employers give you very little paid time off for compassionate leave. My contract gave me 2 DAYS compassionate leave for deaths of immediate family members, one day for the day you find out, and one day for the funeral. My HR department and my boss actually advised me to get signed off by my gp, and my gp did this readily. I was absolutely not fit for work in the state I was in. That way I got paid sick leave. It meant I didn't have the added stress of worrying about paying the bills.

Expat38matt · 14/04/2017 09:36

There is a definite different between what an employer HAS to do in this situation and what a compassionate employer WILL or really SHOULD do!
As I said OP life is short ; you won't get this time back , if your employer won't help or be understanding and compassionate then you should give notice as you need this time
as I said before I'm willing as a business owner to give you a reference when you need one

NotReallyMeToday · 14/04/2017 12:40

Thank you all. Did a morning in work so I was on top of the essentials and then asked if I could leave early. En route to hospital now.

My work aren't awful but they don't have the best compassionate leave policies. I will try and make the time up later. Thank you so much for all the support. It is incredibly helpful.

Feeling...weird today. Less angry, more disbelieving. I seem to keep swinging between the two. This doesn't feel real on some level - like it should be yesterday's drama. But it isn't.

OP posts:

909090Gertrude · 14/04/2017 20:43

You'll go through every emotion (probably again and again). Totally normal.

How was your sister today? Have you got the rest of the bank holiday weekend off? Please please do speak to your employers to explain and ask for time off.

One thing you might like to do is write about any conversations or just special moments you are able to have with your sister over the coming days. I did this with my brother and reading over them brings some small comfort. Sending you strength x

Chasingsquirrels · 14/04/2017 20:50

I'm so so sorry about your sister NotReallyMeToday.
Rant away.

3littlebadgers · 14/04/2017 20:55

NotReally don't be hard on yourself. Your emotions are allowed to be all over the place. Be angry if you need to be, be sad, calm, happy if it comes to you, just don't second guess it. You are grieving now, and anger is a part of that.
Your sister sounds amazing as do you. I hope the time you have left together brings you happy memories and comfort in the months and years ahead

NotReallyMeToday · 17/04/2017 12:31

She passed away this morning. Family were there. I wasn't but spent the weekend in hospital with her and left late last night. A little numb right now. Thank you for all the support.

OP posts:

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 17/04/2017 13:05

I'm very sorry OP

tribpot · 17/04/2017 13:18

So, so sorry NotReallyMeToday. All my sympathies to you and your family.

incogKNEEto · 17/04/2017 13:52

I'm so sorry NotReallyMe

Chasingsquirrels · 17/04/2017 15:03

NotReallyMeToday I'm so sorry to read this and send you strength and love to get through this impossible times.
Hugs xx

NotReallyMeToday · 17/04/2017 16:01

I actually am OK today. I think because it doesn't feel real. I just feel totally flat, and nothing seems important. I spent a while earlier reading the Guardian and reading articles about things I don't care at all about.

I haven't eaten. I tried to, but I'm just not hungry and don't want food, so I've just had tea instead.

I can't quite believe this. I texted a friend to tell him and it felt unreal as I was hitting the keys - like I'm inventing this for some weird reason. It's like...the world is still turning, so she has to be out there somewhere. Does that even make sense? It's like my brain can't properly process a world without her in it.

OP posts:

Isadora2007 · 18/04/2017 00:31

It makes sense. It really Does. It's your brains way of cushioning you for now. Everything you feel is normal. I am so sorry for your loss. 💕

AvaCrowder2 · 18/04/2017 00:57

Oh you poor thing. My sister died 5 years ago. I was 34 then. I struggled with sleep after she died. I was ok in myself. Heartbroken though.

Poudrenez · 20/04/2017 09:55

to you OP. I lost my brother three years ago to a terminal illness. It's fucking shite, and my anger, mostly towards the miserable old git next door who should have been dead instead of him, was phenomenal. The rollercoaster of emotions just after her left was extraordinary, and that included feeling fine for much of the time too! What you're feeling is totally normal - for weeks after he died I actually thought that he wasn't dead, dead and thought the flowers and sympathy were a bit misguided. Grief is the closest I've come to madness but you've just got to let it have it's strange way with you. You're not alone - we're here for you.

Hotpinkangel19 · 20/04/2017 10:29

I'm in the same situation OP but it's my mum who's dying. Only has days/week left. I'm angry too. I could scream and smash things up. It's fucking unfair and I'm heartbroken. I know how it feels xx

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