Alcoholic Dad dying...not handling it all very well

[Jellybabyjen]

That's it really. Parents divorced when I was 12. Had a fairly distant relationship with him until I was 19 when I stayed with him and his wife for a year (I wasn't the easiest house guest granted). Then it's been phone calls once every few months. Spent a few weeks with him when my DD was 6months hoping they would build a bond. He is/was an alcoholic and I feel it has influenced everything about my life. He is dying from multiple organ failure because of it. He lives at the other end of the country and since he got ill 3 months ago I have been there 3 times. Was I hoping for an apology? Some shred of acceptance that he was a terrible dad? That he was so selfish that he never even tried to get to know his only grandchild? Maybe. But nothing. I don't know now if I'm more angry he's dying or that he always let me down.
I've taken the day off work because I can't concentrate and just feel like everything is too much which is really not like me. And maybe I am upset he is dying like everyone thinks but mostly I just feel so angry.

I think that when an inadequate parent dies, the feelings of their children are so very complicated. Relief, anger, sadness - all are justified.

It's like mourning the relationship you should have had, but didn't.

Thank you Qween. Of course you are right. I always thought one day there would be a grand apology and we would have a loving father/daughter relationship which now I realise will never happen.

I suppose I look at my OH and DD as well and just can't imagine him dying when she is 30 without making her aware of how much she means to him.

It really is a whole lot of emotions I don't think I have dealt with before and I feel like hiding from the world.

Your post reminds me of my FIL's death last year. For the past 20 years he was on medication to keep bipolar disorder under control. When my DH was a child, he was a violent and controlling bully who made their lives a living hell - think children shaking with fear when he walked into the room.

DH went to see him about a week before he died, and came out saying it was the last time he'd see him (FIL was in hospital after a stroke) but didn't go when he knew his father was dying. When he'd died, DH said he felt a sense of relief of being rid of the man, which is so sad (in terms of his father not making more bloody effort and tackling the issues he had). No child, however old, should think that of a parent.

FIL's funeral was all jolly hymns and here is my lovely family and what I've achieved (he planned it himself) and DH was in shreds after it, how wicked he had been to his family and then to play all sweetness and light with his 2nd wife and to show that off at the funeral. Be strong for the funeral if you chose to go, you may find that the version of your father which is presented has little in common with the man you knew.

DH is so much better as a person and a parent than his dad was, and I think he clings to that. What you are seeing is your father's failings, and it's his loss not your's. He's lost a DD, a GD and an extended family.

Do you have any siblings Jelly?

You're unlikely to get an apology; and even if you did, wouldn't it be too little too late? My own opinion is that alcoholics are massively selfish - they take their problems and they dump them on everyone else. So you are allowed to feel however you feel. Angry, let down, disappointed, sad etc - just keep telling yourself that it's OK for you to feel like that because, let's face it, he let you and your family down didn't he?

When my alcoholic mother died, the relief was overwhelming. I didn't mourn her at all. I mourned the relationship we never had. Be kind to yourself. Cry, shout, scream - do whatever you need - it's all fine.

Sorry you're going through this OP. Addicts are inherently selfish and I can totally understand your anger - even when he's dying, he's prioritising alcohol over you, over his grandchild.

Do you think it would help to see a counsellor or therapist who has experience working with adult children of addicts and with complicated grief? also might be worth looking to see if Al-anon have any support available in your area?

So sorry this is happening.

The falseness of it all is a huge problem. My brothers appear to have forgotten entirely what he was like now that he is shrunken in size and voice.
When I have visited I have stayed no longer than 2 days always feeling I have to make excuses for getting back to my life and feeling guilty. But why should I?! We never had a good relationship and now we never will.
My SIL has also told me that his death will effect my oldest DB the most as he has 'been there for DF' for the last few months. This also makes me furious. As well as the fact he lives in the same city as him my DB had left home long before my dads drinking got beyond control. Long before we started having to clean up his sick and piss, long before he started hitting my DM.

And then sometimes I remember him before all that too and I wonder where the DF from my early childhood went

I have 3 brothers and we all had very different relationships with him. My oldest is the golden boy who left before the real alcoholism kicked in, my youngest was too young to remember the bad times and has a distant but not awful 'uncle' type relationship with him. Myself and my middle brother both bore the brunt. My middle DB being gay and my dad being a massive bigot made for an abusivd relationship which had been glossed over slightly in the last few years. I was a constant reminder of my DM and always told 'you are exactly like that whore'

Strangely even my DM seems to have glossed over everything and visited him in hospital to 'say her goodbyes'.

Yes. You don't have to make excuses and you don't have to feel guilty. Your feelings are perfectly valid but are likely to be very complicated. As you will know, with alcoholics:

You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

I suppose with regard to your DBs their memories/experiences will be different to yours and their feelings are also valid for them. Try not to worry about them; concentrate on yourself.

Hi everyone - we're going to move this over to Bereavement for the OP.

Best wishes from MNHQ, OP