A month on - you really do find out who your friends are, don't you?

[saffynool]

This is a rant. I'm sorry.

Mum died a month ago. I always thought it was a cliche that you found out who your real friends are in times like this, but it's bloody true isn't it? I am so angry and upset with people that I thought were genuine close friends, and I don't know what to do with these emotions. I have had more compassion and kindness from random work colleagues than from people I've known and loved and trusted for years.

And it's not even as if mum was an abstract person, they all knew her. And my dad too, two of these friends bang on constantly about what a lovely person my dad is and how much they adore him. Cards, flowers, a phone call? Nope, nothing. I got a few texts in the first week and then nothing. Then one of them kept saying 'let me know if you want to meet for coffee', so a couple of weeks ago I did, gave her some dates she said she could do, heard nothing back. Nothing at all. She just disappeared.

The last straw has been that dp's grandmother died yesterday too. The funeral is going to fall on a day when I was supposed to be meeting up with this group of friends (for the first time since mum died). So I sent a whatsapp to them all yesterday to say I wasn't going to make it, and why. But it was a lighthearted message, nothing heavy or depressing. They have all read the message and still now, 24 hours later, not a single one has acknowledged it. Not even a 'sorry to hear that' or even a 'OK, see you soon'. Nothing.

These are people I've known for years. I thought they were my friends. I feel like screaming.

A colleague / friend at work is going through exactly what upyou describe OP.
She's very disappointed in old childhood friends who've barely acknowledged her loss

I nodded away as soon as I saw this title. I don't generally hold a grudge but I know who my friends are now.

saffy my mum passed away just a couple of days before yours. Your experience is sadly it unique. My dad is getting work done in his house and his friends son is doing the electrical work. I was round one day and he asked "how are YOU doing"?. I actually didn't know what to reply because I think it was the first person who had asked me and genuinely seemed interested in my reply. Interestingly, his mum died 4 years ago so he knows how it feels. It helped speaking to him.

One of my good friends.......saw her the day after my mum passed and I walked towards her and she said "aargh I so tired" and engaged in gym chat. To be fair I had went to a gym class but I thought I might have gotten a cuddle or had her ask how I was. She didn't and I won't forget that.

It's hard. Look after yourself x

I have been so grateful for the kindness of some friends and some people who were not really close friends before DS died, but have been amazingly supportive since.

You really do find out who cares when the worst happens.

I think it is the case that some people just don't get it. They are unable to understand/empathise.

One individual in particular who is supposedly a very "close friend" of DH has been a complete arse. I am not surprised by this but DH is very hurt by it.

I completely agree with the posts here. In my case it was my sister who showed the least empathy to me. When I told her someone I loved had died, she was annoyed as it interfered with her 30 something daughters holiday. I had only family who showed no care to me, friends were good though. But family, no. I dont see them now.

I think a lot of it is about whether someone has experienced bereavement. I lost my mum during the last year of my degree, my friends didn't know how to deal with my loss. Now we are all older and better at both sympathy and empathy.

This is such a sad and revealing thread.

I haven't had a bereavement. I am the 'friend'. I have reached the point 5 months down the line where I am starting to wonder if my messages are just one more thing for her to deal with. I would hate to be an annoyance when her life is hard enough.
Our relationship has always been slow. We live at opposite ends of the country and have very different lives. We can go months without contact before sudden intense bursts. In fact, her brothers illness sparked contact for the first time in well over a year. If there is such a thing as a good death then his wasn't one. The first few weeks I found it easy to find things to say but as time goes on I worry it is not appropriate to say the same sort of thing I would have said in the first few days. I worry about opening up the wounds that time is supposed to be healing.
If I ask her how she is she doesn't always answer, but if she does it's always honest, or it sounds honest. It's never 'fine, how are you'. She talks about the pain and waves of sadness and her guilt. I try to not ask too many questions, because when I do she rarely answers them but it's hard to keep a dialogue going when one person is doing 90% of the talking.

I've got into the habit of messaging her 1-2 times a week, not with any grand thoughts but mostly dumb little things about my day that I know she will find funny or things that have been on the news. I ask her how she is, and how her Dad is and sometimes she answers and sometimes she doesn't. Sometimes it will be weeks without anything then 10 messages at once with an avalanche of feeling. I think I will keep on keeping on, based on the annoyance of over contact is maybe less than the isolation of thinking nobody gives a shit.

mid - believe - your friend will be grateful for your continued efforts, even if she isn't in a good enough place to respond. The waves of pain and sadness that she talks of are very, very painful. They grip you so hard, at the least expected moments. I had these regularly for about 18 months after my mum died. I could be driving and have to pull over and sob my heart out until they passed. The distance between them gets longer but it takes time. I had one the other day as we come up to the anniversary of her death. Someone much wiser than me said of bereavement, 'we don't get over it, we simply learn to live with it'.
Maybe text something like, 'No need to answer, but I'm just checking in with you. Thinking of you and sending lots of love'.
It will be remembered and really appreciated.

Texts are very comforting when you can't speak through sobbing and tears.
Some days I can't pick up the phone or face anyone, but a text from someone who cares means a lot.

mid, you're being such good friend. Do keep it up; so thoughtful, so kind.

You do and you don't - I'm so sorry you've lost your mum, and I am sure your friends are too, but people don't always know what to say and sometimes they handle it badly. It doesn't make them bad people. When we lost my dad, several of my friends and my DH, who loved him very much, were utterly distraught to the point I had to spend time comforting them instead of the other way around, which didn't help either.

It's membership of the shittest club in the world, and it's so personal that there's no right thing people can do or say. In turn, you may well find that next time someone close to you loses a parent, you are the 'shit friend' because this horrible time is so personal to you that you still won't know what to say to someone else in this situation.

Take the good, and the helpful where you can. Accept that not everyone knows what to do. And know that while this never really passes, it does get easier.

I can't accept that, I'm sorry but I can't. I'm so fed up with hearing 'oh people just don't know what to say'. I am pissed off, hugely pissed off about being dumped by a friend who insisted I give her dates when I could meet her, and then completely disappeared when I did. And about a group - 6 people! - not one of whom could even be bothered to say, 'sorry you can't make it to dinner', by text. That's not people being stuck for the right words to deal with my grief, that's selfish twats who are showing me they don't give a fuck.

I'm not angry that no-one has brought me a casserole or sat up with me all night while I cry. I don't need to cry on anyone's shoulder. I don't need to talk about it endlessly. I'm not going to embarrass anyone. I'm just angry that even the most basic rules of friendship have gone out the window, just the basic politeness, that people have actually behaved towards me in ways they wouldn't have done five weeks ago, and we excuse it. Because I've had the temerity to have my mum die, suddenly I need to 'accept' that my friends are going to dump me, ignore me? We excuse it! It's pathetic, I'm sorry but it is.

I totally, totally disagree that there's 'no right thing people can do or say' - just be a fucking decent human being, it's not hard. Just say, I'm so sorry, that's shit. That's all.

It's not good enough to just say 'oh people find it hard'. Poor people. How 'embarrassing' and 'difficult' for them, to be expected to acknowledge how shit it is to have to sit through another funeral 3 weeks after your own mother's. My heart bleeds.

I'm sorry, this is just me venting, it's not directed at anyone in particular. I just need to get it out here because I can't say this to anyone else and I'm not allowed to kick the cat [wry smile]

The thing is you sort of have to accept it, because there's sweet FA you can do about it. It is really, really shit but don't waste time adding resentment to your grief - being angry at people is a really good way to shift focus and it helps for a little bit but it doesn't do anything in the long term apart from make you angrier and more miserable.

The thing is you sort of have to accept it, because there's sweet FA you can do about it. It is really, really shit but don't waste time adding resentment to your grief - being angry at people is a really good way to shift focus and it helps for a little bit but it doesn't do anything in the long term apart from make you angrier and more miserable.

I know you're right fenella. I do really. I'm just not in that place of acceptance or forgiveness at the moment, I suppose. And yes to shifting focus, I know I'm doing that and it won't help in the long run but dammit it's just shit.

I'm not infectious, I don't need to be quarantined until society deems me recovered enough to function in the world again. I just want to say to them, you know you can't actually 'catch grief', don't you?

It has been really helpful to rant here though, and I'm so sorry for those of you who have been through the same. MN has its faults but at times like this it can be bloody fantastic.

I know. It's been 2 years since we lost my dad, and I miss him every day. I was really angry with a lot of people, in fact with the world in general for quite a while, but I realised all I was doing was making myself more isolated in the long run. It's totally fine to think that everyone's being a bit of a dick, hey sse they completely are, but that's because they are lucky enough not to get how it feels - they aren't doing it on purpose, and they don't want to hurt you.

Midcentury...what you are doing is lovely...as someone who is the friend being texted I can say that those texts really help me...even months later but there are days when I can't reply to my friends txt..the pain just overwhelms you in a way that you never expect and it's all I can do to keep my kids safe and fed...on those days I need to get the texts from my friend I just can't reply.. So she doesn't worry we have a simple solution..I simply txt back 'X'.. She knows then I'm ok but having a bad day...she then texts me the next day or when I can I reply...

Saffynool...I agree....I'm fed up being treated like a sort of infectious creature..the people who were supposed to be my friends who are avoid me now and ignore me are shit....I don't care that they don't know what to say, I don't care if they say the wrong thing...what I do care about is that they ignore me/cross the road/don't invite me out/txt me...it is shit behaviour and I hate it.. They are no longer my friends because of it...it's amazing to me everyday that I have had in the depths of my grief to learn to be on my own simply because people don't want to deal with sadness....on my especially bad days I think 'just you wait until it's your turn'...I hate that I think that but I do...I have learned just how nasty people can be but also how good others can be... Grief has no time scale..I don't want to be a wreck or miserable..I don't want to have to find a new normal but I will for the sake of my kids...the people who have crossed the street or ignored me can go jump- it's their loss... And sadly one day they might realise just how shit they have treated me but it will be too late... I won't ever treat anyone the way I have been treated...sorry for my rant..bad day today

Posted a long message earlier and lost it. Mid - you sound very considerate. I would consider myself lucky to have a friend like you.

Posting in two halves in case I zap the message again.
I am with Saffy re how I feel about friends avoiding me etc. The proverbial cat has been well and truly kicked here. I find it hard to accept an adult cannot find the emotional intelligence to say I am sorry. I judge those friends who have been rubbish and will remember it. If the sum of parts of the friendship over time looks like this is a friendship I should let go, this will be part of it.

I am sure I will judge them less harshly over time, but right now I am unimpressed with some.

Ok, so I am one of those crap friends and feel very guilty about it 10 years later. We lived abroad at the time when my old uni friend lost her husband. I never got to see her soon afterwards and then felt so guilty that I never got round to getting back in touch. I was and still am very ashamed. I now live in the same country and could probably find her if I tried quite hard. But I still feel dreadful. Should i get in touch or not. I would like to be friends again, but is it too late?

BillyJoel, it's never too late for someone to try to make amends in this way, but be prepared to take it on the chin if your belated efforts are knocked back.

Give it a go. At the very worst you'll have the satisfaction of having done the right thing. At best you might re-start a friendship.

If it was me Billyjoel and I knew you genuinely meant it I would accept an apology..but that's me..ten years is a long time but it might be healing for you both?

I'm another one who cant forgive. Its made me more isolated and I'm eaten up with resentment. I've had counselling. I cant stop how I feel, its in my very soul. I know it hurts no one but me. Its a family thing with me, its people I thought cared about me, the same way I care about them. But a year after my loss my sister told me "oh yeah we all forgot about you", that was that, that explained no phone calls or texts for a year...I'm done with them now. Not what I wanted or ever expected, but its how it is.

mid, you sound wonderful. I remember a friend who came round to my house out the blue and I cried and cried but so appreciated her thinking
of me.

billy joel, I'd try, it might make such a difference.

Ssd...I know what you mean it's hard...I have a large family..three of them haven't spoken to me since day of funeral... Mainly I think because I dared to stay at hospital more or less constantly in the last month of my Mums death because she wanted me there and because up until the last couple of days I was the only one she would 'communicate' with and the nurses often came and got me from corridor to help them with her even if the others were there... They didn't like that much..l don't like them much either..
They didn't even get in touch when one of my kids was seriously ill and rushed to hospital recently to see if I needed help..sod the lot of them...
My counsellor says self protect- put kids and me first as a unit and let the rest of them run on....

yes my counsellor said the same, I'm keeping back from them as a means of protection too

Thanks for the advice. I now have found her house on google earth. So i know the street and postcode. Do I knock on the door and risk making a bad job of explaining, or craft a letter which will express it more clearly, but she may not respond/reply. Would you yourself like more time to consider my apology - I don't want to put her on the spot. Sorry to hijack, but you are the best people to give me good advice on how to do this, as I think i will only get one shot at it.