unsupportive partner

[crazydil]

I'm not sure how to start this. My father passed away over a year ago and I'm feeling so let down by my partner. Tbh i think if we didn't have kids I would've ended things. I know I'm not being unreasonable in wanting his support. But he makes me feel as though im asking him to move mountains.

I'd love to know how your partners have supported you whilst you grieve and endure such a horrible horrible time. And if they haven't given you that support...how did it affect your relationship?

[909090Gertrude]

Same here OP. It's tough. Sorry to hear you lost your Dad and that your partner has not been supportive.

I'm not sure what I can say that is of any use, but happy to hold hands through this...my relationship is not in a good way, and although not all of it relates to lack of support following my bereavement (and person's illness leading up to it) I think it's a big part of it.

Has your partner historically been rubbish with emotional matters? I think mine has at times. I've never seen him cry and I think he sometimes seems heartless. That sounds awful as he is not a bad person.

Waiting eagerly for more replies to your post.

[909090Gertrude]

I have been questioning whether I need to educate him on bereavement...do you think your partner actually knows what to do and is choosing not to or just is clueless?

I think it's a bit of both here.

[Greatdomestic]

I had similar after the sudden loss of a young relative.

I told my husband how let down I felt by his behaviour. People who barley knew me were kinder to me during that time.

Tbh, my marriage barely survived - that sounds very dramatic but I felt so let down and disgusted by his total lack of support I didn't see the point in being with someone who was unable to support me during the worst thing that had ever happened to me and my family. I know my feelings were very much amplified by grief, but it took a long time for me to move on.

I don't know if I will ever truly feel the same way about him - I've never said that out loud but it's true.

Sorry for the very intense post.

[crazydil]

gertrude we seem to be living parallel lives. Except that with my husband I think its got more to do with selfishness and being uncomfortable dealing with death. But surely a grown man should be able to set aside his feelings and help his wife through a difficult time?

I don't really buy the excuse that they dont know how to support a grieving partner. I just dont believe that. However if that is the case theres something called google...right? Or why not just say 'I want to support you but i don't know how'. Its not that difficult is it?

[crazydil]

Hi great sorry to hear that you've also been through this. Can I ask how your marriage is now?

I had an argument with my husband today. He thinks its wrong for me to mention my dear dad....it ruins the atmosphere. Took him ages to understand my point and even longer to apologise. Did my head in!

[Greatdomestic]

HI Crazy

The marriage is ok - I guess if I had more oomph at the time I would have ended it. I found myself wondering how I ended up with such a thoughtless partner. On reflection, it isn't really a surprise. When his dad died, his mum came to stay with us a few weeks after, for the weekend. He went out all day &evening to the pub to watch football with his mates, despite knowing she was coming. The poor woman was devastated at her loss. I tackled him about it and he said oh she won't mind. Of course, she was too polite to say what I think she really felt, that she wanted to spend time with him for support not with me.

It made me realise some people just don't have much to give emotionally, but it is a stinger when you are married to them. I guess what I am saying is that you won't change this behaviour/attitude of his. You need to decide if you can accept that or not. Because if he can't come through for you on this, major issue, he won't on other things. If you think about it, you will probably have lots of examples of thoughtless, unsupportive behaviour from him, it's not just this. Although everyone thinks my husband is a great guy, would do anything for anyone - unless I ask for something.

Are we happy - I don't know. I think that there is an element of going through the motions, probably for both of us, not just me. My rage at him hasn't lessened much, but I'm aware that makes me sound unhinged.

I didn't do grief counselling at the time. have you done it, or do you plan to?

[909090Gertrude]

Oh God, this is all a bit crap for us isn't it? You don't sound at all unhinged great, or at least if you are then so am I .

Can I ask how long ago you lost your relative great? Very sorry to hear this has happened to you. My relative was also much much too young to die. I ask because I am aware my grief is not going to go away anytime soon and so I am a little worried about how things are going to pan out. Guessing you have kids too....in terms of staying with him?

crazydil that is shocking that your DH doesn't think you should mention your Dad. I am in total agreement regarding your point about at the very least just bloody google how to support your partner!

Not sure what the way forward is....thoughts welcome

[Greatdomestic]

Hi Gertrude, it was 2 years ago. I'm sorry to hear that your relative was young too, it is just such a dreadful shock and the ripples of it are felt often. How long ago was your bereavement?

Yes, we do have one child.

I had put the question to crazy about counselling - have you done it or are you planning to? I guess that will have an impact on how things pan out too. I should have explored it at the time and logically I maybe still should. Is your DP just uncomfortable talking about anything which upsets you? Are you the one who always holds it together normally?

Crazy, do you think you could tell him that you need to talk about a much missed and loved parent sometimes? If the roles were reversed, you'd do the same for him. He doesn't even really need to say anything, just listen. He's bonkers to think that now your dad's gone, he just won't be mentioned, just so that he doesn't feel uncomfortable.

I didn't think anyone else's partner would be so rubbish in these circumstances too. With my hindsight, please look after yourselves in whatever form that takes.

[Buddah101]

Im sorry for intruding but I'd just come on this board to write a similar post myself. Im currently going through the final stages with my dad, he was moved to a hospice yesterday so probably only days left.

Yesterday I got up with ds (he's 4) did his breakfast and sat with him until dp woke up at 9am. as soon as he was up I had a 40 min drive to the hospice, where I sat with my brother until 5 when my step mum came in. Once home I found the 2 of them on the xbox, no housework done, the kitchen a mess and he asked did i have any ideas whats for tea. needless to say I blew up at him.

2 years ago I went through the same thing with my nan who had brought me up, We cared for her at home and still he would do nothing, I would have to look after her all day and some nights, whilst also do housework and cook sometimes if I was home in time.

I honestly feel like leaving, there is nothing redeeming about him at all anymore. In comparison his dad was diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago which they were able to treat - just at that news dp had a breakdown and had to give up work and has been slowly building up his life again by going to college and acting like a teenager. I really resent him at the moment.

sorry for gatecrashing, feel better for having a rant actually. I just know whats coming again and I know I wont get any support and I honestly feel id be better far away from him which I can see happening soon

[Buddah101]

Sorry forgot to add What prompted me to write was the fact after reading all your messages about partners they all sound so alike, lacking empathy apart from themselves.

From dp's point of view he's never lost anyone close to him so has no personal experience of what you go through. But some of your dp's have so cant even use that as an excuse.

[Greatdomestic]

No gate crashers here buddah, I am so sorry about your dad. going through those final stages really takes it out of you, it is so draining.

Wrt your partner, it is probably the last thing you feel like doing, but can you be blunt and tell him what it is you need him to do, just on a practical level - housework, get something in for tea while you are out. You should not need to, but let's face it, it won't happen unless you draw him a map.

[crazydil]

How annoying
I wrote a long post and its disappeared somehow.

Buddah what you wrote is 100% on point. Lacking empathy apart from themselves. So so true!

The exact samething happened to me. My dad had days to live and like you I'd come home to a complete tip. But I told my husband clearly exactly what i needed from him...he didn't take it on board. That's the moment my marriage died.

My advice to you would be to speak to him. Even though you shouldn't have to. Otherwise your relationship is heading in the same direction as mine

great no I haven't thought of counselling. Although husband is useless, I do have a great support network. He has suggested couples counselling. But in all honesty, I've thrown in the towel. If it wasn't for my kids, I most definitely would have left him.

[crazydil]

It made me realise some people just don't have much to give emotionally, but it is a stinger when you are married to them. I guess what I am saying is that you won't change this behaviour/attitude of his. You need to decide if you can accept that or not. Because if he can't come through for you on this, major issue, he won't on other things. If you think about it, you will probably have lots of examples of thoughtless, unsupportive behaviour from him, it's not just this. Although everyone thinks my husband is a great guy, would do anything for anyone - unless I ask for something.

I keep re-reading this. Its heartbreaking that someone can act so badly and yet refuse to change. I can't understand this behaviour.
My husbands like yours. An angel in the eyes of others.

[crazydil]

Gertrude for me the way forward is to focus on myself abit more. As sad as it is, I'm trying my best to never rely on him. My husband has noticed things have changed. He is trying to make a difference. Im not sure if it's too little too late though.

[Buddah101]

Thankyou for your replies, crazydil I feel 100% the same as you, I can pin point the exact moment it changed between us. and sure enough if was him acting up at the worse time of my life. He has no idea I feel this way he doesnt take it in.

I took him with me today to see my dad, dp had wanted to come. I thought perhaps the sight of seeing him now lying there from what he once was would shock dp a little, I almost wanted him to cry over the sight f him lying there, unable to move... he spent half an hour chatting away to my uncle who he'd never met about college courses he was doing, I could tell my dad wanted to sleep and couldn't because of dp rabbiting on so I made my excuses and left him with my aunt and uncle. Ill go back alone tomorrow.

We drove home in silence. I have told him time and time again to help around the house more now hes not working as that was usually his excuse, and still nothing.

I feel if they don't come through for you when you really need them too, then actually what's the point of him being here? But again like you crazy I feel I owe it to ds to give him both his parents in his life, something I didn't have as mine split when I was 3.

[909090Gertrude]

Thanks everyone. My loss was only a few months ago, not considering counselling ar the moment but not ruled it out for the future.

I think I am going to have a chat with DP over the next week or two. If anyone has already raised it were your partners apologetic or even in acknowledgement that they had not been supportive?

I'll let you know how it goes.

My heart goes out to all here. As if bereavement alone isnt hard enough to cope with.

[echt]

This is the saddest thread on Bereavement I've seen yet.

[crazydil]

buddah he may not show you, but I very much doubt seeing your dad in the situation he's in now didn't effect him. He might just be a lazy shit that doesn't want to change, so acts like its no big deal.I dont know....my husbands like that

Gertrude I spoke to my husband a month after my dads passing, asking him to be more supportive and it killed me. He turned it into a huge fight and it was at this time that things changed from difficult to unbearable.
I not only hated him, but I hated life and looking back now I think I may have been depressed.

Your grief is still raw. Although it may hurt that he's not the partner he should be, it may not be the best time to bring up this issue. Do you think he'll accept what you have to say? Or would he become defensive and start an argument? Do you think he'll apologise and change. Put yourself first. Really take care of yourself

[909090Gertrude]

Thank you crazydil. Maybe you're right, I do not need to be hurt any further at the moment. I really hope it's not too little too late for your relationship but I can already see that this is difficult to come back from for people.

I can't help thinking about marriage vows - for better or worse, through sickness and in health etc. Whether you're married or not, surely this is the foundation of a decent partnership?

Oh hell, I don't have the energy for this, and I'm sure you're all feeling similar.

But, then again, deep breaths, mustn't give up. Best wishes to everyone.

[Buddah101]

Big hugs and breaths to all of you. Youre so right gertrude I personally dont have the energy for this right now and I'm slightly thinking its not my emotions working overtime at the moment blowing things out of proportion.

He actually told me I should take a yoga class today as I appeared stressed and it had helped him once upon a time

[crazydil]

He actually told me I should take a yoga class today as I appeared stressed and it had helped him once upon a time Lol! Wth are our husbands on.

[909090Gertrude]

We haven't established any great conclusions here have we ladies?! Although it's bern really good to share and just get some of it down in words.

It really scares me to think where this could end. My parents split when i was fairly young and it affected me quite badly, not what I want for my own DC.

[Buddah101]

Im the same gertrude im 36 and is still affects me to this day, how much I've lost in terms of having my dad around, and not getting to see my friends at weekends as I was always at my dads doing the same thing every single weekend.

I really don't want that for my ds, to the outsiders he is the perfect man and I'm often told how lucky I am. Think that's why I question myself most of the time - is it me with high standards? am I expecting too much? but ffs...yoga when your dad is dying.

[909090Gertrude]

Buddah - so many similarities between us

For the time being I am just wading through treacle, it's really pissed me off that I am having to deal with relationship problems when I need to be processing my grief. I am doing my best to ignore the relationship problems but that can't go on forever and all the while won't be making it any easier to rebuild our marriage.

[909090Gertrude]

How are you doing OP? And Buddah and others?

I am basically in the same crap place. Trying to fathom how/when/if I will have the energy to do anything about the poor state of my relationship. The grieving (and life in general) is just exhausting.

Hope things are a bit better for others x