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Original poster

My dad died on Tuesday and I feel weird

72 replies

ThymeLord · 29/01/2017 01:13

I feel devastated, broken hearted, I can't find my arse from my elbow but I feel weird. I feel like I've got butterflies in my stomach every minute of the day. From waking up until going to brd theyre there. Also, y'know that feeling you get when somebody makes you jump, and your heart leaps from chest to stomach and back again? I feel like that all the time, like my heart is jumping up and down all the time. Is that normal?

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Original poster
ThymeLord · 30/01/2017 22:43

Sorry for your loss mine Sad There's so many of us. All these walking wounded trying to be OK.

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Neglectedbythesun · 30/01/2017 22:44

Sorry for your loss. I recall anxiety which came on a nighttime until I fell asleep. Was horrible on top of the grief. Take care of yourself x

StarUtopia · 30/01/2017 22:48

So sorry for your loss. I know it's not the same, but I had these feelings exactly as you describe when I had a late miscarriage at 17 weeks, so it's obviously how the body can processes grief in the initial stages?

I also only felt 'safe' in my own lounge, in one particular chair. Going anywhere and doing anything just felt too much.

Sending prayers.

Original poster
ThymeLord · 30/01/2017 23:08

Don't say that Star. It is the same. Your loss and grief is the same and I'm sorry for it. Flowers

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Original poster
ThymeLord · 30/01/2017 23:25

TheCakes yes it was sudden. He's been unwell for about 19 months but ok with it you know? Still going out, still himself. He had cancer but was only diagnosed in december and they said it was incredibly treatable and 95% of people went on to live 10+ years. Something went wrong, I don't want to say what because it's outing and I'd hate family to think I was talking about "our business" online. But it was so fast. The way it happened I can't talk about. I want to but I'm scared to. I was there. My mum and siblings were there.

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Original poster
ThymeLord · 30/01/2017 23:31

I've written my card. It sounds pathetic.

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mineofuselessinformation · 30/01/2017 23:32

Thyme, that's ok. Talk about what you want to, leave the things that you would rather not.
'Time is new' as my DM would say. Flowers

mineofuselessinformation · 30/01/2017 23:34

And no, I don't think it does. Whatever you wrote was written with the love and sorrow you feel, wasn't it?
I felt the same way about what I put in the card for my dad - that it would never be enough, but really, it was. X

AdoraBell · 30/01/2017 23:40

Yes, completely normal OP

I felt like I was outside of myself watching on and finding it puzzling that I went through the motions of day to day life. Grief does weird things to our heads.

I'm very sorry for your loss Thanks

Original poster
ThymeLord · 30/01/2017 23:43

We didn't 'do' words. It was just all unspoken. I wish I could change that now, so badly. It's just who we both are though. I put that at the start. That he'd know how hard getting the words was.

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Lapinlapin · 30/01/2017 23:48

I'm so sorry. I'm over two years on from where you are now and it's still hard.
We didn't 'do' words either. I look back and wish I'd said more.

But there again, he knew. We didn't need to do words, because we just knew. Same for you, I'm sure.

And yes, I can relate to the panic and anxiety. For me it's the telephone. I hate the phone ringing. I jump out of my skin and can feel my heart pounding as I rush to answer it, dreading bad news. Of course it's normally just telesales! So irrational but I found out about my Dad's (sudden) death from a phone call, and I can't shake the feeling that all phone calls are bad news Sad

Original poster
ThymeLord · 30/01/2017 23:52

I'm sorry Lapin, it's horrible when you freak out at 'normal' things isn't it. Somebody took a bloody wheelie bin out earlier and dropped it, I nearly hit the ceiling with panic at the noise. What a reaction! My brother died in 2001 and my dad rang at 4 in the morning to tell me. I couldn't pick a phone up (after about 7pm!) for years after without a sinking feeling in the put of my stomach. It's like it settles in you isn't it? That feeling, that memory. The dread is always waiting to jump up and bite you.

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Original poster
ThymeLord · 30/01/2017 23:54

You are so right as well about just 'knowing' when you aren't good at words. I saw my dad cry once in nearly 40 years of him being my dad and that was at my brothers funeral. Oh no wait, he cried when our team was promoted to the premier league Smile We just knew.

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Lapinlapin · 31/01/2017 00:04

I'm so sorry you lost your brother too. You've been through a lot Sad

I guess all we can do is remember the good times. I'm a strong believer that someone is not really gone whilst their memory lives on.

Original poster
ThymeLord · 31/01/2017 00:13

I keep telling my daughter that. You're not gone as long as you're in people's hearts because they carry you with them everywhere they go. I'll start believing that soon I'm sure.

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Original poster
ThymeLord · 31/01/2017 00:15

I wish this butterfly churning gut would go. It feels like being on a roller coaster. Huge sinking drops in the stomach and massive spikes of anxiety. I've twisted and pulled my hair out so much I must have lost inches.

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Lapinlapin · 31/01/2017 00:21
Sad

Actually I have found the DC help a lot. I see my Dad in them at times. It's also strangely comforting to think they have ¼ of his genes.

Original poster
ThymeLord · 31/01/2017 00:34

I don't think it's strange, I know exactly what you mean. They aren't gone are they? If there's features and personality quirks in children and grandchildren then they aren't gone. I get that completely. My mum has always said to me "you're so like your dad" and she must be said it 10 times a day each day since Tuesday. I'm glad. I can only hope to be half the person he is. (I can't say was yet).

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Original poster
ThymeLord · 31/01/2017 00:35

*have said it. Sorry I'm blubbing and not seeing tiny phone properly.

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NavyandWhite · 31/01/2017 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mineofuselessinformation · 31/01/2017 22:29

No, Thyme, they're not gone as long as they're in your heart and your head - that is very much my belief too.
But, the huge waves can drag you down at times so you don't know when you will surface. That is what it is like for me, and maybe you too.
What I'm trying to say is that whatever you feel is what is right for you. It is a huge event on your life. Flowers

SecretWitch · 31/01/2017 22:37

My father died 15 years ago. I will miss him every day of my life.
I remember those first days and weeks after his death as dreamlike. Life was continuing on and my father was DEAD...how can that be! It just seemed so wrong that ordinary things were occurring and my darling father was no longer on this earth...

Be very kind to yourself. Grief changes you. It may come in waves and then sort of ebb away slowly.

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

LiveThroughThis · 31/01/2017 22:42

Take the time now OP. I rushed back to work and tried to push away the awful feelings. 3 months later it became clear I wasn't behaving as normally as I thought and I had to take 6 weeks off work and go through all the grief from scratch. I'm now on antianxiety meds and beta blockers. I strongly feel if i'd gone through the initial stages of grief at the time I wouldn't have crashed so hard months later.
Flowers I know it feels now that it's completely awful and horrific but what PP say is true- time does make it less raw.
I read a poem this earlier on here which has given me some peace , I'll look for it.

LiveThroughThis · 31/01/2017 22:46

Thank you for adding this MalcolmTuckersOmniShambles' , I hope you don't mind me copying it. It really struck a nerve with me Flowers

You can shed tears that she is gone
Or you can smile because she has lived
You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back
Or you can open your eyes and see all that she has left
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her
Or you can be full of the love that you shared
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday
You can remember her and only that she is gone
Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
Or you can do what she would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

Original poster
ThymeLord · 01/02/2017 20:40

Was embarrassed to come back to the thread after my horrible late night ramblings.

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone. It's been so so helpful to know people understood and cared.

Funeral tomorrow and then we'll see where we go from there I guess.

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