Is it normal to got to graveyard every day?

[justbeme]

My Bfs Dad died in June 05, leaving his Mum in her 70's behind . He had done everything for his wife and the family are finding it hard as she expects every one to run around after her . She still expects to be taken to the graveyard everyday. In the winter this means at 4 o clock - she doesnt seem to care that people have jobs to do or families to look after . My BF is one of three - an older brother and sister and him -
My Bf takes his mum to the grave on a tueday and then we have her here for Dinner and he takes her on a thursday. I think his brother takes her twice a week as well - and the rest of the time his sister does. We've all fallen out as his sister thinks that the two brothers dont do enough - Ive said its not normal to go to the grave every day and because this is what i believe, im not going to be a hypocrite and offer to take her myself . Ive said that his sister has got to be cruel to be kind and start weaning her off -
My Bf mum goes NOWHERE on her own - she expects to be taken food shopping twice a week - she wont catch a bus or get a taxi -
I found out about an OAP service that takes you to the supermarket and various clubs for oaps - she refuses.
The other problem is is her hearing - she wears an aid - but she is very deaf still and its impossible to have a proper conversation - which in itself is very wearing - I dont actually know how my bf sister puts up with so much - it would drive me nuts! But then we get my BF sister on the phone going on and on - the problem is though if you say anything , she doesnt listen to you either! Ahhh - if it was MY Family - i'd speak my mind and say "Mum, youve got to start getting on with your life - Dad wouldnt want this of you - and you have to realise that we all have our own families etc you cant keep relying on us all " any advice pls - God I could moan all night about this!

Your Gran is amazing DizzyBint!

Back again - Took "MIL" shopping and to the Drs today

• then back to hers for a cup of Tea at 3 oc clock I go to work tonight till 11pm and she hinted that she had no one to take her to graveyard today - because i didnt offer ( i have stuff to do and to cook Tea b4 work) she went all silent and not once did she say Thank You - must fly - dinner now needs abit more tending to! and off to work in 40 mins

keep at it! and well done for taking her, she won't change automatically but i bet deep down she appreciated it

justbeme
I know how you feel, after my dad died last year i spent every spare moment with my mum because she didnt want to be alone. I didnt even get chance to grieve properly myself because i didnt want ot upset her more than she already was. I also made a stupid comment about a man i knew took flowers to his wife's grave every week..and now my mum does the same. My dad would have thought this was ridiculous and i deeply regret not suggesting scatteringh is ashes in the sea (he was a fisherman). Eventually people persuaded me that i needed to leave my mum so that she could get used to her new life and be more independant. She can also be very awkward and even when i was heavily pg she would rather i sat in her house all evening than go home to rest. She tends to think she's the only one grieving. It doesnt help that everyone always asks "how's your mum doing?" No one ever asks me. i sound like a spoilt child but it's difficult coping with someone else's grief when you still have so much of your own.
you need to try and persuade your bf and his brother and sister to be a little harder with their mum. it will make a difference in the end, even though it will seem cruel at first. My mum has changed a lot in the past year,especially since i have stopped wrapping her in cotton wool! and although it's a bit different because she is only 49, there seems to be many similarities with your MIL.
If some days no one is available to take her to the graveyard, i would hope that eventually she will appreciate it more when they do take her. I truely believe that parents look after us when we are young and so we should look after them when they are older, but this shouldnt involve revolving your life around them. It needs to be give nad take.

Good luck, i hope things improve for you and your bf.
x

thanks sparkleo - everything you say makes such sense - i do find it hard being stuck in the middle though as shes not my mum. She phoned here at 4:02pm today to check where my Bf was - to make sure he had left home to take her to graveyard - poor thing he's been at work all day - he wasnt even late !!