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Original poster

Just wanted to talk about my brother

38 replies

andi0411 · 17/01/2007 00:16

I used to be a regular on here last year- on the ttc after m/c and then on the due June 07. In Oct I had a car crash , luckily the baby is ok as is my dad, but I ended up on bed rest for a few weeks through Nov.
In Dec the police contacted my mum to say that my brother, who lives overseas, had committed suicide- he was 36 yrs old with 2 small children- divorced. He suffered from bi polar or manic depression as it was known but had successfully held down a high level job and maintained super contact with his kids after the divorce.
My mum had him brought back to the U.K to be buried in a local cemetary- but whilst he was in the funeral place I went to see him and it broke my heart. We buried him 3 days before Xmas.
I loved him so much, i don't know why I'm typing all this except this site always helped me re: my m/c's, my ttc and my preg.
I'm going for my 20 week scan in the morning and can feel my baby kicking now.
Just wanted to share this- my grief is still so very raw I hardly know how I'm going on at all.

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 17/01/2007 00:17

I am so sorry for your loss.

x

VeniVidiVickiQV · 17/01/2007 00:17

I am so sorry for your loss.

x

thelittleElf · 17/01/2007 00:17

Sometimes it helps just to write down how we are feeling....sending you big hugs xx

ManchesterMum · 17/01/2007 00:18

Just wanted to give you a hug (((((())))))

Nice to hear that your baby is kicking, hope the scan goes well tomorrow.

jampots · 17/01/2007 00:19

sorry for your loss andi. it must be incredibly hard to deal with your grief whilst at a very joyous time in your life with baby on the way. please contact Cruse who can help you come to terms with it. im sure there must be a support network for those left behind after suicide

xxx

Original poster
andi0411 · 17/01/2007 00:19

Thanks- I knew I could rely on you guys to just say the right thing.

OP posts:
mrsnoah · 17/01/2007 00:23

What an awful time you have had andi0411.

Amongst all the pain is a little ray of sunlight; your baby.

Tomorrow, try to push your grief aside for just a little while and allow yourself to enjoy seeing your baby and imagining life with him/her in a matter of months and the new happiness they will bring to you.

PinkTulips · 17/01/2007 00:27

i'm so sorry for you and your family {{{hugs}}}

EllieK · 17/01/2007 00:41

every time you feel low, just try to think that your brother's spirit will live on thro his niece/nephew
and perhaps start a scrapbook that you can show the baby in the future, all the good things about your bro, might help you to focus on the good parts of his life rather than the sadness at the end?

Original poster
andi0411 · 17/01/2007 00:41

Thanks again- I am so looking forward to seeing the LO tomorrow- it is my one ray of happiness at the moment.
The problems I've had are ,I suppose, the expected guilt that I couldn't help, that he couldn't call and ask or that it wasn't a cry for help. I spoke to his boss at his work and he had supposedly had a great week?? He had e mailed the week b4 and told my mum that the meds seemed to be working fine and that he was looking forward to booking some time off in June to see my baby.
You know there's still so much stigma attached to suicide- it's like i feel if he had died in a car crash or of cancer then his death would not be about how he died but that he was dead- at the mo i feel that I can see something in peoples eyes where they're thinking about the suicide and not about him- iykwim...?????
Going to bed now- up early for the scan but will let you know how it goes and thanks so so much again.

OP posts:
EllieK · 17/01/2007 00:48

try to get some sleep hun x

brimfull · 17/01/2007 01:01

God what an awful thing to happen .I have a really good friend with manic depression ,such an awful disease.Don't feel guilty,your db obviously hid his deep depression very well.
As the others have said,you have your baby to look forward to ,thank god you are all well again.
Take care of yourself.
Enjoy the scan.

sandcastles · 17/01/2007 01:34

I am so so sorry for your loss.

Budababe · 17/01/2007 06:22

So sorry andi.

maisym · 17/01/2007 07:06

sorry for you andi.

Novacane · 17/01/2007 11:21

Sorry for your loss Andi,

I lost my BF to suicide in May 2004- when my first born was 5 weeks old- so I kinda know what it's like.

You will ask the what if/ why/ etc questions for a long time, and feel terribly guilty, as I did for so long, but eventually I came to terms with the fact that everything was out of my control, doesn't stop it hurting like hell though.

thinking of you at this time, and good luck with the scan!!

LRWG · 17/01/2007 12:10

Oh Andi I hope that your scan goes well today and that you find some solace in seeing your little one!

Hulababy · 17/01/2007 12:21

I am so sorry to hear about your brother

linjasmom · 17/01/2007 20:16

I am so sorry.... sending a big hug your way! I lost my beloved Ma while I was 18 weeks pg, so I kinda know what you feel. Be as positive as you can for the LO, but don't suppress your grief and bottle it up is one advice I have. Take care, I will be thinking of you.

Marshmellow · 17/01/2007 20:25

Am not particularly close to my brother but when i think about how upsetting i would find all this, it must be even harder when you were very close. You must speak about how you are feeling and don't try to block it out and try to focus on the happy and impending birth of your baby. I real mixture of feelings i know but you do need to grieve.

Beauregard · 17/01/2007 20:38

Sorry you are going through this awful time
I know exactly how you must feel as my only sister comitted suicide.You will think of your brother often ,you will hurt lots ,you will be angry ,very angry at him,you will feel guilty ,you will retrace conversations and examine every iota of your relationship with him,but you will learn to live like this.
I hope that it helps to know that you are not alone .
Very sorry for you,your brother and your family.

lionheart · 17/01/2007 21:04

I am so sorry that you and your family are suffering in this way. I know it probably feels like someone reached into your chest and ripped your heart out right now but eventually the shock will begin to wear off. The kind of grief that people experience after suicide is different in some ways than other kinds of loss. As PFNM says, you can torment yourself with the questions and 'what ifs' but as someone once said to me, "there is no point in constantly running these questions through your mind because there is only one person who can possibly give you the answers you are looking for and he is no longer able to do so."
I know that all of this isn't helped by the fact that some people do find mental illness and suicide difficult to comprehend ... But you keep in mind the things you loved about you brother and the future you have with you baby.

corblimeymadam · 17/01/2007 22:20

This reply has been deleted

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Uki · 18/01/2007 04:49

Hello Andi

I have thought of you often, and wondered how you are???

I am so sorry to hear about your brother, you understandabily must be devestated. I think being pregnant you are probably having an even harder time with your raw emotions and grief.

Have you thought about seeing a grief counsellor, i think this would help as they are so experienced, and you brothers death seems so tragic. I am so sorry.

How was the scan?????????

I have missed you from here. Best wishes hun.

NewMoonOnMonday · 18/01/2007 06:08

Oh, I'm so sorry Andi. What a traumatic time you've had!

I do hope that seeing your baby brings you comfort today. I remember at one of my scans DS (didn't know he was a boy at the time) put his hand up and I could see this perfect hand. I'd been so sad before then but seeing that little hand lifted my spirits so much.

I have no experience with suicide. My sister has attempted a few times and it has hurt me so much. My partner lost touch with a friend and found out years later that he'd taken his life - he also suffered with bi-polar. I never met him but I heard wonderful things about him and so many people were affected by his death. I can't even begin to imagine your grief - I'm so very sorry

Take care of yourself love. Wishing you a year full of hope and new beginnings with the arrival of your baby. Please shout if you need help though xx