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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

18 today, no cards, no presents, just nothing.

63 replies

Happybirthdayangel · 13/08/2016 10:41

I can't believe it. My boy is 18, should be 18, I don't even know how to say it anymore.

I am lying in bed hiding away and crying my eyes out.

It's been so many years now but the pain is so raw on days like this still.

I can't do it anymore I just want to curl up and the pain to be gone now.

I should be taking him out for his first pint, I should have bought him his first car already, I should be disapproving of his girlfriends and rolling my eyes as he attempts to iron his work stuff before I take over.

Instead I have some photos and a blanket and clothes that don't smell of him anymore.

My gorgeous boy, gone but never forgotten.

OP posts:
Diamogs · 13/08/2016 11:39
Flowers
pensivepolly · 13/08/2016 11:42

I am so sorry. More sorry than I can say. Today is the anniversary of the day my close friend's teenage son died a few years ago. Every year is full of painful anniversaries for her and her family. Sending lots of hugs to you.
And to you, Mrs DeVere.

Mummyme1987 · 13/08/2016 11:45

I'm so sorry, you both have got to go through this awful pain. I wish all that are suffering the loss of a child some kind of peace. Xx

IthinkIamsinking · 13/08/2016 11:47

I am so so sorry you are going through such a painful time. Sending you a virtual hug OP. Flowers

catlovingdoctor · 13/08/2016 11:48

So very sorry for you x sending my deepest best wishes and sympathy x

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 13/08/2016 11:48

Brew Flowers and lots of loving thoughts

ohdearme1958 · 13/08/2016 11:48

OP, I dont know what to say to you by way of consoling you because I dont think there is any consoling. But I really did just want to acknowledge your heartbreak and the love you have for your wee boy.

xxxxxxx

CrazyCavalierLady · 13/08/2016 11:55
Flowers
workshyfop · 13/08/2016 11:58

Thinking of you and sending strength Flowers

ScottishSmegHead · 13/08/2016 11:59

I'm so, so sorry you're going through this too. There is no pain like losing your child, but it only hurts so much because you love so much. The milestones are the hardest, my son should have been 2 in June but my twins were born 10 weeks early and he only lived for an hour. Yesterday was their due date and I should have had 2 healthy children celebrating their birthday. No one remembered which made it worse. But please be gentle to yourself and take it easy. Sending love and wishing your son a very happy birthday Flowers

Original poster
Happybirthdayangel · 13/08/2016 12:02

Thank you all for taking the time to reply.

I have nobody irl to talk to and the kindness you are showing by acknowledging my boys day is amazing and means the world to me.

I am up now, had a whole bunch of cuddles from my dc and shed a few tears with them and feel a bit calmer now.

I was looking through his photos. He was the first baby I had ever dressed and boy does it show. Socks and a hat that were far too big, a tiny pair of shorts and a massive chunky cardigan and his little face looks like he's eye rolling at my attempt. I got a bit better with time and at points he even looked a bit trendy as trendy as neon green ever looks

I found the letter I got from the organ donation people too. I spared a little thought for those people today and wonder if they are sparing a thought today for him. I hope so, I know it sounds selfish but I just so want him to be remembered.

OP posts:
Original poster
Happybirthdayangel · 13/08/2016 12:03

Scottish I am so very sorry Flowers

OP posts:
2old2beamum · 13/08/2016 12:19

My heart goes out to you.
Our beautiful boy died 12 years ago and it still hurts. The pain is is never ending but I now I embrace the pain as it is the only tangible thing I have left .....it is the price you pay for loving but is necessary.

On our beautiful boys birthday we go down to the sea and throw a rose in the sea (we scattered his ashes in the sea so he could see the world)

Take care and try to have happy memories

God this has been cathartic XX

ohdearme1958 · 13/08/2016 12:21

I bet your boy was just the bees knees in his neon green finery. Smile

A bit like how my son looked in a pair of legging/tights things I knitted for him about 37 years ago. It was my first attempt at knitting and I think I did well even though one leg could have been doubled over to the back of his knee. And it wasn't as if he'd have ever grown into them because there's no way he'd have ever grown lopsided to any extent - let alone that extent.

I hope its ok to ask how long you had your wee boy with you?

xx

Original poster
Happybirthdayangel · 13/08/2016 12:32

2old I am so sorry. I know what you mean about the pain being the only tangible thing. If I didn't have this pain in my heart then it would be another little bit of him gone.

ohdear He never made it to his second birthday. It was a real shock. Although I knew he was poorly he was expected to be OK, then one day he just wasn't and it seemed like the next minute I was being asked to turn his life support off. He did look awesome in neon green though, maybe the whole tracksuit with matching socks was too much though, my poor boy ended up looking like he should be in a bag of skittles.

OP posts:
ohdearme1958 · 13/08/2016 12:41

my poor boy ended up looking like he should be in a bag of skittles

Grin

You have such a way of sharing your memories of him.

Im so sorry you and yours are going through this heartbreak, but thank you for telling us about him and creating such a wonderful picture of the both of you in my mind.

A big hug to you if its ok. xxxxx

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/08/2016 12:48

I hope that he is having a fine old time in Heaven today, celebrating his 18th and looking down on you and your family. Whether or not you believe in Heaven, or spirit afterlife, or anything like that - it's a nice thought that they're still keeping a watch over you. I know it gives me comfort to think that my mum and my dearest grandparents do get to see my boys after all, albeit from the "other side".

So sorry that he's not here in the flesh to enjoy it all with you xx Thanks

HermioneWeasley · 13/08/2016 12:51

I am so sorry for your loss. Happy birthday to your son. Love to you and your family. 🎂

ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 13/08/2016 12:53

OP, he was loved very much, and still is. That's the best any of us can hope for in life. Lucky boy to have such a wonderful mother.

bigsnugglebunny · 13/08/2016 12:56

I am so, so sorry for your loss. Flowers I can't even begin to imagine what you have been through.

Not very good with words at the best of times but I think that the people who received his organs will probably think about him and what you and he gave to them every single day of their lives. X

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 13/08/2016 13:26

Big hugs xx

He should be here with you all, you should be doing all of those things.

Get through today however you can, your teen sounds onto it & they'll be fine. Bake cakes if you feel up it it later. Maybe have a beer or two for him.

I'm not at all religious but I love churches & I choose to believe there is a life after this one, so when I'm away I go into beautiful churches & light candles for my Dad & other family, and for my MN friends children who have gone far too soon. I'm staying just opposite a very very beautiful church & I will go now and light one for our 'Skittle' xx

MadisonAvenue · 13/08/2016 13:30

Sending you lots of love, life is so bloody unfair Flowers

Original poster
Happybirthdayangel · 13/08/2016 13:32

Thanks again everyone.

A hug is much appreciated ohdear Thank you.

I'm not sure what to believe with regards to heaven. I can't bear to think it might not be real and that the time I had with my son was just that. It would be amazing if he was celebrating his 18th somewhere and laughing at my attempts to bake charcoal, I mean cakes, with his siblings.

I'm sure you are right about the people who got their organ transplants. I hope so anyway. It's comforting to think that they might be thinking of my son today.

OP posts:
Original poster
Happybirthdayangel · 13/08/2016 13:33

will go now and light one for our 'Skittle'

I'm in tears again. Thank you so much, that is such a beautiful and kind gesture xxxx

OP posts:
2rainbows56 · 13/08/2016 16:10

Just wanted to say so sorry about your boy .I know how hard birthdays are to cope with. I lost my little boy at just a few days old he would be a teenager this year.Thinking of you today .