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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

My dad died on Tuesday and I feel weird

72 replies

ThymeLord · 29/01/2017 01:13

I feel devastated, broken hearted, I can't find my arse from my elbow but I feel weird. I feel like I've got butterflies in my stomach every minute of the day. From waking up until going to brd theyre there. Also, y'know that feeling you get when somebody makes you jump, and your heart leaps from chest to stomach and back again? I feel like that all the time, like my heart is jumping up and down all the time. Is that normal?

OP posts:

mineofuselessinformation · 01/02/2017 22:00

Why on earth you're embarrassed, I don't know. This is what mumsnet is really for, not the bunfight and AIBU stuff, but the support and plain humanity you can find here.
I will think of you tomorrow.

Lemond1fficult · 01/02/2017 22:25

Good luck for the funeral tomorrow, thyme. I hope it'll be helpful for you to be around all the other people missing him too.

Lapinlapin · 01/02/2017 23:19

Horrible day for you to get through tomorrow.

Will be thinking of you

Original poster

ThymeLord · 01/02/2017 23:35

mine I'm not good at the words I was embarrassed by my waffling on.

I had a go in AIBU earlier and found it couldn't care. Not that I ever care but it was all so pointless. I'd like to stop feeling like things are pointless. I need to focus on my mum and her horrific loss.

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LiveThroughThis · 02/02/2017 09:26

Thyme I could have written your post when I went through the same. What you are feeling is because you were fortunate enough to love someone and be loved. It will get easier I promise with time. This is your loss too xx

Original poster

ThymeLord · 04/02/2017 01:23

Here I am, the day after the funeral. It was so horrible, I felt like I dreamed the whole thing. The words were lovely and everyone was there and that was lovely too but fucking hell I'm so angry today. So angry at people talking about him in the past tense. So angry that we weren't done, we had plans. So fucking sad for my mum. I'm just raging and I don't want to be.

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Original poster

ThymeLord · 04/02/2017 01:25

It was too fucking soon. We had plans for fucks sake. For this year. Stuff and places to go and tickets for things.

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Original poster

ThymeLord · 04/02/2017 01:26

I think I died a little bit seeing that vile black car outside the house and those twisted flowers spelling out DAD. God I'm angry. Why an I so angry.

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Thirza38 · 04/02/2017 10:20

Thymelord I have the same anxiety and anger my mum passed a week ago and I feel anxious all the time and angry that she missed out on all the things we had planned
I just wanted you to know that there are others feeling exactly what you are feeling and wishing you peace to get through this terrible time

mineofuselessinformation · 04/02/2017 22:45

Thyme, have you looked up the seven cycles of grief? I'm no expert in this, but I know it's one of them, one of the things that can pull you down like a great big wave, and you don't know when you will surface. But, you will.

mineofuselessinformation · 04/02/2017 22:48

Bugger, pressed post by mistake...
Whatever you feel is normal. There are no rule books for this. I'm still trying to get through it and deal with it three months on. We all feel how we feel in our own way, iyswim.
I hope you're feeling a bit less swamped today.

CoolCarrie · 06/02/2017 19:22

I know how you feel, op. My dear dad died a month ago and I feel like I am in a nightmare and can't wake up.
We have gone back to for xmas for the last 4 years in a row, and planned to go this Xmas past, but our dog was very, very ill and we seriously thought we were going lose him, so we didn't go and I feel so very guilty that we didn't. My heart is breaking with guilt.

TheWrathFromHighAtopTheThing · 06/02/2017 20:06

My mum told me that when her dad died (quite young) she was so furious at the funeral that she couldn't even look anyone in the eye.

It's the unfairness, is the thing.

Take it easy on yourself.

wonderstuff · 06/02/2017 20:59

My dad died on Dec 28th, I find waves of grief overcome me, then later I just carry on, for days sometimes, until the next one. I think I'm blocking it out, I'm sure it will come and bite me hard. I feel I'm consciously pushing the grief away while I sort stuff out.
We had a holiday booked, df, my family and my brothers, db and I are still going, so much planned, the kids so excited, we're off to Disney. Just found an email from dad, I asked how much I owed him and he said that he didn't need to pay until January and 'providing no unforeseen disasters' he'd be able to cover it. Fucking unforeseen disasters. Its so sad.
I keep seeing people who look a bit like him, cars like his.
What do you say when people say theyre sorry, I know its what theyre supposed to say, but what's my response.

GallicosCats · 07/02/2017 18:04

I usually say thanks very much, with one of those thin resigned smiles that tell the world you're sort of surviving... to you. I've just lost my dad and it is weird and horrible.

Chickennuggetfeeder · 02/03/2017 21:32

so sorry for your loss op!

I lost my dad many years ago when i was 19 he dropped dead in front of me from a blood clot with no warning at all. I went completely blank and stupidly went back to work after one day off. It wasnt until the funaral it hit me and i got all the feelings you are describing. Sadly my work wernt very understanding and i had to work while all i wanted to do was stay home.

Im sorry im not being much help. But wanted to say the butterflys and other physical feelings do go. Just give yourself time and let yourself grieve and take care of yourself

Goodasgoldilox · 02/03/2017 22:23

So sorry to hear this Thyme.

Grief is something you don't have to do 'right'. Just keep going. Be and do whatever you need to. -Wish we could help more.

The butterflies
These do happen to others . Your GP can't undo grief but could help with this aspect of suffering.

It was explained to me that this is another manifestation of the 'fight or flight' response. -Bodies are built to respond to all terrible situations with 'fight or flight' and death is terrible.

Sadly, you are left with the surge of energy that would help get you out of a burning building or avoid a car crash... and nowhere to put it. Shakes - butterflies- pains - feeling sick/faint - are the result.

I know it doesn't help much now but hold on to the thought that this will get easier to bear.

Original poster

ThymeLord · 30/04/2017 20:51

I couldn't come back to this thread before. Couldn't read it all again. I actually haven't read anything I wrote, just gone to the last page.

It's 3 months on and it's all changed. That is the grief, it changes, it's like a living thing how it moves and adapts and punches you in the gut every day for random reasons. I honestly don't know how people move forwards. My mum is sinking and there's nothing we can do to help her but be there.

I don't really have a point except to say thank you to every person who posted support. It's a strange comfort to know you are not alone in this. The world keeps turning and it shouldn't be because someone is missing. All our someone's.

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Original poster

ThymeLord · 30/05/2017 00:27

Feeling very bad tonight. I just want to know where he is. Where did Dad go? I can't comprehend that he's just gone and that's it. Should it feel better by now? It doesn't. I feel like people have heard enough and think I should be ok by now.

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ilovevenice · 30/05/2017 09:25

Just saw this - please don't think there is any time limit/schedule for grieving. You will go up and down and it's only been a few months. With my mum, I've tried to hang on to the many happy memories and three years on it is definitely better, but I still have moments.

Original poster

ThymeLord · 30/05/2017 23:39

I've just finished work and come back to this. I'm embarrassed reading what I write when I'm in the grip of the sadness. It's such self indulgent waffle. I really want to be better but sometimes I can't reign it in. I think it's perhaps easier to post here, as it's relatively anonymous, than to bother people in RL with it. I really must get a grip of it. Thank you for replying ilovevenice, it's quite comforting to not feel alone.

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SnowmanSnuggles · 25/06/2017 22:12

ThymeLord how are you doing now? I am lucky enough to still have my parents but I have lost both my younger sisters (who were also my best friends in the world) and can relate so much to how I felt in the early days.They died at only 28 and 32 years old so I went through the same shock and despair you are now going through. All I can say is he only thing that really helped me was time. You probably won't believe it right now but life does become bearable again, and yes you will even be happy. I am 15 and 11 years down the line. Lots of hugs xx

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