....to feel that my grief is being demeaned?

[PutDownThatLaptop]

My DF died a year ago. My DM and DF were together for 50 years.
I am finding it very hard to cope with the level of grief but every time I say anything about him to DM, such as "I miss him so much, I wish he was here" etc, she always responds with the same line: "It's worse for me, he was my husband. He was only a parent to you, but losing a partner is worse."
I feel as if my grief is being demeaned as not important, or as losing in a game of grief Top Trumps because she holds the better card.
I feel quite resentful about it - AIBU to feel this way?

You can't compare the two objectively and say one relationship trumps the other but what is clear is that your mum doesn't have the strength to offer you comfort and doesn't want to share grief like you do. It's an additional emotional burden on her to try and take on your grief as well. What would you like reaction to be? She just isn't able to give it. Don't be cross with her about that, seek comfort elsewhere and if you can, comfort your mum.
My dbrother died and it was just awful. I have not talked to my mum about my sadness it would be too painful for her.

Crumbs. Some of you are bloody awful. How can you definitively say grief for x is worse than for y?! It might be the case for you, but this isn't about you.

I can perhaps buy the "you only get one df but can have multiple partners" argument if the spouse is relatively young and so can rebuild their lives. When you're talking about a relationship that has lasted for 50 years then it is a totally different scenario. Thankfully when my df died last year we all pulled together and my dm has never pulled the top trumps angle. However I absolutely believe her grief to be more profound than mine even though I loved my df very very much. Her life has completely changed and she is facing a future alone without her life partner. The man that she shared her life with every day for half a century has gone and she feels a loneliness that we as children with busy lives and young children simply don't.

I absolutely believe her grief to be more profound than mine even though I loved my df very very much. Her life has completely changed and she is facing a future alone without her life partner. The man that she shared her life with every day for half a century has gone and she feels a loneliness that we as children with busy lives and young children simply don't.

This ^^. My DF died just short of their 50th anniversary and my heart breaks for my mum. I have my DP to lean on when I need it.

I think it's almost impossible to lean on those who are suffering their own grief, particularly early on. I couldn't show my DM how I really felt and I know when I was with her, she kept a lid on her own grief. My DP was there to support me - that helps enormously. She has had to grieve alone.

It's getting slightly better but we still have bad set backs - DF died 18 months ago.

Some very very strange posts here.

Mothers resenting daughters as other women in their partners lives.

Not really the norm there is it.

Op so so sorry for your loss but really stop expecting your dm to cope with your grief on top of hers.

You need to talk to friends or your partner. both of you are distraught.

However sorry but to loose a partner is second only to loosing your child before you.

Loosing a parent however painful and bloody awful, and I have, is the natural order of things.

Your mom can't make this better for you and she's telling you so.

Stop expecting her to do what she can't do.

Sorry for your loss OP. My dad died several years ago, but given that he had been with my mum from 15-70 I always assumed her grief was larger than mine and I never expected her to comfort me...I agree with other posters who suggest seeking solace from others instead of your mum.

OP, something jumped out at me from your post:

I am finding it very hard to cope with the level of grief but every time I say anything about him to DM, such as "I miss him so much, I wish he was here" etc

I think these comments may be what's prompting your DM to effectively shut the conversation down. They're not particularly helpful to someone grieving because she'll be feeling that every single minute of every single day, so reminding her probably doesn't help her .

I'm not saying that you shouldn't feel that. Perhaps try and help your DM on a more practical level. For instance, I've spent time cooking meals for her freezer, for those times that she isn't interested in cooking for herself because it seems to hard or there's no point. I've fixed things around the house - things my dad would have done. I've given practical help but the more personal stuff she has to work through in her own way and in her own time. Then you can go home and grieve in the way you need to. One step at a time.

I dont think she means to belittle your grief,shes probably devestated and doesnt know how to cope herself, wrapped up in her own grief,maybe it also hurts her to talk about it.

My dad is like this,my mum passed away four years ago from motor nurone diagnosed in the sept lost her battle the following February they'd been together 52 years. Dad is overwhelmed with grief drinking quite heavily every day. He pushes me and my sister away emotionally telling us both we could never understand his grief and he just wants to be with mum. We don't know what to do or say to him. If we talk about mum to him we always get the same words,it hurts cos we miss mum too and there's nothing we can do to help him.

This thread has gone very weird, and I'm genuinely sorry for my earlier comment that losing a partner is worse than losing a parent.

As someone who has lost both, the pain of losing my Dad doesn't even begin to compare to the pain of losing my DH, despite loving my Dad very much. For me, both the initial loss and the subsequent living with the loss is infinitely more painful for my husband, but it's going to be a very personal thing.

People's situations are different, you could have a parent and an adult child who are very close, and a husband and wife that barely talk to one another. Either way, a broken leg doesn't become any less painful because someone else broke two legs.

In your case OP, I think the best advice on this thread has been that your Mum isn't in a place where she can cope with your grief, and it's probably better that you talk about yours elsewhere. Counselling could really help, especially when it comes to coping with the things that have arisen from the death, like the situation you now have with your Mum.

A spouse is always chief mourner. Some of you who think a parent/adult child relationship is stronger than a husband and wife suggests 'damge' to me!

sorry for typo

Condolences on the loss of your dad. Treasure your memories of him, celebrate his life, remember him with affection and laughter. Grief is the price we pay for love.

Let your mum play top trumps if she wants. Nothing will ever change the fact he was your dad.

I lost my father a year ago today. My parents were together 45 years and were always together. My DM is having counselling as she just isn't coping with her grief, she has told her adult children that she lost a parent and now a husband and losing a husband is far worse.

I have struggled at times as it has felt that my mum is gone, I can no longer talk to her about one of the most distressing things I have witnessed (his death) and at the time as she was there too my main concern was her, as it was at the funeral and today on the anniversary I put my feelings aside to care for her. I have learnt what others have said very early on, that if I need to talk I go outside the family. I have become friendly with another lady who lost a parent around the same time and we have both felt the same. Like the roles are reversed and we now need to parent our parent!

She recommended a book to me When Parents Die: Learning to Live with the Loss of a Parent by Rebecca Abrams it's worth a read.

This subject has caused lots of upset in our family since he passed, I do however feel strongly protective of her and put her grief first as I can see how much pain she is in, I don't see my grief as lesser just different.

I never realised just how much the family dynamic changes when a parent dies!

It really depends on who it is that broaches the subject and how often. If you appear overly needy to her regarding sympathy etc and she's fighting her own battles it may be her way of asking you to tone it down a bit.

My mum was a competitive "griever" too. Everything that happened was worse for her; if not the same circumstance, then she related it to something that had happened to her, and her pain was worse.

Awful thing to think but it's probably as well that she died before Dad - he's coping a lot better than she would have.

Have you ever sat down together with your mother to talk about your father and what his loss means to both of you? Maybe there's a barrier in the communication between you both and that's what causes this attitude. Maybe she feels like she doesn't get enough support in her grieving process.

Grief is a very personal thing and we all deal with it in our own ways. It is often hard to appreciate anyone else's grief when you too are grieving. Instead of go using on conversations about how much you miss your DF, try to talk about great memories you have of doing things together.
My DF died when I was 21, it is a given that we all miss him and wish he was still part of our lives. When I am with DM and or DB and dad comes up in conversation we focus on the best bits of that relationship, what we loved about him or doing with him.