....to feel that my grief is being demeaned?

[PutDownThatLaptop]

My DF died a year ago. My DM and DF were together for 50 years.
I am finding it very hard to cope with the level of grief but every time I say anything about him to DM, such as "I miss him so much, I wish he was here" etc, she always responds with the same line: "It's worse for me, he was my husband. He was only a parent to you, but losing a partner is worse."
I feel as if my grief is being demeaned as not important, or as losing in a game of grief Top Trumps because she holds the better card.
I feel quite resentful about it - AIBU to feel this way?

maydancer agree. I've lost both parents and it was hard, and it changed me, but the thought of losing DH is so very much worse.

Decaffe maybe I shouldn't have said that and I'm sorry if it upset you.

My think was that it's seen as the best way - the child buries the parent. It's a burden we all have and is the best outcome. No parent should ever have to bury their child.

Regarding partners, well one of you has to go first. Hopefully at the end of a long and happy life.

Of course it all depends on personal relationships and what stage people are in their life. When I lost my DM it was awful, I was young and so was she. Life moved on and I've built a family of my own now. The thought of losing DH is so much worse to me.

[Flowers] PutDownThatLaptop. I'm so sorry about your dad.

Oh sorry, I meant

I've not seen a circles of support diagram which aims to differentiate beyond / between "immediate family" or "significant other/immediate family" because it's not possible to make that sort of distinction. Relationships are far too complex.

If DH dies - assuming any kids are adults -then I expect us to support each other not for it to be one way.

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your Dad a year ago.

Of course, in an ideal world you and your mother would be able to mutually support each other, and she would realise it isn't a competition.

This isn't an ideal world though. My guess is that she simply cannot see beyond her own pain yet, so perhaps doesn't realise the effects of what she is saying. She very likely doesn't intend it to be taken the way it has come across.

Have you other siblings or close friends you could talk to about this? It might help rather more than your mother shutting you down in that way all the time.

Thank you all so much for the helpful responses. I am married with 2 adult children and one little one. I don't want DM to be lonely and so I bring her here for an evening meal with us four nights per week. She has always been a sweet natured person but seems a lot colder now. I will just have to be patient. We cared for DF when he was dying, including my DH who would takes turns sleeping in the room with him overnight (DH and I both have full time jobs).
I hesitated to post in AIBU but you have all been very kind and supportive, thank you. I appreciate it and it helps to know that this can be one of the normal responses to grief.

I think the true strength of the circle or support is to realise that you seek support from people who can give it...and you don't dump on people who can't take it.

It would of course be nice if the OP could get support from her DM but she can't so she needs to turn elsewhere...

Yes I have one sibling, my brother (DF died in his arms). I will talk to him but he lives far away.

btw the opposite also happens...my DF was much faster in progressing through grief than any of me and my siblings. It has been tough in all sorts of ways but we have at least been able to unload on him because he was able to take it.

I'm sorry your dad died PutDown

My mum didn't have this when her dad died, but she did talk to my nan about her friend who died. Mum was friendly with the couple who were just a few years older than her, and one day he very sadly and suddenly died. My mum was telling my nan how hard it was for his widow; they were young (in their early fifties) and had three children, one of whom was still living at home, a teenager. My nan turned to my mum, aghast and said "it's much harder for me; I've spent more of my life with your dad!"

OMG my mother is exactly the same!! I just ignore it now as I can't have a rational discussion with her about it.
The difference is mum is a complete cow ( unhelpful)! So I have limited conversations with her.

I'm sorry you're hurting. Grief is hard but as time goes on things do get easier to manage. My Df died 3 years ago nearly and I miss him every day but the gut wrenching grief has eased. Xx

My Dad died 10 years ago now (seems like yesterday) when I was 25. My mum and I shared our grief - I really can't imagine her ever saying that she was grieving more than me. I turned completely practical and dealt with all of the legal stuff and organising the funeral, but we always talked about how we felt, cried together and shared our memories.

I agree with PPs saying to seek some grief counselling - there is no linear path with grief and we all need different things to help us cope.

I think grief counselling is needed. I was just getting very upset remembering that on the day DF died I had been there all day and left just before midnight. He died 5 minutes later. I was back at the house within 5 minutes and I just held his hand and kissed him and cried. I was saying "oh Dad, oh Dad"...I know I was crying intensely as my legs gave way and my DH had to hold me up. DM was embarrassed as there was a hospice nurse there for the night and she was in the kitchen and could here me. Surely she would expect this? Later my DM said that my strong reaction was how I am as a person and that she hoped I would not 'go berserk' at the funeral.

Hear me, not here me. Sorry.

YANBU.

You obviously need to talk about your DF (why wouldn't you?) and, while your DM seem like the natural person to reminisce with, she's clearly not, emotionally, in a position to be able to do this with you in a mutually beneficial manner.

Do you have anyone else you can confide in, who will understand?

Sorry for your loss. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. If she could just give you a hug. I wouldn't bother trying to get any sympathy from your mum for the time being, like you say stick with your brother. What about some grief counselling too. I think it's always good to talk.

Oh, that's awful :( Is your mother usually so concerned about keeping up appearances? Because if ever there was a time not to give a shit about how you appear to others...

So sorry for your loss.

My DM was exactly the same. I was really close to my Dad (only child) and I was devastated when he died (I was 18).

Eventually I absolutely lost my temper with my DM one night (not proud of that but in my defence it was 17 years ago), and she never made any comments again.

I couldn't disagree more with the statement that losing a partner is worse than losing a parent. You aren't comparing to completely different relationships!! You love a father completely differently to the way you love a partner, and so you subsequently grieve the loss very differently.

One is not worse than the other, they are just different!

you are comparing

You only get one DF... In a 'competition' your grief trumps hers .... Sorry but it's true.

YADNBU

Op you said your DM was a sweet woman before but since your DF death has become colder. Grief seems to have changed your DM she is sad a lost without her soul mate of 50 years. Maybe you are at different stages of grieving. She is probably still very angry at being left behind.

People keep saying you only get one DF but I think your DM if she was with him for 50 years only had one true love and she lost without him.

I know what you mean, OP. When my DF died in Nov we (my 2 sisters and I) were actively supporting Mum in her grief. It felt one way. I don't begrudge her for it, it just happened, but I did have the odd moment of feeling bad. Yes, you've lost your husband, but I've lost my Dad. I suppose her feeling of losing her father has mellowed a little due to the passage of time compared to the recent loss of her husband.

You are both in pain. It's a difficult time for you both.

I find it difficult to talk about Dad to Mum now, but have started to bring him up in positive ways now to make it seem less awkward. I don't actively tell her that I'm missing him or sad about things though. I keep that to myself.

It sounds like you and your mum are quite different personalities and I wonder if that's clouding the issue. I also wonder if in her own way she is trying to communicate her own pain rather than dismiss yours. If she was married to your father for 50 years she must be quite elderly by now (without knowing her actual age) and on her own, whereas you have a husband and a young family. She must be very lonely. I'm not saying that what she said was OK, but I feel for her.

Some mothers have a resentment of their daughters, seeing them as 'other women' in their partners' lives. I suspect she isn't 'communicating her pain' so much as 'staking her claim' to the man she was in a relationship with for fifty years.