A month on - you really do find out who your friends are, don't you?

[saffynool]

This is a rant. I'm sorry.

Mum died a month ago. I always thought it was a cliche that you found out who your real friends are in times like this, but it's bloody true isn't it? I am so angry and upset with people that I thought were genuine close friends, and I don't know what to do with these emotions. I have had more compassion and kindness from random work colleagues than from people I've known and loved and trusted for years.

And it's not even as if mum was an abstract person, they all knew her. And my dad too, two of these friends bang on constantly about what a lovely person my dad is and how much they adore him. Cards, flowers, a phone call? Nope, nothing. I got a few texts in the first week and then nothing. Then one of them kept saying 'let me know if you want to meet for coffee', so a couple of weeks ago I did, gave her some dates she said she could do, heard nothing back. Nothing at all. She just disappeared.

The last straw has been that dp's grandmother died yesterday too. The funeral is going to fall on a day when I was supposed to be meeting up with this group of friends (for the first time since mum died). So I sent a whatsapp to them all yesterday to say I wasn't going to make it, and why. But it was a lighthearted message, nothing heavy or depressing. They have all read the message and still now, 24 hours later, not a single one has acknowledged it. Not even a 'sorry to hear that' or even a 'OK, see you soon'. Nothing.

These are people I've known for years. I thought they were my friends. I feel like screaming.

A letter is best, leaving it open for her to get back, but give her all the avenues you can and wish to reveal, e.g. phone, email, etc.

Be plain about your regrets but express hope that she will get back to you. Write about your efforts to get back in touch (without bigging yourself up).

Possibly some memories of best times in the past, and some up-todate info about yourself. Ask how she is.

All the best.

Mid My husband died a few months ago. Like others have said, I have been unable to respond even to a simple text most of the time. But almost without exception, my friends still knock on my door for a cuppa or send a text or an email or invite me for coffee/dinner. I find it exhausting talking about him as it was unexpected and traumatic and I still just can't believe he isn't here anymore. But it is virtually impossible for me to talk about anything else as I struggle to get my head around it and find it difficult to talk about mundane every day stuff without coming back to talking about him. Some days it is all I can do to actually get out of bed and get dressed. Please keep on doing what you are doing - you will never know how much it is appreciated.

needmorespace, I know what you mean, I used to think its like having a default setting, whatever I'm doing I'm always thinking about the person I lost, it always comes back to them, whatever I'm doing. I'm so sorry for your loss

ssd and me for yours
it's very hard this grieving isn't it. I am also struggling with supporting my daughter as she is the one who found him. And it is my friends that have kept me going along with my mum and niece. I truly have the most wonderful group of friends and I never knew it.

I'm glad you have this, good friends make a difference.

sorry you are feeling so sh*t. I found anger was part of grief, huge, overwhelming anger at people for not doing things how I felt they should. I have never felt rage like it. I also think I pushed a few friends away who couldn't handle it. Further down the line I can see it was a grief reaction.

In the early days, I felt angrier at the lack of support and care , than I did sad at the death of my loved one. I got ONE card and it was not even acknowledged it at work. I can still feel myself getting upset when I start thinking about it too much.

BUT. As time passed, I realised what any others here are trying to tell you. That unless someone is v empathetic, they just cannot begin to understand bereavement. It really is a case that the world is divided between those who have lost and those who haven't.

I know you're hurting and mad and want to scream. You must try not to let it hurt your friendships. I am a lone parent and have felt the same anger to non lone parent friends for not understanding/appearing to care about mu daily struggles. People just are absorbed in their daily lives. Are you sure you have always supported friends as much as you could have done when they went through times you couldn't relate to?

Can you try to let get of expectations a little and spend that energy looking after yourself. I found in the aftermath of grief that physical exercise helped because I could direct all my pain into the pain of running.

What you're feeling is normal and understandable. I hope you are ok.

I hear u I have the same problem. But yesterday my friend sister died a yr ago an I was helping her get things set up at the club hse it turned out great I cleaned before an at the I ended up cleaning up after every one not one person would help me I was so pissed I wanted to scream.

I would like some advice please as I am unsure what to do. My father passed away this spring and we had his funeral took place abroad. Subsequently, my long term friend from school was unable to attend. I received a text message from her before I left to go abroad and then I texted her when I arrived home. Whereupon, she texted me back. After that text I didn't hear from herror for 3 months. During this time period I did ring her once to let her know I needed to see her. Then nothing for a few more weeks. No card nothing. I then started to have angry feelings towards her. Out of the blue she texted to meet me to meet as though nothing had happened. I was going to meet her but thought it was best that I let her know how I was feeling before we met fir a drink. I apologised to her before telling her i felt neglected by her and I had some angry feelings as a result... I asked her could we talk about this. She started blaming me as I should have texted her to make the arrangements to meet.. she went on to become increasingly more and more angry and would not let me talk.. keep screaming and shouting at me. I said we are unable to talk about this whilst she was shouting at me. She then kept screaming at me to go away. This was a month ago and I have not heard from her since. Please advise me...

Yes. It really is true. I am sorry, it hurts.

Thank you for your kind words.

I am wondering if I am expecting too much from my friend. Is this usual behaviour or have I been treated badly?

Just two text messages received from long term friend when my father died...then no contact for weeks...is this enough support? Please advise..

It's odd, I was just just talking to my adult DS about this, and how I/we got more sympathy (and tangible gestures of sympathy) when our cat recently died than when my father died.

(We live in England, if it's relevant.)

Yes, received more sympathy from this particular friend when my dog passed away.

@Gingertie

I would like some advice please as I am unsure what to do. My father passed away this spring and we had his funeral took place abroad. Subsequently, my long term friend from school was unable to attend. I received a text message from her before I left to go abroad and then I texted her when I arrived home. Whereupon, she texted me back. After that text I didn't hear from herror for 3 months. During this time period I did ring her once to let her know I needed to see her. Then nothing for a few more weeks. No card nothing. I then started to have angry feelings towards her. Out of the blue she texted to meet me to meet as though nothing had happened. I was going to meet her but thought it was best that I let her know how I was feeling before we met fir a drink. I apologised to her before telling her i felt neglected by her and I had some angry feelings as a result... I asked her could we talk about this. She started blaming me as I should have texted her to make the arrangements to meet.. she went on to become increasingly more and more angry and would not let me talk.. keep screaming and shouting at me. I said we are unable to talk about this whilst she was shouting at me. She then kept screaming at me to go away. This was a month ago and I have not heard from her since. Please advise me...

My father passed away few months ago. My long term friend only sent me couple of text messages, then i did not hear from her for months. When I told her I felt neglected she shouted at me and told me I should have let her know I wanted to talk about my grief. Have not heard from her for weeks. Should I contact her. Please help would like some advice

I thinks PP has been a bit unfair and conversely too generous. I have never had parents but have still been able to support three friends as two lost her mum and the other her dad. I make a note in my phone of the date of death and text each year to say I am thinking of them plus message before and after the funeral. I'll never know how it feels to lose a parent who loved you but it isn't difficult to show kindness to someone you care about.