My MIL died yesterday, I feel so guilty.......

[SmileysPeople]

I can't stop crying.
We weren't close we had a difficult relationship. I found her standoffish and cold.
But she had so many friends and they are all so upset and taliking about how kind and wonderful she was. And she was, but the two of us together could not 'gel'.
I wish I'd made more of an effort and gotten over our difficulties, bit it's too late now. I hope I didn't make her unhappy.
Has anyone else experienced something similar?

Hi

My MIL died earlier this morning. We had a pretty poor relationship, but I can't stop feeling sad and upset that I wasn't able to get on with her better - I tried very hard in the earlier days, but (I am afraid to say) that I gave up trying in the last 3 - 4 years. She was a demanding and self centred person, but I suppose I should have been more understanding? My dh is very very upset - but I think some of it is for his dad who will be totally lost without her. It is a whole new experience for me and my dh and we are a bit bewildered at the moment - he is an only child and we are going to have to sort such a lot out but don't know where to start. Anyway, I don't want to hijack your thread it has been a bit of a shock.

Because you and MIl did not gel does mean that you made her unhappy because of teh in law relationship there are different pressures that other friends of her will not have had to face,

SM - i am facing something similar to you possibly in the not too distant future as my mil is very poorly in hospital. i have never gelled with her and at times she has made my life very unhappy and i resent her for that. she is a church goer and because of that people appear to thinkt that she is kind hearted, but i know what she put my dh through when he was young and i feel very angry that she gets away with it. i will feel sad when she does pass away, but only for my dp and my 2 dds, esp dd1 who is 7 and has a positive relationship with her grandmother. however, i cannot and will not pretend to those close to me who know what she has put me through that i am sad for me. i hope this doesn't sound callous in any way, but its something i have had to think about for sometime. i also get really angry that people who have had a strained relationship with my mil are now coming out of the woodwork saying how wonderful she is...i cannot be a hypocrite at all, even though i may sound very heartless..hope some of that makes sense!

Sorry to hear about your MIL figroll, was she ill?

Mine was only diagnosed with an illness a couple of months before she died, so that was somewhat shocking even though she was pretty old she's always been very fit.

Hi Figroll and Hattiecat, it's supportive to know that I'm not alone in my experience.

I'm going through so many emotions. Yesterday I got quite angry with her, as I was remembering all her cold and standoffish behaviour, and also it's come to light that she knew how ill she was but did not tell any of us. That's so typical of her, she always witheld everything. She knew she was going to die and made no effort to spend more time with DH and DS's, the type of thing that really annoyed me.

Today though, I've been thinking about how sad it is for DH and FIL and DS's, and how everything has changed for all of us. (even if it wasn't great it was always a constant IYSWIM)
My FIL needs us all so much, he will rely on us so much. I want to look after him so well, almost like a last thing I can do for her.

SP, I haven't been through what you are going through, and I get on reasonably well with my MIL, all things considered, but I do think the range of emotions you are experiencing are normal in any bereavement.

The most recent bereavement I had was when my grandmother died. She was a lovely lady, 94 when she died, never ill, lived an independent life, then got heart failure and basically gave up any attempt to live as she knew that her life from then on would be in a home or with care and she just didn't want that. So she let herself die. It took 4 months unfortunately. Now she was my much loved grandmother but even I experienced some moments of anger that she gave up on life, remorse that I did not go and see her more often, misery at not seeing her again, a desire to live my life more like hers in an attempt to honour her memory....All these emotions are normal. This must be a hard time for you and your family. Try not to be hard on yourself.

SP - i get on really well with my fil and think the world of him (my dh and i have often had the conversation of why on earth he married her - my dh has suggested he lost a bet (he was joking, but its kind of indicative of what he thinks)), so while mil has been in hospital i've invited fil round at least twice a week for meals so it may be something that you could do with yours if distance is reasonable. i've also been ringing him to check he's ok etc. when she does go i'll be very sad for my dh who despite everything has visitted as often as he can do and actually really nursed her when she was very poorly, must admit that's what makes me love dh so much, seeing him with her and what he's done for these last few weeks. keep strong, it is really hard, but don't beat yourself over how you really feel, its absolutely normal.

SP, re the not seeing your ds's thing, my MIL didn't see my 9 year old dd after she got very ill because she didn't want dd to remember her "like that". I think that was right because I know dd would have been very distressed. What MIL did was to have a special photo of dd by her bed that she spent long hours looking at.

My MIL had been ill for ages and ages, but it was still a shock for some silly reason. I have felt so upset today, crying, etc. I think it is because she won't see my kids again and she really did love them - her house is like a shrine to them and I have been there all day today and have felt in agonies. Also, my FIL is old and sad and I feel so sorry. DH is also very upset.

She was old, ill, etc, but I still feel very sad because whatever I thought of her, she was always there and won't be anymore.

Thanks for letting me share this with you.

I could have written evrything that was in that post Figroll.
I have been at the house with FIL today, chossing her clothes for the cremation. The thing thast makes me most sad and keeps bringing me to tears is the thought that her times with DS's is over, I think I also equate it with some sadness or measure of their passing childhood. A phase being over. If that makes any sense?? I want to keep them SO close, I've asked them to sleep in our bed!!
Everything has changed, the world as DS's knew it is over.
I'm feeling such complex emotions this is all new to me.
I'm sorry you're going through the same figroll, but it does help me to know that other's are, and to be able to express these emotions that I can't in RL at the moment.

It is nice to have found a kindred spirit (to use the words of Anne of Green Gables!). Hope things get easier soon - I have been choosing clothes today as well which made me cry - she always had such a poor taste in clothes - made me cry even more. Sorting through things has been awful.

My MIL had bought lots of lovely new clothes recently, and that seemed so sad and such a shame. FIL wants me to have lots of them, but I couldn't wear them, they'd be a reminder of her to everyone, and they are nice but for a 70yr old woman. How do I say that to him?

He did bring out today though 2 of his mother's old coats that he'd been storing and they are FAB!! one is a mink coat, and I'm a vegatarian so I said 'obviosly I couldn't wear that'. Then I had a little try on just to see, and found myself saying to DH 'well it's been dead a long time' and 'everyone will think it's fake anyway'. As DH said 'It's good to have principles.'LOL

How is your FIL figroll? I thought mine would go to pieces, and although he's very sad he is holding it together. He's eating, sleeping and making plans, but I know it's early days, the worse will be to come.
When is the funeral? Ours is on Friday, so a long week to get through till then.

I'm ging for a bath (DH staying with FIL), but will check to see if your around tomorrow figroll, it's good to talk ( as I think Maureen Lipman said).

I'm sorry about your MIL.

Our funeral is next week. My FIL is incredibly calm, but he is very old and I suppose he was expecting it. He has even made the odd joke! He has been eating and sleeping and just carrying on as normal, it is my dh who has gone totally to pieces. I am trying to keep it together because I have had to do all of the funeral arrangements.

Hope all goes well for Friday.

Hi Figroll
My FIL is reminiscing all the time, he's talking for hours, but is enjoying it. He's even telling funny stories and making us all and him laugh.
I'm worried how he'll be next week when we all have to go back to work and he has the days to fill.
My DH is also coping remarkably well, a little bit too well I fear. He and his brother are doing all the arrangemnets so I don't have much to do there.
Today I've been thinking that even if she'd been arounbd another 10yrs we still wouldn't have got on, and I just have to accept that. I tried to get us closer at times, and she tried sometimes too, but we just couldn't do it for some reason. I also have to accept that others saw her differently, but that's Ok, My friends see me differently to how she saw me.
I have to accept some relationships are just difficult. We had a civil, cordial type relationship and that's better than nothing. I am feeling better about this today, but the feelings come and go.

The feelings come like a wave over me - all of a sudden when I don't expect it. I will go tomorrow and choose flowers for the funeral - it sounds as if it might be bigger than I was expecting which is not good for me. I suppose I will have to organise some sort of "party" which I wasn't expecting ,but people keep ringing and telling me they are coming. My dh is still very upset which isn't helping me. It is nice to be able to write this down on mumsnet because I can't tell him - he is totally useless at the best of times, but right now he is worse than useless.

Hope everything is going as well as can be expected SP.

Oh Figroll, poor you. I'm lucky in the respect that all organistaion is being taken care of. My Dh is being very stoic and strong, I think mostly for his Dad, but it is worrying that he isn't showing his emotion. I guess he will in time.

I do find it difficult though not to complain at him for the usual things I would be moaning about, like staring at the teltext or being late for things, I do manage to stop my self and be more supportive, but I must be a bad wife.

I hope it gets easire for you soon.

Smiley's People - I'd like to thank you for being open and brave enough to start this thread. Hattiecat - you have such similar experiences to me. I get on really well with my fil - so far neither mil or fil have had any serious illness. What you said about supporting people who will let you support them (like your fil) is so true. If people won't let you get close to them how can you help not feeling so much for them and getting frustrated. I think that generation finds it very hard to be honest about feelings. Also, some people (like my mil) aren't v sensitive and don't seem to have much empathy with others. My mil has nil empathy with me. It's such a comfort to realise that other people have experienced the same - friends saying the person is wonderful - family with totally different experience. I guess I am just too honest - what you see is what you get. I find power games, manipulation etc really difficult to cope with - but people who can't be honest tend to use them to get their own way or put a point across.
Thanks Hattiecat for saying that you can't imagine feeling grief for yourself, only others. I am going to feel just the same when the time comes. I think we have to be honest and not beat ourselves up about it. We are d in laws and will do the right thing, but are only human and can't dicate our own feelings.
I feel better. Thank you all.

I'm sorry you feel guilty SmileysPeople. At least you made some effort with your MIL. If she had really been such a wonderful person as all her friends are making out, wouldn't she have welcomed you more?

My MIL will probably die soon (though I've been saying that to myself for 10yrs...). I can't imagine anyone describing her as a wonderful person, but I dare say people will find it easier to be hypocritical than to tell the truth.

When old people are not close to their families people usually blame the families and assume they're selfish. (I used to do this too). It's hard for them to see the wicked and noxious bitch inside the white-haired old lady with the rather vacant smile. And I'm pretty sure MIL's never been as evil to anyone else as to me, because no-one else has threatened her illusion that she's the sole centre of her son's world.

Some guilt on our part will be unavoidable when MIL dies, as we've had hardly anything to do with her for years. But she spurned all our efforts to build bridges with her.

She lives five hours away and has been in hospital for the last two weeks. Dh has still not managed to speak to the consultant to find out what's wrong with her, which seems neglectful even to me. He keeps telling me he's forgotten to ring when I ask. But under this 'forgetfulness' I suspect there's still huge anger and resentment at the way she's treated us.

There's no point in our case regretting the loss of a loving granny to dd. She wasn't loving - she didn't hesitate to use dd as a pretext for trying to pick a fight with us. She resented dd for taking dh's attention away from her. There are plenty of people in dd's life who really do love her.

Hope you will be able to gain a better perspective once the first wave of reaction has passed

Well I just got back from the funeral.
All went well, so many came out for her it was actually quite lovely.
I have come to terms more as the days have gone by with accepting that others saw her in a different way, and that us not being close was nobodies fault, it was just a difficult relationship.
At least we managed to maintain a relationship.
Thanks for all your posts. It's been helpful for me to express these feelings on here.

I am glad that your funeral went well - we had ours today and it was very upsetting, but also went very well. I can't believe how much the mood has lifted since this morning.

I think we have gradually come to terms with her passing since last week and feel relieved that the funeral is over. It certainly has been an enlightening experience and made me realise how we should value those around us - no matter how we feel about them at the time. The death of someone is the end of an era and certainly not to be taken lightly. Eemie, clearly I don't know the circumstances for your feelings, but I am sure that your MIL loved/loves her son very dearly - I think he could regret not contacting her.

All the best, Smileys People!

whitecloud - i've only just picked up this thread again - am so glad there is someone out there that also feels like i do...mine is now in a hospice, though i dont think she's going anywhere soon. i feel very sad for the very ill person i see in front of me when i go to visit, but i would feel that for anyone, and not just her, and i wish i could feel mroe, i just can't.