Slightly neurotic 28 yr old, free to good home

[LadyLu87]

I don't know why I'm posting really. I have also posted the same elsewhere, didn't know where best to put it. I suppose I just feel so lonely. My mum died age 13, my best friend of 8; years died 2 and half years ago and my nan the following year. So that's it for me. It feels like. I have acquaintances, people who I guess care for me. But on a day to day basis it is just me and my dogs. I don't know who I am any more, what I am, what I want. Well the last part isn't true but I can't really have what I want. I miss my nan and her tough talk. And her cooking. My best friend was a true one off and we were two halves of a whole. Or so it feels now that half of me is gone. My mum was a long time ago but I miss her too and her high sense of justice, equality, and priority for love. And just 'having a mum'. I don't want a man anymore really because all my attachment issues get placed on to them and I get deeply hurt. Plus they can't fix how I feel. What I would love right now is for my life to be like a movie. You know where the wayward orphan type always ends up being kind of adopted by a fabulous hard hitting granny type, or a bookish grandad type. Someone to take me on and love me. It's all so very sad. I'm so numb now. Yet near to tears because I view myself from an outsiders perspective and I think 'how sad for her'. I am the queen of repression. Counselling hhad ended and was fab, grief not an issue so much as what do I do now? When really, at the age of 28, I could actually die in my home and no one would know for weeks or months. I am not exaggerating. Where do you even meet friends at this age? Everyone is already so busy living their lives. I don't even want friends I want a granny, a parent type figure. I never had it. I dragged myself up even when my mum was alive as she drank and was abused by my step dad. It would be so lovely to have someone take control for once. Show me how to budget, how to save money, how to love myself. Going to stop typing now because I will not cry. Once those gates open that's it and I can't do it. I don't know what I want from this. Get it out I suppose. sorry for lack of paragraphs my brain is top mushed. Thank god for auto correct.

minmooch that's exactly how I feel like u just want someone to say it'll be ok, someone to sheild me from the world for a while.

There are a lot of great ideas here! I am doing my nursing degree next year (hopefully) so that will be good!

I can't remember who said it on the previous page but I'd love to buddy with your friend! I'm good at kicking ass, just not my own haha! Feel better today. Feel a bit silly granted, but it's nice to come on here and see other people's kind words it does help. I am a MN addict any way so it made sense

Well I got up late (sloth is my default nature when I feel a bit pointless). But needed to go the library. On the bus there a man looked at me, an old man. Only caught him out the corner of my eye and I thought 'what are you looking at'. And I realised that I really do give off 'stay away vibes'. I have been hurt really badly. I certainly don't trust men, especially older men. I have either been party to, or an observer of, every type of abuse you can think of. I think the only abuse I haven't suffered is violence, in a relationship but I certainly witnessed a lot of it and have been a victim of it on one off occasions at the hands of my family. Just not prolonged domestic abuse. Sexual abuse to some extent although not nearly as bad as some. Anyway it occurred to me that this man might be lonely like me. Maybe he could feel the pain coming off me (I am like no open book) and thought what a pity. And I'm sat there thinking this old pervert needs to not stare at me. At least that was my initial immediate reaction. It's really sad. He had a pink hand bag and I wondered if it was his, in which case you go fella, or maybe he was meeting his wife who forgot her bag. Everyone has a story. I smiled at him when I got off. I went to a shop and walked past a stand for neglected children and that set off a whole other level of thought. That no matter how much my mum loved me, she most certainly subjected me to some level of abuse. I would come home with my brother and she would be passed out drunk. Or 'ta daaaaaaa' my wanker step dad was back ready to begin the charade before he started smacking the shit out of her. There is never any doubt that she loved us. But she was drowning in a sea of pain of her own, and we weren't enough. She committed suicide age 29- only one year older than me. (she had us young). So anyway, get to the library and im too late for the computers which I suspected. Will come back tomorrow. So am in the park looking up things to do, maybe it doesn't have to be a waste journey. Will go and eat, then have a look at the centre we have its wonderful it has all sorts like dance, music and drama. Even if nothing is on, I have gotten out, breathed the fresh air, thought about things, and watched people and had a few realisations. One being that not everyone is out to get me. Not everyone is a pervert. Other people are lonely too. Maybe I could nip and get some cake making stuff, and try out my brand new oven. Does anybody have any recipes? I used to always ring my nan and she would give me her recipe for Victoria Sponge. I always did forget it. I have a vague memory of what it needs but if anyone could remind me please? Also how to make butter cream icing. She would never have given me that recipe. She HATED butter haha. Am going to post this on my other thread too as it's nice to keep people updated. It's nice to have an outlet to these thoughts actually. They do go round and round otherwise!!

meant to say I *am an open book and that my mum subjected me to neglect NOT abuse

Hi guys I gave updates if anyone is interested slight need to brag about love life

So the good stuff.. The guy I snogged (the 19 year old! This is relevant) things progressed a few days later and we had sex, he made it clear he didn't want a relationship and that was ok (there's a reason why it was ok for me but I don't want to out myself with that but it there was an innocence about the situation) anyway so we did. We met a few times and had fun, maybe two or three times. I sensed that we were both feeling more than just sex. A guy I know asked me to meet up so I decided to tell the new guy I had been asked on a date. I wanted to gauge his reaction. He really didn't want me to go and he came round as he wanted to 'talk' and it couldn't be done over text. anyway we decided to start dating exclusively. That's kind of the condensed version.

He is wonderful. I'm trying very hard not to sound gushy teenager but he is more mature at 19 than any man I have met. emotionally mature. His way of thinking is very unusual and I call him an old soul. so that's going really good right now.

The bad.. I am being taken to court for none payment of rent. This apparently will be ok as long as I work with them and get housing benefit the court are likely to give what's called a suspended repossession order, meaning one last chance.

In all things are ok now. i am exercising again and my mood is better now.

hope everyone is having a good day!

p's still not made cakes been distracted

Great news