I don't know why I'm posting really. I have also posted the same elsewhere, didn't know where best to put it. I suppose I just feel so lonely. My mum died age 13, my best friend of 8; years died 2 and half years ago and my nan the following year. So that's it for me. It feels like. I have acquaintances, people who I guess care for me. But on a day to day basis it is just me and my dogs. I don't know who I am any more, what I am, what I want. Well the last part isn't true but I can't really have what I want. I miss my nan and her tough talk. And her cooking. My best friend was a true one off and we were two halves of a whole. Or so it feels now that half of me is gone. My mum was a long time ago but I miss her too and her high sense of justice, equality, and priority for love. And just 'having a mum'. I don't want a man anymore really because all my attachment issues get placed on to them and I get deeply hurt. Plus they can't fix how I feel. What I would love right now is for my life to be like a movie. You know where the wayward orphan type always ends up being kind of adopted by a fabulous hard hitting granny type, or a bookish grandad type. Someone to take me on and love me. It's all so very sad. I'm so numb now. Yet near to tears because I view myself from an outsiders perspective and I think 'how sad for her'. I am the queen of repression. Counselling hhad ended and was fab, grief not an issue so much as what do I do now? When really, at the age of 28, I could actually die in my home and no one would know for weeks or months. I am not exaggerating. Where do you even meet friends at this age? Everyone is already so busy living their lives. I don't even want friends I want a granny, a parent type figure. I never had it. I dragged myself up even when my mum was alive as she drank and was abused by my step dad. It would be so lovely to have someone take control for once. Show me how to budget, how to save money, how to love myself. Going to stop typing now because I will not cry. Once those gates open that's it and I can't do it. I don't know what I want from this. Get it out I suppose. sorry for lack of paragraphs my brain is top mushed. Thank god for auto correct.
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Bereavement
Slightly neurotic 28 yr old, free to good home
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LadyLu87 · 30/07/2015 23:09
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