My MIL died yesterday, I feel so guilty.......

[SmileysPeople]

I can't stop crying.
We weren't close we had a difficult relationship. I found her standoffish and cold.
But she had so many friends and they are all so upset and taliking about how kind and wonderful she was. And she was, but the two of us together could not 'gel'.
I wish I'd made more of an effort and gotten over our difficulties, bit it's too late now. I hope I didn't make her unhappy.
Has anyone else experienced something similar?

Please some one respond.
I cannot have this conversation in RL, everyone is so grief stricken.
I am just crying and crying.

I don't ahve ant relevant experience, but I'm sorry you're going through this

Just wanted to respond to you, you sound so upset. I haven't had this experience but would feel the exact same way as you do now if, God forbid, anything was to happen to my MIL.

Myself and my MIL aren't close, we just don't "get" each other...you have inspired me to make more of an effort.

Please don't feel guilty.

I'm sure a lot of people must have experienced this. for you and DH.

Sorry about your MIL.

My mum and my grandma had a similar relationship, and she felt the same as you when my grandma died. At the time I didn't get it at all, but it is as you say. She was a good woman. But sometimes two good people just don't, can't get close. It's a personality thing, and when it's complicated by the whole MIL/DIL relationship, it makes it even harder.

Don't know what else to say really.

Take care.

No experience to share (my DH's mother died before I met him), but sympathies to you.

When someone dies they are often evangelised, often unrealistically. Don't feel guilty because you didn't necessarily see her that way. I'm sure you both did the best you could. Be kind to yourself.

Make sure you are there for your DH and your children, looking after them at this difficult time is what is most important now.

I'm sorry for your family's loss. Not experienced anything similar yet but dh has no relationship with his mother and I do worry about him feeling like you do now in years to come.

The thing is, I know it;s not his fault they don't get on. It's not your fault about your relationship with your mil either - please be kind to yourself.

Oh Smiley, I'm so sorry .

Do try not to feel guilty. We can't "gel" with everyone, however hard we try. It's wonderful that she had so many friends who are remembering her.

It's partly the shock as well, you know - guilt is a common reaction to bad news like this. Be kind to yourself. xx

i'm sorry for your loss. Please don't feeel guilty. Unless you deliberately tried to avoid establishing a relationship with your MIL, youa re not to blame. It is as others have said, an often difficult relationship not least because neither party has in any way 'chosen' the other,as you would a friend; neither do you have the sahred histories of genetic family.

Its a normal part of grief to experience guilt, everybody does it and it is required before passing onto the next stage.

I will offer you this quote from a grief website: 'I think the trick here is to understand that the feelings will occur, try to keep them in perspective, try to understand why you feel a certain way, and if there are any unresolved issues that cause particular emotional pain, forgive yourself and others and if necessary talk with someone about it.'

That's all yu an do, really.

Hugs to you and your family.

Thankyou all for responding, these thoughts are really helping.

She was a good woman, we did both try at times, I'm just wishing now I'd tried harder. I know this is normal (I am busy reassuring everyone else at the momment that they must not feel gulity.)

Thnakyou all.

Don't feel bad

You CAN'T "gel" with EVERYONE

We all just bumble through the days doing the best we can in the circumstances

Try to accept that it is OKAY that you didn't get on well

SmileysPeople

So sorry you are feeling this way. I have never got on with my MIL - she is by all accounts a difficult woman. My SIL feels the same but she gets on better with her. In my case a total personality clash. I have tried but have never got anywhere.

I so identify with your experience about everyone else saying how well they get on with her making you feel inadequate. I feel that all the time at family gatherings etc. It has occurred to me that some people show a better side to those outside the family. Also you just can't help it if you don't get together in what is a difficult relationship anyway. I am sure you did your best. All this is also compounded because your dh and everyone in his family is bound to feel different. After all, she was their relative. I feel for you and hope you will be able to come to terms with situation. Hope this helps.

My MIL had loads of friends, but just couldn't seem to be close to her family. She seemed to find more superficial realtionships easier soemhow.
I have been thinking about this and it wasn't just me she was standoffish with, she was also like this with her other DIL and even with her sons. But her friends found her really warm and caring.
I guess we are all different with different groups of people and I have to accept she was different in these relationships.

I do wish we could have been closer though. I'm sure we would have both liked that, but somehow we could not acheive it,and it's too late now.

Thankyou whitecloud, x posts.

That is exactly how it always seemed to me, she always showed her best side to those outside the family, this seemed to be more important to her.

Also she couldn't cope with conversation beyond the superficial or small talk, so to me she always seemed 'closed', whereas she had lots of friends and I don't think they expected talk beyond this.

When I had DS1 I thought she would share all her experiences, but she never wanted to talk about this or anything else about herself. She was very private but to me it seemed cold.

Obviously these are things I cannot say at the momment, evryone is so grief stricken. As am I. I will miss her, she was part of our life, even if a difficult part. I'm crying again.

Smiley, my MIL died suddenly at the end of the summer a few days after a brain haemmorhage. It was only when she was gone that I realised how much I too loved her. I wouldn't say our relationship was "difficult" as such but I know she thought I had a lot of weird ideas and although she was a very clever woman, she wouldn't budge on her opinions so many a time she annoyed me and probably I, her. We had very different approaches..my family have everything out in the open, hers put their heads in the sand (as I see it!) nd pretend problems don't exist as far as possible. This always bugged the hell out of me and I know my thinking has rubbed off on DH over the years which must MIL must have noticed. I have still not shared these thoughts with DH even months later; he is still grieving; he wouldn't want to hear my random thoughts on his mum who only came into my life a decade ago. DIL's have a strange roll in these circumstances I think.

I wish we could have been closer. I remember feeling surprised at how much a cried (alone) after we lost her. Also didn't know whether I was crying for my own loss or DH's as I felt so bad for him and his siblings. Still do.

It will get easier. You shouldn't be feeling guilty but it's natural and normal that you do for a while.

That also rings bells with me Shinyhappypeople, I am open and assertive, and I think she found this threatening. Her way, and the family way was to ignore things,basiclly 'evrything is OK as long as no one says anything' was the mentality. It drove me mad. And I drove her mad, I'm sure.
But I am going to miss her so much, she was part of our family,I'm so sad for DH, for the children and most of all for FIL. I'm going to look after him SO well, just for her!

MY MIL died 2 years ago when ds was 6 months. She was absolutely lovely without a bad bone in her body but it hadn't stopped me bitching and moaning about her. I felt pretty guilty when she dieD too and utterly gutted for her that she hadn't had more time with ds, her first and only grandchild. Funnily enough it was the 'head in the sand' thing that used to drive me to distraction too. I just could not understand it. Actually after she died loads of other stuff that she had hidden / minimised came out too and i found myself getting infuriated all over again (and also bitching about this to friends - although not DP). Relationships are just difficult aren't they, especially the MIL / DIL one. There's bound to be conflicting feelings with a sudden death like this but you will come to terms with them all. Take care x

Thanks Vitomum. I feel like I'm complaining about her on here already, but these are my genuine thoughts and obviously I can't say these things in RL at the momment.

She was lovely. We could just not click. I'll have to come to terms with that and make peace with it eventually.

I am most sad that she will not see DS's grow up, she loved them, and that they will not know her.

Do you think it's a generational thing,this not talking about things and being very secretive and private? Or just some families? My family are so different, I think that's why I found her attitude so strange and infuriating.

nothing more to add to the wonderful advice and help you have had...just to say i am sorry for your loss, and sorry your feelings are making this grieving even harder..let go of the guilt and mourn..you can love and not particularly like people...IFYSWIM.......x

Oh Smileys! I had the same when FIL died. We didn't get on at all, but you just thing "oh, maybe one day we will..." and then one day DH rung and told me. I was devistated. I couldn't stop crying (there's a thread about it with a similar title to yours) and I felt so so so guilty. At the funeral I felt awful, but was ignored by everyone as the "black sheep" "the one who made his last 2 years miserable" etc. etc. I was even excluded from the family car, so DS and I had to go with one of DHs aunts. I thought i'd never shake that feeling. Time did heal, I realised whether we got on or not, he wouldn't be alive today. He died hating me, and that made him happy in a way I guess. I think getting on would have been worse in his eyes. I do know I tried my best, althought when he died I felt I should have done more, but... there's only so much you can do. You will feel better over time. She will be looking down on you now, and see that you are sorry for whatever difficulties your relationship had.

{{hugs}} xXx

Thanks Quootie, it does help knowing that others have had similar experiences.

I'm going over and over it in my mind, what I should have different. I know really that it wasn't just me, it was the two of us, we couldn't get cloose or understand each other we were just so different.

I think I'm most sad that her relationship with DS's is over, so sad for them and her. DS1 has some lovely memories of her, but DS2 will not remember her.

Smileyspeople, sorry for your family's loss.

My MIL died a few weeks ago. I had a pretty good relationship with her but I mainly feel her loss to my dh (her youngest son) and our dd (her youngest grandchild).

I will always remember her for her open adoration of my dd who resembles her in many ways.

I am quite sure that you will feel a lot better as time passes.

SP, when my granddad died the eulogies from his were amazing, all about how hilarious he was and what a good chum. We hadn;t found him that way - to us he seemed self-denying and if I'm honest, not much fun. I notice the same thing now with my mum - she has loads of great friends who obviously adore her, while I find her harder to get on with. I suppose many people find family much harder to get on with than friends and show a different side of themselves to their friends.

Anyway, I'm sorry for the loss to your family and I don't think you have anything to feel bad about - it wasn't always easy, and you tried. Give her a good send-off and be there for DH - you can still do your best by her.

Oops I meant "from his friends" ,,,

Thanks Snowleopard and CAMy.

Snowleopard that's sounds very much like my MIL, her friends definetly saw her in a different way to her family.

I never thought loosing her would hurt this much. I think I've been spoilt as never really suffered a bereavement (apart from Grandparents), I'm trying to control my grief though(not always successfully)for the sake of DH and FIL.