Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

....to feel that my grief is being demeaned?

94 replies

PutDownThatLaptop · 17/02/2016 10:53

My DF died a year ago. My DM and DF were together for 50 years.
I am finding it very hard to cope with the level of grief but every time I say anything about him to DM, such as "I miss him so much, I wish he was here" etc, she always responds with the same line: "It's worse for me, he was my husband. He was only a parent to you, but losing a partner is worse."
I feel as if my grief is being demeaned as not important, or as losing in a game of grief Top Trumps because she holds the better card.
I feel quite resentful about it - AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:

cruusshed · 17/02/2016 11:39

I am very sorry for your loss. Grief can split families.

"competitive grief" is a thing. Google it to understand more.

EweAreHere · 17/02/2016 11:41

"It's not a competition, mum. I know you lost the love of your life. But when you respond this way to how I am feeling, you are demeaning my feelings and my love for him and making me not want to talk to you or be around you. And I want to be close to you."

Sorry for your loss.

AnnieOnnieMouse · 17/02/2016 11:43

Have you heard of circles of grief?
lifehacker.com/use-the-ring-theory-to-know-how-to-comfort-someone-977848409
is one explanation
It explains the need to support inwards towards the closest bereaved, and dump outwards, to those less close.
It's still painful, early days for both of you.

Narp · 17/02/2016 11:44

I agree with diddl, and others. Sadly, she can't support you at the moment, OP.

I don't think she'll be able to 'hear' that, Ewe (I might be wrong). It depends how assertive the OP has been with her mum around emotional issues in the past. Now might not be the right time to test that out

nellyflora · 17/02/2016 11:46

It's very hard especially when someone takes the most bereaved role. When my DF died I almost felt like I had to hide my grief to protect my DM (I was only 23 and struggling at the time) and I gather it's common. Don't make it a competition take your grief elsewhere if you can, you will never get a different response from your mother. My mum still go's on about how loosing parents is expected but loosing a husband is so much worse. All true but I was young and badly effected this she does not aknowledge, her own parents died when she was settled in life they were old and she wasn't dependent.

alltouchedout · 17/02/2016 11:49

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Grief should not be graded. I don't know how I would respond to my mum in such a situation though- the thought of her mourning my dad is agonising and I can't imagine feeling able to say anything along the lines of "that's very unfair, I loved him too and your pain and loss doesn't mean mine doesn't matter". I think- but obviously can't be sure as I haven't been in this situation- that I'd try to say something about how the sadness I felt for her was part of my grief for him.
This must be very hard. I hope you have other people in your life to talk to about your dad.

MrsDeVere · 17/02/2016 11:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Furiosa · 17/02/2016 11:59

I was going to say YABU as losing a partner is worse than losing a parent but then I saw you said your DF died a year ago. Do you feel that enough time has passed that you would like to be open and share your grief with your DM? I would feel this way.

Perhaps your grief has moved on but her hasn't. She might feel the same today as the day your DF died or the day of the funeral. Is she talked about your DF at all or does she say "my grief is worse" to shut you down? It sounds like she doesn't want to talk about him and she doesn't want you to either.

CheersMedea · 17/02/2016 12:00

He was only a parent to you, but losing a partner is worse

If you want to play the competition game (I'm not recommending it btw), the absolute answer to this is:

"No. It is far worse to lose a parent because the love between a parent and child is unconditional. No man will ever love me as unconditionally as my father did. Who a man chooses to pair up with a partner is basically a matter of timing and frankly it could have been anyone else at any different time. A child is always a child and a parent is always a parent."

Brutal but true.

However, don't do it! I think you would be better off just being straight with her, briefly, that you are feeling like she is demeaning your grief, that you are both grieving for the loss of different relationships and you want to be there to support her and for her to support you - help each other. In other words, gently and carefully, ask her to stop the competitiveness. If it doesn't, then I think as you say you will need to turn to others.

wheelofapps · 17/02/2016 12:01

I am sorry for the loss of your Dad.

My mother was the same when both my grandfather and aunt died.

Quite aggressive about it actually.

Grief can do strange things to people.

I'd say to her that you understand she is grieving, but you are too.
Perhaps you can both share your memories of this wonderful man?

mydutifullaunderette · 17/02/2016 12:05

It is incredibly hard not to be able to lean on the person who (perhaps?) would otherwise usually have been the one you turned to during tough times. It probably makes the grief even harder on you, that you can't talk to your DM about it. I'm really sorry for your loss

But I think if possible you should try and find someone else to support you in your grief, because it may well be that your DM just cannot bear to discuss the loss at the moment, it could be too raw and overwhelming, and she may not have it in her to support anyone else yet. It changes, but so, so slowly.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 17/02/2016 12:08

I'm shocked by the suggestion that losing a partner is worse than losing a parent.

FoxInABox · 17/02/2016 12:08

YANBU - my DH had the same from his DF after his DM died- funnily enough while she was alive DF was horrible to her, cheated on her, hit her etc and they spent the last few months of her life arguing and wanting to be apart. At one point FIL told DH he couldn't come to the inquest as it was 'his wife' and only 'DHs mum'. As pp said its not a competition, I don't understand the need to make it one. Sorry for your loss OP.

Notonthestairs · 17/02/2016 12:13

I had a similar experience when my DM died. He did say it was easier for me - which it must have been in many ways - but she was still my mum and was very young (well, 60's) when she died. I had spoken to her every day and she knew me better than anyone else.

At first I actively decided that I was going to shelve my feelings for a while, focus on helping him and sort myself out later.

Nearly three years on and it's still all about him. I cant remember my Dad ever asking me how I am doing, how I feel. But I've just realised that he doesnt have it in him and I cant change him. I'm the parent now - for my kids and for my dad. Not great advice I know, sorry.

MaryRobinson · 17/02/2016 12:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PovertyPain · 17/02/2016 12:22

I'm shocked by the suggestion that losing a partner is worse than losing a parent.

Why would that shock you?

StatisticallyChallenged · 17/02/2016 12:25

I don't think grief can be straight out quantified by relationship either, it's so much more complicated than that in reality. My brother was like a father as my dad's not around. He was estranged from DM and our other sibling. My mum also likes to tell me every time my sibling expresses grief in a way that very much says you aren't sad enough, why aren't you weeping and wailing down the phone like I am? When the reality is she's A Raging narc who you cant turn to for comfort anyway because she will immediately point out how much worse it is for Her. She complained that sibling and I were doing eulogies as she wanted to "have her say".

Hell she even did it when her cat died - her grief at losing her cat was worse than mine when one of mine went missing over Christmas then got killed by a fox, because I had other cats.

I might have issues with her...

MadamDeathstare · 17/02/2016 12:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maydancer · 17/02/2016 12:37

remember how circles of support work. You get your support and comfort from people further out, and give comfort and support to people in an inner circle.
YABU you should be giving comfort to your mum not seeking comfort from her!

Canyouforgiveher · 17/02/2016 12:37

I'm sorry about your father's death.

I had this experience with my mother and to be honest most of my friends, who had a father die when they were adult have experienced the same.

My sister and I commented how our mother's funeral was so different to our fathers-and our grieving too. When dad died, our major concern was my mother and her grief and really there was no room for anyone else even afterwards.

So as others have said I think you need to give up on getting any support in your grief from your mother.

I didn't really judge my mother for this. She was married for nearly 50 years. My father was the most important relationship in her entire adult emotional life. And she did actually miss him on a day to day level that didn't apply to my sister or me - she slept with him every night, ate most meals with him, talked to him about everything, was his companion on all occasions.

Not diminishing your grief or my grief-like I said it was a relief to be able to grieve for my mother without having to mind anyone else when she eventually died but I think it is rare for a widow to be able to give much support in grief to her adult children. My mother in law did but she is an exceptional woman.

MalinHebrides · 17/02/2016 12:38

OP, I'm really sorry for your loss. I went through v similar with my DM when my DF died.

Grief is almost like a form of madness, it seemed to me. We just have to try to be gentle with each other and remember we are not in our normal state of mind when we're in the middle of it. Having said that, looking back I can see that my DM and I were pretty vile to each other in the aftermath of DF's death. It nearly broke our relationship. You need each other for comfort so much, and yet you are the two people least in a position to offer comfort at the time because you are each hurting so much that you have nothing to give.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It is hard. I can only say it does get better. My DM and I are fine together now and can look back with love and laughter at life with my DF. I hope your DB and you can be a support to each other, and that the three of you will get through in the end.

ToastDemon · 17/02/2016 12:39

Your mum should obviously not be competing with you on the grief front, but I think she deserves a bit of slack.
When my dad died, as awful as it was, I knew instinctively that it way worse for my mum.

maydancer · 17/02/2016 12:39

I'm shocked by the suggestion that losing a partner is worse than losing a parent.

really? unless of course the 'child' is an actual child

PovertyPain · 17/02/2016 12:41

I'm very sorry for your sad lose OP. It is sad that your mum is saying these things to you and you can't mutually support each other.

My husband died less than a year ago and I have to admit, that I've bit my tongue on quite a few occasions when people have talked about how it has affected them. Though I would never think that about my children's grief as I can see how it has has affected them.

As Stat has said grief can not be quantified by the blood/legal relationship with someone. A very wise mumsnetter said, on a similar thread, something along the lines of, 'the worst grief you've ever felt is the worst grief you've ever felt' so there is no real way of comparing it. I try to keep that in mind when people upset me, talking about how devastated they are.

diddl · 17/02/2016 12:41

I'm quite certain that if my husband dies I won't be able to support my kids.

Hopefully they won't expect it.

Hopefully also if I feel I can't talk about things with them I'll be able to just tell them.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread