How do you go on without your mum?

[tethersend]

Just that really. Mine's currently in hospital with days to go. Not sure how I'm supposed to do it without her. Feel relieved she won't be in pain any more, but so sad and angry that all this could have been avoided. I'm heartbroken.

It's her birthday tomorrow

Here is a link to the government pages

https://www.gov.uk/after-a-death/overview

Hi, also lost my mum, 6 weeks ago. No advice except every day I think, at least I'm not going through the hideous goodbye today. The days and weeks leading up to her death were absolutely the the worst, and i did feel relief when it was over. My children, 9 and 7, are really helping as they talk about her in such a normal way, and it's lovely still to be chatting about things we all did together. But sometimes that's hard too. Just roll with it, you will feel totally battered in all sorts of ways, and there are different peaks and troughs. Reading through posts on here helps too, knowing that you're not alone. So sorry that you're going through this awful time.

Reading your posts really does help, thank you.

Mum lived alone and I have no idea if she left a will or not. Am currently freaking out about applying for probate and all the work it entails. I just want to grieve for my lovely mum, not fill in forms. Deep breath.

Knowing you've all managed to get through it in your own ways is so, so good to hear right now

Hi Tethersend don't worry about the paperwork yet - there is no rush and things can wait.
Give yourself some time.

(I'm mostly ignoring the nightmare that late-DH's estate will be, little tiny steps - every little thing I do is one more thing done).

Hugs xx

So sorry.

I lost my mum ten years ago. My DS was a baby. She never knew about DD. It's tough, just awful. She was my best friend and I miss her, always will. But you carry on, you have to. Dark days for you right now. But the memories of this time will fade a little as time goes by and you will smile again. Be strong and make her proud

I still feel a huge emptiness after the loss of my mother. Almost 25 years have passed, you never really get over it. You do feel better in time honestly, it took me almost two years to move on with my own life and I did some silly things in the mean time. For some reason I launched into an affair which luckily did not damage my marriage. I still cannot think about her without sadness that she was taken from me so early in my life, she never had time to know her grandchildren.

Lots of love. I lost my DM a few years ago. I was similar in that I only knew a few days in advance.

It gets easier in many ways xx

So sorry.

Good days and bad days here. Most bad lately if I'm honest. People say it gets easier, but. It doesn't. I wish I could tell you different.

The only consolation is that she's at peace, but I need her so much at the moment.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

.

Can I ask what people's thoughts are on viewing the body before the funeral/cremation?

I was at the funeral directors today and have planned a funeral I feel happy with- right now I feel quite strongly that I don't want to view mum's body, particularly as I said goodbye to her a number of times in hospital when she wasn't responsive. I also did her makeup and brushed her hair on the last day she was alive, and I don't think I want someone else to do that again IYSWIM...

However, a friend keeps earnestly asking me what I want to do about viewing her and I think she worries that I will regret not seeing her. I just feel like she's gone; that's not her in the morgue. I also want to remember her as she was. I don't want to sit with her not responding to me again, as I found that so hard when she was in hospital. I know that many people feel it brings them closure.

Thoughts or experiences of this would be very welcome.

That's such a personal choice. I wasn't going to go and see my mum.
However the day before she was buried. Something told Me to go and see her. She looked so peaceful.
I'm glad I went. I think you regret the things you don't do rather than the things you do.

I viewed both my parents. They looked so different and it was a bit of a shock. I touched my mum and the coldness of her flesh was unexpected.
However I am glad I saw them and said my last goodbyes.
A difficult decision.
X

My mum died last October. I was with her at the end and had said my goodbyes. I didn't want to see her body later. I haven't regretted my decision but it is a very personal choice and it sounds as though you know instinctively what you want. Thinking of you

I went to see DH, quite a few people said I shouldn't and should remember him as he was alive, quite a few posts on here about not having the chance again and not wanting to regret not doing so.

I went 9 days after he died and it wasn't like him at all.
I'd sat with him a few times in the hours after he died before the undertakers collected his body and he was still DH, but all that had gone when I saw his body at the undertakers.
He was also almost fully covered, with just hus head visible.
The undertakers did say to me if you want to view the sooner the better.
I'm glad I went. It kind of solidified things in my mind, but also because his body clearly had nothing of him left it just became "remains", and for me that made the funeral process easier as it wasn't DH in the box, it was just his dead body.
I didn't stay long at all, and I didn't touch him - knowing he'd be cold I didn't want that. I did touch him in the hours after he died.

It's a very personal choice. You can only do what you feel you want to do.

Hi tethersend, agree viewing is a very personal choice. I viewed and still very much regret having done so. It's a very intense experience (obviously) and imprinted an extremely vivid memory in my brain. The problem I have is it's more vivid than the many many happy memories I have of her or us together. I wish the strongest visual memory I have of my beloved mother wasn't one of her lying dead with facial padding in a box, basically. I have to deliberately cast it out of my mind when I want to remember happen scenes, but by then I've already got the coffin picture in my head and feel sad again...Sorry to be blunt. Good luck whatever you decide

*happy

Thank you all- it really is a personal decision, isn't it? I'm just so scared of regretting something later on as I know I'm not even close to thinking straight at the moment. Having said that, I do feel at peace with not seeing her, and don't want to do so because other people think I should. I said goodbye so many times, I'm not sure I can face doing it again.

It really does mean so much to me that all of you have posted with your personal and painful experiences. Thank you.

I'm going through this at the same time as you.

I did go, but she didn't look like Mum anymore. She looked like a peaceful waxwork. My Mum was no longer there and it helps to know this for the forthcoming funeral.

I was able to see that her final wishes were observed, say goodbye and take flowers.

I went to see my DF because my Mum wanted to go so I went with her. I think littleHo's description of them looking like a peaceful waxwork is quite good - it doesn't actually seem like them.

I didn't go and visit my DM when she died - I just didn't feel the need. I had seen her a number of times in the hospital as she deteriorated but wasn't with her at the end.

When DD died, we were with her. We stayed with her for a couple of hours afterwards and helped the nurse to wash her and change her clothing and brush her hair. We said goodbye to her as we left the hospital. We were then offered the chance to have her body moved to a special room at the Childrens Hospice and spend some more time with her, but we felt we had already said goodbye to her and didn't want to go through that again - at least, not until the funeral - but when we left DD it didn't look like her anymore as he colour had gone.

I think visiting the chapel of rest is a very personal decision and you have to do what feels right for you at the time.

Yeah it sucks without your mum. Mine died in 2009. I was 30. I knew she was ill but it still happened so fast and was a mega shock. I still remember that "how can the world be carrying on when this has happened?" feeling.

She never met my kids. My dad died 23 months later so he never met my kids either. You never get over it. You just learn to put up with it. . If anything, I've been more gutted since I had kids as it's brought it all back that they will never meet my mum or dad.

As for viewing the body- I did, both times. I have no regrets. It is an individual choice thing though, but it is true that they don't look quite right. It's hard to know why, but I guess it's like something is missing. It hasn't affected my memories though and I'm glad I did it.

I lost my mum in 2012. I was a single parent and She was my best friend/confidante. We spoke daily, often more than once. I am very lonely now, despite having a partner.

I will never get over losing her, I just get on with it.

I feel your pain. I lost my mum a little over a year ago. I had never lost anyone close to me before, and I had no idea what it would be like. I experienced (still do) a lot of guilt and regret, in addition to regular sadness, because although I was very close to my mum, I didn't realize she could die younger (stupid of me) since her parents and sibs all died in their 90s of heart disease. She went from diagnosis of cancer to death in 3 weeks and I was with her every day. But the preceding years (about 3) I was very wrapped up in my DCs and my career, and I didn't see enough of her, or pay enough attention to her (didn't live close) and I regret that almost every day. When I heard her diagnosis I took leave from my job and left my DCs with DH and went to her. Even now I am still on two kinds of antidepressants and cry a few times a week. I read all the books I could find on grief and bereavement, and nothing really helped except time. I find now it's less raw than in the beginning, and I can push aside the guilt more. But I think you have to understand it will not go away, the sadness, but you learn it won't always be the same, some days you smile with sadness tinged, and sometimes you cry your eyes out. It's part of life, people will tell you. I have virtually no other relatives and didn't even notice that fact, because my mum was all I needed. Like another poster, I still feel bitter when I see older people because I am cross my mum didn't get to be really old. I try to tell myself well at least she didn't go in her fifties. I had therapy etc. and talked to a grief specialist. It didn't really help me. Be gentle to yourself. I didn't look at my mum afterwards, except immediately afterwards, because I was with her. The one thing that helps me is looking at my DCs. Who were both incredibly close to her. Hugs.

You just carry on love and you will do I lost my mum on my 36th Birthday in 2000. It wasn't unexpected but I felt completely lost. I can't explain it really, I'm the youngest of four and I felt like a little girl again, even though I have my own DD. I often think of mum, but tbh still find it very painful. As everyone will understand, she was my best friend, I loved her so much.

My DM was killed in a car accident in September. She was 69. Here one minute, gone the next. No chance to prepare or say goodbye. MY DF had already died aged 54 in 1999 so whilst grieving we had the family home to sell.
We didn't see each other every week. We weren't 'best friends'. But she loved and supported me. I lost a parent and my DC lost their grandma in horrific circumstances.
Life goes on. But we miss her.