unsupportive partner

[crazydil]

I'm not sure how to start this. My father passed away over a year ago and I'm feeling so let down by my partner. Tbh i think if we didn't have kids I would've ended things. I know I'm not being unreasonable in wanting his support. But he makes me feel as though im asking him to move mountains.

I'd love to know how your partners have supported you whilst you grieve and endure such a horrible horrible time. And if they haven't given you that support...how did it affect your relationship?

Things are still strained.

Anyone else still want to handhold?

Hi Gertrude

I'm sorry to hear things still aren't great.

What about counselling, have you explored this?

I know this thread is a year old, but there’s some strange comfort found in knowing I’m not the only person who has faced such selfishness. Any advice from those of you who have been through this already? I lost my dad 3 weeks ago and even since his decline, my husband hasn’t offered a single glimmer of emotional support. In fact, he’s gone as far as trying to argue with me the last 4 weeks and even as soon as the day of burial. Like many of you, I’m disgusted, hurt and so freaking confused that I’m not sure even how to relate to him anymore.

Hi CRice, sorry about your Dad and also that your DH has not been supportive. It’s so hard.

I was on this thread at the beginning. It has been a difficult path to walk in terms of the grief and also in terms of my marriage. We are still not where I would like us to be.

It’s is very very early days for you so be kind to yourself and look after yourself.

My advice in terms of your DH? Keep talking, keep the channels of communication open. Don’t shy away from telling him how you are feeling, but also try not have too many expectations of what he will or won’t say in response or do in support.

Find another channel, if you can, for the rage, and other emotions, that come with a bereavement.

I think grieving people, through no fault of their own can be quite self centred, and quite right too, it’s horrible and no matter how much you fight it, you feel “why me” and “no one understands”. But therefore to others, this is hard to deal with, and they can feel like their needs are being overlooked. It’s just saddening that those closest to us can’t see that, for a time, our (the grieving person) needs are immense and emotions are intense.

As a sweeping generalisation, many men are inherently selfish and need their egos massaged. Which is shit. And there is debate as to whether they can really help this or not.

I don’t know what I’m really trying to say, because, like the grief itself, only you (and your DH) can work through this, and my experience is that is an utter slog. I am still hoping it will be worth it.

How long have you been together? Do you have DC?

It may be right to seperate, but don't do it in the midst of grief unless you are really clear. Try to live side by side, just mark time till your feelings settle. Look for support elsewhere, but don't start another relationship. They say don't make a major change for at least a year after a big loss. That gives time for you to think straight, and to deal with the next change. It takes longer than that to process grief but gives you a chance to make decisions you won't regret. The fallout may be significant, start from a position of balance. You will know when it's right. Relate may help to stay, or leave.

Thank you for replying 909090Gertrude. We’ve been together for 12 years. Have two children, 3.5 and 1.5. He’s also just informed me we won’t be having my family for anymore than a day at our house and isn’t willing to spend more than a day (no overnights) at my mother’s house which is at least 2 hours away. He’s not just selfish, he’s inconsiderate. That’s putting it nicely. He doesn’t care to communicate much except to bark his orders. Every discussion ends up in an argument, and if I don’t do what he thinks I should, then I’m not listening or considering him. I agree with Missingstreetlife in that I don’t need to make any big life changes for a year, at least. He has certainly made me question my life choice in him though and I’m not sure I’ll ever forget the way he’s made me feel even in the last two weeks of my dad’s life through today. He’s so up and down too, it seems. We’ll be moving along having a nice family day with our kids and then he has to ruin it for me making his requests known. It brings me comfort to be with my family right now. I don’t need or want his isolation and I am almost to the point where he can leave if he’s so inclined. I feel like I’m coping alone and caring for our kids by myself anyway.

To clarify, my remark about family visitations was in regard to upcoming holidays. I wouldn’t expect to spend extended time together regularly, especially given our distance. In the past we’ve always spent equal time with both our families... 2-3 days each. I do feel that it is healing for my family to be together right now.

You’ve both provided great advice and for that I am appreciative. I’ve never had so much trouble navigating feelings in my life. I really have/am making every effort to meet the needs of my DH, but at what point am I to make sure his needs are met above my own? I’m very careful not to be harsh or to say things I’ll regret, etc. but keeping a cool head and a warm heart is becoming more and more difficult.

Oh gosh, your children are young too, that is hard enough as it is. Don’t underestimate what a raw and painful time you’re at, it’s only been 3 weeks.

I completely understand and agree with what you say about not knowing if you’ll be able to forget/forgive the way he has been. I felt (feel?) the same. It does soften, a little, but also still festers.

It seems you have the right attitude about coping by yourself and also about not making any decisions anytime soon. Good luck, take care.

Name change fail (I am Gertrude)

Hi.. not sure what to do?.. My mum passed away 3 months ago and before she was very ill and I helped care for her with my dad so spent alot of time at their house. my partner believed he was very supportive but all he really did was look after the children didn't do cleaning shopping i still picked the.kids up.from school and took them to after school clubs.and near enough demanded my attention whenever I had a spare 5 minutes. Since my mum passed away all he has really done is take the kids to school. I have had some time off from work to sort the funeral out and to make sure my dad was ok. Now he wants sometime to think about his future as he need time to think about his needs. I just told him to take as much time as he needs thinking he is be selfish. But at the moment I feel like walking away from the 17 year relationship. I have no body I can talk please help x

Oh @slj0802 I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your mum. And my heart goes out to you having to deal with her passing with such little emotional and practical support from your partner. Have you sat down with him and explained just how let down you feel? I’m afraid I have no real words of advice. My dad recently died and if my H was putting himself first in the midst of such grief, expecting old routines to carry on as normal I would be questioning the relationship too.

I have talked to him but he don't understand as not close with his family, he can be quiet childish for his age. Ball in his court now as staying with my dad. It all come to a head when I said I don't think I could face a mothers day meal with his family as it my first one without my mum.. and I'm a little upset with his family as none of them even messaged to see if I was ok... and he said fine I will just take the kids.. so he is happy to leave me on my own don't mind him.going but I.would like to spend mothers day with my children x

Goodness, that is harsh @Slj0802. In so many ways. You shouldn’t be on your own at such a time. I’m so incredibly sorry for all you are going through. It’s not acceptable whatsoever. You should be receiving support and love, not this.

Hello...
My dad died March 14 two day ago.... I feel so sick to my stomach my heart hurts and I feel scared, my husband of 8 years knows what I'm going through, but has decided to go hang out with his friends..... I'm so floored and at my wits end right now... How I'm the hell could if do this.... I told him how I felt about it and he said he's not going, only because he can't get his jeep fixed... But it's too late, 6w in grieving. Over that too, to find out how much my husband doesn't care.. Makes me physically sick... I can't call my mom or my sister because they are grieving too.... I'm so lost

Hi all
I can completely relate to you all.
My mum passed away when I was young. (5) I lost my friend in 2015. It knocked me so bad I stopped working and had a hard time dealing with the fact her girls had to live there life's without a mum as I did.
No support from partner. Just a get over it attude.
2016 just as I was picking myself up my best friend was diagnosed with terminal cancer, she had 3 children under 5. She battled on 13 months. With me ignoring partners ways, to be there for her the best I could. 4 weeks before she passed my dad was also diagnosed long story short. My Dad gained his wings in November.
I'm coping better on the outside than I did with my friend in 2015 but never really had chance to face my best friends( 2017)as I had to proper for my Dad's journey. Now I'm breaking inside but doing OK on the outside. My husbands biggest problem is our sex life, not satisfying his need, I've explained I'm grieving and sent links to him. Today's response from him was.............. His words!!!! I don't no how to say it and I don't mean it how its going to sound But fake it till you make it...... Wtf
That's what Im faced with. We have 5 children. Who have also had to put up with me being very low for the first year and on alto pilot the last two. Plus grieving them selfs. I don't no what's best for any of us and don't feel strong enough to face anything negative, conversation, arguments, sorry for the long message, I know all posts are old so this may go unseen ,thanks for reading x

I'm glad a stumbled across this thread as I'm sure the fact that my partner was so unsupportive (not to say cruel, if I'm being really honest) is the reason why I'm still struggling with my dad's death nearly three years on. I just didn't feel like I had anywhere to safely go with my grief, if that makes any sense to anyone? While I'm on the subject, does it ever get any better? I honestly feel almost mad with it. Even now.

Hi,arnyo. So sorry for your loss.

Have you thought of counselling, somewhere independent?

Is your partner still unsupportive?

What you said at the end resonated for me. I've felt bordering on frantic for nearly three years since my DH died. Not all the time, but not getting better. I know from the outside I look as if I've got it all sorted (not that anyone except DD ever asks) but inside I rage.

for you.

Hi, sorry changed my user name since posting! Thanks for your reply Echt. I had counselling through Cruse but I used up all the free sessions they let you have and couldn't afford a private one. No, he's not supportive now but that's because I don't try and discuss it with him anymore - I can't bear to hear the things he says- so I bottle it all up. I put it to the back of my mind but I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive him for the way he behaved when I really needed him.
I'm sorry to hear about your husband- that's way worse than a dad, I think. I don't know about you but I find myself obsessional and hermit-like - I'll do anything to avoid silence (loud music in headphones, tv on all the time), and the moment I find myself alone (not often, usually only in the bath/shower or even on the bus, which should be embarrassing but I don't even seem to care) tears pour down my face without me even thinking about him. I'm a mess.
Hope you're ok though!

Is he on the autistic spectrum - I have family members who are and they cannot put themselves in other’s shoes/ imagine how they’d feel in that situation. It’s only when something happens to them they have a complete meltdown and can not cope with anything and expect you to swoop in and pick up the pieces, do everything for them and act as their emotional crutch - even when you spell it out to them, they still don’t grasp it.

Can I join? Not directly the same but my ex.P died this weekend, he was my daughters Dad. I'm heartbroken for my daughter and utterly worried about her (she's 24). My H said the best thing to do is just maintain normality, I don't think he even said to her that he was sorry to hear the news - I think he might have asked her how she was but just in a passing kind of way. But he totally doesn't get why I'm so upset for her, he thinks it's just life! I'm struggling to get past how he's being, it's like he has not emotion or doesn't know how to be compassionate. Feeling

crazydil, sorry for intruding, I feel bad 4 u having an unsupportive husband , I too have a partner who shows me no Support since Losing my dad suddenly and then two months later I lost my Son (who was Stillborn). I feel like my Partner just expects me to be a robot, Honestly, not long after my dad died (Seven Months Pregnant) he was having ago at me in Tescos car park, (I can’t remember what as it was nearly 4 years ago now) and My sister said to “ my god, Give her a break man, She’s just lost her dad” and he shouted back at her “ So What, am I never allowed to have ago at her now coz her dad died” and she said in a soft voice “ but it’s only been a few days man”. Since that day nearly 4 years ago all I’ve had from my partner is Shit , Shit, shit, he’s always expecting me to spend my days Cooking and Cleaning the house while trying to cope with looking after my 18 month old Daughter straight after I come home taking my 5 year old daughter to school. And when I do cook and tidy up he still moans about it and makes me feel more shit, I also strongly feel that he thinks to himself ‘get over it already’ and The way he comes across is like as if I’m the one in the wrong for having these feelings. The way he is, he just doesn’t give a shit, I’ve said to him many times “ even if we weren’t together he should still show me Support as we’ve got two small children together and if I’m miserable and unhappy , so r they, even if he doesn’t give a shit about me he should still show me Support just on the basic fact that I have his two Young Children in my care 24-7. (I mean how can u look after ur kids if u can’t look after urself?) but I do, i don’t know how I’m doing it but I’m doing it, and on top of that I’m Suffering from a Severe Sleep Disorder called hypersomnia while trying to fight Severe Depression Anxiety And PTSD. He’s always huffing under his breath 4 something other he feels towards me, sometimes I can even hear him whispering to himself slagging me off. He says I make him like this , because whatever it is , I throw it back in his face, I don’t think I do, So he says I’m the reason he’s like this, So in his eyes I’m horrible and nasty , but surely he’s got to realise that if I’m horrible and nasty and Angered there’s a reason 4 it, (ur not gonna be horrible to someone who’s being Kind. Another thing I can stand is he’s always the opposite to me, he can’t ever agree with me, if I said or did something he’s always do or think the opposite, he treats me like he’s better than me even tho he’s 54, because of how he treats me it’s changed me completely, Since the grief I don’t look after my appearance anymore but on the days I do not once does he ever tell me I look nice, he’ll never have anything positive to say but he’ll soon say something Negative. I’m really sorry, this is the 1st time I’ve actually wrote down how he’s treating me. I’m just don’t know what’s normal anymore, is my partners behavior Normal or not? I just don’t know

Hi all

I haven't visited this thread for a while. A month or so after posting on this thread, I had another bereavement. Another young person, another horrendous shock.

This time, I did do counselling, 2 stints over 18 months and it definitely helped me.

Strangely my tolerance levels towards my husband are now very low. This will sound harsh, but I have reached a place whereby if he doesn't step up when I need it, I am prepared to end the relationship. I tell him explicitly what I need him to do and have no qualms about telling him if his behaviour is selfish and thoughtless.

What was also a stinger for me was that he just didn't think I was that upset. FFS, beggars belief.

Sending much love to all of you struggling just now and if you haven't explored counselling, consider it.

I am awake in the middle of the night seeking comfort from the internet as my partner has been so useless with my feelings of grief as I prepare to say goodbye to the wonderful man who raised me. Partner knows that I am hurting and have spent most of the last 72 hous in a chair by his bed. My partner has gone to visit his parents for the weekend and I just had two texts from him today saying what a tough day planting pots for them he has had and how he was looking forward to the rugby. I have come home to an empty bed to cry alone. Surely he should be on the end of the phone trying to offer support even if not here this weekend. Two texts in 18 hours today?!?

I hope the people from the beginning of this thread are finding some peace whatever way life went in the aftermath of loss.

Hi friends of mine

I'm sorry that you are having such a tough time with your impending loss and lack of support.

It really hurts when the person who should always have your back does not deliver when needed.

Can you tell him how you feel and what you need from him right now? How do you think he would respond?

Are you always the stoic one who holds everything together?

Thanks. Yes you have me to a tee there! I might take your advice and give some thought to asking him for more support in the form of checking in.

He is usually so kind but mine is the first critical health/loss issue he has had since he was a teen I think as his grandparents all died when he was young and his elderly parents are so far in good health. I would hear bet money he would have been super caring and constantly messaging me but saying no reply needed IYSWIM.

It really helped me to read about other peoples partners being crap... not because I'm mean, but just others know how it feels if that makes sense.