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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Is it normal to got to graveyard every day?

30 replies

justbeme · 12/11/2006 17:14

My Bfs Dad died in June 05, leaving his Mum in her 70's behind . He had done everything for his wife and the family are finding it hard as she expects every one to run around after her . She still expects to be taken to the graveyard everyday. In the winter this means at 4 o clock - she doesnt seem to care that people have jobs to do or families to look after . My BF is one of three - an older brother and sister and him -
My Bf takes his mum to the grave on a tueday and then we have her here for Dinner and he takes her on a thursday. I think his brother takes her twice a week as well - and the rest of the time his sister does. We've all fallen out as his sister thinks that the two brothers dont do enough - Ive said its not normal to go to the grave every day and because this is what i believe, im not going to be a hypocrite and offer to take her myself . Ive said that his sister has got to be cruel to be kind and start weaning her off -
My Bf mum goes NOWHERE on her own - she expects to be taken food shopping twice a week - she wont catch a bus or get a taxi -
I found out about an OAP service that takes you to the supermarket and various clubs for oaps - she refuses.
The other problem is is her hearing - she wears an aid - but she is very deaf still and its impossible to have a proper conversation - which in itself is very wearing - I dont actually know how my bf sister puts up with so much - it would drive me nuts! But then we get my BF sister on the phone going on and on - the problem is though if you say anything , she doesnt listen to you either! Ahhh - if it was MY Family - i'd speak my mind and say "Mum, youve got to start getting on with your life - Dad wouldnt want this of you - and you have to realise that we all have our own families etc you cant keep relying on us all " any advice pls - God I could moan all night about this!

OP posts:

Twiglett · 12/11/2006 17:18

I think its incredibly judgement to decide for someone else when it is enough visits to a graveyard and you should definitely reconsider that viewpoint

However I also think one of her children should start to show her how to use public transport to get there ... ie go with her until it seems normal to her then encourage her to do it on her own .. I think she needs to be spoon-fed how to get on with these kinds of things on her own

Monkeytrousers · 12/11/2006 17:20

The poor woman is grieving - yes, it's normal!

I trhink you should try to relax and let your BF enjoy the last few years he has with his mum, especially helping her now her husband is dead. he sounds like a wonderful son.

Do you feel threatened or jealous of the attention he gives his mum? Sounds a bit like it to me..?

Twiglett · 12/11/2006 17:21

ahem whadaya mean last few years .. she's only in her 70's she could keep going another 30 odd years for all you know

iota · 12/11/2006 17:22

goig to a graveyard daily, almost 18 months on, does seem a tad excessive to me, but then I'm not keen on graveyards anyway

Original poster

justbeme · 12/11/2006 17:23

i suppose because its not my family - i do feel "detached" from it -
but my BF feels the same way as me
Typing these words does make it sound cold - but im actually not really as horrible as that!
Its just that she EXPECTS everything and does nothing for herself - and you never get much thanks. and its causing such problems - because the whole family are falling out over her demands - i feel that by going there every day she's not actually moving on...

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southeastastra · 12/11/2006 17:24

does seem excessive and a bit sad. one thing i've learnt though is that i doubt she'll change her ways now. but maybe they should take her out shopping or to the theatre or somewhere to take her mind on to other things

Monkeytrousers · 12/11/2006 17:24

On average Twig!

He sounds lovely though. Try putting yourself in her shoes JBM.

Original poster

justbeme · 12/11/2006 17:26

The thing is she was from another generation - I would be more independant - but then my mum is her age and shes got friends and has joined all clubs etc - my "mother in law" is one of those ladies that if you do something once for her - thats it its written in stone and she expects it all the time

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Monkeytrousers · 12/11/2006 17:28

Oh, I don't know then. I think it's normal and she's probaby depressed, which will make her a 'me me me'. Maybe she needs to talk to her GP? There is a lot of help an understanding in the NHS for the elderly who loose their partners. Most of the people prescribed anti-depressants in the place I'm temping in at the moment are widowed. It's all really sad. We'll be there one day..

southeastastra · 12/11/2006 17:30

can you try and take her yourself, my mil is nearly 80 and used to really wind me up! but in the last 5 years or so we've become really close, sometimes they like someone 'outside' of the family to talk to - you may find yourself really getting on with her

Original poster

justbeme · 12/11/2006 17:34

I mentioned counselling to my BF - but to be honest she is so stubbon and cant hear very well - if you mentioned it - she'd be very annoyed!
I do keep thinking - God when im old i hope i dont end up like that - with all your family feeling you are such a burden - the thing is, i said to her jokingly that one tuesday - we'd go round to her and she could cook T (all she does is watch tv normally so thought it would give her something to think about) and she refused and said she doesnt do cooking !

OP posts:

Peridot30 · 12/11/2006 17:35

Different people deal with grief in different ways.

Original poster

justbeme · 12/11/2006 17:36

i must admit - i took her to Morrisons once - and afterwards she said "we'll do that again next thursday" - Why do old people like routine? I just said that i dont do my shopping on a specific day - just as and when.

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southeastastra · 12/11/2006 17:36

please try and talk to her and make friends with her! i can't understand why she'd need counselling tbh, she needs the support of her family.

Original poster

justbeme · 12/11/2006 17:37

but how do we deal with the Sil?

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southeastastra · 12/11/2006 17:42

well you don't really need to deal with her if you try and help your mil. older people are different just like we are my mil would never join a club as it's for 'old people', take her shopping or have her round for dinner

Monkeytrousers · 12/11/2006 17:59

Have you got kids JBM?

Once you've got them, you never stop arguing about who's doing what! It consumes you!!

Original poster

justbeme · 12/11/2006 18:42

i do have her round to dinner - last week i also spent ages looking on the web for a really nice pub to go out to - it was a 15 min drive away - she moaned all the way there about the distance, and when she looked at the menu - she threw it down and said that there was nothing there she fancied as there wasnt much choice! we then spent ages saying "what about this? or this?" and in the end when the food came it was lovely and she enjoyed it . Then she didnt want a pudding and after mine had come she decided she did want one ... but what was supposed to be an enjoyable time was marred by her behaviour - so you see even when i do put myself out i get frustrated... i do have an 11 yr old and im 7 weeks gone now (so the hormones are kicking in as well! lol)

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saggarmakersbottomknocker · 12/11/2006 19:07

Do you think she is afraid that you won't come around to see her? By going to the grave everyday she's ensuring that she will see one of the family everyday.

After 18 months I do think everyday is a little excessive. Maybe she feels she needs permission to not go and if you suggest that but promise to still go and sit with her for a bit or still have her for dinner then she'll be OK with that. Sort of wean her off gradually. Give SIL a call and have a chat - maybe acknowledge that she does more (daughters often do) but that rather than the rest of you doing extra that you should all try to lessen her reliance on you by encouraging her to socialise a bit more.

Original poster

justbeme · 12/11/2006 19:20

i think u r right - she is quite devious though - apparently on saturday she bought flowers for the grave whilst out on her sat shop with her daughter - her daughter wanted to go out later so phoned us to take her to grave at 4 oclock - we were going to be busy at 4 - so further tel call to her other son - who did take her - there was no question about puttin the flowers into water for the night and taking them today though!

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DizzyBint · 12/11/2006 19:31

for what it's worth my mum died in 1989, my gran's only child. she still goes to the grave yard every day to tend to flowers, keep headstone clean etc. she is now 85. grandad died last year, he is buried alongside my mum. gran does the same for him. my mum had cancer for 7 years before she died. my gran visited in hospital every day. my grandad spent his final 2 years in hospital too. my gran visited every day.

so in answer to your original question..seems fine to me to go every day.

having said all that tho. my gran drives. she drives for 2 hours down the m6 and m62 to see us, and drives back the same day. the graveyard is only 10 minutes away in the village where she lives. my gran also loves trying new things. she's just finished an internet and email course and is now learning to use her new digital camera.

not every older lady is the same. your bf's mum needs support and encouragement to become more independant.

tegan · 12/11/2006 19:49

I visit my dh's 2 best mates (brothers) at least once a week and my dd's love going to see the flowers and dd1 (8) has a wonderful understanding of life and death due to this.

Original poster

justbeme · 12/11/2006 20:40

i think thats the answer dizzybint - we all wouldnt be bothered if she went everyday, but if she went there under her own steam - however she expects my bf to travel back early from work (hes self emp) just to take her there - i could understand it for a special day ie birthday/anniversary etc - i suppose my thread title should have read "it is ok for someone to be expected to be taken to the graveyard everyday?"

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DizzyBint · 12/11/2006 20:45

does she have friends? what are her neighbours like?

Original poster

justbeme · 12/11/2006 20:56

no friends and she goes round one neighbours house every friday night till 1030 ish

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