My beautiful baby girl was stillborn

[3littlebadgers]

I am struggling so much right now, two weeks ago today my beautiful baby girl was stillborn. I had stop start labour for over a week and then I went in to hospital with reduced movements and they couldn't find her heartbeat. I still hear my screams in my head. I went into labour naturally, and they broke my waters.
I just feel in such a dark and lonely place right now. I keep getting emails telling me what my two week old should be doing, my pregnancy and baby magazines keep coming through the door and all I want is to hold her. I just want to hold my baby.
Please can someone tell me what to do? How can I stop feeling this way? I don't want to forget her I just want to be able to function. I just want to be there for my other children without feeling guilty that I am not with her too.

A different midwife same time next week, then one the week later and then they can sign me off.

Do you have a contact number for them? Could you arrange another visit at a time when DH could take the children into another room or for a walk so you can tell them how you are feeling? Your feelings are entirely natural and understandable but that doesn't mean that you won't need support with them and your midwife is ideally placed to help you

I have a number. Part of me feels like they are busy with happy pregnant people a new mothers. Why should they have to put up with me? I am just a reminder of what can go wrong.

So very sorry to hear your sad news. There is no death so sad as that of a child - no matter how old that child is. I have lost two of my four sons and I know how very difficult the 'early days' of grief are. For at least the last 8 years there has been a MN ongoing thread. We are all bereaved Mums of children of different ages...we are all at different stages of our grieving but we all help each other. It is a place where you can 'just be' - where you can ask questions, tell your story, cry, scream, shout or often laugh together. Please, if you think it will help, come and tell us about your precious little girl. xxxx

Our safe haven

I'm so sorry for your loss, it's heart breaking.

I lost my daughter 5 years ago when she was days old (unexpected illness after her birth, died in neonatal). It's truly the worst thing in the world.

I too suffered such fear afterwards, I couldn't watch tv or read etc, slowly I began to watch things that I carefully selected, nothing with babies or pregnancy, I'd watch tv on record so
I could faster ward all the adverts incase a baby advert came on.

I was terrified to go out for such a long time, mine was mainly fear of meeting people who excitedly ask if I'd had my baby. I started going out by driving miles to a supermarket in another town to lessen the risk. I complete appreciate this is not as easy when you have other children.

I know it's been said but honestly sands are wonderful, they helped bring me back and have played a huge part in making me regain my confidence and become more stable and deal with what happened.

I have also made lifelong friends through sands who I can talk and talk to.

The early days are hell. It's exactly as the other poster said, trying to live a new normal, things will always be changed but you will learn to deal
With it and sadly how to live life without your precious daughter.

Sands forum is a great, safe place to start accessing help, read until you are ready to post.

Thank you for sharing your own stories with me, I really appreciate it. The children are playing happily so I might have a look at the sands site and see if I can start to come to terms with what my life will be now.

I am so sorry for your loss 3LittleBadgers.

SANDS will be a help to you. Also, does your hospital have a bereavement counsellor? I work for a neonatal unit that has a counsellor, and the hospital also has a paediatric bereavement counsellor. I wonder if this might be of use?

Be kind to yourself x

I have a few friends who have also lost babies. Honestly their understanding has been what's given me strength over the past few months.

I feel like when you become a parent you are thrown into this strange world and it takes a while to adjust. When you loose a child you join an even smaller circle.

There are no words to describe how you feel and therefore others will never be able to understand. It is comforting to be with others who know a little of how you are feeling.

Does your hospital have a bereavement midwife? Ours doesn't but I know some do. If you don't want contact with someone who is dealing with happy mums and pregnant ladies (thinking about it I think that's why I turned mine down) then a bereavement midwife would be a good person to see.

I'm so, so sorry to hear about the loss of your beautiful daughter.

Be kind to yourself and take as much time as you need.

3little, I just wanted to say that my post is about how I felt in the weeks and months after my daughter died rather than in the long term. You don't think it will happen but slowly without realising you gain confidence again and you learn to go forward in life (I've always hated the term moving on).

It's been 5 years and you wouldn't know to look at me or my husband what happened. We talk about her every day but live 'normal' lives again.

It takes time, you have to take every hour and day as it comes and I honestly think you just have to go with your feelings. If you just want to cry that's ok and if another day you feel
A little better that's ok too (don't feel
Guilty).

Kitty the bereavement midwife, contacted me on the telephone. We only spoke for a few minutes, she asked me to contact my gp and he would get the ball rolling regarding counceling. She said I was the third mum that month at that hospital. I was shocked at how many of us there must be. If it was that common how did I not think to be prepared? I was so naive. I was overdue and so impatient to see my baby. I'd do anything to go back and just savour every moment now.

Story, thank you, it gives me something to hold on to. The guilt is a big thing at the moment, guilt for my baby that I couldn't keep her safe or know when she was in danger, guilt for my children that not only did they not get their baby sister but now are landed with a dysfunctional mother, guilt for my husband that I am crying too much. He started off mourning very similarly to me, but he seems to be pretty much back to normal. I feel as if I should try and catch up like I am suggesting that he didn't love her as much because I can cry more. I need to let go of the guilt I'm just not quite sure how to do that yet.

How awful for you. Wishing you strength.x

Try not to measure your grief in terms of others, like your husband. Not only have you lost your daughter but you are also facing a huge amount of physical changes and your hormones are everywhere. I'm
Sure there's a physical longing in a mother, like your body is saying 'where's my baby?'.

I think it's common for men/fathers to appear back to normal quickly, to try and regain some normality, plus they often have to get back to work much quicker and are thrust back into normality.

I didn't have children when my daughter died so I can't relate but know from my participation in sands that that brings extra worries and grief. Now I have my other daughter I can't imagine having to deal
With her grief and pain and help her through.

I know from friends that the charity winstons wish is very good for supporting children through grief. Also the child bereavement charity.

I really would advise counselling bit make sure it's someone with experience or specialism. Grieving a lost baby is different to 'normal' grief.

My dh is back to 'normal', he went back to work fairly soon after and is functioning day to day. I am not. Every fibre of my being aches for my baby and I only carried her for 22 weeks, not 40+.

Pp are right, you need to grieve in your own way and at your own pace. No one else is going through it but you.

I have a small dd, she was and is unaware that there was a baby coming that is now not. She knows something isn't right and has 'suffered'. My counsellor is starting to make me aware that actually it's healthy for children to see you grieving, it helps them understand not bottling up emotions.

I'll go I think. I think it would help me, just to have someone to talk at and relieve some of the pressure inside me. I don't want to wipe away all my feelings, I don't mind the hurt, it is part of my love for her. I'll wear it as my badge of honour. I just don't want to feel so trapped in the grief with the flashbacks and things and I don't want all of the dark thoughts and guilt.

Did anyone access the counceling through their gp? If so did they know all about your loss on your notes. I hate the idea of having to explain everything I'm not quite there yet.

I did access counselling through my gp but they couldn't find me even a bereavement specialist let alone one with experience of still birth so I went private.

I saw my gp a few weeks after my dd2 was born for my headaches. It was all in my notes. She started by saying 'goodness you've had a really tough few weeks' which obviously started the tears but that's ok.

I'd be surprised if they didn't have it on file, it might be worth contacting your community midwife who will be the one to discharge you and just say 'can you make sure my gp is aware as I don't want to have to explain it all over'

It was the screening midwife at my hospital (we had different experiences in that I went down the fetal medicine route and my dd was diagnosed with Trisomy 18) who contacted my gp to explain and ensure it was all on file for me.

You will never wipe the pain away. I'm just starting to understand that. I thought that I could if I did enough counselling, I wouldn't feel the pain, just the positive feelings of my dd2. I now understand that's not how it works. The pain will always be with us, we will just find a place for it to sit more comfortably in our hearts.

I wish I could give you a huge hug, I'm crying for you because I know your pain. It is indescribable.

Re counselling - I went for bereavement counselling at around 3 months after the loss of my son, I accessed it through work, I don't know if that's an option for you?

I found it really helpful in lots of ways, but the main thing was that by 3 months, I felt so guilty continually burdening my closest friends and family with my tears and grief. The counselling sessions were, in some ways, a place to go and sob uncontrollably for an hour in the presence of someone who cared, but who was 'paid' to care iykwim - so I didn't have to feel guilty burdening her.

I probably wasn't ready to talk about it so openly until then either, I understand what you feel about not being able to speak about your precious daughter freely yet.

Thank you, and I will gladly accept your virtual hug kitty and send you one right back, you might get a snotty shoulder though.
Cherry I am starting to feel that way about freinds already. They are being brilliant but there is only so many times they can send a 'hope you are feeling better today message' to be treated with 'it's a hard day today' or some variant.
Right I am going to sort out some sort of help for myself first thing on Monday. It'll be something I can tick off and feel good about even if i have to have a bit of a wait before it can begin.

Badgers I can do snotty shoulders. I'm basically covered in snot at the moment, if it's not mine from crying it's my dd1s :)

3 - just popped back to say that I'm so glad that you're getting such amazing advice on this thread.

I don't want to speak for your friends, but I know that I would want my friend to feel she could be honest with me and let me know how she really felt.

Hello my lovely, been thinking such a lot about you all, huge hugs. xxx

3little, I lost my baby girl to SIDS. Honestly, don't worry about being "normal Mummy" just yet, how can you be normal when you have just lost one of your children? It's not a bad thing if they see you cry. If you think about it, it's good for them to know that you are so upset because you love their little sister so much, just as you love them. Be gentle with yourself, it's very early days xx