Late partners Mother.......

[jmg1]

My Partner and Mother of our three children is dead. I do not get on with her Mother at all and she says many things that really irritate me but more importantly some things that I think are not good for the children.
For example she lives about 30 miles away but she told the children that she can hear what they say at all times even when she is at home!
Today my son said that she told him that Mummy is the boss. I agree with talking about their Mother to them but I think to say she is the boss (when she is dead) is a stupid thing to say. I don't want the children to become confused about what is factual and what is crap. These are just two examples of the things she says that I think are foolish and not neccesary.
These are other examples of some of her comments:
'You can?t spoil children'
'Children are there for you to mould into what you want them to be'
(after I mentioned I was looking for an au pair to help) 'be careful she might murder your children'
'If you die I will have three dogs and three children to look after'
'I wanted her to be perfect, she almost was'
'All stepmothers are evil, are you looking for a wife'
I mentioned that some people have said that I have done well looking after the children, running business and dealing with grief etc. she said ?you get single Mothers with four kids, who go to work every day and they do alright?
I said ?I haven?t come across anyone in that situation do you know anyone who is?
she said ?No, but you see it on TV?

Am I being too serious about these things?

No, I dont think your being too serious Jmg1 - one particular point that struck me was the "I can hear what you say even when Im not there".

I personally think that can be very damaging - might sound like Im overreacting but a close family friend's little boy was abused and his abuser told him that he was all around and could hear everything he said so would know if he told his parents. I think children should be aware, like you say that this is crap as if they were to believe that they could be led to believe other more sinister connotations of this. Not just potential abusers but bullies etc also.

I hope that this doesnt sound OTT but no, I dont think its ok her saying things like that.

As for the things she has said directed towards you - please let it wash over you and dont let it slight what a brilliant job you are doing with the children.

God! I don't want to speak out of turn but does she suffer from a mental illness of some description? None of what she says sounds particularly sane to me. The bit about the children's mother still being the boss and how she (your late partner's mother) can hear everything they say sound quite disturbing.

Ignore the stuff she says about you. You really ARE doing an amazing job. Don't let this woman try to persuade you otherwise.

BTW I wasn't being flippant about mental illness. It was a serious question.

I have never posted to you before and don't have any advice but just wanted you to know I think you sound like a fanastatic father and your children are lucky to have such a rock in their lives.

You sound like you are doing a brilliant job with your children. I am full of admiration for you.

Personally I would sit down with the children (if they are old enough) and explain that their grandma can't hear them at all or anything else she says that appears odd either. Maybe you could explain that she misses their mum as much as you all do and that makes her say silly things at times.

I think Bec and copper are right about what she says to you. Ignore it.

I hope it works out well for you.

Don't think you're being too serious about any of it - IMHO those are horrible things for her to say!!!! You sound like you're doing a brilliant job, a lot of couples (in RL, not on sodding TV!!) have a hard job managing one child let alone 3 on their own. I know its impossible sometimes but try to ignore what she says, she obviously hasn't got a clue about what a load of rubbish she's talking.

After my Partner died I wanted so much to talk with her Mother but she has come out with so much utter crap (she has proved that she didn't even know her daughter, just an imaginary perception of her) that I cannot talk to her about anything anymore.
During one argument last year I mentioned her son and that he hits his daughters, mil says you know nothing about him, I said that xx (her daughter) told me about him. She says 'I don?t give a shit what xx said'

My late partner told me 16 years ago(and always maintained) that her brother raped her at age 14, she told her mother (only 4 years ago) who ignores this happened and the fact that it must have affected a 14 year old girl very much (to put it mildly)
This woman is the main reason why I feel I have to move away with the children. I find the thought of her influencing my children, disturbing.
I have put in my Will that she must not be Guardian to the children.
When the children tell me some of these things that she has said I say Grandma is telling lies and that is naughty and that Grandma isn't very clever. I have told them that she can't hear them. It is such a shame because they do not have anyone else.
I was going to stop putting serious postings on here but I can't.

jmg - put as many serious posts on here as you need to, it might help to get things off your chest.

Don't blame you for wanting to move away if she's like that to you.

JMG, I suggested a while ago that perhaps you shouldn't move at the moment. Reading this has made me think perhaps I was wrong. She sounds terrible. And I agree with coppertop - is there something more serious happening to her mental health?

Thinking of you. Hugs.

Oh, and I think you're doing a fab job too!

message withdrawn

Too serious? Nope - she sounds like an absolute witch.

I put this on your other thread - hadn't seen this one but I'll put it here too FWIW:

She sounds like a very dangerous woman, actually, jmg - seriously - and I think it would be good for your children to distance yourself from her as much as you can.

I know grandparents can be a huge boon in ordinary circumstances, could be even more so in yours, but this one really isn't.

jmg1
lots of wise and heartfelt advice here already
i just want to say that you seem to have hit the nail on the head with your earlier point:
(she has proved that she didn't even know her daughter, just an imaginary perception of her)
This woman has no grip on reality and it is in reality that you are trying to live and to bring you kids up.
Severe ties, get away and do what you know you need to.
And don't stop posting, that is what MN is for.

And finally, what a poisonous old WITCH!

jmg1
lots of wise and heartfelt advice here already
i just want to say that you seem to have hit the nail on the head with your earlier point:
(she has proved that she didn't even know her daughter, just an imaginary perception of her)
This woman has no grip on reality and it is in reality that you are trying to live and to bring you kids up.
Severe ties, get away and do what you know you need to.
And don't stop posting, that is what MN is for.

And finally, what a poisonous old WITCH!

I've posted on the other one too
hugs xx

I agree with all the comments made on here JMG1, I seriously think she probably has some sort of mental illness and from what you say, it hasn't just been brought on by grief. Though that can do terrible things to you, as you probably know all too well. As do I having lost my DH. I agree with goodkate in that perhaps you could tell your children that she isn't well and is missing her daughter very much. However, if I were in your shoes I think I would certainly distance myself at least for the time being until things settle down, if that's possible.

Regarding her mental health I can say her mentality has definitely not changed since the death of her daughter. Its just that when she was alive I didn't have to deal directly with her very much and obviously I didn't have her blaming me for her daughter taking her own life.
She will tell you in one sentence that she was married to a violent drunk who hit everyone, had affairs, threatened to burn the house down etc. In the next sentence she could say her daughter had a very happy childhood and that she has photos of her smiling. I have a photo of her similing along with the kids she loved, pictures I took one week before she took her own life!
She is one of those people who has never done anything wrong in their life it is always someone elses fault. I tried very hard to talk with her and get her to look at things rationally. Until she can confront the facts of her life how can she change and if she has some strange feeling of well being by blaming everyone else why change?

JMG I think it's very difficult for you, and it is a shame that you don't get more support from your children's grandma.

I agree that some of the things she has said are pretty unacceptable. As a child I would find the idea that she could hear me, even when not there absolutely petrifying, was it supposed to be a joke?
OTOH, most of us have these generational differences with our parents/in-laws (there are plenty of threads about it), it is one of the dynamics of family relationships. And I don't think my mother knows who I am now, hasn't since I was about 16.

Just as you have lost your partner, and your children their mother, she has lost her daughter, which must be just as hard a cross to bear. I'm sure she does feel left out, and wants to try and keep her daughter's memory in the children's mind, she may just be very clumsy about it.
As you say, she is the only relative they have (except of course you). I know you want to protect them from more hurt, God knows you've all been thru enough, but is cutting their contact with her altogether really the right thing to do?

Maybe you could let them see her WITH YOU, less often than now. Try to talk to her about how you feel, I know it's hard, and frustrating, but I do think uprooting your kids from everything they know is drastic, given what has already happened to you all.

I don't honestly think she sounds dangerous BTW, but is probably out of her depth (as she was about the rape).

Love to you and your children

To add about her marraige she says she got him back for eveything he did to her. I wouldn't wish a marraige like that on anyone. My Mother had two of them and it did me no good.
When she was a young girl, my late partner's Father used to tell her she was fat and that she looked like a boy. She was gorgeous but in the 15 years I knew her she never once got dressed up to go out and felt happy with how she looked, if I gave her compliments (something I am not great at) she just thought I was taking the piss. It is so sad she was such a lovely lovely person and she thought she was worthless.
No matter what her Mother said to me I would have felt a certain amount of guilt anyway. All she has achieved is alienating me from her.

JMG1, you sound like a wonderful caring and loving dad, trying his hardest to raise his children in the best way he can. Unfortunately there are people out there, who will decide that whatever you do, it is not good enough. This will not be based on reason, but nonetheless they will try at every turn to make you feel worthless. It hurts even more when it is family.

We made the decision last summer to exclude my mil from our family for good, after years of listening to her putting dh down,playing mind games, and criticising everything. She is the only person I have ever met, that can say we are a close family, and make it sound like a bad thing. She stood in the middle of Gatwick airport last summer, and announced in front of many strangers, myself, my kids and dh, that as far as she was concerned she didn't have a son, and my heart broke for him AGAIN, as he had let her back into his life hoping it would be better this time. It wasn't. I had a huge row with her, there and then, because I couldn't bear to see her hurting out family one more time, and she has never been allowed to contact us again. Dh feels liberated by it, and our lives are so much better. Yes she is their grandmother, but that is hardly the fault of my children, and I will not have her drop her honey covered poison into their ears for one more second.

Some people are better to let go of, and your mil sounds like one of them.

Very very best wishes.

JMG - I obviously never met your partner but I have so much sympathy for her. The way you write about her makes her seem very real to me. In the same way I'm sure that through you she will always seem very real to your children too - even if they are too young to remember her properly. I feel certain that they will know their mother far better through you than they ever would from this woman.

jmq1 Thinking of you - hard to give advice but IME if there has been an abusive family situation then distance usually helps amybe have contact by letter for a whielthat you can monitor or perhaps stop being decent which I get teh impression you do not want to do but I think you need to find a way of were you ar comfortable with the contact your children have with mil and perhaps tell them soem of teh family history - in my situ this helped explain alot of things and as a child made it easier to understand why there were odd things going on

I put this thread here tonight, now my head is spinning and I will have difficulty sleeping again.

Writing these things like this and reading the replies, does anyone honestly know, in the long term does it help or does it just prolong whatever is going on in my head??

I don't know, love, sorry. You can't switch off your head whatever happens. But it must be better to have some impartial opinions instead of thinking am I right? is she right? am I going nuts? all the time.

I do the majority of my posting over on the Special Needs threads as my ds1 is autistic. I find that posting things and reading the replies can make me feel confused and muddled to start with. Eventually the cloud clears and things slowly start slotting into place. It's often very difficult to put things into writing because once it's on the screen it seems to become more 'real' IYSWIM. You may find that once you get through the confused and painful stage that things become a little clearer. Don't give up hope.